So as a lot of you probably know by now; I cannot stand my dad. Even before I came out to him, he's always been a very real pain in my right a$$ cheek! But now its not the sharp sarcasm or passive-aggressiveness that he spews out at me at every chance he gets that makes my skin crawl. Its his conspicuous denial of my transgender identity that he steps all over every single time he calls me by my at-birth name. Even after asking him to at least call me a male-androgynous variation of it, he still denies that.

So if he is not going to acknowledge my chosen name, then I will not acknowledge him as "Dad." I will start calling him by his first name when I need to call him. If he cannot respect me as a person, why should I do the same? He is the least supportive or respectful person I know. I could deal with that if he was some jerk off the street. But this man my daddy. It hurts like arrows to my skull, how he is so much more focused on his raises, tips, and promotions at work and not the issues I'm facing with this in his house. It hurts more than anything that he makes it seem invisible and that nothing is going on.....

So anytime he calls me that name I was assigned with at birth, I'm gonna ignore him. I started doing that yesterday before he fled off campin' wit' his wife for Labor Day. I mean, I got nothin' against him bein' with his wife like that. Its just, like for instance, I need some money to buy clothes. None of them fit. They all too big cause I lost lots of weight. But he constantly tries to get me to listen to him say "My wife this, or that, or this." And all I wanna say is, "What does any of this or that, have to do with me?" He is even in denial that I am so uninterested in their relationship and other stuff that goes on between them. Yet he keeps talkin to me about that but when I try to talk to him about my health, getting food for groceries, clothes, and especially the gender stuff, he gets either annoyed, passive, aggressive, or just angry and irate.

I am tryin to keep calm. I am happy to announce I am currently seeing a gender therapist/psychiatrist. I wish I set up an appointment last week for this Wednesday. For some reason the receptionist there that day told me she would email me about it and never did. I let my first gender therapist know and she even found that to be weird. So I will have to schedule it for next Wednesday. In fact, they must be off today cause it is a holiday in America(Labor Day). So yeah, hopefully tomorrow I can set it up for next week. Sucks though cause I wanted to be seen every week at least once. If my dad wasn't a total $hithole, he could take me himself. I mean its like only about 15 minutes from our house if traffic is very favorable. I honestly don't want him involved in any single part of my treatment. But a part of me does only to possibly make my life less of a living hell, so to speak....

Does anyone else struggle with being acknowledged by, not only their chosen name but also their correct gender? Especially from friends and/or family that you knowingly came out to, yet they purposely ignore your request to be called by a more appropriate name and pronouns?


~Nixy~

Honestly if u treat ur father the way he treats u, then u aren't going to go anywhere. Stop belittling ur self or stopping to his level. Learn to be the bigger person no mater how much it bothers u.

Do you live with a narcissistic father or person at all yourself? If so, could you give me some pointers, tips, recommendations, and/or coping skills on dealing or living with such a person?

If you are not going through a similar situation as this or if you haven't in the past and had to deal with it, how could you actually expect me to take your response all that seriously?

I respect everyone's opinions on here. And I thank you for replying. But what you said actually makes me feel worse. Its easy for someone looking over from the other side of the window to say one thing but a whole other thing for that same person to do that thing themselves.

I don't agree with your "advice." Telling someone to stop doing something without a "how" or "why," is hardly sound advice. I'm sorry if that sounds mean to you, I'm just bein' real with ya.

Later...


~Nixy~

I have one client who continues to use my birth name, despite a reminder from me and other people that he works with calling me by the correct name. He's kind of an idiot in general, so I don't really expect too much out of him. I do take it as a sign of disrespect though, but I also don't want to rock the boat. He's worth a very big chunk of my boss's business and I am positive I'd be fired if he stopped service.

He hasn't seen me in person since I had top surgery, so perhaps he glossed over the name change and the reminder email, thinking that it's just a nickname. If he continues to do it after the next time I see him in person, I'll ask my boss to say something to him.

It probably would not bother me if it wasn't done on emails that copied people who don't know about my transition 

In terms of your follow up questions, I'm afraid the only surefire way I've found to send a message to a narcissist is to stop feeding them. Remove yourself from the situation, cease contact, and move on. They are emotional vampires. I'd consider what options you have available to you and see if there isn't a better one, even if it may be temporary. Staying with a friend, relative, etc.

I was going to respond but after you scorched kai_p, I  really hesitate. I have lived with a narcissist. And I agree with Kai_p. Your own dignity is important to keep. If you are underage, then child support should help with clothing, etc, right? If you are not underage,  then it use be tough asking your father for food and clothing while also trying to command respect.  It certainly sounds like you and your father have vastly different interests so making polite conversation to ease into a serious discussion sounds  difficult . Perhaps written communication,  so you can get your whole thoughts across,  would be something to try. In the end, none of us can 'make' someone accept us. Distance may be your best option.

Ok. So I actually had to reassess my thought pattern here when I made this thread and replied to Kai_p. I'm starting to think that Kai_p had my best interest at heart with that suggestion. I think it was me not wanting to hear the bold truth. I also agree after much reassessing, that me ignoring my dad would do very little, if any, justice to an already havoc-filled situation.

I am working on leaving the house I currently reside in. I obviously can't just run off to a relative's or friend's house. I have no friends. And I have no relationship with any of my relatives except my bro who would not rather deal with me because of his position as Corpsman in the Navy and his own family matters to address. And honestly, I would rather not infringe upon that. So yes, my options are very limited as to where else I could live other than where I am right now. Which sucks major coconuts! >.<

I am wondering, if anything at all, what I could do right now to ease living here with this man who is my father. All I can think of really is avoiding contact with him as much as I can. I am seeking out help from a case manager, as many of you have already wisely advised me in earlier threads that I have already posted quite similar to this one. I met with an adult investigator the other day and he will send her to this house soon. I hope my dad won't be home but if he is, I will still aim to discuss the goals I have in mind to get on the right track in my life and achieve independence.

Peace and love, ya'll.


~Nixy~

I have something of a similar situation. When I'm not at university, I live with my father, whom I came out to both almost five years ago and about a year and a half ago. The first time he ignored it completely, but the second was when I actually transitioned and he didn't have much choice in the matter whether or not to ignore it as everyone else was calling me by my proper name and pronouns--albeit with some struggle. My father has not said my name out loud since the second time I came out. Not once has he used pronouns, nor has he referred to me as any gender-specific nouns (ie "your brother" to a sibling, "my son" to his girlfriend, etc). We don't get on very well, as he's been rather emotionally abusive for most of my life, and I'd just as soon cut him from my life as I know he will never try to make up for what he's done. The best I can say for him is that, through not trying to get my name or gender correct, he also hasn't gotten them wrong at all. I'm not telling you this to complain; I just want you to know my situation before I give advice.

Surround yourself with people who do use your name and the correct pronouns, if possible do so when he's around. If he sees others respecting you, he might at the very least clue in that there is a correct set of words to use when talking to you. When I came out, I did a lot of "Who are you talking to? There isn't a [birth name] in this room, just a [viam]." Perhaps that might help--even if you have to use the androgynous variation of your birth name. It's marginally better than just flat-out ignoring what people say whenever you're being addressed by the wrong name, or at least in my experiences.

--viam

Idea to try?  Next time he calls you your birth name, say "call me Nixy."  Whatever comes out of his mouth, if it isn't your name, just repeat "call me Nixy."  Keep repeating it.  When he gets frustrated, tell him "Look, this is important to me.  You need to call me by my name.  My name is Nixy."  Be willing to let it drop after you've said that.  But then the next time he calls you your birthname, repeat the ritual.

Other lines to try: "(girl name) is dead."  "(girl name)? I don't know anybody named that."  "(girl name)? Do you mean so-and-so?  How could you confuse her with your son?"