Hello everybody!
My name is Rachel...at least it will be one day lol. Just registered with Susan's Place but have found this site helpful in so many ways already. So I first wanted to thank you to all those who post questions and respond to them. Truth be told though I only actually registered because I've found myself having a huge dilemma that I could use some input on.
So first is the very basic back info. I am 25 years old MtF Transsexual. I only came out to friends and family about it almost 6 months ago. Only been on HRT for 2 months. And still very primarily in "boy mode". Taking it by baby steps yah know.
Any ways, when I came out. I am one of the lucky ones I suppose. Everybody I told was supportive and nobody had any problems with it. Not sure if they are that way for my sake or if it is genuine but either way its a big relief. Even so, out of everybody I told, there was only one that mattered. All my friends and family cold have rejected me completely and I would have been fine had I gotten the acceptance of my best friend. Which I did get. He has been by far my biggest supporter.
The problem I'm having though is that I've found myself (for lack of better term) "Head over heels" in love with him. Which surprised me because I have never felt an attraction to men before. At first I thought I only felt this way because of how amazing he has been about everything. Granted that that is likely what sparked these feelings. But they just kept growing and growing. It got to the point that whenever we would hangout, I just kept thinking about how much I wanted to hold hands with him or for him to put his arm around me. Keep in mind that he has absolutely no idea I feel this way. But know, for me it is getting really bad. To the point were I don't know if I can continue being around him.
Tonight we were just hanging out at a bar with all of our friends and i almost broke down in tears over it all in front of everybody. I ended up having to leave because I didn't "feel well", then came home and cried my heart out. I realize how strong my feelings for him are and I am absolutely terrified to tell him. Much more so than when I told him I was trans. I'm actually shaking and crying while I'm writing this and I don't know what to do. We have been best friends for 15 years and I don't want to do anything to put that in jeopardy. But I cant stop the way the I feel about him either. And now hiding it is no longer an option because I can no longer hold those emotions back while I'm around him.
Basically the way I think about it is that I really just want to get it out in the open and tell him how I feel. While at the same time thinking that it wouldn't be fair to him to put him in that situation. Not to mention me being petrified by how he might respond to it.
If anybody has had a similar situation, I beg you to tell me how you handled it. This entire thing feels like its desperate and spinning rapidly out of control
