Hey everyone. I am married to a beautiful woman and we have 3 kids together. I came out to my wife that I was transgendered about 10 years ago when we were both 18 years old. She has been off and on supportive of me throughout the past 10 years. I would cross dress for her around the house every now and then, and she enjoyed it (she's also bi-sexual), but whenever I started to get real serious about transitioning she would start putting her guard up a bit.

Lately I have been more depressed and "miserable" (that's what she says, anyways), and we started discussing me being transgendered after suppressing it for a while. I told her that I want to get counseling and begin the long road of transitioning from male to female. Everything seemed like it was going fine until today while I was at work. We were talking through text about it and she started asking me if I thought it was the right thing to do. Now I have dealt with this feeling ever since I was about 3 years old. She started quoting Bible scripture to me about it not being right and asking me how I think it would make our children feel? She also told me that I need to stop thinking about myself so much and think about her and our kids. The thing is, I have always thought about what others have thought, hence why I would always suppress my feelings about this. But where has that gotten me? Absolutely no where.

Have any of you experienced this prior to your transition? I feel lost and confused by everything. I want to transition, but I also don't want to lose her in the end.

-D

Hello and welcome 

You could have a look here and the links there:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194986.msg1737439.html#msg1737439

There are some resources especally in the second link.

Well she is a cis person so a description of your feelings might help.
Some people write a letter, and show some materials later.

Its possible she sees it as kind of choice.
There are now explanations showing that it has a biological connection, to do with brain development before birth.
In the second link are some resources. There are differences in brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible.

So its nobodys fault, neither the tg persons nor their upbringing or whatever.

And it has nothing to do with religion.
Transgender people were always around, in all cultures.
There are numerous birth conditions where people are called to help.
It should be about love.

One way might be to look for a good gender therapist to help along, and maybe help explain to others.
Its possible to start with easy reversible steps and see how they make people feel.
So its a step by step process.


hugs

Deanna hang in there...been married for 28ys so I understand how difficult this is for you and your wife. When I made an attempt back in early 2000 to really explore what was going on with me, my wife who knew before we were married, became really uncomfortable with it. The reason was simple...the Kids...she has some idea that by me coming out I could harm the kids when they were young...It forced me back into denial for another 16 years and I ma now dealing with it.

The things I have learnt whilst trying to navigate this with my wife are to keep talking, it will get uncomfortable but you have to keep going, be considerate of how she is feeling, her reaction is to protect the kids from any perceived danger...its a mother thing, that is just how they are wired...she can no more help this than you being Trans. Give her time and space, let her know you are the same person, include her, don't continually ask for help with clothes and make up etc etc, Don't borrow her stuff, do nice things for her, do nice things for yourself and you will also have to repeat yourself, you have known about this and dealt with it for a long time, she has not.

You can do this! My wife and I have been working through this bit by bit and just when I think she has an understanding she will say or do something that flaws me. It is her way of dealing with things I may give her a heap of information but she will only deal with so much at a time....finally and I can't stress these last two enough be honest with her and don't make every conversation you have about Trans or Trans stuff.

All that is going to be hard to do but even if you do a couple of those things it may help

Do you really love her? Would you be prepared to never transition rather than lose her? Hard Questions but you need to answer them for yourself and no one else.

I hope some of this helps

Sarah T
 

Just what scripture is your wife trying to use against you?  Jesus Christ clearly said in Matthew Chapter 15 that the laws of the Old Testament do not apply any longer.  He is very unequivocal about it.  Since you are in a relationship with a woman, the scriptures about homosexuality do not apply either.  If you are faithful to your wife, your physical appearance is irrelevant.

This leaves the passage in Paul's epistle to the Corinthians about "effeminate men."  This one fails on two grounds:  1)  The American evangelical interpretation of that passage is based on a deliberate 16th Century misinterpretation of the ancient Greek word "malakoi"; and 2)  That passage probably was not written by the Apostle Paul in the first place, but was added later --  either in the Third Century, or in the 11th Century by the same people who deliberately altered the histories of Josephus and Dio Cassius in order to make them more "consistent" with "scripture.

The Bible said nothing about transgenders, but Jesus Christ did have something to say about eunuchs in Matthew 19:12 -- "Let him who can, accept it."  If you go on hormones, you are essentially a self-castrating eunuch.   

As far as her accusations of selfishness, this is not a hobby or a fetish or a "choice."  It is a major health issue.  Asking someone not to transition is like asking someone not to get treatment for arthritis.  You are basically asking them to suffer tremendous pain for the rest of their lives from a progressive, degenerative disease that has driven some people to suicide.

Your children are all under ten years old.  As far as their feelings go, ask your wife if she is trying to guilt you out of transitioning or is asking an honest question about how to handle their feelings when you do.  I think the most important thing to do is to raise them to be open minded and not to be bigots.

Thank you all for your responses. It is truly appreciated it.

The Bible verse that she quoted to me was Deuteronomy 22:5, "A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this."

My children are 9, 4, and 2. My daughter, who will be 10 in 2 weeks, is very open minded about all of this. I have sat down with her before with my wife and explained everything. Sure, she is still quite young and probably doesn't understand everything around this, but she was very excited that I let her paint my nails My two boys are still quite young and I'm sure that they will be accepting of it. I have asked my wife previously, "Wouldn't you rather have me be happy than miserable 24/7 with dealing with this? The struggle sucks."

Thanks again for all of your input. I appreciate you all.

-D

It is amazing how Christians still love the Old Testament with that God who is always smoting one person or group for some reason or another. They all especially love reaching into it when it comes to uncomfortable realities of life.

My wife and I have been together one way or another for well over 30 years. She knew since from day 1 about my gender issues and experiments with transitioning. She also tollerated my ocassional escapes from maleness, in time even sticking around the house when I did. She also saw how over time, as life got in the way of things, I slowly became miserable, angry, and a few other unpleasant things. Even tried to encourage me to take a day off to be Joanne. But the guilt over the ton of work needing to be done and knowing how it affected her when I did prevented me.

Six years ago I dropped the T-Bomb on her. The next few months were difficult. Even today she certainly is not thrilled about "loosing a husband" and "not marrying a woman". But she is also very appreciative of the many other  changes in me. My openness, sharing feelings, being far less angry, even joyfull. All big positives.

It takes work to keep a marriage or partnership going, by both parties. You can only do so much. I have no idea if my wife will remain with me. What has kept us together to date has been the oft times difficult honest and open talks. A talent I needed to learn and master. My wife has also compromised and grew as I have been. We both don't know what the future holds. We both hope it is a shared future with the other happy, and importantly, still alive. My wife is also well aware of the grim stats for trans people.

   My situation is very similar to yours. However I made the mistake of never opening up to her about how I felt inside. We lived together for 5 years before we got married. All through that time I was dressing in secret. When we found my daughter was coming, I went into total self denial for two years. After a while my true feelings started to surface and I began to dress in secret again. About a year later, I discovered she was having an affair. She didn't try to deny it and she agreed to end things. She did not, but that's a whole other story. A couple months later, she confronted me about wanting to be a girl. Still hoping to save marriage, I denied everything. She said she would have been supportive had I just been honest with her. But now I was afraid of saying anything that could possibly be used against me in court. I did not want to risk losing my daughter  (2 years old at the time) so I continued to completely deny all of it.

   After a few years, she remarried  and had another child. After coming to terms with her new life I made peace with she and her husband. Mostly for my daughter's sake but I also ended up bonding with her son. As time went on, she and I really became good friends. I felt I could trust her and decided I wanted to tell her the truth. I pictured her saying something along the lines of "Thank you for finally being honest with me." Instead it was more like "After all this time, why now?!" Flash forward to now. She has accepted me as I am. I believe she wants to be supportive of what I have to do, but it is completely overshadowed by her concern for our daughter (now 9 years old). I can't blame her for that because it's all I think about too. Every time I think about how badly I want to start HRT, which is all the time, I immediately think about my little girl. I don't worry about her accepting me so much as I worry about the stigma that comes with having a transgender parent. It brings me to tears to think of her losing even one friend over it. What's worse is that it wouldn't necessarily be her friend's choice. It would most likely be their parents' choice. All of this gets me worrying that she might end up resenting me. At 9 she is young enough to be open and accepting, but may not quite understand all of it. That being said she wouldn't understand why she can't be around [name] anymore, other than it's because of me and what I'm doing. On the other hand, it's this type of thinking that has put me in this position. Like yourself, I have been aware of being different since age 3 or 4. If I had just once put myself first earlier in my life, I would have transitioned when I was 12 or 13 and I wouldn't be looking at hurting even more people I love. Had I opened up to my ex-wife earlier in our relationship, I could have made a very close girlfriend and ally. I always told myself I would never bring a child into the world knowing my situation, but denial combined with wanting a family is a powerful thing. Even with a child on the way, she may have been supportive as our child would only ever know me as female. I could go on for days with the what ifs and if onlys.

   I apologize for this long-winded post. Basically what I am trying to say is that if transitioning from male to female is necessary for you to be truly happy, then it will inevitably happen eventually. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt and the harder it will be for your loved ones to accept. You may also end up resenting yourself for waiting even longer than you already have. I'm not a therapist or mental health professional by any means. This is just what I've learned from my limited experience. Hopefully something I've said here helps in some way.

Hugs
MWAH!!
Kayla Marie

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