I'm a 24 y/o bi ftm, pre everything, only out to my boyfriend of four years...

I'm mostly looking for advice on transitioning with a partner. I have pretty bad chest dysphoria and that's mostly what we've talked about, and he says he wouldn't miss my breasts at all, but I'm worried that other changes (such as the effects of testosterone etc) would be too much for him. I know that he would say he's okay with it even if he's not and I don't really know how to approach the discussion of limits.

I know that a lot of people's responses to partners/spouses are that we need to be who we are and do us before them, but I feel like it's not fair to expect his behavior to me to not change. I don't want to have to choose between my partner and my body and I don't want to hurt him. I know i should talk to him about these things and I plan to when i get the courage, but I don't trust him to not lie and say that he's okay with things that he isn't. (I'm literally complaining that my boyfriend is too nice and i know I'm trash okay?)

I'm also working up to coming out to my family. I'm un/self employed (i.e. I'm an artist i.e. i play GTA all day while my BA lies in a drawer) and I want to begin therapy/transitioning before my career progresses. I've already held off to finish uni and i feel like now's the time. The only thing is i have no money, i live rurally and i can't drive, so if i was to even want to visit my GP i need help from my family. I don't expect them to react badly, more that they tend to ignore things that are difficult and I don't know if i have the energy to work at it myself. I also have much younger siblings and I don't know how my parents want to handle that. 

TL;DR: newbie doesn't know how to handle life

Hi Peep, welcome to Susan's. Balancing our needs, but wanting to balance are SO's needs in the mix is tricky. When your ready you will be able to share. It's likely that he is being honest with how he feels in the moment. I know with my boyfriend that I'm open and honest with him and that it's normal for all of us to have our reservations with some things they say. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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Thanks!

I know that he is probably being honest but he can be hard to read sometimes. We're both under a lot of pressure, and part time long distance, and i just don't want to add to his stress. I don't know how to deal with effectively changing his sexuality - it's different for me because I'm bi anyway, but he has always identified as straight, though he says he was aware of my gender not being female almost before i was.

I know I'm probably worrying more about him than me to avoid thinking about my own problems but i don't think i can do this alone. I feel like sharing too many of my fears would be emotionally manipulative.

Welcome to Susan's Place. What you are about to do is never easy but in the almost 4 month I have been a member of Susan's, I have seen people in exactly the situation that you are in and they are making it work. Sometimes the CIS partner is bisexual so it doesn't matter, other times the bond is so strong the changes aren't important and often it's both. An honest conversation will be very important in making this work and I hope both of you find happiness.

Welcome to Susan's, Peep. Nothing is ever guaranteed when it comes to significant others. Maybe they'll stay around for the ride and maybe they won't... but that applies to all relationships. I know a trans guy who I met over ten years ago - at the time he was presenting as female and showed up with his boyfriend. He started to transition about six years ago and the same boyfriend was with him then and still is now. So it can happen, I guess it just depends on the way things work out. Hope it goes well for you.

Thank you both

Hi Peep 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Welcome to Susan's.

I came out to my wife about 2.5 years ago and we are still married. She has gone through a lot and there is a point at which she will go no further. It is important to keep the lines of communication open.

Warm welcome to Susans Peep

The points you have raised about choosing is the hardest some find it easier than others, personally I have struggled with coming out to my partner and family over decades, now I have no choice but still struggling.

And its not limited to newbies  , a lot of our reluctance care and the like are inbred, regardless... we can certainly learn to be determined, but our feelings, that is a completely different story!

I wish you well in becoming financially stable and your journey forward, and look forward to seeing you around the forum's.

L Katy 

Update, in case anyone's interested: I spoke to my mum today and she says she's suspected for a while and she'll help me get to the GP and the clinic (cause I can't drive). So that's one worry off the list lol.

Does anyone know anything about coming out to school-age children?

In my experience, kids actually tend to understand these things a lot more quickly and easily than adults.

Yeah that's what i thought. I think they'll actually know more than my parents and I would assume. I know for sure they've been exposed to fiction about MTF I'm just not sure that FTM will even have occurred to them!

I just came out to my mum and she says she wants to talk to someone about how to deal with my younger siblings - they're nine and eleven. I just don't know where she'll find the resources without actually paying a child psychologist which seems crazily overkill.

They're just about the right age though because the older one's already started sex ed/ What Happens During Puberty talk (which probably won't cover gender identity but that's not our fault) and everything he learns seems to filter through to the younger one because they're close.

I guess it's kind of not my problem but I feel obliged to be involved... I'm discovering that I'm an incredible control freak the more steps towards transitioning that I make >.>

Also i don't want any excuses for delaying anything!

I think we tend to control as much as possible as the result of trying to control our feelings. I know I am that way. As far as younger children, don't overload them with information. Give them the basics and if they as questions, answer them as they come up. If your mother wants, she can join this web site and talk with other parents who have been through this already. I have seen several parents up here providing very useful information to others.

Ahhh she's not very tech-savvy, she still calls text messages emails...

This style board is pretty easy to use but you could always as her for a list of questions and post them for her. You could also have here look over your shoulder while you are going through existing threads. There is a bunch of information on here and I haven't even started to scratch the surface of it. Many questions have been ask more than once.

I think i'd rather have a family-free space tbh.

I spoke to my boyfriend via skype yesterday and told him I'd found some nhs guideline things, and when we were reading them the subject of testosterone and ~downstairs growth~ came up and i think it scared him a little bit. He's tricky to read sometimes and I never know if he's worried for me or about me. I know we should not have conversations like that over the phone but it's going to be at least three weeks til i see him again.

It's made me wonder about hormones while we're still living apart, I don't know if it'll be good for things to change month to month... If we're apart it'll seem like things are happening faster from his point of view? This is a problem i hadn't thought of til now :/