Hi guys, and anyone else reading

A while ago I identified as genderfluid, but since then I've really started to question that category (for me). I realized I feel more male than female, and I'm not that okay with being female at all.

But I've got this gender soup going on in my head and everything is like a vague blur at this point. I've explored all the corners of YouTube and watched all of UpperCaseChase's video's and been on FTMTranstastic way too long.

I've been a biological female for almost thirty years and I think transitioning would provide a lot of relief, but it also seems like it would feel extremely weird, because my whole life I assumed that I was female and that I would just have to deal with that fact.

I think if I stayed "female" (I mean in a female body), I would never be completely confident and my body (especially nude) would always feel extremely awkward. But then again transitioning seems like this GIANT leap, I guess I'm just kind of scared because I can't predict how I'll feel or even look like.

It would be great if I could find some other FTMs who have the experience of being very confused at first. Maybe someone could give me some pointers I am looking to find a gender therapist, I have a regular therapist but she doesn't specialize in gender issues.

November Fox

Hey there,

I pretty felt exactly that way after I became sexually active, but before I knew being trans was a thing. I just felt like I would always feel awkward and have low confidence/low self-esteem related to my body. I've gone out of my way my entire life to never be completely naked with anyone. Even after I knew that transitioning was a possibility, I put it off for years because it just felt too extreme and unattainable to me. I was afraid of rocking the social boat, and afraid of the financial impact of transitioning. So I get it

I will say that all of that has gone away with my transition. I actually like my body now, even though I'm not as finished as I'd like to be. I feel comfortable, confident, and like this is how I was supposed to be the entire time. I regret waiting as long as I did to start transitioning, but am kind of glad. The wait enabled me to save a lot of money and as a result I've been able to transition faster than most people do.

But it's different for everyone. My experience may not ring true for you. Unforunately the only way to really know how you'll feel is to start taking steps towards it. A therapist is a good move. If you haven't done any experimenting with a binder or packer, those are two relatively inexpensive ways of seeing how you feel about presenting as/looking male.

Hey Ftmax,

Thanks! I know every experience is different, but it helped to hear that you went through a similar place.
I actually did "go naked" a couple of times but every time I do, I pretty much feel like I'm from another planet than my body and it's completely weird when the other person looks/stares.

I do have a binder and packer, unfortunately the binder hurts my back so I can't wear it a lot. I've considered  going on T for two months, after I get a therapist, and see how that goes. It was actually a tip from that Transition Channel on YouTube.

I have the good fortune of being able to pass fairly well even pre-T, I get actually called sir now and then, so I know more or less how it feels how to pass - but still feel like an alien because of the body

Hey November Fox

I personally had on and off fears about transitioning myself. Now looking back, I am glad I did.

I sort of come from the same headspace, and by that I mean I thought I would just be a unhappy "girl" the rest of my life basically because I didn't think I had any other choice. Before I understood the T word, (trans), I knew I loved everything from skateboarding to wearing men's clothes, but I didn't think anything of it. That word "tomboy" really had me locked in.

When I started transitioning though, I began to be a much different person. My parents noticed I was much happier, much more confident. I started with the name change, because that was the first thing that had to go. Then I did HRT. Here is the part where I was nervous, scared on and off....I honestly didn't know what I'd look like or feel like on Testosterone... And I felt some of the changes may not have been for me. I don't remember what it was that helped me get through it, but I'm pretty sure I was going to turn around on the day of my first shot and go home.. but my grandma had ridden the train all the way to my part of town to learn how to do it for me and I felt I couldn't waste her time. I'm weird like that. Once I started getting the hair, the side burns, the vocal changes.... I knew it was for me and I never looked back.

I had top surgery 3 years later and though I have my regrets in terms of the way things look (I probably just would like a revision), I do not regret the surgery itself or my decision to do it.

If you ever want to talk, you know where to reach me I hope I answered some of your questions, sorry I rambled a bit.

Hi Tendaji,

Thanks for your answer!
The "just being a tomboy" thing definitely was my thing too, I had heard about transgenders but I had just always placed "transgenders" as a category that was outside of myself by default. Until I joined a local transgender group when I started identifying as "genderfluid". Suddenly FTM wasn't this otherwordly thing.

At the moment I'm in a place where I feel physically better but also very defensive when I go out in public. I feel like I've got to put on an act to appear more male, which probably happens to a lot of pre-T ftm's, I guess. Because of it I can't really relax into this new way of being, though I already started the procedure of starting treatment (screening first).

I didn't know that transitioning was a real thing until I was twenty six. I knew I was miserable in my body and felt humiliation if I had to use a women's locker room. There didn't seem to be a way out and most of the time I felt suicidal.

Once I found out that transitioning was a real thing, I knew it fit me, but there was no one around to answer my questions or give me an idea of what would happen when I started the process. After my chest surgery, I met a transguy who had had a phalloplasty, which I knew I wanted, but had no idea of what it would look like or if it would pass for a real penis. No way was I going to ask this other guy to show me his!

I wound up having a phalloplasty done by a plastic surgeon who had never done one before. To this day I know it is suboptimum, but its there and that is enough to make me feel whole. You will overcome your fear in time.

sam1234

I think I know what you mean. I "resigned" myself a long time ago to have to live within a gender and body I am completely uncomfortable with and it's actually a kind of difficult exhuming process now there's something I might be able to do about it, and to scrape back through all the layers of mental burying I had put down over it since childhood.

For me it's not confusion of any kind, it's that if I transition I don't even know if I'll have the mental and physical strength to walk this daunting path. It was daunting as a woman and I know it'll be daunting as a man as well in different ways. And I feel jaded and tired already and like I've lost my faith and allies in life. I'm not looking forward to doing it in this kind of state. I wish I had come to this point much sooner in life when I had more strength and mental resilience, because looking back, I did.

I read in a book on FTM once that imagine you're on a desert island alone, stuck there for life. Would you still choose a male body (or non female body) even if you'd still never get off that island? If not, you might not be 100% sure you want to be male, or be doing it for reasons other than your own internal personal need or identity. I thought about it and yes, I'd still want a male body even if I got to spend the rest of my life on a desert island never meeting another soul. Hell yes I would; my case has nothing to do with what society or other people thinks about gender or how I feel when other people judge me on it, it's definitely about how *I* feel about it.

That said, I would still compromise if a fully male body wasn't an option with a sexless or genderless male-ish body over a female one if I had the choice. I guess that's like saying I'd still rather live as a castrated male or a genderless person than an adult female-bodied one. So I know no matter what it feels like that living in a female body is not going to ever be something I'll be content with, or will ever not cause dysphoria. Transition will be weird and utterly beyond any comfort zone but that seems better than the eternal dysphoria zone. At least it will be "new" and exciting for that.

I think it's totally normal to have a lot of fears and questions when first coming to terms with it!
Transitioning is a big deal, it's normal to have nerves that you could be misunderstanding yourself.
Before transitioning you'll need therapy anyway, so perhaps go see someone and use those sessions to understand yourself better?

Your situation sounds very similar to my own thought processes though. I'm younger, but the same sort of thing went through my head when I started

Before starting my transition I tried on all the gender identities I could find, I'm sure I frustrated friends and family with how often I switched names and pronouns!

In the end, you sort of have to trust yourself. Your basic instinct is generally right, and it sounds like you know you won't be comfortable with a female body.

Good luck with your journey!


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The thing is I didn't use to have the body dysphoria. The body dysphoria came later, about two years ago, and now it won't leave 

But I was already uncomfortable with being "a woman" in the sense of I couldn't figure out what that even meant (I have a more defined picture of what it means to be a guy), I could never really relate to women in general, and intimate things or being semi-nude were constantly awkward.

T.K.G.W, I would totally pick the male body even if I was the only human on that island. Just for my own peace of mind about my body. If I could have a genderless body that would be great. Sorta like the aliens in South Park. You don't know which ones are male and which ones are female, maybe they aren't either. If being genderless was possible it'd go for it, but since it isn't, I'd rather be male.

I have an appointment with the doc on Monday who'll give me a referral to a gender team "nearby" (two hours by train). Yay!