For those that haven't read my introduction just leaving my house to go shopping locally is a real nightmare for me due to my OCD and agoraphobia that I have had since early 2002. Since getting therapy for this in spring 2014, it has gotten better to the point where I am able to leave my house 2 or 3 times a week, which is way better than once in 18 months before. I go out in "boy" mode and if I ever get the courage to put a picture in my profile, you'll see why.
I would say I dress sort of neutral in polo shirts, baggy jogging bottoms and trainers...I mean sneakers for you all over the other side of the pond. Whenever I would go out I would always put my hands in my pockets, hunch my shoulders, look at thew floor and try to swaggering as "manly" (yuck) as possible with a large stride. I observed something last week but didn't pick up on until I went out earlier today. I started to walk differently. My strides were shorter, my knees a bit more close together, I was looking up to see where I was going and a slight swing of my arms. When I was in the convenience store looking at the shelves, my left leg has a slight bend to it and my foot turned inwards slightly. Now I usually stand like a gun fighter about to draw in those western movies.
I am very self conscious when I go out and although I knew what was going on, I did not try to "correct" it. Ever since I was young and can remember wanting to be a girl, I have run away from it. I am still running, just not as fast. It's like every so often I get a nudge in the ribs that says "hey you, you can't keep running forever. I am here and won't go away."
There isn't a point to this post other than I just needed to share. Thanks for reading.
