Hi chuufk, thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me to receive all this great support. The hardest part about this whole thing for me is putting my wife through this. She didn't ask for any of this and certainly didn't sign up for it. However, she is sticking around and tells me she isn't going anywhere. She loves me for who I am. She truly is a hero to me. That is so amazing and wonderful, but in some ways it makes it more difficult. I feel like the bad guy being the cause of cheating my wife out of the man she married. It seems that when we got married, I definitely got the "for better" part and she got stuck with the "or worse" part.

Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled that my wife is accepting me, however I do feel guilty for changing her world in such a way.

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on September 27, 2015, 11:19:36 AM
Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled that my wife is accepting me, however I do feel guilty for changing her world in such a way.

Jayne

It has taken years for me loose much of the shame and a good part of the guilt about being trans. It's been a struggle. My therapist can certainly attest to that. We do differ a bit in opinion when it comes to my wife. She is the MAJOR reason for what guilt I do have for just the reasons you voiced. This guilt is justifiable in my eyes. She certainly did not sign up for this ride. In fact she exacted assurances time and time again that yes, my transitioning experiments are long behind me. Yes, I am just a cross-dresser, who had a dream once.

My wife is far from thrilled about a transition in my future. Yet, she has seen some pretty remarkable changes in me these past six years as I learn what it is actually like to be a for real person. A person with a rainbow of emotions and not just fear and anger. A person who can find joy in the world around her. A person she is glad to have in her life. A far better person then one I was growing into. One that she was growing to hate as I shut out the world around me as a way of killing emotions, killing any sense or hope for joy, in my vain attempt to keep Joanne locked away in the dungeon I put her into some 30 years ago

Quote from: Jayne01 on September 27, 2015, 11:19:36 AM
Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled that my wife is accepting me, however I do feel guilty for changing her world in such a way.

I think that what you are feeling is quite normal. I have heard others say the same and I know I also feel the same way about my wife.

We have just ensured that we have a tremendous amount of fun together. In a way we have become best friends (we always were, but even more so) and we now do a lot of things together that previously we would not have done. We still have time apart from each other and our own friends too like any couple would do, but we have found a new way to share our lives and so far it is working just fine.

Hi Joanne and chuufk,

I'm glad you have both found ways to work through things with your wives. It's encouraging to see people face such challenges and find ways to stay together. I believe if there is true love in a relationship, you just want to be with this person no matter what, because to not be with them is simply not an option. I am fortunate to have that kind of relationship with my wife. We will also find a way to make this work. It doesn't make it any easier or make me feel less guilty, but it is very rewarding knowing we will get through this together.

Jayne

Hi to All:

I want to acknowledge all of you that are struggling to make a transition AND keep your relationship together.  That is a tall order and so many, like me, were unable to do so . . . and in looking back I often wonder if I wasn't too strident about my needs, though my circumstances were emotionally quite severe and the marriage had been in stress for 2+ decades.  I'll never know.

However, in the past few years I see more success stories and that heartens me.  I admire you and your loved one's efforts and cheer for you where I failed.  I'm over the guilt of this, and what's left are some lovely memories when my ex made things easier though not necessarily better in my view at the time.  Now I see she was transitioning too and wish I had been more accommodating - maybe seeking a more relaxed timeline or a less hard position that my condition was real and would be dealt with come H___ or Hi Water.  As a result and not surprisingly, we had a lot of both, and still managed to separate and divorce without an excessive amount of hysteronics. 

I love her still but love wasn't enough.  I was her MAN and she wasn't a LESBIAN . . . we could never bridge that gap.

Peace to you my sisters - you are much admired by me, however things turn out.

Love and peace to us all,

Rachel

Hi all,

My wife and I both went to the therapist together yesterday. I don't really want to share the details other than to say it went very well. My wife never ceases to amaze me at how much of a wonderful person she is. She wants to stay by my side and work through this together and constantly reminds me that she fell in love with the person inside me. I don't know if transitioning is the right answer for me, or more precisely a full transition with surgery and the works. It has been a HUGE step for me just to call myself transgender.

I really would like to thank everyone on here once again for all your support. It really does help. Hopefully, I can find what I need to do to bring some peace and calm to my mind. I know there are many options from doing nothing right up to HRT and all the surgeries. I suppose I could start at one end and stop when I find what is the right fit for me.

For those of you who have transitioned. How did you know how much of a transition you needed to do? Did you just kind of experiment until it felt right, or did you just know right from the start what you needed to do?

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on September 29, 2015, 04:29:50 PM
My wife and I both went to the therapist together yesterday. I don't really want to share the details other than to say it went very well.

That sounds good. Congrats to you both

Quote from: Jayne01 on September 29, 2015, 04:29:50 PMI don't know if transitioning is the right answer for me, or more precisely a full transition with surgery and the works. It has been a HUGE step for me just to call myself transgender.

...

For those of you who have transitioned. How did you know how much of a transition you needed to do? Did you just kind of experiment until it felt right, or did you just know right from the start what you needed to do?

If you asked me five years ago I would have told you that HRT was enough and no surgery. I am now two months post-op. You cannot predict how it will go or how you will feel. Just take it one step at a time. The steps immediately in front of you are fairly obvious so tackle them and then once they are done, wait for a bit and see how you feel. The rest of the process will sort itself out as you discover your comfort zones and you and your wife travel the path together. Be wary of letting her dictate your goals because dysphoria is often a desperate need that cannot be denied or rationalised, but do try and manage the pace of change so that you both have time to adapt.

Thanks chuufk, I do plan on taking it slowly and at a pace that is right for both my wife and I. I'm still very confused. I have very mixed feelings about myself. Sometimes I'm thinking yes, I am transgender and I do need some kind of transition to find an inner peace. Then other times I think no, this is a phase and now it has gone away.

I think deep down I know what I need, but I am scared s_!tless about the path I'm trying to put myself on to get there.

Jayne

Jayne,

I am so happy to hear things went very well for you and your wife
at the therapist. I only two months ago confessed to my wife about who
I truly am in this world. I was certain that it would be a disaster but
she has been amazing. We have not gone to a counseling session together
but I am hopeful this might happen at some point. I am still kind of mess
mentally every day but coming out to family has definitely helped.
I to, am not sure what I want to do .. how far I want to go .. trying to figure
it out. It does seem like a incredibly slippery slope. Hope your days get
easier.

All the best,
Kath

Jayne:  I found my original assumptions/desires morphed over time - eventually I went with SRS (3+ yrs into transitioning).  I've observed that seems very common - your goals shifting, not necessarily SRS.

Take care,

Rachel

I've been hovering on the edge of this thread. I want to thank everyone for their honesty. I'm trying hard to find my own road with this issue. I'm not much of a poster but this whole discussion has been very helpful. Jayne, thank you for being so honest. I wish you all the best. We all deserve a shot at living our own true lives.


Dori.

Hi Kath, thanks. I'm happy to hear that it's going well with your wife. I know for me, I would be in an impossible place had my wife not been so wonderful and accepting. I'm certain I would be well on my way down a very dark path had she not been accepting. There was never really any doubt that she would accept me. It is a slippery slope, like you said, but slowly I'm gaining traction and moving forward. All you wonderful people on this forum have also helped me a great deal. Simply the knowledge that I am not alone has helped immeasurably.

The counselling session we had together was not a proper couples therapy. I just asked my wife to come along to one of my therapy sessions. It was kind of my way of making sure I keep my wife up to speed with my progress. I don't want to move forward and leave her behind. We might also start a couples therapy with someone who specialises in couples where one person is trans. My therapist has someone she can recommend.

I haven't come out to anybody other than my wife and therapist (also on this forum, but you only know me as Jayne, so it's a little different). I keep telling myself I don't know what I want to do or how far I want to go. I'm not sure that is entirely true. I think deep down I know exactly what I want, but when it comes to voicing out loud, fear and doubt creep into the mix and cause the confusion.

Once I get things straightened out in my head a little more I would like to come out to my brother and sister. It's important to me that they know, but first I need to get better at my own self acceptance.

Jayne

Hi Rachel and dori.

Rachel, I haven't ruled out anything as far as transitioning goes. I think it is important to take it slowly. I don't want to jump into the deep end, so to speak, especially when I'm not entirely certain how far I need to go. My wife has been amazingly accepting, even more than I am of myself. But whatever I do also affects her. I am willing to go only as far as necessary so that we are both at a point where we are happy. That may mean SRS, it may mean crossdressing 1 day a week and painting my nails. Whatever the end result, I'm sure with my wife by my side it will be awesome!

Dori, thank you for your comments. I'm glad you are finding this discussion helpful. I too don't post too much. Most of my posts seem to be me venting my frustrations. I spent a lot of time just reading other people's posts and usually don't feel like I can contribute anything. That's ok. Sometimes it just helps to read other people's stories, and if there is something you can personally relate to, it is comforting to know you are not the only one who feels that way. I occasionally reply to someone else's post, but right now I feel like I'm in a position where I need to accept help rather than offer it. I hope soon that I can give back something to help others.

Jayne

I'm not sure where this is all going for me either, but I do need to talk with my wife. I have discussed with my therapist the idea of going to a couples therapist and tell my wife in that context so that she has some support when she hears the news. Has anyone approached it this way? I'm worried she will freak out just hearing I want us to go to one.


Dori.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to redirect this discussion. Both for Jayne's sake and for mine. I'm getting a lot from this thread and don't want things misdirected. If anyone has any thought on coming out in couples therapy, l set up a new thread. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,196816.0.html if anyone has any thoughts, please reply there.
Please let's get back to the topic at hand and sorry for the distraction.


Dori.

No problem dori. No distraction. I hope you find a way to tell your wife and that it goes well for you. I'm sorry I can't offer you any real advice on how best to tell her as I don't know your wife. You know her best, so all I can really say is go with what your gut feeling tells you. That's what I did, because no matter how much I analysed it, I could not find any easy way to give my wife the news. Happily, it is going well for me and my wife is very understanding and supportive. I wish you all the best.

Jayne

Thank you. That really means a lot. I need to tell her soon.


Dori.

Hi all,

Here is another update on the looney-go-round (technical term  ) spinning in my head.

For those of you who have been reading my posts, you have probably realised I am struggling to come to grips with my "transness" (another technical term). I feel like my body should be physically female, but everything else is ok. I like my interests and my job which are typically male orientated. I don't particularly feel like dressing up in heels and makeup and be all "girly".  I guess you could say I would identify as a tomboy.

My major source of confusion is that my feelings of having the wrong body are strongest when I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning, but as my day progresses and I get busy doing things, the feelings tend to fade away. They don't disappear entirely, they just kind of linger in the background without being too much of a nuisance.

The feelings are quite strong at night and mornings and generally if I'm alone with my thoughts for any length of time. I kind of feel happy when I start accepting myself for who I am. The acceptance is kind of a roller coaster at the moment. I am moving towards properly accepting myself, albeit rather slowly.

Don't really have a question here other than does self acceptance usually come with a kind of roller coaster effect of accepting then not accepting?

Jayne

(Note: TW Suicidal thoughts)

Jayne, I had a similar experience. It's never really left me but I wrote it off as an impossibility and moved on. I ate myself nearly to death. I dealt with my body dysphoria by trying to destroy my body. I'd go back and forth with, "But I like sports, I can't be trans," to "god, I'd wear a skirt everyday if I could." So I get the yo yo feelings. For me, if I'm being honest, I've already begun transitioning. It started when I broke my nail biting habit, then continued when I taught myself to live a healthy eating lifestyle with exercise. As the pounds dropped, I could see myself as a woman more and more easily.

There was a day back in late July, I had lost about 60 lbs and I was in a super dark place. I was healthier than I'd been in a long time but still depression clung to me. Up until this point, I considered myself a crossdresser. I was aware of this girl inside me who demanded to be called Katelyn. So I was sitting in my running car and all of a sudden this thought hit me. Staring ahead at my open garage, it would be so easy. Just pull up and close the garage door behind me and this terrible feeling would be over forever. I shifted into drive but then something stopped me. It was her, it was Katelyn. "You're transgender you idiot!" She said to me.

All of a sudden the air felt fresher and the colors were more vivid around me. I had a vague sensation of the world spinning, like I was completely drunk, but this only lasted for a minute. All of a sudden my burden was lifted and my life had purpose. Katelyn wasn't just some figure that resided in my head. I am Katelyn. She's gorgeous and funny and loves boys. Katelyn needed to be given the chance to live, I needed to live.

The point of my sharing that story is to say that self realization and self acceptance are not things that can be forced. However, when you experience them, it is a magical experience. I've since moved on to other hsrdships, but struggling with whether or not I'm trans is not one of them.

Hi Katelyn, thanks for sharing that. I'm sorry you had to go through that rough time. I'm glad you didn't go through with any drastic actions with that garage door.

I was just talking with one of the guys at work about 30 minutes ago. He told me that a relative had just passed away after a 2 year battle with cancer. I didn't know this person, but it was sad to hear, and she was only 36. Hearing the story also kind of stirred something up inside my head. Life is so short and precious and can be cut even shorter by illness or accident. So I tell myself that I'm not sick and have not been in an accident, but there is always a chance that misfortune can strike at any time. So I should enjoy life the best I can, and just be happy the way I am. I'm transgender, that shouldn't mean that now that I know I'm transgender my life is over.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm trying to say here. The words made more sense in my head than after I typed them out. I'm generally in a pretty happy mood today. Partly because it is a gorgeous day outside, but also partly because I am more accepting of myself each day.

So far I have only been to a few therapy sessions, but I am quickly learning that the therapist is not telling me anything I didn't really already know. She is just helping me think more clearly so that I can actually recognise what I'm feeling & thinking.

That was some more random thoughts brought to you by Jayne!