I hope it's ok for me to post here, and it's in the right category.

Recently a girl I've been dating for 3 weeks came out to me as transgender mtf. I met her in an art store. It's unlike me to approach woman randomly but we were both looking at the same things and kind of kept getting in eachothers ways. She was really cute about it. Talked like a woman, moved like a woman, kisses like a woman, really cute face. I got her number and we talked off and on for 2 weeks. The last 3 days we started getting more personal and I think she could tell I was starting to fall for her. I was wondering why she was being so wierd about sex, but I want a solid relationship over sex so I had no issue with waiting.

She told me over the phone she use to be a man, has had no operation but is on hormone's. I got pretty upset, I felt deceived. Deep down I know she's a woman, I really like her but it sent my head into a tailspin >.<. I said this isn't fair to me, I told her I didn't know how to feel about this right now and told I had to go and think about all this.

It's been a day now and I did a lot of research on what it means to be teansgender, a lot of the sites linked back to here. I guess I just need a personal opionon on all this rather than text on a webpage.

Was she wrong for waiting so long? I'm not sure what to do, I really like her even after all this. What if we go to have sex and I can't get over this? That wouldn't be fair to her either..agh..

If I offended anyone, I really want to know why so I can educate myself, I want to know what she's going through but I don't want to offend her. I need to call her today and handle this, I don't want to break her heart.

The thing is she told you within a pretty short time. She is what you see. You were attracted to her for her looks and personality. She didn't deceive you. Did you ask her if she was trans. I'm guessing you met someone and wanted to get to know them and you did.

I've been on the same step she is. If she waited so long, it's because she needed to know a little bit more about you before telling you. She probably have strong feeling for you and she took a chance to tell you no matter could happen.

You know, people often react badly to transexualism. You can't start a conversation by saying you're transgender else none would even try to know you better and if you tell them later they kinda run away. If she pass and live as a women with success she needed to trust you to tell you and she probably felt like you deserved to know as you look interested in her.

If you feel her like a women and both of you wish to build a relationship, what is the matter?

You developped some feeling for the person itself right? There is no general behavior or anything for trans peoples as there is none for men and women in general. If you are attracted by her right now, why don't you try to go deeper and try to know her better?

The only rule you should follow is not to ask anything about her "past", cause it's usualy a depressive period of our lives.

Well, I've been searching for a meaningful relationship for so long now. I usually meet woman through friends and acquaintances. Most girls I meet I eventually run into strict opinions and closed mindedness. A lack of caring to learn anything from different perspectives. Stuck in their own way no matter what. I love when people challenge my opinions, I love when people are willing to hear out other opinions and weigh them against their own and come to new conclusions.

She is like this, this is what really made me start thinking about her a lot more.. I will express this to her when I call her tonight .

As for her past, mine isn't the best either. I think most of the general population has past issues, some worse than others. I can't imagine going through it feeling so alone though, I'll stay clear of the past for now.

I guess ultimately I am being selfish, I wonder how my friends and family would view this relationship. I want to be happy though, I am going to follow my heart and make this work. I can't let others dictate my own happiness.

When it comes to sex, is it ok to ask her what she perfers to do? Where I can touch her?

Hi Quantum,

I am glad you decided to give it a chance. I couldn't be more happier for you both.
She is a woman and that's all that matters.

Thanks,

April

Quote from: QuantumMultiverse on October 06, 2015, 12:20:27 PM
Well, I've been searching for a meaningful relationship for so long now. I usually meet woman through friends and acquaintances. Most girls I meet I eventually run into strict opinions and closed mindedness. A lack of caring to learn anything from different perspectives. Stuck in their own way no matter what. I love when people challenge my opinions, I love when people are willing to hear out other opinions and weigh them against their own and come to new conclusions.

She is like this, this is what really made me start thinking about her a lot more.. I will express this to her when I call her tonight .

As for her past, mine isn't the best either. I think most of the general population has past issues, some worse than others. I can't imagine going through it feeling so alone though, I'll stay clear of the past for now.

I guess ultimately I am being selfish, I wonder how my friends and family would view this relationship. I want to be happy though, I am going to follow my heart and make this work. I can't let others dictate my own happiness.

When it comes to sex, is it ok to ask her what she perfers to do? Where I can touch her?

It's just like any relationship let it grow and see where it goes.

Quote from: QuantumMultiverse on October 06, 2015, 12:20:27 PM
...
She is like this, this is what really made me start thinking about her a lot more.. I will express this to her when I call her tonight .

As for her past, mine isn't the best either. I think most of the general population has past issues, some worse than others. I can't imagine going through it feeling so alone though, I'll stay clear of the past for now.

I guess ultimately I am being selfish, I wonder how my friends and family would view this relationship. I want to be happy though, I am going to follow my heart and make this work. I can't let others dictate my own happiness.

When it comes to sex, is it ok to ask her what she perfers to do? Where I can touch her?

Let me say that I think it is great that you are trying to understand!

What I wonder is, how your girlfriend's medical history is anyone else's business?
She is a woman with a medical history that prevents her from bearing children and that is all.

I mean you said it yourself that she is like a woman in every way except that extra bit which I guess is rarely visible with clothes on.

As with every relationship communication is the key, agree on the boundaries of what she feels comfortable to discuss and talk about those things. Everybody is different, what upsets one trans* girl might not upset another at all.

I must confess when i read your first post, i didnt know if you was worthy of her. I agree she didnt decieve you.  She had to know if the relationship would go anywhere before she said something. Like was said above, she needed to get to know you.  Why tell personal things to people that come and go away. She is obvious interested in you, or she would of ended it.

But after reading your second post i am very happy that you are going to give her a chance. This tells me you are a good person that dont let "others" influence your decisions.  That is a plus for you.  So i think you are a worthy person.

Please treat her delicately, she has been thru alot and deserves to be happy also.

Quote from: stephaniec on October 06, 2015, 12:41:32 PM
It's just like any relationship let it grow and see where it goes.

I agree with Stephaniec

Kudos for you in doing your research. A lot of men would simply dump a trans girl when they find out she is trans.

I also say kudos to her for disclosing so early.

I think its pretty cool you're here asking these questions. Personally I would ask her what is and isn't ok. For me I can't hardly stand what is going on down there. I would want to have someone just be careful to minimize reminding me that I'm still pre-op. Its not going to be completely avoidable I know, but I think going about it carefully. She may not be that way at all. It really depends on the person. We're all different.

Welcome to Susan's Place. I had my surgery in 1982 and while I am not stealth, I am selective who I share my past with. I am comfortable with my past and on the board you are free to ask me anything. People pre surgical and new post surgical tend to be more private and if you would like to know more about her, you might as what she is comfortable sharing. Don't push because many people have very raw nerves from years of dealing with the pain.

If I were to be involved in a relationship, I would reveal my past at the point where I felt the relationship was becoming serious. I would want my partner to have the option of backing out with dignity. For me, even though I am post surgical that would mean before sex. Others don't alway feel this way and there is an argument by some who feel their partner should never know. I feel your friend took the honorable path and told you when she felt comfortable with you. The time when that point is reached will very from person to person but I think she did her best to avoid hurting you.

I think what makes us different and special is that we live two lives. This process tends to make us very interesting and sharing people. As time passes I think you will get to know her better and understand the the things you like abut her are the result of her past.

Feel free to ask me any questions you might have and I will do my best to answer them.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Hi, you sound like a pretty open minded guy, I hope this works out for you and your girl

Quote from: QuantumMultiverse on October 06, 2015, 11:24:51 AM
Was she wrong for waiting so long? I'm not sure what to do, I really like her even after all this. What if we go to have sex and I can't get over this? That wouldn't be fair to her either..agh..

If I offended anyone, I really want to know why so I can educate myself, I want to know what she's going through but I don't want to offend her. I need to call her today and handle this, I don't want to break her heart.

Let me start by saying yes you have come to the right place and from what you have said you clearly like this girl a lot and respect her enough to try and figure out your feelings.

Quote from: QuantumMultiverse on October 06, 2015, 12:20:27 PM
I guess ultimately I am being selfish, I wonder how my friends and family would view this relationship. I want to be happy though, I am going to follow my heart and make this work. I can't let others dictate my own happiness.

When it comes to sex, is it ok to ask her what she perfers to do? Where I can touch her?

You have some very real concerns. The reaction of friends and especially family can test any relationship. Follow her lead when it comes to telling them, let your family and friends get to know her for the woman she is.

As for the sex stuff, if you think about it that's just like any new relationship progressing to that level. You will both need to communicate about what you like and don't like sexually. I have been with several women who didn't like their downstairs areas being seen at all, and only limited touching too.

I hope you and your girl have a great relationship. If either of you need help or advice we are here and will help as best as we can.

Hugs,
Sarah

PS: I'm a little jealous of your girl for finding such a great guy...

I really appreciate everyone's input and help. I've read this thread over a few times. I know a lot of people seemed mad at me for feeling "deceived". I couldn't help what I was feeling at that time but I understand why people were upset.

So.. I just called her, things were kind of not good . She was really upset in a sad way, pretty sure she thought I was not going to call again. I was pretty nervous for the first time since we first dated and I think she picked up on it and it was upsetting her. I told her we can make this work, and she started crying.. that this happened to her before and the guy abandoned her shortly afterwards.

She told me she needed a "short break", she wouldn't even let me tell her why I like her or anything.. she just wanted to get off the phone so badly...

Agh, ->-bleeped-<- this I am driving over there now to comfort her.. she needs to know i'm not going to be her last b/f and a "Break" isn't going to help convince her of that.

Don't rush her. I admire your courage and willingness. You a wonderful person for being willing to accept your girlfriend for the whole woman she is. One thing to remember we tend to be very fragile so she may need a few. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Hi Quantum,

I just wanted to say, you must be a wonderful person to come on this board and ask these questions, good on you.

I wish you all the best and I hope it all works out.

Taylor.

Hi again Q,
I hope by the time you read this nothing bad has happened.

I think you may want to tell your S/O about this thread, send her a link to it if she won't take your call.

I think what you have said here speaks highly of your character and would give her an insight to how you are processing your feelings.

Hugs,
Sarah

*

You did the correct thing asking questions.

This are among the transsexual's dilemma. 

   -  Who do I tell?

   -  When do I tell? 

   -  Why do I tell?

Realise that first introductions don't go,

   - 'Hey, Quantum, my name is Sharon and I'm transsexual.'

Nope.  Hers to you was more like,

   -  'Hey Quantum, my name is Sharon and I think you're cute.  I'd like to mix some oils and paint your portrait.'

Right?

She waited because she wanted to be certain you are open to her personal history.

Many people are averse when they first hear about transsexual yet they know so little.  Thank you for seeking knowledge and coming here to learn.

Allow me to write that though I am 'out' I do not go around wearing an emblem identifying me as such.  My circle of friends know me only since my post-op days and do not know my past because it has never been a point of discussion or reference.  I also consider it none of their business, it is my private medical history, and none of those people are in a sexual relationship with me on that 'need to know' requirement.

I have an active web-site that discusses my change as well as other topics (political blogs, travel highlights, my Lhasa Apso dogs); my life is more than my change.  I referred to it to my friends and others; if they choose not to view it, or view it and choose not to discuss it, then I do not force my past personal life upon them.

M-F transsexuals are every much female and woman - pre-op or post-op.  Hormones kill any and all 'male' in the M-F.

She may be sexually open but not the way you might consider.  Or she may be reluctant.  She will have a female responce; cuddling may be enough for her.  Yes, ask her what she is comfortable doing same as any other female date.

I beg to differ with Liz - conditionally.  Yes, I have many hard moments that I might not want to discuss, then again, I might want to get the perspective from an outsider.  I also have that past that I can't discuss with someone who does not know my past that I can't amend as if I lived those experiences as a girl: 

   -  my years camping and hiking as a Boy Scout,

   -  my past playing regular and advanced Little League and playing on a men's softball league several years,

   - working as a garage mechanic,

and other activities I did in my male predecessor's life.  I would enjoy opening up if the right person came along who was not afraid to know.

Thank you for accepting that you both have baggage.  A friendship works on dealing with each other's past.

You are so accurate to make your own point that she is your relationship, not your parents' or others'.  Make your own decision for yourself, not others in your life.

If she does not answer your calls, then hopefully she will read these posts and know you are worth the effort to try this relationship.

Best wishes to you both.

*

Quote from: QuantumMultiverse on October 06, 2015, 12:20:27 PM
I guess ultimately I am being selfish, I wonder how my friends and family would view this relationship. I want to be happy though, I am going to follow my heart and make this work. I can't let others dictate my own happiness.

When it comes to sex, is it ok to ask her what she perfers to do? Where I can touch her?

Well, to start, I'd like to applaud you for being open-minded about this, and I sincerely hope you two can patch things up.  As others have said, you fall in love with people, not genitalia.

Now, coming from someone who has loved vaginas my entire life, if I was in your shoes, I would be taken aback as well upon discovering this wonderful and beautiful girl didn't have one.  So your reaction (or what you've told us of it) was not an unconventional one.  How your processed it after the bombshell was dropped on you though is commendable.

Moving on.  You shouldn't concern yourself with what other people will think of your relationship.  For all intents and purposes, on the surface you appear to be a happy heterosexual couple, and that's what you both want the world to see I'm sure, so congrats, that's what you've got!  What goes on in the bedroom or what's between someone's legs are nobody else's damn business!  If you have trouble working with the hand you've been dealt though, that's a different issue, and I wish you two the best of luck in exploring this new world together. 

Don't push her, I can't speak for everyone, but I think of it like this.  I don't like being pushed or pressured and I will close off even harder to protect myself from the pain.  Give me a wide-berth and a diplomatic approach to it (sprinkled with love) and I can come to terms with the issues a little easier.    It's kinda like trying to re-domesticate a dog or cat that was abused by it's previous owner.  It can take a while for me to re-warm up to people who have startled me.  I do feel though that she would be happier if you were there with her, just to hold and hug her or sit on the couch with her and rub her feet or something while the two of you process this together.  That's how I would want to proceed anyways.

Good luck and lots of love sent out to both of you!

P.s.  Yes, maybe you could get her to read this thread if she hasn't already. 

Quote from: QuantumMultiverse on October 06, 2015, 08:28:52 PM
Agh, <not allowed> this I am driving over there now to comfort her.. she needs to know i'm not going to be her last b/f and a "Break" isn't going to help convince her of that.

There is a decent chance she is a member here and, if so, I really hope she's reading this thread to understand your actual feelings for her. 

If you haven't left the house yet, you may want to give it a little time but you know her better than us so maybe it's the right call.  I think an important thing is for you to understand why she waited and to let her know that you totally get it.  It is dangerous to just go around telling people you meet.  The fact she told you at all meant that she trusted you enough to feel safe.

Right now, though, she might be pretty scared in addition to a thousand other things running around in her head.  It may be best for you to just let her know that you are safe and that you care for her.  Then maybe just be patient afterwards.