First of all, I've been visiting the forums for a while now by simply browsing and seeing what others have to say. Thanks to everyone for all the great support, information, and kindness. What a great group--I'd definitely like to contribute and add my part of the conversation.
Secondly, I already read all the standard Terms of Service/rep/post/rules--I just like to stay ahead of the game. hehe.
So here's my story:
My mother was an immigrant from the Philippines and raised me without my father. To further complicate things, I was brought up as a highly conservative Christian with heavy emphasis on shaming anything that isn't within the socio-normative perview. Ultimately, this contributed to a lot of repressed feelings--like many of you who have known since childhood, I too suffered through having to "man up" and compete as such when on the inside, I really didn't care for it. Ironically, my first romantic involvement--however platonic and innocent, was cuddling with the pastor's son. His mother saw us cuddling together on the couch, as we did after school and things suddenly were not okay, and I received a very firm talk from my own mother the following week--which scared me away from male intimacy. Still, as a young kid, it didn't discourage me from going through my mother's closet, putting on her clothes, and using her makeup.
So, I ended up going through a dark emo phase, joined a band so I could grow out my hair, paint my nails, and wear eyeliner without being too much of a blip on my classmates' radars. Had a few girlfriends, flirted with some boys, finished college, and then joined the military. As the ultimate stamp of manliness, I thought I could push away the longing which I had trapped away. After several brushes with death on my tour in the Middle East, I started having nightmares. Not about combat, or the war--but about dying as a man.
When I returned, the nightmares subsided and I felt like I could stop dressing up--after all, my tour of service gave me a sense of invulnerability. However, the big change happened when I decided that I wanted to be the cool guy and push myself to the limit--get a motorcycle. So I did. And then I crashed it and broke my arm. I was on the way to becoming a member of Los Angeles' Law Enforcement department and then... I was disqualified because you can't join the academy with a broken arm. A huge roadblock to a career that I was ready to do 20 years in. At that point, I had nothing that could stave off my repressed emotions.
This second sweep of mortality reinvigorated the femininity that I've been holding back for so long. And I decided that I couldn't deal with the nightmares anymore. I started seeing a psychiatrist; upon her suggestion I started telling people about my gender dysphoria. My friends, many of which have large egos and a vast store of machismo contributed to a fear of rejection and abandonment. After all, I had projected and presented a very manly personality of myself. Still, they accepted me. I feel really lucky to have great friends and I hope to continue to build a support network and to help other ladies like myself.
Some quick things about me:
I am 26, have a lifetime of playing with womens' clothing, 1 month on HRT, and am considering Dr. Haben for voice surgery--I have a rather resonant baritone and wouldn't pass without the operation.
Next big hurdle:
-Coming out to my religiously bigoted mother and step father; my workplace; and perhaps the military.
Passions of mine include:
-Writing short stories--I do sci-fi, magical realism, and horror
-K-Pop
-Cooking. I can work the wok and do a pretty awesome garlic seared steak.
So here I am! A pleasure to finally say my piece to y'all
Audree
