I hope this is not morbid for some of you but I was organizing all the little bits of my past life and I do have a road bump. My father is almost 94 and has severe dementia and very ill; it was primarily for him that I have delayed this transition. He is an incredible human being, he was not a warm person but loved his family dearly and when my brother came out as gay (1977) he stood beside him amidst the media frenzy and the barrage on the family. I was his only son left, and he wanted grandchildren and I have done my family duty and have 4 children, and I know he would fully support my transition.
I cannot wait any longer, not getting any younger...So here is the quandary, what happens if he passes away during my recovery after surgery in January, I would have difficulty even attending the celebration of his life and as his eldest child be unable to deliver the eulogy. Or, if it happens after surgery and I will have to decide how I should show up at his funeral, which will be somewhat like a state funeral, with most of the city's elite and politicians.  They all know the old me and while the close friends know my change it is not public knowledge.
I had originally decided that I would be myself, as a woman. However, this would then take the attention away from my father's celebration of life and cause a buzz and also a strong media reaction. This is to remember his life and I don't want to grandstand this.
So I have talked this over with my family who feel that I should attend in a look that my heart tells me. I have thought that perhaps I should dress androgynously, like Ellen Degeneres, and thus less of the "in your face".  But I keep flopping on this decision and maybe I can only decide at the last minute. But I'm such a stickler for organization.
I would love to hear the views of those who can help me on this decision.

Don't know if this will help at all as I have a rather non standard view of funerals. Ask yourself what your father would want you to do. Also your comments about what a public event this will probably be, is this the time you want to come out to the rest of the world at? Think your family is right, in the end you'll follow your heart.

If you don't treat it like a big deal, then nobody else will, either, at least not to your face. Or maybe not at all. I showed up at a family Christmas git-together two years ago the way I am, and it went pretty damn smoothly. "Nope, not a costume. No, I'm not dressed as Iggy Pop," and so on. Don't hide who you are at your dad's funeral.

My Irish grandmother (from Brooklyn) would have said, "Show up vertical.  That way you'll have something to celebrate."  That said, I have done a good bit of public service work, and I have been to a few of these "state funeral" affairs for folks who were big shots in city government.

My thoughts are, dress to blend unless you are going to be invited to speak.  As a friend told me after my first one:  "Don't wear a bright purple necktie when everyone else is wearing black."  If you are not speaking, then you are a spectator rather than part of the proceedings, and you are right not to draw attention.

If you are speaking and your father would have wanted you to be yourself, then honor his memory and be yourself.  Again, as my grandmother would have said, "You only get one funeral.  Tell your family to make the most of it."

I personally think it's really no big thing. It's a one time event. What difference would it make to yourself if you showed up as the son everyone knew. They will never see you like that ever again. I don't think it would make any difference to you mentally for a few hour event . Annie Lennox looked really good when she impersonated Elvis on stage. I don't think it a big deal.

Thank you all. Unfortunately because of my dads severe dementia he cannot speak or remember me, so I can't ask him.. I know he would say ok because of his liberal and understanding attitude.  I am also the eldest son so its expected I should speak. It will be a big event filling a cathederal and OMG the press, who are always looking for sensationalism!!!

I really don't know whats the right way. My old self would say hell with the others and go as what you are. but now I feel I need to be considerate. I will make that decision when the time comes, its only my attire...thank you xo

I would dress androgynously, depending how soon after surgery you may find that pants are uncomfortable so something a bit loose may be in order. But I feel that you would not want to detract from his celebration on this occasion.

Just my thoughts.

Thanks Cindy. I'm leaning in that direction.

Well you might hint at it in your speech...
that people go through transformations and that you had yours a while ago...
and come back to the subject...

you might elaborate that with a writer, or someone a bit knowledgable on the subject...

basically you have the choice of making a speech and reading it...

or memorizing a few points and rehearsing it, and just making a free speech, telling it as it comes along...

There is another option to consider and that is funerals are for the living and not the dead. If you don't feel an urgent need to attend because you have memories of your father while he was still alive, it might be better to not attend. It was suggested that I not attend my brothers wedding because the brides side of the family didn't know about me at the time and the same was true of my fathers service. In my fathers case, I received a call from my mother shortly before christmas indicating it would be his last so I spend my christmas with him and he passed away shortly after New Years day. I didn't feel it was necessary for me to attend the service that was held for him.

Everybody has become more comfortable with me and I attended my brothers service and all other family activities lately.

If you decide not to attend, talk to the close family members and explain that the service should be about your fathers and not about yourself. If you have an accepting family, they should understand that you still loved your father.

Thanks Dena, I recently had a TG whose father passed away in Australia, but he never accepted her change, infact he was so cruel in what he said to her, and the brother and sister had shunned her for the last two years. They are an Italian catholic family. The family wanted her to show up as a male but she refused and went as as female. It worked out ok.

My situation is very different, my family fully accepts, which does not mean acceptance by the public, and lets me do as I please. I am the heir and the family patriach/matriach and there is no option for me but to attend. Its not the family thats the issue, its the media who will make a big deal, its my fathers day not mine, they are starved for sensationalism here. I will need to attend and I'm leaning to an androgenous look as a compromise.

I promise that I will post what I will do with pics......

This is a hard decision  I did not attend my sister wedding because I didn't want to be the center of attention! I wanted it to be her day. So do what is in your heart and only you will know what that is. [emoji173]️[emoji126]


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There is one other option I forgot about. When we held my brothers service, the family sat with the rest of the people but most of the time there is seating away from the crowd for the family and if you are careful where you locate yourself, you might be able to avoid the camera and most prying eyes. When my roommates son passed away, I was seated there and I was unable to see the crowd unless I made an effort but I could clearly see the service. This way you can control the amount of exposure you desire.

I went to my Moms service as a female. Funerals are indeed for the living.

Hugs, Devlyn