Sorry everyone, I haven't kept up with the posts on the forum.  Anyway, thank you all for your words and advice, I appreciate every response.  Here's how my feelings have changed since my very first post.  I'm not ill at ease as I used to be.  I'm quite fine with being this way, I'm OK will letting time tell how it will develop and grow, if at all.  I know all the answers won't come overnight.  The only anxiety I feel is being discovered, but in some way, I want to be caught so it can be over and done with.  I don't exactly hide who I am, but I'm not leaving it out in the open either.  I have my feminine things tucked away in my closet or under my bed, I still go to bed in female clothes.  I found a long silk nightgown my mother won't miss (and hopefully won't notice is missing) that I like to wear.

I found since I've been more honest with myself, that my sexuality is becoming more... open.  Not that I think I'm homosexual, but there is a very real chance I could be a little bisexual.  I think all humans have the capacity for bisexuality, because sex is merely a behavior, although male or female attraction is instinctive.  Crazy idea, but maybe I'm trying to make bisexuality more acceptable to myself.  Or maybe I'm just desperate for any sexual relationship.  I have fantasies that it's easier to have homosexual sex than it is to have heterosexual sex, is this normal?  Like a [close] bond between men, whereas with women there's performance anxiety?  I don't know what it means, I haven't even told my therapist about it.  I went to go see him recently, but there were no new revelations.  I think I'd be willing to try your advice of mingling with various kinds of people wickham_kendra, but I still have no yearning of social interaction.  I'm introverted that way, I was never comfortable in crowds of people I'm not familiar with.

I don't know how common or uncommon it is, but I've never given a single thought to giving my 'feminine side' a name.  I've given myself 'maiden' on these forums because I couldn't think of a good female name.  I don't consider my feminine side to be separate from myself, it sounds a little like a multiple personality to me.  If it's inside me, or inside my head, then it's part of me, whether I want it or not.  It's my choice if I want to integrate my feminine side into my life, but I understand that it is in all likelihood impossible to completely suppress or do away with it entirely.  I do not want to delete my feminine side however, I'm willing to live with it.  In what amount I'm not sure, I'm still not interested in leaving the house dressed up.  I like being a male, but I think my ideal would be a shapeshifter in which I could change between the sexes at will.  Nonsense of course, but it's a nice idea.

VeryGnawty, or anyone else who can help, what is gender neutral clothing?  I wear jeans and a t-shirt all the time, all year round.  If it's cold out, I put on a jacket, usually made of leather.  I wear military boots all year too, jungle boots in the summer and heavier combat boots for the cold New England winters.  My preferred colors are black and dark blue/indigo, although I do sometimes wear brown and tan and green.  I don't wear tight jeans because I don't like them, same with tight t-shirts.  Everything is loose, although I always have my shirt tucked in.  I don't know how I can change this to look more gender neutral.

Thanks for putting up with me, and my long posts and my dark red colored text.  I think these forums have helped a lot in being more free with myself.

I think that if you are seriously wanting your parents to see you first you could always dress up as a woman for holloween, and let them know then or later.  But you did say that you wanted to get caught dressed up like a woman well this way maybe it won't be as shocking to them and you won't be as nervous, then again maybe you will be I'm not quite sure.  Just a sugestion

Quote from: Celia on June 09, 2005, 06:41:13 PM
I'll try to be brief.  At the very least, you're a crossdresser.  It sounds like more than a mere erotic thrill for you, as you indicate that you enjoy wearing women's clothing independent of any sexual context and that you  identify with the female in certain situations.  You're more than the proverbial "guy in a dress".  My guess - and it's just a guess - is that in time the eroticism of it will fade or disappear, but your enjoyment of crossdressing will remain.    You might have more substantial gender issues, but that doesn't by any means imply that you're necessarily transsexual.  Plenty of people don't reside at the ends of the gender continuum but, rather, somewhere in the middle.  I don't mean to suggest that you necessarily aren't transsexual, either.  Keep an open mind as you explore.

Just so you know, you're not likely to encounter any clean, tidy scientific account of all this.  A fair amount of research, theory, and opinion, maybe, but nothing you can tie a rope around.  That said, welcome to the community.

Yours,
Celia

great response!

The word men and the word women are very powerful words with lots of very strong taboos,  fears, stereotypes, emotions, mental images, physical sexual reactions,  boundaries,  etc.  attached to them.    You can't wear that, women wear that.   You can wear that, men wear that.   Women's restroom.    Men's restroom.    Women do that.    Men do that.    Women's work.   Men's work.   Since birth society places us in one box marked men or one box marked women and we are supposed to be stuck there for life.    It is dreadfully scary to crawl out of the men's box, and into the women's box.    It's just as scary to climb out of the women's box and into the men's box.    It is also dreadfully scary to climb out of your box and not crawl into any other box.     When we feel that we do not belong in the gender box that society placed us in at birth and we have to crawl to jump or climb into the other gender box the imaginary terrible consequences almost paralyze us.

When we get up the courage  to leave our birth gender box and move into the other gender box we are filled with dread and fear.   Once we get into the other gender box for many of us much of what we feared would happen doesn't at least right away.   Then we are filled with apprehension anticipating when the other shoe will drop.   When is doesn't we start to explore, first in private, and gradually more and more in public until we identify totally with our new gender box and most of our fears and dreads have dissipated.   A few of our fears were real, but most of them were not.

Some people, are so afraid they move back to their birth gender box only to spend a lot of time in both or outside either gender box.    Some of us adapt so well to our new gender box that we can't realize what it was like to live in our birth gender box.    Then there are others who have constant fears and dreads the rest of their lives.

Transitioning is a process that goes on your whole life with each person taking more and more personal control of the changes and letting go of the unreal fears and dreads.