Hey everybody. I'm not sure if this forum is the right place for me but I've been lurking on here for a while now, so I thought I'd join.
To put it short, right now I'm biologically male and identify as... somewhere in between, I think. I think the terms that apply are "non-binary," "genderfluid," or "genderqueer." Or something like that. I suppose life is more interesting when it's complicated.
As far as hobbies go, I love riding unicycles and own way too many of them. I also have a ton of creative interests. I am 75% through writing a novel. I frequently compose music (and have about three albums worth of it). I love metalworking and often make things ranging from unicycle frames to jewelry and am about to go back to school for welding (which I also plan on using artistically).
Hopefully I can help figure some things out about myself with you lovely people.
A little about me without telling a life story...
For my whole life I've been something of what I might call a closet girl-in-a-boy-body. As a little kid I was always the type to do artsy things or play pretend at recess instead of playing sports with the other boys (which, of course, led to a lot of sand being thrown at me). I was always very sensitive to my emotions and, contrary to what my mom wanted, liked playing with girl toys even more than boy toys.
As I grew up I managed to outwardly project myself as more of a masculine male, but that's always been kind of hilarious because I am not a big tough kind of guy. Growing up I was always shorter, smaller, and more delicate than my peers. I've had friends tease me for being sensitive and I've had exes leave me for "real men."
From elementary school all the way through college I had few friends and spent most of my time alone, focusing on my creative hobbies and on my academic progress. Thankfully I got a full ride scholarship because of that, but I still didn't click with anybody - especially not myself. I always hated my body although I never really understood why - every time I saw myself in the mirror I couldn't stand it. That lead to anorexia and a lot of exercise and weight loss, but even then I never felt attractive.
Fast forwarding to today, by some complete stroke of luck I ended up meeting an absolutely incredible woman who I am now engaged to. As a true partner should offer, my fiancee really knows me better than I know myself and loves the parts of me that I have always run away from. Lately she has encouraged me to openly pursue my inner girl side, and is fully encouraging of me dressing how I want, wearing makeup, and outwardly expressing the things I feel inside. She's also helped me realize that I am bisexual (she is too) and has helped me accept certain feelings I've always been afraid of being judged and shunned for.
For the first time in my life I like how I feel about myself. I like what I see when I look in the mirror. And I feel like I don't have to force myself to pretend to be something I'm not.
In private and with my fiancee, I've been openly going girlmode more and more lately, but among my less accepting family and coworkers I'm still projecting male, but doing things that make me feel good secretly like painting my toes and wearing cute underwear.
I'm not sure what my long term goal is. I don't know if I'm transgender or simply fall outside the binary spectrum. Either way I'm embracing the side of me that feels like the real me, and I'm curious to see where life takes me now that I'm not shunning a big part of myself that's always been with me.
Hopefully I'll be welcome here.
Edit: Fixed a typo.
