Besides surgery and hrt, what is / was the hardest thing to change about yourself in order to pass as your desired gender?

For me it was changing the way I talked. My pitch, resonance and cadence was fine, but I had to learn to slow down when speaking (something hard to do in the NYC area) and pronunciate words better. Sometimes I would get in a hurry or get lazy and it sounded like mumbling which is a bad masculine trait. Other times my brain is going faster than my mouth can, LOL. I'm much better about it now.

Worrying about passing.

talking, lots to do with my voice. But if we are talking habits like masculine reactions to things, I don't know every woman I have asked tells me not to change how i act because all women are diffrent all of them have quirks, do I swear too much or threaten people and objects with harm yes, but so do other women.

really my hardest thing has been smiling, yes its sexist and awful but I get gendered female about 300% more often when I smile at strangers. That got easier for a while, then I had a few bad days, smiling is not easy right now.

Serena

But ya the voice thing is a nightmare...also Heels+stairs take practice :-P

Quote from: Jill F on September 01, 2015, 12:39:39 AM
Worrying about passing.

This +1

Voice and swearing. I sound like a cross between Lemmy from Motorhead and a Marines drill sergeant who has trapped his fingers in a door

Suddenly when I looked in the mirror I saw a female for the fist time, this was 4 months ago. So to get there - learned to smile but still working on it (as reflected by my awkward profile smile), my voice lessons have worked wonders, my face electrolysis is in the final stages, and highlights in my hair. I get called Maam, or Ms. and I smile.

I feel like a bit of an outsider cause like I'm keeping my male form. But it's really interesting to read this. I never really thought about smiling being a more feminine thing. Cause ever since I stopped hiding who I am, it's just normal for me to smile. I swear I even smile in my sleep. And that totally explains why I been approached by so many woman lately without even really trying. Usually they would have looked at me and quickly turned away, like I'm some scary monster. And I'm not really a cusser, like the f word, I say fuah or freakin'.

On a fun note: I've been singing and dancing in my chair during this entire post. Which has taken me like 20 minutes to type, cause I keep getting distracted by the songs.

Quote from: Valwen on September 01, 2015, 01:49:11 AM
talking, lots to do with my voice. But if we are talking habits like masculine reactions to things, I don't know every woman I have asked tells me not to change how i act because all women are diffrent all of them have quirks, do I swear too much or threaten people and objects with harm yes, but so do other women.

really my hardest thing has been smiling, yes its sexist and awful but I get gendered female about 300% more often when I smile at strangers. That got easier for a while, then I had a few bad days, smiling is not easy right now.

Serena

But ya the voice thing is a nightmare...also Heels+stairs take practice :-P

I also get gendered correctly more when I smile, even with beard shadow. As to the cussing and threatening, your friends are right, with one caveat. It's the total number of masculine traits we retain more than the specific traits. A woman can cuss or threaten, but scratching your crotch or spitting, LOL, on top of it can push you over the edge. Some traits are harder to break. Some are more of a clue to our origins. I've found it best to work on one trait at a time, hitting the "low hanging fruit first".

On a related note, anyone else noticed that some female traits come easier as HRT progresses? Many of them seem to have good physiological reasons. My walk is more feminine because of changing tendons and because swinging my arms in a masculine way hits my side boobs. I really have to work on not standing at parade rest! (I loved the Boy Scouts.)

It's not just hormones a skirt can cause you to bend and kneel different, a bra improves my posture. Tucking encourages smaller steps. Make-up makes me eat more carefully. Little things.

Serena

Besides my voice (which I'm actually kinda ok with right now), and certain physical characteristics...


Burping.  LOL.  I burp all the time, and it's not even close to being dainty!

Yeah, burping and loud coughing. Luckily, the coughing seems to be connected to dehydration for me. Burping and farting I'm learning to control. If you let them out slowly you can do it quietly.

I think my posture is the hardest thing to fix.

I think it's curbing my overbearing, aggressive side.

Quote from: Jill F on September 01, 2015, 12:39:39 AM
Worrying about passing.

When you say things like this, it makes me feel stupid for asking the question. And yes, I do worry about passing, all the time! There must be a reason for it or I probably wouldn't do it.

Quote from: Valwen on September 01, 2015, 11:43:07 AM
It's not just hormones a skirt can cause you to bend and kneel different, a bra improves my posture. Tucking encourages smaller steps. Make-up makes me eat more carefully. Little things.

Serena

I find this to be true as well. Something about wearing a dress or skirt changes not only my posture and manners, but mentally puts me in "very feminine mode" - I really don't like my legs so the courage to wear a dress is seldom. I wonder what I could do that would make me talk more slowly. That is something I've always struggled with. Plus, I stutter and have a nasally voice.

Quote from: brianna1016 on September 01, 2015, 09:02:02 PM
When you say things like this, it makes me feel stupid for asking the question. And yes, I do worry about passing, all the time! There must be a reason for it or I probably wouldn't do it.

No you're not stupid and the question is a valid one.  During my first five years of living full time it did worry me as to whether or not I was passing, but as time went on and as I became more comfortable with being myself I found that the question barely crossed my mind anymore.  I found a similar thing after I had completed my social worker training and had started my first job as a brand new social worker.  I couldn't help feeling that someone was going to come up to me and say, 'What are you doing here? - you can't be a social worker!'  My professional supervisor at the time explained it to me as being 'imposter syndrome' and that all newly qualified staff will feel that way to some degree at first.

I think too that our socialisation as we grow up is very strong to be the gender we were assigned at birth and by living instead as the person we know ourselves to be puts us in a vulnerable position and our instinct is to want to hide our newly formed vulnerability as a social 'rebel' by blending in and hoping that no-one will notice.  As we become more confident in our own self belief being concerned about 'passing' some particular standard of physical appearance becomes less and less.

Quote from: Valwen on September 01, 2015, 11:43:07 AM
It's not just hormones a skirt can cause you to bend and kneel different, a bra improves my posture. Tucking encourages smaller steps. Make-up makes me eat more carefully. Little things.

Serena

I've noticed those things, too.  Yesterday, I was in girl mode for the longest time ever.  I had dinner with my dad, and I noticed how carefully and slowly i was eating.  Eating too fast is bad habit of mine.  Maybe I should always wear lipstick when I eat! [emoji1]

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Quote from: Lady Smith on September 02, 2015, 06:11:22 AM
As we become more confident in our own self belief being concerned about 'passing' some particular standard of physical appearance becomes less and less.

It's my own standard of passing and  physical appearance that I struggle to live up to most of the time.

My bad habits are:

Talking too loudly. I have a very feminine voice at lower volumes. When I have to yell or get someone's attention, it becomes more masculine.

Posture. I still struggle with this when I sit and especially when I walk.

Being in a grumpy mood. For some reason everything goes out the window when I am angry. I start acting like the person I used to be. Yuck.