This be the intro board so here I be.

At 32, I feel like I'm just starting out my journey wondering why I waited so long.  I'm currently pretty dude-ish but identify as a woman.  I'm ready to get on with my life and start living as a woman!

I've been questioning my gender pretty much my whole life to varying degrees.  A few times in the past I had taken steps to live more feminine but I was too scared or intimidated to rise to the challenge so I just stayed an unhappy male.

I have really low self-esteem sometimes and so I just thought that the feelings I had were bad and I felt like if I were to become a woman I would be an impostor and it wouldn't be genuine.  I had read a lot and talked to some woman and there was an emphasis about always feeling like a girl when being AMAB since childhood.  I had never really felt this very strongly at all.  I knew in my adult life that I had been thinking about it for years and so I have been mentally planning to transition soon, but have still had that nagging doubt...

Until, over a few days, it was like the Keyser Soze reveal to usual suspects!  I took off the blinders and started thinking about my whole life and realized that I too had actually felt the dysphoria my entire life, perhaps not as strong as some, but it was definitely present and seems to be even stronger now.

Ok, almost done, guys and gals.

I have finally accepted my self-identity/transness, what have you.  I've never been happier!!  Perhaps you all can relate!  Before I accepted this side of me fully there would be some days when I would just feel really happy and gay and feminine and full of life.  Sometimes when I was sad I would think about how to get back there.  But I think that feeling is womanhood.  Haha maybe that sounds crazy, but I realized since I stopped giving a ->-bleeped-<- and started embracing my femininity and committing myself to this journey, that feeling is back like all the time.  Maybe the feeling is actually confidence, I dunno, but I just feel fabulous right now.

So, I finally was able to get on the calendar and saw a gender therapist the other week and am scheduled to go back and develop a treatment plan!  I'm so jazzed!

I've been scared of this my whole life, so I feel all flowers right now, but I know that it's not gonna be easy, so I'm here to leach off y'all's support. ... ok and maybe be part of the community too.

--Allie

Hi Allie, welcome to Susan's. Congrats on having already seen a therapist. I can totally relate to the fact that one I came to terms of what I had to  and who I am that I became much happier. Often we all wonder why we wait so long. My first go around was a crash burn attempt at it so many of know how that goes and how our fears limited us and our ability to transition. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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Thanks, Mariah!

To hell with fear!

Welcome to Susan's.

Congratulations on accepting yourself. I think when you have that then the rest is much less difficult to achieve.

Hi Allie 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Allie,
I am also thirty two and started my transition a few months ago. I felt the same excitement and it does wear off until you take your next step and then it's all exciting again, it's a rollercoaster.
I hope you have as much fun with your transition as I have.
And if you have any questions or worries the folks here at Susan's are great.
Hugs,
Sarah

Thank you all for the warm welcome!!

Welcome to Susan's Place. It's better late than never but always feel free to ask questions around here. I came here for voice surgery about 4 months ago and everybody answered all my questions and I found a doctor that I have been personally very comfortable with. I had doctors but I like this one so much I would like to visit him again. We have all the information you need what ever stage you are in and we have a shoulder to cry on should you need that as well. I hope you find true happiness.

Big warm welcome to Susan's Allie

With you on the all my life bit...um just a bit longer for me...since 4, severe Dysphoria from 5 to mid teens!

Then well I had to conform or live life in total misery and isolation...

Accepting yourself and sharing with others relieves the burden so much, yes and confidence is boosted which will improve every step you take.

Best wishes for your journey and so look forward to seeing you around the forum's

L Katy 

Quote from: katrinaw on September 21, 2015, 07:50:17 AM
Big warm welcome to Susan's Allie

With you on the all my life bit...um just a bit longer for me...since 4, severe Dysphoria from 5 to mid teens!

Then well I had to conform or live life in total misery and isolation...

Accepting yourself and sharing with others relieves the burden so much, yes and confidence is boosted which will improve every step you take.

Best wishes for your journey and so look forward to seeing you around the forum's

L Katy 

Thanks Dena and Katy, I super appreciate your welcome.  Really liking this site so far!

I talked more with my friend today and with my mom.  My mom was very supportive though was really surprised.

In both the conversation with my friend and my mom it was so frustrating!!!   I felt like they understood it so little that I would try to maybe explain some feelings or instances or times when I felt dysphoric/female... but then it would lead to counterarguments and well... Thing is, I'm an attorney, I should be better at communicating to people but it's like I almost feel unless you have questioned your gender for so long and just felt like a girl (woman now I guess).

Yeah i didn't run around in dresses not all girls do!  Ugh i had boy's body what was i supposed to do?  I tried to make the best of this blue eyed white male privelege, but i've just been sad and isolated for the most part (with some very good friends along the way).

I've had such a hard time coming to grips with this myself that trying to explain it to someone else... I end up doubting myself too, but that's because I'm in that self-doubt mode... evaluating it one piece of evidence at time.  I've had my entire life to weigh all the facts and this is the conclusion i've come to.  And not for the first time but the first time I've had courage to actually do something about it and to be open about it!

Ok rant over. 

Thanks for listening  

I have been trying to come up with better words to describe what we feel for most of my life and I haven't found a way to tell a CiS what we feel inside. I can describe it but not in a way they feel it. There are other members of the legal profession on this board who have transitioned in their profession and you may run into their stories.