Sorry to vent, but im just in a lot of pain right now.  I got in a huge fifamily fight tonight at a birthday party and it just really pushed me to the edge and made me think how unlikeable i am. I know that I'm a difficult person.  I know that im so crippled by depression and anxiety and gender dysphoria that i have such a hard time living and functionung like a normal person.   I wish more than anything i wasn't like thism. I want to just be able to be a normal happy woman and would give anything to be that.  I really would.  I'm tired of being miserable and hiding myself from everyone.  Im tired of being so scared about what others think that i don't allow myself to live the life i want or express my real feelings and thoughts.  Im like an unhappy robot.  Who would want to be around me? Who could like me? Who could love me?  And I understand this.  I may cry my eyes out that ill never have a boyfriend when i feel lonely , but understand why no guy wants to date a insecure ugly fat man who wishes he were a woman.  And I seem to disappoint and let my family down all the time it seems   And i definelty get why friebdships are few and far in between. I wish I were a more likeable person who could fit in this world more.  I wish i were able to do this while being able to be myself and not feel like i must hide ir be ashamed of my real feelings.  I want to be happy and be able to be myself.  I dont want to be a miserable insecure person no one wants aroubd.  But I understand that this is what ive made myself become through my fears and insecurities.  Maybe i just feel insecure today and the family fight and tgings said about me really hurt and hit home.  I just needed to release to someone and you guys have been the closest thing to family that ive had.  Thank you for giving me the space to let my feelings out, cause I've been crying a bit after my sister and I argued and it made me feel like garbage about myself.

Everyone feels like that sometimes -- I have faith that you'll feel better about yourself.  I've seen you posting over the years, and you're quite intelligent, thoughtful, and well spoken.  You're just in a rut today. 

Though what you think about yourself spreads to other people -- if you truly believe you're unlikable, you'll envision everyone you interact with as not liking you.  I think it's called "projecting" and its one of the common cognitive distortions.  If you feel like this all the time, try to find someone to work with you to help break this, or check out Byron Katie, I hear her methods are pretty good (http://thework.com/en).

Thanks.  I did have a bad day yesterday.  My sister's birthday had me reflecting on my own life.  All the things I've yet to accomplish and all the things I wish I could have in my life but seem impossible.  Then my other sister criticized me and said I'm like talking to a brick wall, anong other things.  I can't deny that; nonetheless, it hurt.  I want to be a happier person and want to be able to live as myself without always hiding, but I really struggle with it.  And my dysphoria and insecurities has beengetting worse.  It's getting harder everyday to remain living a lie everyday but it's been the way i am since I was 10.   I just feel upset about my current situation and ready to move forward, but I stand ib my own way.  And my sister kind of pointed that out to me on a day that i was bummed out already and just hurt me.  I know I'm ny own worst enemy and my constant running away and hiding from other people has only hurt me and made me unlikeable tonthe people who have to deal with me. 

Thank you for the suggestiona and listening.  I have been in therapy for 2 years, so ive been putting in work.  My therapist said that im closer than i realize to where i need to be, but that im going to have to go through a period where the pain of the status quo gets too much that i will have to push through my fears and discomfort.   Ive been doing tgis, but slowly.  Apparently my increased dysphoria is actually a good thing because its going to be a catalyst for positive changes and forcing me to face my fears and stop hiding from other people.    And i do feel more ready than ive ever felt before.  Im really excited about this and the need to live an authentic life is starting to make facing my fears seem miniscule compared to living a sad lobely life living a lue everyday.  It just hurts sometimes and i need to vent to someone.

Big hug! I like you.    Good to see you around again, too!

Hugs, Devlyn

I still like you too

It certainly has been a plus/minus situation for you; being so close to and impacted so often by some fairly negative family interactions?  I must also agree with DC that those negative self images are less needed than daily affirmations of your positive worth and potential.

You really are smart, thoughtful and sensitive to those around you.  Qualities a lot of people are looking for still......

My family never liked me except for my mother and father. I haven't talked to any family  for 20 years. My Mother passed when I was 8 and my father passed 20 years ago. My transition is totally of my own concern. I would absolutely never try to seek approval from anyone else , but myself. I have nephews and nieces I will never see and two sisters that I've realized over the years never did like me. I live to heal myself and live life the best I can.

First and foremost, you need to love yourself.   The other pieces will fall into place shortly thereafter.   Trust me on this one. 

There have to be things about you that are wonderful and uniquely so.   Find them and build from there.

Hugs.....

Your therapist is correct.  I'm sorry you are going through this.  It will get better.....

Jen

It's a sad fact that the majority of people have little time or patience with or for others who are depressed. I discovered that myself... I guess they are usually so close to being depressed themselves they don't want other people around who will bring them down. I think your therapist is right - you can't see the progress you are making because you're too close to the day to day of it. But your family also sounds unsupportive and that's not your fault.

Thank you everyone for your advice and support.  The reality is i don't like myself too much and deal with depression levels that fluctuate. But some days are better than others and there are some positive developments in my life abd I'm not totally disliked by everyone.  My best friend Stephanie has been really great to me during all the ups and downs of my transition.  I couldn't be more appreciative to have such a supportive and accepting friend in my life during all of this.  And as for good news, I recently got promoted and recieved a raise with benefits, so that meant a lot to me to know that my boss entrusted with the responsibility of the new position, especially after I came out   While my personal life is a mess, at least I at least have some trust and acceptence in my professional life. So I don't intend to say that I'm totally hated by the world, just acknowledging that most people don't want me around or like me for a reason.  I guess I've just been feeling very dysphoric and lonely this week. Even though this is very embarrassing, I've been very romantically lonely lately.  I really want a boyfriend/relationship  badly and get really lonely with never able to date at all, but I understand why it won't happen for me (fat, ugly, manly, bad personality, etc) and it gets me thinking about how undesireable I am to people in general, not just in the dating realm.  My sisters comments yesterday just really connected at bad time and made me feel even worse.  Especially since she was one of the few in my life that I assumed didn't have a poor opinion of me.

Anyway, I have no doubt that I do a lot of projection, but the reality is I'm a flawed person who not many enjoy being around.  While I'm likely projecting when I fear that people are laughing at me or talking about me behind my back at times, I think there is a reason why my life is the way it is. And that's on me, not others or a woe is me thing.  I need to accept responsibility for my unhappiness and work harder to make the positive changes that I need to make.  And instead od feeling ashamed of who I am, how I feel and always hiding, I need to embrace who/what I am.  Or else my life will continue in this unhappy cycle and I'll always be miserable and not comfortable in my own skin.  It just isn't easy for me. Sometimes i don't know if I will make it throufh this.  My therapist assures me that I will and that my feelings are all part of the process , but I  don't know.  I just feel so trapped, both emotionally and physically.  I wish I could be a normal girl instead of a weird insecure gender confused boy. Yes, i know it's weird that i obsess on my gender, but it's extremely important to me.

Thanks for listening to me and allowing me to get this out.  Also, I'm sorry for being an annoying downer as usual.  I've missed you guys and really do appreciate the kindness thats always shown to me here.  I just bottle so much up and hide all the time that i need someplace safe where i can be geninue about myself and not fear being laughed at or judged. And I'm feeling a little better because of it.  Thank you for that.

Love for you starts with yourself. Most people find it hard to have affection for someone who doesn't like or hates themselves.

Well, I like you. And I respect you. In spite of the sheer hell you're going through, your employers value you enough to promote you - which proves that they see your value, even if you're finding it difficult to do so at the moment. You're going through a tough time right now - as we all do from time to time - but it will get better, as your therapist rightly says.

It sounds like your self-esteem has hit rock-bottom. Your therapist hit the nail on the head when they said that you're reaching a point where the pain gets too much and you have to push through it to get to where you need to be. I reached that exact point a couple of years ago, when I thought I could count on my family to support me whilst I did what I needed to do. Boy, was I wrong about that: my family behaved outrageously, and they almost succeeded in making me feel worthless. I hit rock-bottom, and as soon as I realised that I wouldn't be able to count on my loved ones for support, I realised I had no choice to turn inward and find my own strength. I held my head high, pulled myself out of the gutter of my own insecurities, and pushed forwards with what I needed to do.

It's a sad fact that we can't change the way other people feel about us, or behave towards us. But we can change how we respond to those things... and we can decide how much we're willing to put up with. I've learned that people who say nasty things about me, or who disparage me, or who try to make me feel bad about myself... are simply not worth my time or effort. There are 7 billion people on this planet; I don't have time to waste on people who don't add value to my life.

If you can, surround yourself as much as possible with people who do validate you - even if it's just us & your friend Stephanie to start with. Use us to build up your self-esteem to the point where you start to see yourself in a better light, because self-respect is an important first step towards respect from others. Once you have your self-respect back, your family will notice that you're feeling more confident - and you'll be able to demand better treatment from them.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on September 25, 2015, 09:55:33 AM
If you can, surround yourself as much as possible with people who do validate you - even if it's just us & your friend Stephanie to start with. Use us to build up your self-esteem to the point where you start to see yourself in a better light, because self-respect is an important first step towards respect from others. Once you have your self-respect back, your family will notice that you're feeling more confident - and you'll be able to demand better treatment from them.

That is the BEST advice I have ever heard and it's true.  I have my best friend of 16 years, and when she is around my self esteem goes up like 100 fold.  It has rubbed off when she is not around. It just takes time to believe in yourself BUT it WILL happen.  I am the most negative person that I know but it is changing.

I don't care who you are, how much money you have etc, everyone needs love and support, everyone.  Just some of us need a little more.

Anyway I have just one more thing to add and that is...

...*hugs*

A fact is that I can not be a genetic woman. Some people do not like me, but others still like me, not for my beauty, but for my character and performance. My kids do not like my wearing skirt or bikini, but they just accept it. My colleagues are the same.

The bottom line is that I am between a man and a woman. There are many obstacles and difficulties, but I cherish some of merits of me as m2f transgender. I have experienced the word of both men and women. The two worlds seem nearly the same, but I realize and experience some contrasting difference.

It is difficult to live as transgender in the world where dichotomies dominates. Still, there are some spaces where you can express, enjoy and be proud of. It is like yin and yang. There are some dark places, but there are also bright places, too. The world is not completely bad, or completely good. Human always struggle between the two opposite status. Our life and we are imperfect, regardless of our gender identity.

There are far more people who are facing more difficult plights or disadvantages in the world. Just one recent well-known example: https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/five-myths-about-refugees/2015/09/25/ecd8a9d6-6149-11e5-b38e-06883aacba64_story.html

barbie~~

I can relate to your thoughts. I've been in a pretty bad depression for the last two weeks or so, but I'm slowly crawling out of it.

I came out as transgender to most of my close friends by now, but I have yet to come out to my family which I'm stalling as long as I can. The thing is, my family never supported me emotionally and being the third child in line is hard because I always get picked last.

One thing that I've learned is that no matter how much people tell you to stay close to your family, if they are not supportive of who you truly are, they are not deserving of your time and effort. I know my opinion differs from the majority in that regard, but I think it really is senseless to try and uphold a relationship when the only thing you have in common is the fact that you're genetically related to each other. It's not your obligation to be with them.

After everything is said and done, if your family still doesn't support you at the moment you need it the most, then let me say this: There are plenty of people on this board, myself included, who can show you the mental support you're looking for.

I fully understand where You are coming From I never liked myself all  my life .but Since I started My transition I have never been happier and now I do like the REAL ME the person I was pretending to be for 58 Years was never REAL so that is Why I and others could not really get to know and like properly . He was just a shell that I was presenting because that was what was expected from Me .But now I am ME and I love my REAL LIFE . Learn to love the girl inside of You and then You can let other people see that there is a nice friendly lovable person inside that fragile shell that You have to project .Only if you love Yourself can You let other people in to love You too

My first 2-3 years on this road was one heck of a "WTF am I Doing " roller coaster ride. I tend to agree with the therapist. The more you open up to yourself, the more you ALLOW YOURSELF to think outside the box you locked yourself away in, the more scared and confused you get. You also didn't run back into that box. Why? There were good things that happened too. People tend to always see the worse.

I need to keep reminding myself of all the GOOD things that have been happening to me as well as my life. Not always easy. It takes work. It is part of the overall healing process which takes a lot of work.

On a lighter note.... A friend of mine from HS & college once told me his father asked asked him one day "Do you want to go through life fat, drunk and stupid?" So he went on a diet

Baby Steps. Looking back and seeing positive things, either small or big, is a lot healthier and joy filled then not seeing any at all

I'll just add my 2c's worth here too. Just checked my diary and i was feeling just like you 4 weeks ago and now i'm on a high again cause i'm moving things along. You can count on us here for as much support as you need and we'll do what we can. We all go through this kind of stuff. Keep on trying to be the best you can and use Some PMI.
Sophie