So today was the first official step into me accepting myself as trans-gendered. it was intake for therapy sessions. However, a few things I'd like to say off the bat, to dissuade any comments I know I'll receive.
1. I know for a fact this will not SOLVE any problems I have, there is no magic cure-all. Life won't be easier either way, in fact, life will be much harder in ways for me if I choose to transition.
2. No one, and I repeat, no one can tell me who I am but me. And even then, I must be brutally honest with myself.
3. In my research, I have looked into the wonderful, heartwarming stories, and the terrifying, discouraging stories of de-transition.
4. While I have the extreme fortune of coming of age in a society which is much more accepting of various people, regardless of background, gender, or sexuality, there will still be opposition, ignorance, and down right hatred aimed toward me. I know this and accept it.
5. I will lose relationships, some opportunities, and family. In regards to family, I accepted that fact long ago, and no longer desire nor want their companionship or presence. I also know that family is not blood, and I will find those who do love and support me, with some effort on my behalf. And while some doors close, others will open.
6. No matter how terrified I am, I will keep going to understand and come to peace with myself. In the end, the ONLY, I repeat, ONLY person I desire to and am obligated to keep happy and comfortable is myself. NO ONE ELSE.
7. While I know everyone has their reasons, my reason for desiring transition has very little to do with others or sexuality. If I had to break it down, it'd be 90% Internal and being comfortable with myself, 7% being passable for others, 3% sexual.
8. I will utilize every resource I have to make myself 150% sure I am ready and willing to take the steps of no return.
9. I understand that I have somewhat an advantage do to the fact I am younger (almost 19) and understand that this is an ideal time to begin my journey that many wish they could have. However, I will still be patient and very, very sure this is what I want.
10. finally, no matter what happens, I am the only person who must live with this decision, for the rest of my life. I must make sure I am willing to live with it.
With that out of the way, I would like to thank all of you, if for nothing else than just making it through the day, staying strong, and being so willing to help others with this monumental decision. While I still have a ways to go, and I know what hell lies ahead, I believe it's nothing I've not faced before in other ways, and coming from a background like my own, I am not unaccustomed to days where I just doubt everything, and just want to disappear. Hell, even suicidal at times. Despite all this, I'd rather wade through hell than give up and give in. My happiness and to have how I feel on the inside reflect in my external appearance would be worth it all.
One last thing I want to mention is my suspicion that my feelings may be rooted in some physiological reasons as well. I do have a couple conditions which are common in cisgendered females, such as TMJ, skeletal conditions, weight distribution, and possibly even duplicated ureters. Again I am not looking for excuses nor validation. Simply curious and would find it a slight bit affirming to know about these things.
I hope to get to know all of you lovely men and women, cis-gendered or trans-gendered.]
~Lilith (or Lili. Still working out naming deal :p)
