Hi all. Im new on here. I'm a transwoman age 19. Non transitioning because of my dumb disease (cancer).

I wanted to make a thread on this website because I read a lot of success stories here. I would have made it sooner but I've been feeling weak recently. I'm sorry. I want to make a venting thread because I have no one to talk to about these issues. I haven't come out to anybody because they won't accept it. And I don't want to give my father more stress than there is now in my family.

I feel like I was made to be a crude joke if there is a god. I feel like there is always a hurdle stopping me from achieving the next goal. I had to drop my engineering school because of cancer. Now I am coming to terms with being a transwoman and I gain confidence to start researching stuff. Then I used youtube and find these beautiful non black Trans people I will never be. And I feel horrible about it.

I am horribly overweight clocking in at 300lbs. 6 ft tall and I'm black. Acne has destroyed my face and skin lesions are present about my body. I also had to be hairy... like everywhere. Armpits, stomach, chest, legs, arms, back, horrible beard, fingers and toes. Who am I kidding I can never be beautiful. I guess the only good thing is that I have a big butt and my shoulders aren't board at all...

When I asked my nurse about it she said that I won't pass as a woman and I shouldn't think about it with this pointless battle I'm having with cancer. Fudge. When I pass from this earth atleast I won't have to worry about this anymore.

Thanks everyone for listening have a great day.

Regards, Noami.

Dear Naomi, Welcome to Susan's

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I so feel for you lovely lady, I'm an oncologist so I do, sort of, know what you are going through with your cancer. I obviously know your pain of being trans*.

It would be trite for me to even get close to your pain. All I can say is that here, on this site we just see you as a beautiful person who deserves her life to be her.

My Love

Cindy

Thanks cindy. I wouldn't wish this disease on the worst of my enemies. 

Welcome to the forum, I hope your health improves! Your nurse really has no right telling you whether you can pass or not. That ultimately is your decision.

Hi Naomi 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in

I am very saddened to read of your situation and applaud your bravery in the face of adversity, I personally have lost various family members and friends to cancer and other various tragic conditions over the years

First and foremost you are a human being and you are among friends now, I think you will find a very accepting and supportive group here


Hugs

V M

Big warm welcome to Susan's and big hugs to you Naomi

So sorry to hear about your illness, hope you are over it soon... and especially sorry it is holding up your transition, big hugs there too xxxx

Hey most things that seem like massive big hurdles can be resolved, hairy body is mostly handled by HRT, as is body fat redistribution and fining up of other body hair. Facial changes can be made by surgeries and many, many women do that, I certainly will be seriously considering... brow and aging skin damage etc... Hair on my head... that's a disaster unlikely to ever come back.. but really all is fixable.

Please concentrate on becoming healthy again, then you can start your journey... positivity will carry you through. Ignore comments like that from your nurse, was unthoughtful and probably not meant the way it came out (I hope)

Look forward to seeing  you around the forum's

L Katy 

Welcome to Susan's.  I am sorry you are going through a battle with cancer.

Engineering school will be there when you are feeling better. I found engineering school very stressful and perhaps that is not what you need right now.

What you look like if you transition no one can tell you. I know body hair on me disappeared after a little time on hormones. I once weighed 327 pounds and now 203 pounds. One thing I have found with transition is I feel better about myself. How I turn out I do not know yet and I am 53.

Hi Naomi,
I'm so sorry to hear that as well as battling cancer you have to battle people's negativity too.
While no not every woman can be a model we can all be beautiful in someone's eyes (I hope).
I recently helped take care of my grandfather in his battle with pancreatic cancer, a fight he sadly lost, but before he passed away he told me that giving him goals and things to look forward to kept him fighting. He for lived over six months, when his doctors told him he only had two months at most.
I pray to my gods that your cancer is not terminal and you have the chance to transition and show the beautiful, strong woman that you are.
As someone who was also burdened with an abundance of body hair I can tell you that there are options to deal with the hair, I started IPL for my facial hair two months ago and am ecstatic about the results, and some cis women are born hairy too (I know they are in my family).
I will also tell you that at the end January of this year I was 299 pounds, I'm now down to 257 mostly due to diet and exercise. I did start treatment for sleep apnea though and that helped more than a bit.
I wish and pray for your recovery.
Hugs,
Bobbi

Naomi,

  I am very sorry to hear about your story. It hits close to home for me, as a cancer survivor. Mine was skin cancer as a kid. The most important thing is to stay positive, and fight. Stay strong and fight it into remission! Once you beat it, then when you look at transitioning you'll find there is nothing to it.

I wouldn't worry about the scaring, I turn positively neon with all the scars I've accumulated over the years. You'd be surprised how wonderful makeup is!

Keep positive! You are way to young to be this bleak. Look at transitioning as a light at the end of the tunnel. Give your recovery all of your attention.

Best of wishes and a quick recovery,

Hello Naomi and welcome to Susan's. I'm sorry that you are struggling with cancer. I hope that you are doing better.

The important thing that you be the person that you want to be.

Thanks all for the wishes and sorry I haven't talked much. I've been spending most of my days sleeping because my body is weak. It was hard for me to post this itself.

I feel like I'm stuck in a hole. I can't even feel sad. That's how weak I am.

Welcome to Susan's Place. My little story and it's true. I am lucky that I had my health but when I started to transition information was almost non existent about the transition process. I moved to California for treatment and my second therapist. After a couple of years of not getting anywhere there, I heard about a group therapy that might provide the information I was lacking. In my last hour with my second therapist he said something I will never forget and that was he didn't think I would make a very good girl because I was to masculine. I will let you be the judge of that as the curly haired person is me about 8 years later. You never know what you can do until you try and there is much you can work on now. My face was marked up because of moles and the harsh teen years but the combination of hormones and makeup can work wonders. Voice, weight loss and thinking about not the ideal image but an image that will work for you will put you one step closer to your goal. I started the transition process at age 23 reaching my surgery at age 30. There is no reason it need take that long for you if you start working on what you can now.

Thanks and I just wanted everyone to know that I've been weak that's why I haven't been on here that much. I'm so depressed right now and I want to talk to people. But I'm so tired I don't have the strength to get on my phone and seek help.

I hope everyone has been having good days.

Hi Naomi.  Sending good thoughts your way.  Be kind to yourself; there are lots of people who care about you and value you as the beautiful person you are.

Hi Naomi,
It's great that you are still with us honey.
I hope you get strong enough to post more often.
Hang in there.
Hugs,
Sarah

Hang in there. There will be plenty of time to transition when you get well.

Listen Naomi,

You are beautiful, you really are.
Appearance is a temporary impression, your personality is what lasts forever.
I can see you are a beautiful woman and you will be for all of eternity, not because you pass or not, but because you are who you are.

And no cancer, no nurse, just nothing can take that from you!

I am sure a woman as strong as you can defeat that cancer.

I am sure a butterfly is waiting to get out of her cocoon, and she will be beautiful, and she will be called Naomi.

Thanks everyone who commented. Hey all. I was wondering if anyone can help me with my self hatred problem.

Why exactly do you hate yourself?
I am sure we can nullify most of your arguments ^^

I deal with a lot of self-hate as well. A sort of running narrative in my head that's just extremely negative. So what my therapist has been trying to get me to do is to interrupt it. Whenever I notice myself actively hating on something about me, I instead say "I love and accept myself".

I totally laughed about it when she told me to do that. I think I kind of pissed her off a little tbh, but sorry, that's some hippy-dippy stuff to run around telling yourself. But I gave it an honest shot anyways and was quite surprised to find that it actually works. Even if you don't believe it when you say it (because how can you, if you did you wouldn't have the self-hate problem, right?), it still manages to sort of derail the negative train of thoughts, at least temporarily. So you have to keep up on it, and you have to be careful to not start adding qualifiers "I love and accept myself, but..."

You do have value as a person.

It's also useful to increase that value. Doing for others, however small it may be, makes us feel better about ourselves. So be selfless for completely selfish reasons!