I get this conversation. Like, I am good at being male. People like me. I'm funny and self deprecating. I have a handful of really close friends and then a lot of acquaintances. I haven't made a new true close friend since high school though. I'm a stereotypical male for my age. I would have a happy life to anyone looking at me from the outside or from facebook. I've gone through stages of my life where gender never enters my mind (deep denial, it was always there but I was good at keeping it at bay). My mannerisms and speech are all masculine without a trace of femininity.

But reality is that I have intimacy problems. I don't open up to people easily. I am not comfortable being my true self with anyone that isn't my therapist. Every once in awhile there would be cracks in the armor. A coworker would raise an eyebrow at a limp wrist, or my wife would question why I would wear clear polish on my nails, or a coworker finds out my marriage is in a rough spot and first ask if I got caught in a gay affair. It really was my 30th birthday which triggered it all again for the first time in a long time, it ended with me in a dark place and the realization that I will never be happen until I become a woman.

The task is daunting, but I'm finally ready for it. Don't be afraid of what your mind and feelings are telling you.

Quote from: Qrachel on August 29, 2015, 11:45:31 AM
Hi Jayne:

We all have our moments, especially later in life (>30 yrs or so), but there's a few things that we all have in common.  When the noise, feelings, dreams, etc. won't go away it's definitely time to seek professional help.  You have and I might suggest you consider a psychiatrist (you can ask for a referral) or just call.  There's no stigma in doing this and it will make a difference if meds are in order - there's no shame or guilt in taking care of yourself.

I'm new here but there's lots of support.  Use it and keep talking.  Also, consider contacting PFLAG and seek out some folks who are just like you - they (PFLAG) can really help you with resources and support groups, etc.  You are not alone and many just like you passed through this.  If you have a few women or even one woman who you can confide in, I find that often is such a wonderful source of strength and calm . . . it's so great to talk to someone who gets you at some level as only a woman can.

I am particularly sensitive when people are at your stage because I volunteer to a group of Drs and therapists as a resource if patients wish to reach out to me, and I see this phase over and over.  Personally, I was stubborn and fought it for over two years and that needlessly resulted in a very difficult, scary time.

I say this because you are experiencing the effects of the dysphoria, take these symptoms seriously.  Don't ignore them for very long AND YOU AREN'T . . . keep it up!

Remember, you are not alone and are a beautiful person.  Soon matters will get clearer and the fearfulness will lessen appreciably. 

Take good care and stay in touch.

Love to you and yours,

R

Hi all and thank you for your replies.

Dena, I ask myself that very question. What am I doing here if I am CIS? And I keep telling myself that CIS people do not question themselves about their gender. However there is still that doubt in my mind. I am interested to know more about the expensive brain scan you mentioned. I didn't think there was any medical test or scan that could identify transgender. Do you have anymore information?

Katelyn, I'm sorry that you are having a hard time with this. It sounds like you are working your way through it all. I don't know if am afraid of what my mind and feelings are telling me. It is more like what it's telling me is conflicting and confusing. Maybe some of that is caused by fear.

Thank you all for your continuing support.

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on September 05, 2015, 06:24:22 PM
Hi all and thank you for your replies.

Dena, I ask myself that very question. What am I doing here if I am CIS? And I keep telling myself that CIS people do not question themselves about their gender. However there is still that doubt in my mind. I am interested to know more about the expensive brain scan you mentioned. I didn't think there was any medical test or scan that could identify transgender. Do you have anymore information?

Katelyn, I'm sorry that you are having a hard time with this. It sounds like you are working your way through it all. I don't know if am afraid of what my mind and feelings are telling me. It is more like what it's telling me is conflicting and confusing. Maybe some of that is caused by fear.

Thank you all for your continuing support.

Jayne

First you need to understand this is a limited study and there may be other causes of transsexualism that are unknown but in the small study they had a good hit rate. The papers of the study are locked behind a pay wall but the link will give you the basics. Should you desire more you can breach the paywall and get the full paper. As for doubt, I had right up to the moment the light went out on the surgeons table. Once I woke up for the first time after surgery, the doubt was gone and has never returned.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_transsexualism

Thanks Dena. I will look at that link soon as I get a chance. I still keep coming back to the other point you made  that is, what am I doing here if I am CIS? That question keeps running around my mind. As well as, if I am CIS. I wouldn't be questioning my gender in the first place.

Quote from: Jayne01 on September 03, 2015, 10:22:38 PM
I have another question that hopefully some of you may be able to help me with.

Why is it that there are times when I feel perfectly content with my male self? During those times I feel a lot of shame and anger at myself for having the feelings of dysphoria. I think to myself "I got this! I can beat this". But then something sets me off. I might see a woman in the street where I think "why can't I look like her?" or "I wish I could wear those clothes" and then I'm back to square one. I'm at the point where I don't trust myself to know whether what I'm feeling is genuine or not. How can I know if I'm transgender when I don't even know if I could trust myself?

Is this normal? Does anybody else go through this?

Perhaps not Normal but certain describes pretty much ALL of my life, even today. Shame is a very pervasive and invasive emotion that affects pretty much every aspect of your life. You are trained since birth that boys are one way and girls are another. When it comes to most aspects of human behavour, my wife puts it very simply, "We speak the language of our parents". This goes far beyond the tongue. Grow up in a crazy dysfunctional home and do you think you are perfectly normal? Alcohol? Drugs? Strict gender roles?

When I totally hit bottom six years ago and my life was once again being flushed down the toilet in a swirling vortex (CW), it was only then that I realized it was all over how I was NOT handling being trans. I spent a lifetime thinking I can beat it. Thinking I can supress such a major aspect of my true self. In the process I built up a totally untrue, Hollywood facade of a person I thought I needed to exude in order for no, absolutely no one, to perceive a chink in my armour for fear that my deepest darkest secret would be exposed for all the world to see.

It has taken me a good 5 years of hard work to loose much of that shame and a good portion of the guilt. What guilt that does survive is justifiable. I have done something wrong. I totally turned my marriage upside down forever changing my wife's image of our dotage. TBH, her health issues have altered that too, but that I knew I might be signing up for 30+ years ago. As for myself, she knew of my transitioning experiments and that I had decided I was "just a CD".

There is "A Test" and it is a simple one with answers as hazy as "The Magic Eight Ball". The result of this test is a simple binary Yes/No to ; "Are you Transgender". I have absolutely no doubt I am. Like you I prescribe to the theory of If you are asking, you is.

The BIG question, to which no one can answer, perhaps even yourself at this time, is; "Where along the spectrum of Cis-Female to Cis-Male do you reside?". This is the real answer to how you can Manage your particular flavor of dysphoria and to help balance all the competing needs, desires, and wants in your life.

For some, it's easy. Transition or die. I've been there a few times, but have not yet joined the club. Finding a support group changed my life. Therapy, plenty of introspection and self-help books doing a lot of the hard work on me has allowed me mostly maintain my goal of figuring out how to get both John and Joanne to coexist in harmony. Just as I could no longer beat down Joanne, beating "him" down sure did not seem like a good course of action either.

Today I primarily present male, still keeping  my marriage together, still gainfully employed and having fun at it. Most days I have balance. There are still too many days I don't. Days that I think "I can beat this NOW" to days of "End the PAIN" and my pen moves closer to that membership form for the Transition or Die club

Me and my wife had a good cry about all this last night.  It had been a while. She's losing her husband after all, even if she is gaining a wife. It's not the normal life she had hoped for.

I still think we'll be OK, but until it's a done deal, it still isn't "real" ya know? I even feel that way...

Jayne, read, read, and read some more.  Amazon Kindle has some wonderful books that I have purchased and downloaded; they are very informative and inspiring.  I would give you the links but I';m the highway right now and just let my third speeder go by; I better bet back to work.

When I get home I'll try and give you the links to the books.  Gotta run

Marlo

Hello again. Thank you for your support and caring. Reading your replies helps me get through each day. I'm only taking it one day at a time right now otherwise it all becomes too much for me and I end up having a meltdown.

Joanne, I have been feeling a lot of shame. I thought I knew before what it was like to feel shame, but last night it truly hit me. I could barely look my wife in th eyes, I started to feel my chest knotting up inside and started hyperventilating. When I finally broke down and started sobbing uncontrollably. The guilt feelings were also there. Had my wife not been with me, I fear that I could have hurt myself. I'm not suicidal, I love my wife too much to put her through that. But those dark thoughts creep into my head more often and I am worried that some day I might be engulfed by these dark thoughts so much that in a moment of weekness I might do something stupid. I'm not there yet, but I can see that possibility on the horizon. That scares me.

Kristina, my wife and I were both  crying last night when I had my meltdown. We both find it difficult to express our deepest feelings into words. Yesterday, during the day I kept prodding and she told me that she didn't any to be a lesbian. She wasn't trying to hurt me in any way. We both love each other very much. She is hurting because I am hurting and she doesn't know where this will all lead to. One day her husband might become her wife. Wow, that sounds odd when you put it like that. I don't know what I need to find the right balance. I don't even know how to comfort her fears of how far I need to change because I don't know myself. When she told me she didn't want to be a lesbian, that just twisted around in my mind so that by the time night time came around, I had myself so worked up that I could not find a solution. I kept trying to convince myself that I need to bury these thoughts and feelings and be the man I'm supposed to be. But then lesbian is just a label. My wife loves "me", and that isn't changing. I steel feel like the same person I always have been. I'm just starting to realise and understand who that person is. When I see my new therapist on Thursday (finally seeing a gender therapist, yay!!) one of the first things I want to try and work out is how to best include my wife on this journey. I have a lot to learn about myself, but I want to include my wife and also get her the help she will need to cope with me.

Marlo, I've spent a lot of time reading on this forum and searching google mainly for what causes gender dysphoria and what makes someone transgender. I have not read any books yet. If you have the names of some good books I'll be interested.

Jayne

I found "She's Not There: My Life in Two Genders" by Jennifer Finney Boylan to be incredibly helpful. It's particularly relevant to both of us because Jenny's wife stuck it out with her and they stayed together despite her wife "not wanting to be a lesbian." It was once a best seller and most libraries will have it. It's also on Amazon and available for your Kindle if you have one. I actually reached out to Jenny with an email, and to my surprise she actually answered back despite being a very busy woman.

I've heard countless times from my wife "I did not marry a woman". Less so these days but still do. I have never asked, nor is it fair of me to ask, if she will stay with me no matter what. So far my transitioning has not led to her leaving, especially now as I am a far nicer person to be around & with. We also discussed the harsh realities of an open marriage if I go past the point of no return.

We play it one day at a time

Hi Katelyn and Joanne.

Katelyn, I searched for the book "She's Not There". It no longer seems to be available as a kindle book. I also tried google, iTunes and Barnes & Noble. Some had it as an ebook, but none would sell outside of the U.S.  I don't know why. Anyway, I'll keep trying to find a copy I can buy in Australia.

Joanne, I agree about not wanting to ask your wife if she will stay no matter what. I don't want to put my wife in a position where she would have to sacrifice her happiness to continue being with me. I hope it never comes to that more than anything in the world. But if it ever did come to that, I would not want to be the one preventing her being truly happy, as devastated as I would be. Thankfully we are not even remotely near that point now. So we will just take it as it comes and try and make the most of every moment along the way.

Jayne

Hello again,

I tried to buy Jennifer Boylan's book again. This time I tried from work and I found it and bought it. I started reading it but I am a very slow reader so it will take me some time.

On a more serious and troubling note, however, I am now at a very low point. I have got this sense of complete hatred towards myself where I am repulsed by my very existence. I am also overwhelmed with guilt about what I am doing to my wife. I have no right to turn her life upside down and inside out. What kind of person am I? How can I possibly live with myself. I have been crying during my 1 hour drive to work. This morning I was crying and waling uncontrollably continuously for about 40minutes of the drive like a small child having a tantrum. Luckily it was still dark outside otherwise I'm sure I would have been pulled over by the police if they could see me carrying on and tested me for drugs. I can't do this!

I used to be able to cope with the dysphoria, but it is just simply out of control right now and I don't know what to do. I can bang my head against the wall and hope it goes away, but somehow that may not be a good idea! It may be that now that I think I know what I am, I don't want to face the reality of it. And then even the remotest thought that it may mean my wife can't be with me is just too much to bear. I would rather face 1000 years of dysphoria than lose my wife.

Has anybody been able to successfully suppress or ignore the dysphoria feelings and continue to live a happy meaningful life? Right now, I think that might be my best and only option. And just so that there are no misunderstandings, my wife has never given me any ultimatums or blackmail or anything like that. It's just my own gut feeling, which may be clouded by my current state of mind.

Joanne, if you read this, right now I feel like I am under that pile driver under each of your replies, and it is beating on me relentlessly.

Thank you for letting me vent a little. Just writing this out helps a little. I got my appointment with the therapist tomorrow. It can't come soon enough!

Jayne

Hugs. I'm in the same position myself. Sending my support your way.

Please hang on. It takes time To sort this out. There is an answer that works for you.

You and your wife will find a way because you have a strong Love between you. That ultimately is what will make the difference.  You don't Have to have it all figJured out today or tomorrow; rather, you need a little less stress day to day. That will come and is cominhg - and you dont have to punish yousf to fnd it.  You are what you are and that is truly a beautiful person given An amazing gift.

You have this gift because you are yoU.  The world is a much better place because you are here; that I promise you.


Take care,
Rachel

PS excus my errors, recovering from a small procedure today am sHakey.

Best of wishes that tomorrow the therapist will help you see some light in what appears so dark right now. Hold on the best you can ..

Hello. Thank you for your support.

Katelyn, I'm sorry you are also going through the same thing. It is not pleasant. Thanks for your support. I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you.

Lostcharlie, thanks for your kind wishes. It is a difficult time now. The depth of my pain comes and goes in waves. Right now I'm doing ok, but I'm sure that will change in a few hours. I'm still hanging in there.

Rachel, your replies are always so welcome. You seem like a very kind and thoughtful person who is always willing to help others. You give me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you so much.

Jayne

I spent well over 30 years using the 3D's of Diversions, Distractions and Denial to suppress or otherwise ignore the dysphoria. When that failed, drinking to excess. I would not recommend either.

My way of managing it is through introspection or reading in order to try to understand first what is it about Now, that is making my feelings so worse. Once you understand the how or why, then you can come up with ways to minimize or mitigate them. Perhaps just even understanding the why makes them loose their power. It varies for me.

The dysphoria does not go away. Rather it is more like a sort of flashback. For example, I may see a young mom, playing or teaching her young 1-2 y/o child something, or otherwise enjoying the total wonderment of this strange new world they came into. They joy on each of their faces during this tends to get me going to the point I can almost start sobbing. That is if I don't do a quick Time-Out. Tell myself to get a hold of myself. Yes, I do have some regrets about not having kids. I have regrets about not being able to be a mom. Add to that being a kid magnet, the youngins sure seem to love me. Perhaps it is because the world has not totally beaten me down or they see I am about as amazed with the world as they are. But I turn that all around and think how lucky I am to see a mom like that with her child. How fortunate they both are to have joy and to share just a little bit of it with me as a big drooling smile comes across the kids face as we lock eyes as if to say, "Next lifetime you can be my daughter"

Followed the short version of the Serenity Prayer

Hi Joanne. Thank you!

What you say makes sense. Not understanding how or what or why I feel so bad is the worst. Every time I solve a little bit of the puzzle, that little bit no longer has as much power to get me down. (I hope that made sense. It made sense in my head.  ) It is a big puzzle to solve and there are still many unknowns. I want to once again thank everyone here for helping me.

I'm one of those "odd" people that doesn't drink alcohol. I just never got the taste for it. I'm kind of glad because the way I have been feeling lately, I think I could have easily turned myself into an alcoholic. That would have just compounded my problems.

I never thought of myself as a parent. I just don't think I have what it takes. I do have a baby niece however. Watching her look at the world through those big eyes is kind of magical. Everything is new to her. And then when she recognises something a great big smile breaks out. I went to visit her after being away on holidays for a month. She looked at me for a while with a puzzled look on her face and then something clicked and she gave me the most beautiful smile. She either recognised me or saw some of her father (my brother) in me. I have some photos of her on my phone and I feel really down I look at the photos and she cheers me up.

Sorry, I got a little sidetracked there. Thank you once again for everyone's support.

Jayne

I just received a call from the office of the therapist I'm supposed to see tomorrow. She needs to reschedule due not feeling well. I hope she feels better soon, however I am so disappointed. I've been counting the days and now I'm not sure when I can get in. I'm still waiting to hear back.

Grrrrrrrr....... 

Jayne