Hi, my name is Laila. Well its sort the name I've been using anonymously online, but I will most likely be sticking to it IRL once I am further into my transition. My username, Punzie, is short for Rapunzel. (She is my idol) Anywhooo, I'm 18 and a MTF closet transgender who is just beginning my transitioning journey. I've always known there was something different with the way I thought in comparison to other males my age and I could always relate with the girls. I would play with my older sister's toys in secret. It wasn't until my mom caught me one day and I felt so guilty for disappointing her.
Going down the road, when I was 11 my dad was killed in the military. It was very traumatic and I became very depressed. Puberty was just beginning for me and never had I hated myself so much in life. My father had very severe acne growing up, so I also began to develop it with puberty. Along with the hair and other things that come with male puberty, I was so disgusted. All the other boys my age were talking about girls, sex, and dating, while none of that interested me at all. I never really imagined myself growing up and when it did start to happen I panicked. I did not want to become a man, but I also didn't want to disappoint my mother. Since my father died, my mom began to control almost every aspect of my life. Keeping everything secret from her was a pain, but I managed to stay hidden. If she knew I was a part of any social media or online communities, she would demand to see everything I would say and force me to delete it. When I began to start dieting to become healthy, she shunned me for wanting to lose weight and not bulk up "like all men should." She would always compare me to how my father was and I would always put up an act saying how "I will someday," even though I could never imagine myself growing up as a man.
With this tremendous amount of pressure to please my controlling mother, my OCD and perfectionism ultimately resulting in an eating disorder, anorexia nervosa. I also picked up distance running and became obsessed with being as fast and skinny as I could be. I absolutely envied the super skinny girls with long flowing hair on my cross country team. From 7th grade to the end of my freshman year in high school, I went from 5'3 and 120 pounds to 79 pounds at 5'5. I wasn't living. I didn't know who I was anymore. All I wanted was to be perfect. My quest for perfection ultimately resulting in me wanting to just waste away since I was a mistake. I thought God made a mistake when he made me. That I wasn't supposed to exist and I'm being punished for it. I wasn't sexually attracted to girls, I always felt like I wasn't a boy, and I never could imagine myself growing up to be a man, getting married, and having kids. I felt like I had no purpose in life other than to just suffer and die. I contemplated suicide, but I just couldn't do it. I don't want anyone to get upset over me and I would never want anyone to suffer at my selfish expense. I gained weight, but very very slowly. I watched as puberty did its damage day by day and I went insane.
The only thing that gave me hope was turning 18 and becoming an adult so I can get out and be true to myself. Once senior year came around and I was nearing a college decision, I finally realized that I have the power to choose what I do with my life. I can be who I want to be. My mom isn't going to control me forever, no matter how much she thinks she knows what is best for me. I decided that I would stay in state for my first year and plan out my life, career, and most importantly, my transition into the right gender. I have been going to college so far and planning my transition in secret. My mother is very conservative, so I'm waiting for a long time until I come out to her. I a living with her right now, so it would be too risky for her to figure things out and possibly prevent me from becoming the woman that I am inside.
Today I just had my first therapy appointment with a therapist who has had minor experience with LGBT patients, but she was the best and most affordable person I could find who would not be so conservative like the rest of the population where I live in. I'm hoping to start Hormone Therapy and Blockers soon, hopefully with a trans friendly doctor. Once I am on hormones, I'm going to take baby steps with gradual changes like getting my eye brows done, electrolysis hair removal (even though I don't have that much hair for a birth male), and make up! I've always wanted to use makeup and not be judged for doing so, so I'm really excited.
For once in my life I finally feel like I have a reason to live and a path to take. I know I wont be able to be a productive citizen until I am who I really am. I want to make a difference in this world and help people so that no one has to go through what I did or that no one has feel what I did. No one should have to spend their life hating themselves and not taking the opportunity to love themselves enough so they cane have the power to help others. I know I am a women, and I am proud of who I am as a person. I will not let the judgement and discrimination of others define who I am. I'm really alone in this path, but I know there are others here who know where I'm coming from. Ultimately, I hope that I can relate with people here and just be comfortable being me and not being so afraid of what people think of me.
So.... yeah, that's kind of my story. Sorry if this introduction was TLDR-ish. Its also 3:30am and I was feeling compelled to join and write this intro after having an emotional moment and couldn't sleep... so there might be some typos. Anyways, I hope that I will be able to make friends here and receive support along my journey and also help others who are in a similar situation!
