Oh my gosh, being reminded of my own mortality is easily the biggest trigger for me. I made a first attempt at coming out at age 18, not long after a close childhood friend of mine passed away in a car accident. After years of only passing thoughts of it, I dove seriously into crossdressing at age 30. You could say my 30th birthday made me reevaluate the direction of my life. I had a health assessment done last December that said I was at very serious risk for a sudden death health event. I responded in 2 ways, one a complete dietary makeover and 2, a complete set of new female clothes, wig and make up. I used to have a phobia of death, but now I have a phobia of never becoming my to authentic self.

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 02, 2015, 09:33:04 PM
I used to have a phobia of death, but now I have a phobia of never becoming my to authentic self.

Nicely put Katelyn,
Paige

Katelyn, I also have the fear of not being the true me, but I didn't even realise it until you said it.

It's strange how sometimes you know or feel something but it just kind of lingers in the back of your mind until someone else puts it into words, then you have this eureka moment where it kind of suddenly becomes clear.

Thank you for that eureka moment Katelyn.

Jayne

Dear Katelyn and Jayne: 

May you both become who you truly are and revel long in your glory.

xxooxxoo,

Rachel

Hugs ladies, glad I could help.

Oh nuts!!! Yesterday I was in a really good mood and my head was in a place where I thought that I had accepted myself. Today, however, not so much.  Is this roller coaster ride of acceptance/denial normal until you reach a place of permanently accepting yourself?

It is truly driving me bonkers! I feel like I need to find the right label to give myself before I can truly accept. Sounds silly, because I have never been big on labels, but I tried to come up with a label anyway. The best I could come up with was "trans-lesbian tomboy". I hope that doesn't offend anybody. I'm simply trying to find a term that would describe me in the hope that it will make it easier to accept myself for who I am. It didn't really help, well maybe it helped just S little bit.

The one thing I am noticing is that since coming out to my wife and therapist and joining this forum, I seem to have a much deeper desire to transition, at least to some degree.

Thanks again for reading and your support.

Jayne

PS: Thanks for your kind wishes Rachel.

Maybe transfeminine?

I'm not sure? I don't think I would consider myself feminine. But maybe my idea of feminine is different.

Jayne

I tend to like labels. Just as with most words they are intended to convey a specific meaning or action, etc.. After six years on this roller-coaster, several of them living part as female, having achieved my life-long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman, I still have no clear idea at all what "Label" to apply to myself.

In just about every way I am no longer floundering as I was. After much hard work and many discoveries, after finally accepting, even embracing, that I am trans, after finally finding some level of peace living in my own skin, I have finally achieved some sense of balance between my female and male aspects. There are periods where I feel I am on a teeter-totter, tilting much more to one side or another. Or just so sick to my stomach I just want OFF.

About the only label that seems to work for me, and has for most of my life is "Odd Ball"

I hope you will forgive a contribution from a very old timer. Back when I first transitioned (1965) I was too young to question what label I would own, and indeed I don't even think trans had really happened as a concept back then.

By the time I was ready for proper medically assisted metamorphosis in the mid 80's the process was routinely referred to as sex change, a term I still quite like because of course my "gender" did not alter, but my physical sex was changed to better reflect it. Again I don't think I even considered labels, beyond the fact that I would been horrified to be called trans, because I just didnt see myself through that lens.

In retrospect I accept that I have a trans past, and I trod the road of physical transition. So to that extent the label can be applied, but I am firm in assertion that it does not define my present reality.

So what am I, what did I become? I spent years torturing myself trying to figure that out and failing, because the essence of any of these labels is that they are never accurate. The label is not that which it defines, nor must the label ever be allowed to limit reality, which will always be more nuanced and complex.

So what indeed am I? The only way I can answer that after over 30 years postop, and many more than that living in my preferred role, is that I am ME!

So simple - yet its the only thing which fits. You can call me trans, intersex, non binary, binary, feminine, masculine, male, female, fluid, femme, butch, lesbian, gay, bi, straight, tomboy and all of these labels, every single darned one, looked at from one angle, contain some measure of truth. I am all of these things and more, and yet I am also none of them exactly. The only thing I am precisely is MYSELF! I believe that is true of all of us. You are simply becoming yourself.

I hope that may be of some help.

Sorry Jayne, trying to help. I'm basically a girly girl at heart so I'm doing my best.  lol

Hi Joanne and Rejennyrated,

I tend to agree with Rejennyrated that labels would not be able to describe anyone 100% accurately. Having said that, I seem to have a need for some kind of label otherwise I don't feel like I belong anywhere which ends up getting me depressed. Joanne, I do like Odd Ball. It fits my wacky sense of humour. I also like your signature which I think I mentioned before. You have taken the old rock and hard place and added a pile driver. That always puts a smile on my face and I have a little chuckle when I see it. I hope you intended it to have some humour as well as truth when you came up with it, otherwise I fear I may have offended you. No offence intended.

I'll have to think about coming up with a unique label for myself. Maybe an acronym. Not for any real good reason other than for a bit of fun. Maybe it will help me a little to accept myself.

Jayne

No need to apologise Katelyn. We are all our unique selves. Each wonderful in our own way.

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on October 04, 2015, 01:50:36 AM
The one thing I am noticing is that since coming out to my wife and therapist and joining this forum, I seem to have a much deeper desire to transition, at least to some degree.

Hi Jayne,

I often wonder this too.  I was able to tell myself for years that it would never work.  But since becoming active on Susans, even though I'm 53 and have quite a bit of hair loss, it seems really possible for me to transition.   Perhaps because it's closer than ever my desire to transition has increased dramatically.  And it was pretty bad before.

Take care,
Paige

Hi Paige,

After seeing the before and after thread, I was amazed at some of the amazing transitions. And it seems possible at any age. I used to think that unless you transition early, like in your teens, then there is no chance. I was wrong. I get a little sad and angry at myself when I think about it and not facing this at a younger age. In some ways it makes me feel like I have wasted my life not doing anything about it, but then I probably would not have met my wife and had, and still have, such a wonderful life together. It hurts my head thinking about it, so I try not to think about it too much.

Jayne

   Hi Jayne,  first of all I want to give you a big hug
I just finished reading this entire thread and can relate to just about everything you have gone and are still going through. I too am lucky enough to have a wife that loves me unconditionally and is supporting me as I travel down this road. I only came out to myself about 8 months ago and told my wife soon after. For me this was very liberating but with this realization that I am transgender came; what the hell do I do now! I went through acceptance and denial just like you, it would drive me crazy at times!
What has seemed to work for me, in that I seem to finally be at a place that I am comfortable with myself and no longer fearful every day of what the future may hold. I decided early on that I would try and take baby steps towards acceptance and a transition towards an unknown outcome. The latter is a very scary thing to consider when there are so many variables involved; how will my transition not only affect me and my wife's future, but how would it affect the rest of my family ( I have two grown children just starting their own families).
Jayne, it was not easy to get to this point of where I am now, not to say I still don't suffer from dysphoria at times.
But just being able to take it little step by little step, I think I have a chance at a good outcome. So I guess what I am trying to say is, it will get easier as you take steps like you are doing; seeing a therapist and sharing here on Susan's and being open and honest with your wife. It takes time, don't beat yourself up for not being able to figure it all out right now. It will get better, be patient and trust yourself, what ever path your life takes, I wish you contentment.

     Hugs, Stanna

Hi Stanna,

Thank you very much for your support and encouragement. It helps a lot. The common message I'm getting is to not rush things and good communication with your partner. I'm trying to do both and so far seems to be working. The not rushing part can be hard. It kind of lets doubts creep in and confuse the issue. This is not something you want to rush into though. I need to make certain I'm doing the right thing.

Jayne

I am so close to just giving up. This constant struggle in my head of whether I'm transgender or not is driving me nuts. And if I am transgender, I don't want to be. It is not something I have asked for. It is causing me so much stress and in turn causing a lot of stress for my wife. That, I cannot accept! What right do I have to cause hurt and pain to my wife? Why can I not just get this dysphoria crap under control and just get on with life!

I want to bury Jayne so deep in the bottom of my mind that she never surfaces again. EVER!!!!

I feel like I'm too weak in the mind to accept myself for who I am and I'm also too weak to just dismiss Jayne and be just a normal man. If I just accept myself as being transgender, I feel like I'm giving up too easy without a fight. I need to fight this, right?

Is it normal to struggle so much with acceptance?

Jayne

I do not know of anyone who wanted to be trans. I do know of plenty of people who tried to bury the inner woman and for all of them,  they lost and she won.

This is completely normal for "trans".

You ask if you should be fighting it.

I figured out I was trans when I was about 11.  But because of lack of knowledge, shame, parental condemnation, etc. I figured I would just fight it and it would go away. 

Fast forward 33 years to when I was about 44 and I was rehearsing with my pistol for the final solution.

Fighting it won't work.  At best you will just become a shell and wander from day to day waiting for the end of it all.

So there is that option or there is the option just to accept that it is what it is.  Then figure out how far you have to go to regain the joy of life.


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