The time is nearing. Perhaps September will conclude the last days I will catch my mom alone at home in near future. I want her to be alone at home when she learns it so she can cry, and also so we can discuss our stuff undisturbed. I shall be ready to see (hear) her broken like never before, but I hope I won't. I would love her to tell me she knew it and that she loves me.
She and I live in different countries, so this will be a digital one. It will be an email. Why -- if we got to skype and I told it in male voice, she'll be 7/8 disbelieving it, and she might even think I was high. If I told it in female voice, she might just freak out completely and start asking for her son, thinking some woman is pranking her big time. She likes reading books, so email wins as the text medium.
What I am thinking -- the message! should! be! short! Won't let her start crying while reading, because she is sometimes prone to misunderstand [misread] things, and then it is hard to bring her back.
I will write the email myself, and the right thing to do is that she reads it first, so won't post it here before it is over. But we can go through the checkpoints.
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Email should be short so there is not much space. Will keep it simple. But the highlight is, I will use any mean available [that is, of those I can get away with during my lifetime] to get her to love me as a daughter. In the email, and later. It is not about the correctness on its own, but also about bending the gray areas in my favor.
I should open saying that there is something that follows me since kindergarten, and that it is time we had that one secret less between us.
I will tell her directly that I feel like a woman, and that I want to spend the rest of my life as one.
A fact is my mother wanted a daughter so much when she carried me. I am aware of the theory that hormonal disbalance during pregnancy may give a trans kid. Will mention it, but will also add a barrier so she doesn't steer into feeling guilt for "wishing daughter and ruining her son". It is perhaps my best chance to tell her she did it right in the end and that I found my happiness living the life I have.
Closure shall be classic -- "It is still me, the same person you know. I am not gone. I am just - me.
Write me.
With love,
M"
It is a letter I can write in 1/2 hour. So short, so important.
One thing I am wondering about is whether I should include a picture of me or not.
Thanks for the read and in advance for shared thoughts.
