So I had my first session with a gender therapist this past week, and since then I've been having these periodic anxiety spells. At first I didn't understand it. Now it's mostly annoying because I have to try to figure out what's triggering it. In one case it was triggered by worrying that I might have an anxiety episode. Anyway I was all ready to write a post asking if this is normal, but I won't because:
a) I'm sure it is
b) This could be a useful probe into my subconscious. One of my big issues with accepting that I'm trans* has been learning how to trust myself again, and these episodes could be a useful probe into my subconscious. I'm going to try to keep track f when these happen and what is triggering it (if I can figure it out) Hopefully this will give me more information about what I truly want.

Has anyone else tried anything like this?

I was extremely anxious when: I did my intake, did a phone interview with my first therapist (she was interviewing me prior to accepting me as a client), when I went to my 1st therapy session, going on HRT, coming out to my wife, coming out to my Operations Manager, HR and boss, presenting at the PTHC, going the 12th street gym and meeting with the owner ( I e-mailed I am trans, later to find out trans are on the staff), expressing in public and a lot of other things.

The thing is each step becomes a little easier. Perhaps I started to develop confidence or perhaps my true self was stunted. The anxiety for me perhaps were growing pains.

Thank you Cynthia,  When I came out to myself a little over a month ago and started on Susan's I read through your long narrative post. I admire you greatly, and feel a little ashamed sometimes about feeling bad about what's happening to me when others have had to deal with far more. I only hope that I can find within me the kind of strength you have shown.

E

Alright so here are some of my initial findings by playing around with my own anxiety response.
Firstly I confirmed a lot of things I already knew, that surgeries/HRT make me nervous, that I'm worried about coming out to my family, and that I'm worried I won't like being treated as a woman/ will want to go back.

One new thing I learned was that the idea that transitioning would make me not as attractive to/ not a sexual target for women seems to really bother me.

Finally I was feeling this weird, almost anxiety but not quite feeling off and on, I tried really hard to figure it out, then I realized it was probably just my general dysphoria. I'm pretty sure it is, it seemed to get worse when I did things like using a urinal (I've been mostly sitting since coming out to myself) or looking at myself in the mirror.

Now that I recognize it it kind of explains a lot of things, I often have the same feeling when I go to work in the morning but not when I come home. I had attributed that to simple stress, but now I realize that most mornings I bring a thermos of coffee with me and just sort of look around the train, while on the way back I read a book or look at my phone. I believe the women on the train around me are triggering it in the morning but since I can't see them on the way back they aren't. On days when I don't bring coffee I usually am not as anxious. I'll have to test this tomorrow.

I have really bad anxiety spells too, I'm sort of glad that i'm not the only one here with "the feeling".

That's one of the nice things about Susan's. Just when you think you're the only person in the world feeling something, you find out just how common it is.

Also the train ride thing totally worked. Also apparently it really bothers me that I will never be able to get pregnant. I wasn't even conscious of that before I figured out "the anxiety code."