I love seeing so many new people come onto the forum, I am saddened by their pain, I'm lifted by their hope and I cry when dreams are crushed.

What is seldom spoken about is what happens after?

After?

After the tears, confusion, pain and lack of a life. What happens when you leave the meat grinder of transitioning?

I knew I was a girl so early in life that I fit the 'classic' story, it didn't help. I was born in Liverpool UK in to an Irish Catholic family. The only 'son'; things like me didn't exist, and certainly not accepted in a city where the fist ruled and men where men and women well they were not all that much as a power base.

I as sent to an all boy school to toughen me up, the only girl in a Christian Brothers School, it was a special part of hell.

We had to join sports teams, I chose running, i kept running away, and I kept running - the loneliness of the long distance runner is / was wonderful, I was free, my mind was mine and i could dwell in my loneliness; I was happy. Until I stopped running.

I learned to hide, secrets of the wardrobe developed, I was hidden and safe. Or so I thought, secrets are discovered and penalties payed.

Go forward a long time, I was still running, but running from myself. No longer a freedom but an attempt to escape. I couldn't. The pain of the marathons did not cleanse my mind, but only increased my dysphoria. I could no longer run away.

I thought of walking. Walking in front of a train. I walked to a therapist instead.

Go forward 4-5 years, Cindy is here and he has gone, the lovely man who protected me gave up his life so I could be free. So brave, so sad.

I was with my BF arguing why could he possibly love me when I wasn't a 'real woman'. He held me down - not a good idea - when he recovered he said, you were born a boy, you were a girl, you were a transgender woman, you were a post trans woman, get over it. Now you are just a woman.

I've decided to start running again, not to run away, not to close my mind off, but to celebrate myself.

Yes I'm older than most of you, but I am fitter than most as well. Even with bad habits

When we start this marathon of transition it is very frightening, but every race has an end and it doesn't matter where you finish. As long as you finish.

Never give up, just keep pushing, when the pain is too great, try harder. There is a finishing line.

[Sorry for the ramble]

Cindy

I ran a lot of distances - 10k, 14k, half and full marathons. Lots of training, lots of hard slog - trying to tire myself to the point where the nagging dysphoria would be too tired to cope. It didn't go away though, and I had to accept and get on with being the real me.

But when the pain and frustration went, so did the dire need to run. And hormones are good for a bit of fat increase if you're not careful, so.......

It's taken me a while to try and get a bit fitter - with everything that we do, take, put up with, celebrate and all the rest of it, we need our bodies in decent shape. I don't need to punish myself anymore, it's possible to be healthy and happy. I think that's the main thing.

Happy running, or whatever you do, to all of us that still need to do it! 

City to Bay (Adelaide) Should do it in 90min

Mmm!!!!!!

I'll try and see if I'm up to a 10k race before the end of the year.....

Good girl.

I held the 10,000m UK under 18 record for ages, I was fouled out of the 5000.

I now think my opponent was Gay and didn't like me when I tried to kiss him! But he was so cute!

I got elbows in the ribs every corner and it killed me, he kept me on the inside, Jeez still remember it.

It's a real fight at times! You've got a bit of a standard to keep up to Cindy!

My eldest brother has always been the big runner in our family......I just do the longer distances - slowly!

Quote from: rosinstraya on September 05, 2015, 08:34:52 AM
It's a real fight at times! You've got a bit of a standard to keep up to Cindy!

My eldest brother has always been the big runner in our family......I just do the longer distances - slowly!

But this time I will be in bikini pants and a crop top, with no garbage to carry!!

I'm down to 56kg and a BMI of 19, BP 115/60, and at the gym 3 times a week. Fit grannie!!

I can identify with so much of your post Cindy. I too have been running, running from myself as well as running to find myself. At times I've trained very hard and I've been fairly quick quite recently: top 10 for my age in one of the world marathon majors.

I guess I run for fitness but also to get out but I've definitely done it to escape too. The dysphoria is hard

xx

I also run at least twice per week.
In spring and fall, I sometimes run to the top of the highest mountain in my country (1,950 m altitude). It takes about 5 hours, and the distance is about 20 km.



Running helps me maintain both health and body shape.

barbie~~

Wow: that looks fantastic barbie. I've tended to run flats but that may change. The mountains can be amazing & that looks brilliant x

Lovely post. I used to run as a young confused boy training for soccer. I gave that up when I met my wife and thought manhood would suit me forever. Just this spring I took up running again. It has cleansed my soul. Gone is the doubt and the guilt and the man fat (lost my 90th lb this morning!). As a struggling man I now realize that I tried to eat my way into happiness. Since I have come to terms with being trans, and with my life unraveling, running is my refuge.

See my signature below. 5 am every morning.

Quote from: Richenda on September 05, 2015, 11:14:15 AM
Wow: that looks fantastic barbie. I've tended to run flats but that may change. The mountains can be amazing & that looks brilliant x

Thanks! But be careful in knee injury. Running downhill is very difficult and risky. But, only occasionally I run to the top of mountain. Also, a nice pair of shoes is a must. Shoes are easily broken.

barbie~~

Good points! I like Nike Pegasus but I must admit downhill does scare me for that very reason x

Quote from: Cindy on September 05, 2015, 08:03:07 AM
[Sorry for the ramble]

Don't apologize.  That was a fine ramble!

My running distance was only 10km, but I used to do a cross-country ski marathon (42km) every year.  The big lesson I learned in training was to just keep going.  When the going gets tough, when you get tired, don't worry about whether they are passing you or you are passing them, just keep going.  It still applies.

Cindy, Always love reading your posts. Sometimes uplifting, sometimes poignant but always spot on.
One line does peak my curiosity, " he held me down - not a good idea - when he recovered..." hmmm can't help but wonder , recovered from what?

Quote from: lostcharlie on September 05, 2015, 05:27:24 PM
Cindy, Always love reading your posts. Sometimes uplifting, sometimes poignant but always spot on.
One line does peak my curiosity, " he held me down - not a good idea - when he recovered..." hmmm can't help but wonder , recovered from what?

Yes. There is a downhill, then there is an uphill. My life has been like that. Endless repeat of uphill and downhill. After climbing a mountain, another mountain appears in front of me. Then, another mountain... Although sometimes it is difficult to climb, I always try to enjoy climbing. What else can I do?

barbie~~

I hated male team sports so athletics was my way to fit in without having to endure the horror of macho behaviour that's so much a part of Rugby culture.  I loved running distance and during my transition I would run along the coastal beaches of the town where I was living at the time.  Running on sand was kinder to the knee I'd injured in a motorcycle accident some years before, but eventually I had to give it up when my knee started to protest too much.  After that I took to cycling which wasn't so hard on my knee in the same way that running was.

Cindy, first of never be sorry for rambling. It's good to that sometimes. You are so very inspiring in so many ways. One way or another many of us ran from our gender problems. You actually tried the actually running route, but fact is one way or another we tried the same, but in a different sense. Hugs
Mariah

Wow Cindy - 56kg!!? How tall are you? 

Going to the gym - and eating well - really helps!

I did the PT session today - squats, presses, cardio, stretches. I think I may be getting some suppleness back! 

Some way to go yet, but it's a good bit of discipline (not that sort.....)

Cindy, have you considered coming up here for the "iconic" city2surf?

I'm saying 'Wow!' to 56 kilos as well