Today has been one of my biggest mood swing days yet and I'm not even on hormones yet...
So as I mentioned in a post a while ago, I bought makeup by myself (just some foundation and concealer) in secret. As an experiment, I decided to wear it in public and I felt so confident! It was an amazing feeling and I was so happy. I thought my face looked really nice and natural. No one else pointed anything different about me either but one random lady who I bumped into didn't believe I was 18 when I corrected her for thinking I was a middle schooler and said "either you're lying or you look great for 18."
Anyways, so earlier today I had the makeup on like I have been for a week but this time my sister was home and she was just talking with my mom in the kitchen. After a few glances my sister asked if I was wearing makeup, and I decided to tell the truth and say I did. Immediately my mom was in shock and threw a huge fit saying "WHY ARE YOU WEARING MAKEUP, MEN DON'T WEAR MAKE UP, YOU ARE NOT A GIRL, ITS BAD ENOUGH YOU'RE GROWING OUT YOUR HAIR BUT NOW THIS?!" She was outraged. I told her that just a little foundation and concealer made me feel and look great and I wanted to try something new. Instead of listen to me she shut me down and disowned me, telling me that I am worthless and no help whatsoever and that I'm nothing but stress to her. Its bad enough I'm already incredibly pressured to excel in college and with my running, but I guess I'll never be good enough in her eyes. She also threatened to kick me out of the house for "acting weird" again... Thank goodness I didn't break down and tell her I was trans then otherwise I'd be a complete wreck.
However, after the huge scene my mom made, I went downstairs and removed the makeup off. I decided to take my mind off her and study for my math class. Eventually my sister came down the stairs saying that my mom was just stressed already and we agreed about how incredibly narrow minded and conservative she is. My sister said "She thinks you're gay," and I was intrigued by her statement. I immediately said I was not gay, but I felt like there was never going to be an opportunity in which the conversation was about LGBT related things, so I just said "I'm not gay, I'm transgender. Don't tell mom or I will kill you." She just had a blank face and said okay. I know my sister is more open minded and accepting, so I just hope she doesn't tell anyone else or I'm doomed. It felt good to finally just say it out loud without being ashamed.
However, once I left home to go to my math class, I had an emotional breakdown in the car. I realized that I just told my sister my biggest secret and all of these emotions mixed with fear of being judged by her and all of my other family kicked in. Just the whole way my mom acted when she realized I was wearing makeup and the fact I came out to my sister was overwhelming and I could barely breathe why crying. I had to spend half an hour in the car trying to calm down so my eyes weren't so red when I went class.
Nevertheless, I cannot wait to tell my therapist all this and for my appointment at Planned Parenthood for hormones this week! Its been crazy, but I am hanging on and trying to pull myself together one step at a time.
