Hi all.

Triggered by desperate GD, this month I came out to a number of key people at work. The bottom line is that my coming out at the workplace is happening. Thus my full time as well. Long before HRT.

This is the first time my HR deals with this matter, so there are no tried or beaten paths. So here is my question --

As part of the process, the HR proposed that I have a meeting with the key people in my network and tell them myself, presenting as a man they know, about the change that is going to happen. The reason provided is that it will be easier for them to stay connected to the real me once the change happens.

Let me say I have no problem completing everything that will help me stay integrated at work and keep job where I can be myself at the workplace.

But what are your thoughts on the approach the HR proposed? Would you like to challenge it? Do you have improvement or another idea on mind?

I would love to have a conversation here and improve my approach. I do have full freedom to do things my way, because it is my life and my career that is at stake. And there are still weeks until it will happen. So far I am buying the HR's proposal, but would love to discuss it here as well.

Many thanks for your thoughts dear people!

Have the meeting, that way any questions arise you can answer right then.

I'm currently going through this myself and that's very similar to the approach that we're taking.

I've chosen to meet with three people first along with the HR director locally that I've been working with as well as a member of the companies' diversity council.

The plan is to meet first with these three, explain the situation and then discuss how to proceed further.  i.e.:  How to share this knowledge with the rest of my workplace, set a date for coming to work as me (finally!), identify what groups will need any additional training (sensitivity/diversity/etc....) and go from there.

I will also continue to come to work as a male for the time being, I've already planned to take my last weeks' worth of vacation as a buffer period between being at work as a male and being there as female.  When I take that time depends on what we come up with when we meet next week.

From what I understand this initial meeting will lead to at least one additional meeting with an expanded group of colleagues to further the process for me. 

For me, HR has been *extremely* supportive and above all they have said that they want to do this right and make sure that I have all of the support that I need to be successful so I consider myself very lucky. 

Good Luck and congratulations! 

Thank you. Likewise!

Quote from: Emjay on September 26, 2015, 09:59:01 PM
For me, HR has been *extremely* supportive and above all

This is true. Those people are trained to at least appear understanding. In the first meeting I provided them with those pages:

http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/workplace-gender-transition-guidelines
http://hrc-assets.s3-website-us-east-1.amazonaws.com//files/assets/resources/ErnstYoung-TransitionGuidelines.pdf

So if you want to give them something to start from, there you go.

An improvement came up:

Per previous plan. A big meeting mentioned above shall be moderated by management and the HR people, if for length. Simply because there could be 50+ people. This remains part of the plan.

The new thing is, my team and really close co-workers shall have one non-moderated and more private meeting before that. Those are people who sit next to me, see that I am a troubled person but don't know what is it about. I expect only acceptance there.

The same day, we will meet in the city after work so they see the casual real me.

One my proposal that is still pending response:

Similar to what is proposed in susans.org materials, I want the meetings done on Thursday, to avoid the Friday atmosphere. Then on Friday I am gone while the HR changes stuff that needs changing. Monday will be the day one. I will perhaps pick up my new stuff at the reception or find it at my desk.

I do expect more than one welcoming banner and other stuff. It will feel like a Birthday.

Does someone have a special 'We can do it' banner stashed and ready for use on such occasion?

A few days after I had started HRT I told our management about the whole affair. We agreed to decide a few months later how my coming out would be arranged. Some six months after that we decided that I would invite a handful of people close to me for a Friday evening after-work surprise meeting. I appeared as my male self, told everyone that a few things would change from now on, went around the corner, changed clothes and let my hair down, came back and introduced myself to everyone with my new name. We talked for hours.
Early on the following Monday I went to work in full female attire, talked a few minutes to every colleague I ran into and explained to them what was going on. I have been full time ever since. Talking to everyone in person, showing them my confidence and letting them feel that there would be no awkwardness in dealing with me has contributed greatly to the success of that critical part of my transition.

Entering the building that day was probably the bravest thing I ever did...

Quote from: Girl Beyond Doubt on September 28, 2015, 03:51:23 PM
Entering the building that day was probably the bravest thing I ever did...

Can imagine.

Presently, the plan in effect is entering building every day with a simple wig, taking it off in a hidden spot and that is how my workday begins. After the workday, I shave my face on remote stairs, put on the wig and leave with beard shadow.

Putting an end to that hiding, and allowing me to be the full myself outside and inside will be yet another chain broken. It will feel like finally coming to work without having to take off my wig, or worrying about clothing I will pick. How I talk to people. Which topics I choose when we socialize. What jokes I 'should' tolerate. Watch how (much) I smell (on fragrance). Keeping my head down when getting strange looks. That is called breaking free. Full time will be so beneficial first to my nerves, then to finally settling in my gender role without jumps I now have every work day.

Not sure I should wear make up the first day, I would cry a lot.

Another turn.

There will be no big moderated meeting, because size and moderation on their own would prevent the most unpleasant from speaking out. And many others.

Quote from: Martine A. on October 03, 2015, 02:18:32 AM
Another turn.

There will be no big moderated meeting, because size and moderation on their own would prevent the most unpleasant from speaking out. And many others.

So I will only have the small meeting with my team.

In addition to this, I will approach several persons who don't fit in the small-enough group, and have separate meetings with them.

The HR will change my info only after I appear at the office as myself.
The first day I plan to write an email to the mailing list where we announce new people on board.

Hi Martine-

Meeting with selected members of the senior management team beforehand and delivering a coming out letter A) controls the spread of information and mis-information, and B) controls the number of people that know, and C) allows time for your message to be spread in an appropriate manner, and D) may provide certain legal protections to you.

Here's how I did my coming out at work.

I met with 3 key people (the CEO, the HR lady, and my boss) individually one day in guy mode and gave each of them a coming out letter and talked to them, describing how I had gotten to this point in my life. The CEO later spread the word to other key management folks. The CEO asked how the company could help and I suggested that they get a gender therapist to come in and give a presentation to everyone on one of the days I was taking off prior to the change - that way, people would have the information that they needed and inappropriate water cooler talk, outing me, or misgendering would be reduced. People could get their questions answered, and I hoped it would help with concerns about the restroom issue.

My boss was the only one uncomfortable with the idea of my transition so I came up with an idea to "work from home" and meet him and the senior management team as myself at a local restaurant one day to help ease concerns. He was ok with that idea and I took it back to the CEO and she thought it was an excellent idea. I think he feared that I would look like a garish drag queen or something 

On the day when I was to meet the senior management team at the restaurant I dressed as nice my wardrobe would allow. 7 members of the senior management team (3 of them owners of the business) showed up, and after some initial awkwardness they warmed up and we had a very nice lunch. I was able to share my story with them and I got their support.

I took a few days off and during that time the company wide meeting happened with the gender therapist. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall at that meeting LOL.... but I did get feedback that it was a great, informative meeting and people were able to met with the therapist one-on-one afterward to get their questions and concerns addressed.

On first day back at work - I got up early, got myself ready, drove to work, and confidently strolled into the building. I had beat everyone into the office so I just left my office door open and waited. As people arrived they would visit me and would offer words of encouragement, and of course there was the peanut gallery that strolled by gawking at me 

In the year since I came out at work there has been no inappropriate water cooler talk that I am aware of, very few misgenderings, no inappropriate questions, and no issues with using the ladies room. I am stale news around the water cooler at this point and life goes on. I am accepted as a female and I have even experienced some misogony at work which tells me i've arrived at my destination.

My coming out experience at work could not have gone any better.

Good luck on your own coming out at work

It is all done. Today was my first day at work as myself. Thus, my full time started in evening October 16th, 2015.

Feeling only happiness. And stress reduction.

Here is how it went.

First worth saying, in my case, I was already living my life outside the company. I started un/dressing at hiding spots in the company building so that I can build relationships with people... from my neighborhood and my tram-buddies, to merchants that I visit. They know me as often unpassable transwoman, and that is preferred to knowing me as a man. I could not wear make up, because it would look funny on me on work so beard shadow was visible all the time.

All that drove me to the state where I could not bear anymore to switch between two lives. I wanted one life and it was the woman's one.

The timeline, as I recollect it:
2015-09-16: contacted HR representatives
2015-09-17: spoke with the HR representatives, contacted the higher management
2015-09-27: spoke with my direct manager in person; nobody else present
2015-10-12: spoke with my closest co-workers (outside my team) at work
2015-10-13: first formal talk with the high management representative
2015-10-15: second formal talk with the high management representative
2015-10-16: meeting with my team
2015-10-16: meeting with some additional people from my environment
2015-10-19: day 1; started with writing an email to everyone

In my case there was no coming out letter. There is sufficient awareness and big enough LGBT community so that we could just do things through talk. But for every my meeting I had ready a collection of my images so people can see them as I say that I am al

I attempted to work with the HR about possible issues, such as appearance ("passing") etc. I was amazed they told me I can grow a beard (aka Conchita Wurst) if I like, so beard shadow would not be a concern if I choose not to conceal it. "It is my decision."; "If somebody doesn't like it, it is their problem".

Well, I was ready to bitch about having to use make up every day, but am happily applying a minimal amount now! Until the beard shadow is gone.

Before, I had to book holidays in order to be full time for longer than two and half days. Now I can be myself full time. I cancelled a whole lot of holidays.

I bought a lot of personal peace. Now the HRT is next stop.

Yay! I'm so happy for you! Go forth and prosper!

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That's wonderful Martine, - congratulations!   

It is true that people start treating you differently.

I get door held for me, I get men getting all confused, I get them catching moment to have look at me, even with a some mild happy smile. But isn't that expected?

One thing unexpected came from a few women. The strongest case, one was quite happy to give me a wink or a smile. Since my coming out, she won't even look in my direction.

On the other hand, another young woman complimented my looks.

You lose, you win. And it is not like you have a choice.

You just win.

Lose is neutral. One can lose weight. Or things for good.

Yea, you lose the narrowminded, the stupid

The first week went smooth. Practically no noise. I was also interviewing people for jobs. My guess is it won't get noisier. I welcome the silence and being left alone to do my thing.

Yay! Hoping my first week goes similarly. [emoji14] I'd welcome some congratulations, but hope I don't get any static.

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