Hello, my name is Meredith, I am 24 years old, and my husband has recently told me he's transgender.  I suppose I should be saying she now instead of he.  I have known my husband for almost 10 years, we have been married for almost 2 years.  I guess I don't really know where to begin.  I love my husband and I would do almost anything for him (her).  I have trouble using the correct pronouns because I still see him as a him, as my husband.  He hasn't come out to anyone but me which also makes it difficult.  He says he has known he was trans all his life but never told me until just recently so I guess I feel like I've been lied to, I feel betrayed.  I'm hurt.  I'm angry.  I'm sad.  I'm scared.  I want to stay with him, I want to remain his wife but there are times I wonder if I can.  I don't trust him 100% anymore, that trust has been violated.  I feel alone.  I don't know what to do or say.  I want to be there for him, I want to help him in any way he needs but I don't know if I can.  I am struggling.  There is this tension and this distance between us now.  We aren't as close as we used to be...I miss being close to him.  When he first told me I wasn't surprised, he has always been a feminine guy.  I thought it would be easy because I'm bisexual and my "adopted" brother (my best friend, more like family than anything) is trans so I've been through this before.  But it's not easy, it's not easy at all.  I've tried talking to my mom about this but she shuts me down.  I've tried talking to my therapist about this but that's proven to be no help.  Like I said, I want to stay with my husband.  I want to work through this.  I just don't know where to start.  I'm a pretty open book to feel free to ask me anything you want.

Welcome to Susan's Place. Both of you should seek therapy as you have much talking to do. We hide these feelings in us because we feel great shame for not conforming to society. I hid my feeings from my family for 10 years before I was forced to deal with the truth. We attempt to conform to society in the hopes that living a normal live will make the feelings go away but they don't. I hope you can understand but I don't fault you if you have lost trust. If you wish to ask me personal questions that will help you understand, feel free to. I am very comfortable with myself and am willing to help you understand as well as someone can who hasn't lived through it can.

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Hi Simplyme

My wife and I have been working through this over the last few years and are still together and if anything are closer now than we ever have been. I think this is a natural progression when you really start to communicate. It is very difficult for most women to be able to handle and the relationships tend to split. I know for my wife and I it is not an option to split for either of us as we are just too connected.

What you are feeling sounds perfectly normal to me and you do have a right to be angry over being lied too. You could be angry over many things and be justified in doing it. The biggest thing my wife and I have going for us is love...if you love him and want him around then tell him that, talk to him tell him how you are feeling and maybe after awhile you may understand and accept the her.

Its a very bumpy road and there is no right or wrong way to go about it...I am no expert here and my wife and I have a long way to go as well but we do intend to do it together. I wish you all the best and hope that you and your husband can work your way through this

Sarah T 

Hi Meredith,
I understand what it's like to be lied to and betrayed by someone we love.
Having recently started my own transition I can say that while I have known my whole life I have also tried denying it for most of my life.
So while it could be seen as a deception it may not be intended as one.
I would suggest either counseling or just sitting down and talking it over, get that connection back by understanding each other and reconciling.
I wish you and your husband/wife all the best and hope you can work through this rough patch.
If you need any help, advice, or information make a post and we will help if we can.
Hugs,
Sarah

First of all, welcome!!

I've been in your place; my spouse told me shortly before our 9th wedding anniversary and my reaction was also "I'm bi, he's always been a feminine guy, this should be easy." Yeah, no. The good news is that the most recent study showed that almost 50% of relationships do survive, and there IS hope so long as you want to keep trying. (Which is not to say you should feel obligated; if you realize you can't make this work, you deserve no guilt or judgment.) My wife and I are still happily - and romantically - together years later. But it's likely to be a hard and stressful road, and you deserve respect for your own needs and feelings as well. Try not to judge *yourself* either, because you're probably going to have emotions and reactions you didn't expect, and you can't control that any more than he can change the fact that he's trans. You may also want to find a therapist who's understanding of trans issues (if you have the time/patience for a second therapy relationship), because the ones who aren't tend to be - as you've noticed - less than helpful.

The one difference for me is that my wife did not know her entire life, and I feel for you there. I've seen enough trans people agonizing over this to think that it's a deception based in denial to themselves as much as anything else, but your feelings that you've been lied to and betrayed are valid. You're going to have to decide for yourself whether your husband has been trustworthy enough otherwise to get past that, and even if so, there's damage to the relationship that will take time and care to repair - and he's going to have to be willing to devote the attention and energy to your relationship that you need.

Good luck, and please do keep reaching out when you need it.

Meredith,

I am so sorry this has happened for you. I would suggest as Sarah did that your reactions seem pretty par for the course.

I am the transgender one in my relationship. I however, was either deep in denial or really confused. I did not really get it till this past year.  Oddly, today is our 25th anniversary. I don't regret a moment of it. I regret not realizing sooner. It seems like I was not able to make a choice till I knew.

We have been lucky and working through with a lot of talking. It takes a lot of honest communications to make it work. I cannot speak for your spouse. However, I am willing to bet she has been terrified of this conversation. I know it is a sort of lie(of omission). I imagine how that must hurt. If you want to stay with her, you will have to work through these feelings(when I say you, it could be you or the two of you). I agree with Dena, therapy is really important. Even if it is just you going for yourself(couples might be helpful). Your spouse should really be going through therapy too. Very often transitions are all about the transgender member but you have rights too. There is a saying that when a person transitions, so does their family.

Did I miss whether she plans to pursue transition and how far? That may be something that will be a challenge. Personally, I am not sure how far I will need to go to get myself to a comfortable place. Not everyone transitions fully.

You are in a terrible place right now. I hope it gets easier an lighter. If you love your spouse, pronouns may seem weird but you might want to practice and work on it. It shows a level of dedication you have to staying with her.

I hope I don't come across as lecturing you. These are all just suggestions.

I wish you luck, love and acceptance. I hope it gets smoother.

With warmth,

Joanna

Thank you all for your kind words.  I am currently in therapy, however my spouse is not.  The closest gender therapist is an hours drive away and our work schedules don't allow us that kind of time to drive that far.  We are doing our best to keep communication lines open and my spouse is finding support on sites like this one until we can afford to get to a therapist.  Thank you all again.

Meredith,

If I may be so bold. There may be people who disagree with me. However, I think your spouse should start therapy, even if it is not a specific gender specialist. Yes, do continue to work toward that end but I believe it is better to start therapy and sort some things out. Just be aware that they may have to do some work on what they are not familiar with, until you can get a full gender therapist lined up.

Some feel it is a waste of money. However, I think it is a great way to prep yourself and make decisions.

Good luck,

Joanna