Hello,

I've been reading a lot of the posts on this website and I am very confused. I'm a 43 year old male trying to come to terms and accept myself as more than likely being trans. The problem is sometimes I feel ok being male and just feel like a normal guy, but then there are times when I am convinced that I truly am female inside.

Most of my days there is this constant voice in my head saying "I am a guy", or "I am a girl, but that's ok". It just happens unconsciously like I'm trying to prove to myself that indeed I am a guy or girl. When I catch myself with these thoughts is when it gets all messed up because soon as I realise I'm telling myself that I'm either a guy or girl, my mind goes right off the rails and the voice becomes "boy..........girl.........boy....girl....boy.girl.boy.girl.birl.goy...." It's hard to type how the thoughts go, but it is like boy and girl alternate so quickly that it becomes a blur and I end up being both simultaneously. Does that make sense to anyone?

If I was 100% sure that I was a MTF trans, I could probably accept that without a great deal of difficulty. I'll even settle for 90% or 80% sure. I'm not even sure if I'm a guy. I'm sure if I went to the local preschool and asked all the 2 year olds if they were s boy or girl, they would answer with certainty and probably even laugh for asking such a silly obvious question. How can I not know what I am? Is it the fear of the unknown that is trying to hold on to the idea that I am a guy or am I something in between? I'm pretty sure if you gave me a magic button that could turn me into a woman and everything/everyone in my life would also be instantly accepting as if I was born a woman, then I would press the button without hesitation. But when I feel ok as a guy, the whole trans thing seems like some kind of silly phase that I was going through. It is all very exhausting and confusing.

Does anyone else ever think like that, or am I just odd?

Jayne

PS: I am currently seeing a gender therapist. I have my 3rd appointment next week. Hopefully some of these questions and uncertainties can be answered with her help.

I feel ya. Before I started transition, I would have a day here and there that I would feel very feminine. And then there was the rest of the time, when I felt like nothing much of anything in regards to gender. Lol eventually, I've come to separate out the difference between disliking aspects of my body and feeling that I'm a "man" or "woman". I really don't feel like I'm either in regards to gender roles. I'm just fine being androgynous. However, my body I didn't like one bit. I never enjoyed my male body. Nothing about it. It felt like an albatross around my neck, misrepresenting me and making me feel... Undeveloped, in a way. So I've come to realize and accept in myself that I am a female bodied androgyn. Or socially non-binary female bodied person. Labels aren't particularly important to me. Lol It's my sex that felt wrong, not my role in society, exactly. I didn't like being addressed a man, or referred to as a man, or the masculine pronouns, or having to be lumped in with a bunch of dudes I didn't identify with based on physical characteristics. But aside from social stuff that had a direct link to my physical sex, I could give ->-bleeped-<- all about gender roles. I've replaced my dishwasher myself. I still work on my furnace. I play video games and like having a bunch of horsepower under the hood of my Hyundai Sonata(not that I'm super into cars, mind you). I still read comic books. I'll hold doors for women or men. I like putting my arm around a partner at times AND I like having her put her arm around me at times. My sense of humor can be crass. I like makeup and live jewelry. I guess what I'm saying is, my gender dysphoria came specifically from my hating aspects of my body and being misrepresented to society by it.  I believe some other people's experience also includes dysphoria related to their gender role. I think that s is why it was so difficult for me to realize that I was trans, because it wasn't so much that I knew I was a woman as I knew I wasn't a man. I never identified as a boy, but I knew I wasn't a girl either because of what everyone told me. Lol doing gender is hard. Lol

Jayne,

I can relate 100% to you. I know those conflicting feelings all too well, and have struggled with them, most noticeablely, in the last 5 or so years. I find myself wanting to be a girl so badly, my stomach dropping and getting butterflies when seeing a girl walk past because I want to be them. But then, especially when I'm around my girlfriend, I feel fine with being a male. It's conflicting, it's confusing and it doesn't feel nice.

So, I tried looking at it from another perspective, and maybe this will help you too. I asked myself "If I was completely happy being male, would this thought have crossed my mind?" and the answer was no, it wouldn't. If I was completely happy being male, wanted to carry on the rest of my life being male and could give this all up, I wouldn't be questioning my identity, cross-dressing or on these forums.

I then asked myself "If this was just a fantasy of mine, and wanted to live as a male but relish in the fantasy, how would I be acting?". I know that I would not be on these forums looking for answers, contemplating changing my body and my whole life.

I look at my male friends. They never question their identity, nor whether or not they'd prefer to be female. They are just male, that's just the way it is and they're happy in their life (with the exception of if they're hiding like me). Well, that's not the same for me. I AM questioning, because I feel like I have to. I cross-dress because it makes me happy and makes me feel right. I'm on these forums looking for answers, just like you too!

What's this done for me? It put it into perspective. I'm here for a reason. I want to look like a girl for a reason. I'm trying to find answers for a reason. I'm questioning and doubting who I am for a reason. And that reason is because something, right now, is not right. And that is congruencey between what I look like, what I want to look like, how I feel and how I think. And now, I am leaning more and more towards wanting to change.

All circumstances are different, and this is just what is going on inside my head and my heart. But I want to offer you some insight. I know where you are in your journey, because I am there too. Confused, restless and just wanting to know why and who you are. You'll find the answers, just keep looking, keep safe and keep an open mind. I am always around for a chat, like many of the beautiful ladies on these forums and the wonderful gentlemen too! It will take some time and some effort, but that is all nothing compared to the feelings of finally understanding who you really are.

It isn't a silly phase, please don't feel that way. You never signed up for it, but you're doing your absolute best, and you must give yourself praise for that. What will be, will be. It all happens for a reason, and you'll be stronger for it.

With much love and warmth,
Karlee.x

You should keep in mind that a lot of girls are "tom boys" so it doesn't necessarily mean that you're going back and forth between male and female... maybe sometimes you just aren't really thinking about it and just feel comfortable and then you start questioning yourself.

You're 43 so I have to ask: When did you start feeling this way? Is it something recent, or have you known for awhile? I mean if it's only started just recently maybe it could be a midlife crisis?

I'm 27 and I know that when I saw my therapist that he told me that if someone thinks they're transgender by my age then chances are that they probably are. But, I've known since I was 10 or so.

The only one that can really answer the question of whether or not you're really a girl is you. Your therapist can help guide you in that direction, but like they say "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." And honestly, nobody should push you in one direction or the other. That isn't fair to you. This is something really big that you need to figure out on your own, but others can help you come to understand what you're feeling.

I would suggest a gender therapist would be able to help you sort through this stuff, which I'm sure a lot of us can identify with. There are a few good ones around the US available for Skype sessions, which might be a nice, low-risk, low-commitment way to get started? That's what I did. Following this (actually, before this, but I cannot condone it) I started a hormone therapy program, and that was what really cleared things up for me. There are a number of people I've read about that consider their feminine feelings more of a fetish than a need to transition, and these people I think would be very regretful of continuing therapy or surgery after testosterone is removed from their systems. After about six months of hormones, changes (mainly to breast tissue) become irreversible, but with a slow, maybe even low-dose hormone regimen, you can ascertain your feelings and be sure you want to go forward BEFORE things become irreversible. Three months HRT will get your head straight, one way or another. Good luck!

Oh, if you're looking for a skype therapist in Colorado, message me first, because there is an amazing woman in Boulder who I can wholeheartedly recommend as she helped me after a horrible woman in Denver almost cost me my surgery, who I will most certainly warn you about.

Thank you all for your wonderful replies.

Cadence Jean, I don't really care about labels too much myself other than it one way I could try and understand myself. The label is more for me. I don't really care if other people think of me as male, female or a unicorn.   I think I can relate to what you are saying about gender roles. I wish I had a female body, but as far as my role, I would probably be considered a Tom boy. I like to tinker with mechanical things, ride my mountain bike and motorbike and go camping in the bush with my 4wd. I guess that's part of the reason why I get so confused. Gender Identity and Gender Role are probably 2 seperate things and I'm blending them into the same thing in my mind.

Karlee, thank you so much for your reply. That all made south sense to me. Indeed, what am I doing here and asking questions about my gender if I was truly happy as a male. I suppose I am transgender. I don't know exactly where I fit on the transgender scale, and from everything imam learning, it is a broad scale. If I was to take a guess, I would think I probably fit somewhere slightly past halfway towards female, whatever that may mean. Thank you for offering a different perspective. It was very helpful.

Venus, I think that I do in fact identify as Tom boy (just currently in the wrong body, lol). I am 43 and have only recently started taking serious notice of these feelings. However, the feelings have always been there. I didn't recognise the feelings at the time, but now thinking back in hindsight, they have always been there to various degrees.

GendrKweer, thanks for your suggestion about using Skype. I am actually currently seeing a gender therapist. I have my 3rd appointment this week. She seems very good and have a real good feeling that she will be able to help me. I'm in Australia by the way.

Jayne

Karlee, great read on your thoughts. I agree with all.
From my brain, a few thoughts;
Are you with good therapists,shrinks,docs who are helping you get to the bottom of t your transgendered life?
If you were "assigned female at birth" like myself, then you are a female, even though you have a male body, I know because this true, because since I was very young I have felt more female then male.
I was doing the same as you yesterday, after a awesome cycling trip with male friends, I rode in circles in a parking lot, reminding myself it is OK to be me, just as I am, I accept the fact I must dress as male ( more than I can crossdress), to survive.
I love yoga... Meditation is very powerful if you can master it well. I have been lazy, not sitting to "quiet" my mind.. Once you find a quiet mind, when you become aware again, things really become much easier to comprehend and align with your true self. I would suggest you join meditation groups near you.
It's important ( coming from my great docs) that you seek and talk with others like yourself
I'm willing to correspond with you ongoing, as we are on the same path so to speak
Love you,
Chrissy

GendrKweer,
I'm unable to message you
If your able to message me, I would like to have the name of your therapist in Boulder.
Thanks,
Chrissy

Hi Jayne:

Well my friend - been there, done that. Did it for a long time and then insanely for ~2 years and that was pretty scary, which drove me to gender counseling.  It's great you are going, yea!  Well, not that its a celebratory thing but definitely a good move on your part. 

There ton's of good advice/conversation in this thread alone, so I won't duplicate it.  You aren't alone, aren't crazy, and definitely not strange, and trans probably but that's up to you and your therapist.  Your experiences are quite common though and that was the source of my dissonance - ("Yes, I am.  No, I am not . . . ad nauseum.")   

Sooo, welcome; this is a great resource and place to hang.

TTFN,

Rachel

Glad I could be of help, Jayne! Yeah,  I consider myself a grown up tom boy. Which is to say, if I feel like being girlie some times, I go for it. But mostly, I wear jeans and boots and a t-shirt, keep my hair relatively short, and wear lite makeup. I do love jewelry tho...

And ain't nobody gunna take my video games away from me! Lol

Someone made a good point about first inklings. I had mine when I a child, under ten but I couldn't say exactly how old. I didn't know I was trans (or at least denied it), but I knew I wanted to do all sorts of things girls were doing(jump rope, Jacks, play house) and I wanted to play with the girls too, but I "was a boy and boy don't do those things" according to my friends. It was high school when I admitted to myself that I had a feminine soul and that I wish I had been born female. Once I figured that out, I told my guy and girl friends. I got some very strange looks! Lol and still I didn't admit that I was trans. I thought transition was something other people did, that I couldn't do it. Eventually, I realized that these urges and this longing to have female parts and be able to do things like wear women's jewelry or wear makeup when I felt like it, and be recognized by others as who I really am... That all grew to that tipping point and I started exploring my gender identity. "going down the rabbit hole" so to speak.

My litmus test was imagining my gravestone. What would I want it to read, how would I want to be remembered? And I realized it horrified me to think that I would be dead and buried as a man, never having lived as a woman, never having shown my authentic self to the world, and never having known what it was like to be biologically female or live through events as a woman(I. E.  Wearing a lovely evening gown to a formal event). It was when I hit upon that that I decided that I would transition.

Something I find interesting too is that I hated dressing formal before, I didn't want masculine tattoos, I didn't want to wear masculine jewelry, I could care less about my wardrobe or how clothes fit. But now, I care about all those things. Not in a "do I pass" way, but in a "is thi s flattering, do I like how this looks on me" sort of way. I think that a big indicator too that if I care about this stuff when it's "women's" stuff instead of "men's" stuff, then that must mean something. it's the right fit for me... No pun intended. Lol

I liked what another poster said about trying hormones for a few months before changes become irreversible. That s what I did, and I never looked back. Lol So much started to align emotionally and internally for me at that point. It felt right.

I wonder, do cis people feel any real doubt about their gender? Maybe the odd fleeting "what it would be like as a man/woman...?" but no deep, often crippling confusion. Jayne, unfortunately only you can really decide who you are but the the fact you are going through this would suggest you don't sure the gender comfort common with cis people. For trans people it makes sense we feel considerable back and forth about our identity, we don't feel we are in the right body and we have no real way to express it, cis centric society isn't set up to allow for it. It is worth noting though that many who through transition and discover themselves as their true self find the confusion and doubt often, usually (but not always) drops away. I know it did for me.

Thank you all so much for your great replies.

Rachel, I'm really glad I am seeing a gender therapist. She is very good and I look forward to the next appointment each week. My wife is actually coming along with me this week, which is great. You sure I'm not strange? I don't mind being just a little strange!

Cadence Jean, it's funny what you said about your litmus test. I have always thought something similar. It didn't involve a gravestone. It is me lying in my deathbed in a hospital (old age) having never told a soul my secret, and I don't like the feeling. I imagine telling the nurse before I die just so at least one person knows. I suppose that should be some kind of sign.

Ms Grace, you said that the confusion and doubt dropped away for you after transition. Does the dysphoria also go away? I would like to know what it feels like to go through a whole day or a week without gender entering my mind. To just be, and enjoy life without a constant voice in the back of my head telling me I am a girl or I am a boy.

Jayne

Transition did remove the majority of my dysphoria. It certainly didn't solve all my life problems, and created a few more on top of it. Also, transition isn't a one size fits all solution. A lot of it will depend on your issues, your expectations and so forth.

Thanks Ms Grace. I don't expect all of life's problems to be solved, but if dysphoria took a back seat or even left the room for a while, it would make it easier to deal with other problems of life that everyone else faces. Right now my dysphoria is using up more than its fair share of my brain capacity.

I know I'm on track to finding the solution that fits me, I just haven't found it yet.

Thank you all again so much for your thoughtful replies.

Jayne