Well long since my coming out at work, the other day just grated on my nerve, much more than usual that I can shake off.

So after a day and a half of getting my mind back on track, and to where writing this won't send me spiralling even worse, here it goes.

Among the copious amounts of "sirs" I get dealing with customer service, and some of the stubborn ones that still use my first name even though my last name is in crazy bold letters (decided to use Velcro, to stick my army name tape) on my name badge.
My manager (she's lesbian as it is, with transgender friends to boot) who always says she is super supportive of the whole lgbtq and of my own transition decides to out of all days tells me indirectly to fill in a more of the male stereotypical dress code with the simple phrase "tuck in your polo." To my point of not tucking, and even in a male stereotypical dress at the length of which it is barely reaching halfway within the beltline is in the lines of not to tuck a polo.
One of my supervisors, who usually is constant in using correct pronouns, forgets about all of that and for the whole of the day uses "him" and does also slip using the name that should not be used a few times even with the posted note on the inside of the managers office stating "PLEASE refer calling (first name) by (last name)" written by my manager and posted diligently thereafter the official HR decision that I will to be referred by last name.
Another one of the supervisors who got onto the job after I have been being referred to by last name officially, always referring me as "sir" when I confronted him about it after work a few days prior, in obvious female attire (obvious girl pants, light blue female v neck tee) he states "I always call everyone sir..." then in a more hushed tone "or ma'am." Earlier in the day when we were crossing paths and he was telling me that he was called in early during the day because the assistant manager had locked his keys in the office. So there wouldn't be much issue of anyone going out of their ways I decide to give him my phone number (due to living two miles away, which is a lot less of a travel than anyone else's fifteen to thirty miles of travel to get there) so when putting my number in his phone he deliberately uses my first name involved with it. Which in my opinion is if someone is to be referred by last name, wouldn't that suggest everything be dubbed into that manner? Or if he decides to use first names, to not say the name out loud while writing it in, which ultimately might steer him the wrong way if the need arises to make a phone call.

Discussion: workplace dress code male/female standards, workplace pronoun and name issues.

Kate <3

So you're now presenting at work as female? They should definitely be using the right pronouns/name etc. But if you're still presenting as male though a lot of people really won't be able to make the stretch. I didn't come out at work until two days before I went to full-time female, and even once I was presenting as female people would occasionally trip up with pronouns. It just takes time for people to rewire their brains.

Presenting as female as possible. Militarily short hair really does not bode well for myself, or my transition. But I mean otherwise in a state of clothing wise, wear of said clothes within the female standards for the company. And very light make up.

I don't really own but maybe a few things in my wardrobe of male clothing, other than one suit, and a few collar shirts I can in turn feminize.

Edit: Well I would understand a slip here and there for name for everyone that has been working with me this far. I mean it's different to go by last name as it is rather than being able to go by Kate, which would probably be easier if corporate would just allow me to do so.

Kate <3

Look at what women in your office wear and then wear the same as them. Consider getting a wig of similar length to their hair, so if no one has hair longer than shoulder length then no wigs longer than shoulder length.

Start working on your voice. Nothing triggers people like voice. If you sound male they will treat you male. If you can get a non-male voice (notice I did NOT say "female voice", just non-male) then they will more than likely treat you as female. If you do sound female then they will treat you as a woman.

The thing is working retail there is a large margin of mismatched greetings. My clothes are all femme in nature as well as my body shape except for my muscle tone, face and hair.
My voice, on the hand that is dealt, is not as manly as it is as I have been in an ever constant to use my "over the phone" voice which I've always been regarded as female over the phone, unless I have to raise my voice to shout out across the way.
Wigs may be out of the question, but needless to say I have been feminizing the style a bit regardless of the whole military standards, so there may be a slight wiggle room in that regard.

Kate <3

I mean, I got "him" and "his" and "sir" before I officially came out here. At that point I switched it up completely to dresses, skirts, (women's) pants and tops.

I don't wear anything androgynous to work at all. People get the message.

The hair is probably going to be a problem, as is probably your voice (I haven't heard it).

People aren't going to see "female" unless the markers are there unfortunately.

Well I have recently talked to several of my co workers. Which went well, well hopefully. The one who always had been saying sir, I had simply asked him that I would appreciate it if he would just be able to just take that choice of word selection and as per gendering wise just simply take that out of the process when we are on board. So far it has been a success, in which he just refers to me as my last name and that's that.
Otherwise talking to the supervisor that has had kept up with me and having the respects that when dealing in house with other associates he will gender me correctly, though on the other hand when dealing with the masses of everyone else i.e. customers, we had come up with a simple solution that when addressing me, there would be no he, him, she, or her, just simply Mierly, which is my last name. He has started to take action in filling in everyone else of this condition, as per, instead of any cause for distress to myself, but I am sure I may have to remind several of them to do so again from time to time until it will be second nature.
I'm still having a bit of trouble in the sense of my boss and her insistence to tuck my polo shirt, or button up in, in essence putting me into male stereotypical dress code, even though with any simple movement the shirt will become un-tucked anyways.
But as per my day today being generally decent at the beginning and then progressively going down hill due to many different aspect, I had noticed several things. Also had attempted successfully shed my button down to just wearing my work color female v neck shirt (usually always do this on the weekends due to working nights, and no corporate in office) which my boss hadn't said anything about it. But the previous time in which was during a weekday i had thought i had left my button up draped in my car, but didn't have it there, so on the spot before work i went to the clothes section, bought work color basic tee, which from all my other stores i worked at when it came down to it was acceptable wear, but that day apparently my boss had told me that i need something of a collar or buttons (polo/button up).
So in my assumption from today, I may be able to just follow suit on just wearing my colors as I do on the weekends into the weekdays. If my boss brings up the collar/buttons deal with me again, I will interject that she will need to let the other 80% including herself to do the same. Besides I felt almost like an oddball having a button up, when the cashier was wearing a regular plain work color tee shirt, she was wearing not of any collar or buttons, as well as the closing manager was wearing a plain tee shirt of work color.

Kate <3

I don't know where you live or what your protections are but in some places if your transisioning there is a strong case to be made that legal protections against gender also prevents a company from limiting dress code to one gender or another. Even that aside if your area has gender identity or expression protections as a individual who identify as female your management is likely required to let you dress as they would any other female employee even if that may push up against the official dress code.

At my work many of the women wear yoga pants despite it being against company policy, I know I would look awful in them but they couldent stop me from wearing them without stopping everyone.

On the other hand aside from a few employees who are awful and after three months still misgender me sometimes (though I have not had a mis nameing in more than a month) aside from those slips which right now is mostly limited to one or two people my work has been very good about my gender change they never stopped me from wearing the name badge I wanted, the management has been great about my name and they have been very accomidateing so far no one has said anything about me using the ladies room.. Possibly because I live in massachusetts and they know its a fight they will loose. To top it all off the woman who often works at the customer service desk thinks I am a new employee (I have been there 7 years. she is not the sharpest tool in the shed but a wonderful woman all the same) Now that said I dress and present myself in a more clearly feminine manner than any other woman working there so I guess that makes it easier on them and a suprise to me. (I should note that aside from the suprisingly trans friendly situation the job itself is a emotionally harrowing toxic enviorment)

Serena

I live about a half an hour from San Francisco. Decent, if not good protections. But in the whole scheme of my workplace and the unionized rules to abide by, are severely conflicting in themselves in which I am at a stalemate even at the union levels. I can't seem to locate the associate handbook for the whole dress code descriptors, but in a state of whole "team colors" tan pants, and navy colored top. In a way of no real specification other than a top consisting of buttons or collar (or both) and a reinforcement to all employees to start abiding by such standard just about two weeks ago. I have been wearing my button up as such with sleeve cuffs flipped and unbuttoned, as well as untucked due to any sort of movement would cause it to untucked to begin with due to the length in which it is, but avidly my manager always letting me know to "tuck in the shirt" which from the opinion of other associates as well as my own it is male stereotypical wear.
In the whole attire of it all, I have three options for current tops, my button up, which in length is improbable to tuck in, a more form fitted polo, and also loose fitted polo, in which both the polos are in a length of even in male standard to not tuck. And for bottoms, all obviously female attire, a set of slacks, a less formal but dress pants, and a pair of female dickies. For the sense of my manager to tell/remind me to tuck my shirt in, in all my top wear, would this fall under discrimination thereof male stereotyping? I have once kindly reminded my manager, about the first time we had conversation.

Subject to name, and gender area of my work and it's correlation. Name wise, I have officially been going by my last name for two months now, once in a while some associates slip, but I don't get upset at the slips unless they forget for the whole day, only three out of the many co workers I have get my last name pronounced right, otherwise I have been called anywhere from Mary, to Meryl, in which I dont mind due to the fact of "oh hey it sounds like a female name" so I don't bother to correct how it is said. And unofficially on my name badge, until the new ones come in, I have strapped Velcro on my name badge and am using my army name tape on it, in which my manager supports how I did that, as well as corporate has it being okay, and customers love it. And inclusive on using my last name as for customer service, if anyone asks my first name, I give opportunity to say that my name is Kate.
Then here comes note in which every single co worker gets wrong as even to this day about 90% of the time they still refer to me as him, and he. Even with the adjustment of my talk with the aforementioned supervisor about going completely gender neutral in reference to talking to customers by stating my name instead of a him, her, he or she. I have to constantly remind them every day more often than not multiple times, to stick with just referring to me as my name... even the supervisor who I had spoken with that made the agreement on the subject.


To make matters worse with this place, I have been the victim of harassment as of over the past few weeks. In front of the store we have a collection of different charities in which they drop off a person to sit and collect donations for the said charity. This one gentleman probably in his mind 50s, Hispanic, and always in a suit that resembles mariachi. Anyways recently (past three weeks) I suppose he has a liking for me as I can sense the crude but subtle way he was trying to flirt with me. At first I thought nothing of it, was a bit cute, but at the same time I had told him I wasn't interested. Then as per progressing several times a day I would have to pass by he would always try and grab my attention, he would say that I had a nice face. Progressively he added gestures of pursed lips and fingers against them, in a way signifying that he wanted to kiss me... I was thinking this is starting to get creepy. So last week I told him to stop, and I would deliberately avoid looking at him, talking with him, obviously ignore him and his trying to get my attention. So here I am last night, working and trying to get some work done, the other supervisor is on lunch at the time. Then the guy comes around the corner of an aisle, essentially creepy status and starts to tell me how nice my face looks and doing the gestures over and again... I tell him "sorry not interested... and I have to get back to work." During that time I rush to the office, and hole myself up in there, frustrated beyond belief because essentially I was just being stalked.. I waited for the duration until my supervisor was back, and let him know of the situation.. he was peeved that the guy did that, and if it wasn't for the fact that the guy was gone already been picked up by the charity owner, he was about to go tell the guy off.
Lacking sleep for the night, I head to work, cup of coffee in the morning, and as well an energy drink when I get to work, I go about my day, when I first see my manager, I mention that I need to talk to her when we get the chance. So later in the afternoon, her lunch, my 10 minute break, I unload the whole instance at her. She was pretty upset at the whole thing... but here is the brilliant (it's your problem not mine approach) she tells me to get in contact with the hr manager myself, to email them of the situation, and that I have already spoken to my manager. WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT? I was a bit astonished, but then I shrugged it off, in my mind I said whatever, wrote down the email for hr, and had to set back to work... I mean are you serious... if it were any of the cisfemales that were harassed she would have cracked down to the office got on the email and did a report herself... she had done so for the time when she found out one of our previous supervisors was sexually assaulted.

Reason after reason after reason to let me know, this company is backwards and upside down, having cases of loop holed legal discrimination, due to the fact that they know I am transgender and know my situation that I am not actively progressing (except transforming my attire and wardrobe)  due to the military.
I cannot go by Kate, due to it is not my legal name... and the only way to subdue that is to legally do so, in which would put red flags all over for the military. I have talked to both corporate and the union about this to see if I was able to make any sort of agreement that it will happen in due time, if I can, and was denied because as of current it is not legally so. Fine. Whatever. I have my legal last name and am using it as my name.
Dress code, tucked shirts... sounds like something a male would do. Due to not wanting to raise conflict I had tucked my shirt in, needless to say a minute later had untucked due to a lot of movement...I would be spending more time retucking in my shirt than actually working if I want to keep this presentation up. Reminder again and again... and again... okay, are you only telling me this or are you telling all of them to tuck in their shirts? Even after implementation of placing the button up/collar for everyone, supervisor number one, male, still wears tee shirts in store color, supervisor number two, female, always button up, never tucking the shirt, never once hear any reminders for her. Cashier number one, female, 50th anniversary company tee shirt, cashier number two, female, tee shirt, or throw over sweater. Floor staff, female, tee shirt with cardigan over it, usually cardigan placed on cart of which working from... so is this in full affect yet or what?
Harassment claim in progress, tomorrow, or well schedule has me working in about 4 and a half hours, and dependant when hr gets the chance to get to my email, I will give that about 10 hours from now. Dependant on what kind of response I get will give me my justification on if I want to put in a two weeks notice, quit on the spot letting my manager know that after this work week is over that's it, or clock out and literally walk out. I am so done with this place.

Here is an upside to this though, I have a guaranteed interview with a company in which has position available, in which is a better environment, in which pay is 100 times better, already knows of me being transgender, respecting my preferred name of Kate. Being closer to where I live only one mile out rather than two and a half miles out.
I am heading there to speak with the manager tomorrow after work to see if we can schedule my interview for Thursday, that is if I can't just have an on the spot interview.

Kate <3