Hi, hello, more navel-gazing threads by me, sorry. I'm looking for some advice.

So. I'm 23 now, been out to myself since about 19. I've toyed with the idea of transition a few times -- last time, I went so far as to get my top surgery letter and book a consult -- but I always back out. There are a quite a few things holding me back:

• I don't have much social distress. I'm mostly friends with girls, and I kind of like pretending I am one. Women are cool. If I could pick, I'd choose to be a girl, inside and out. I just can't shake the body stuff. 


• 9/10ths of my dysphoria is downstairs. Testosterone, top surgery -- that's all icing on the cake. I'm afraid that going on T will give me everything I don't care about without ever giving me what's really keeping me up at night. I know there's phalloplasty, and trust me, I'm seriously thinking about it, but sometimes I feel like, well, why bother...? I'll never get what I really want.


• I have a very hard time asking for things, and asking for people to call me by a new name, new pronouns, etc, is so big. I feel sick at the thought of asking for a ride to the grocery store, let alone all this. I can't do it. Way more scared of facebook announcements than of surgery. Hell, just the thought of changing my name scares the pants off of me. Everyone would know and it would be hard on my parents and god, I'm so embarrassed. Why can't I disappear?


• Lastly, and this is the big one, I'm afraid my career (medicine) won't permit it. I like the androgynous-masculine thing, but I can tell I'm a hair's breadth away from freaking people out. Which is fine in a vacuum, but... I want to be seen as safe. I want to be approachable to patients from all walks of life, not just those whose opinions I agree with. Obviously, this is rooted in both internalised and external transphobia, but the idea that someone might not feel comfortable with me as their doctor because of my gender sends me into paroxysms of distress. More than anything, I want to be the most useful and do the most good. Transition feels intolerably selfish, especially when my dysphoria is currently tolerable itself.

I can live like this. I can. This is honestly fine.

On the other hand, I'm afraid of my dysphoria resurfacing with a vengeance (or my willpower giving out) later in life. Right now, I'm okay, but if I do end up transitioning eventually, I don't want to feel like I wasted time. Plus, the longer I live pre-transition, the more things become attached to my birth name. Do I want to go to the trouble of transitioning as a resident, or even more overwhelming, as an attending? After people already know me? That feels so daunting.

Holding out is only rewarding if I'm able to do it indefinitely.

I feel like I'm rapidly approaching my last chance to live an uncomplicated male life. But also, oh man, I dunno if I'm ready. It's like being marched to a cliff with a gun at my back. I'm not sure what's more petrifying, but clearly, I've got to make a choice.

Maybe I should have put this in the FTM section, but I'd like to hear feedback from people of all genders. I don't know. I feel like a dumb baby, but letting these questions rattle in my head isn't getting me anywhere.

Thanks, and sorry again for being all over the place.

EDIT: I dunno what the heck is happening with my formatting here, hopefully it's fixed now?

Captains, I've heard this dilemma from a number of pre-transition FtMs. The world of men is a lot tougher than the world of women - less compromising and more rigid expectations. My heart goes out to them. The choice between renouncing all shreds of femininity or living as a gender-variant man can make FtM transition especially fraught.

Alas, I do not have much good advice, other than that I know you're not alone because I've heard that story from a lot of guys. I think you're right when you say that holding out is only rewarding if you're able to do it indefinitely, and your fear of a return of dysphoria is a very real one.

That being said, I think fears that time is running out can be overblown. There is always time to change course, and people are amazingly tolerant once they get to know someone. The LGBT community desperately needs LGBT friendly health care workers, so I think living a queer life in the medical field is quite possible. I don't know if this helps, but if it at least gets the gun out of your back, that's a start.

Thank you, Suzi. Your post was such a kindness. I have a lot to work through, but hearing even one person say "you're not crazy and you're not alone" helps more than you know.

Quote from: captains on October 07, 2015, 11:22:51 AM

• I don't have much social distress. I'm mostly friends with girls, and I kind of like pretending I am one. Women are cool. If I could pick, I'd choose to be a girl, inside and out. I just can't shake the body stuff. 

Hearing this really worries me. As Suzi said, being a man is hard, and the expectations people will have of you will make it difficult for you to maintain the parts of yourself that you like. Social dysphoria can be every bit as bad as physical dysphoria, and if you end up stuck in a role that you aren't prepared for, I'm afraid you may regret it. People will treat you differently as a man, and you need to be prepared for how that will change your relationships. The women who are your friends now may see you differently after transition, and even if you remain friends, you may not be as close to them as you once were. And being friends with other men will have it's own challenges to deal with. I never completely figured that one out myself. Also, there is that whole male sex drive thing you might have heard about, which tends to complicate things...

I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you really want here. Dealing with dysphoria is one thing, but taking testosterone and living as a man is another thing entirely. If that's not what you want, I think it would be better to try to address the things that cause your dysphoria directly (or at least as directly as you can) and not force yourself through a complete transition.

Quote from: Miyuki on October 07, 2015, 12:02:54 PM
Hearing this really worries me. As Suzi said, being a man is hard, and the expectations people will have of you will make it difficult for you to maintain the parts of yourself that you like. Social dysphoria can be every bit as bad as physical dysphoria, and if you end up stuck in a role that you aren't prepared for, I'm afraid you may regret it.

It worries me too. Right now, it's it's all little winces, y'know? Hearing "she" and "girl" and "female" is like having gnats in my ear. Annoying, but hardly life threatening. People sometimes ask me why I talk the way I do (ie: why I use male/masculine descriptors for myself like "Mr." instead of "Ms," "kid" or "boy" instead of "girl", "king" instead of "queen") but I can laugh that off and they usually don't push me on it. 

Otherwise, there's a lot about my social situation I like. Sometimes, I feel like a secret spy deep undercover in some cool club. Scared of being caught, but happy to be there, sorta, mostly. I know a lot of my relationships would change if I addressed my gender issues. Which is frightening, because I could lose a lot and because I don't know anything about being a guy, socially. Would love to have more male friends, but I dunno, I'm bad at it, I guess.

As far as addressing my dysphoria directly, that's kind of my current plan. I'm thinking top surgery on the down-low, then trans support groups so I can occasionally get my social "fix." Like I said, I would love to do bottom surgery -- hell, I'd do it first thing -- but that's functionally pretty moot, as I don't know any surgeons who will do it without several years of RLT and testosterone. Fair, I guess, but a bummer. Might just have to live with that.

I would be happy to trade if only it were possible. Maybe someday...

That would be my dream. Just a fantasy, but one I think about a lot. Ah, well. If life were easy, what would I have to kvetch about, right?

I don't have much advice but i feel a lot of this. I just keep thinking about what backtracking would feel like and that keeps me moving forwards.

Quote from: Miyuki on October 07, 2015, 12:35:04 PM
I would be happy to trade if only it were possible. Maybe someday...

I've often thought that this is the obvious solution lol... we've just got to master possession or astral projection or something

Quote from: Peep on October 07, 2015, 01:05:21 PM
I don't have much advice but i feel a lot of this. I just keep thinking about what backtracking would feel like and that keeps me moving forwards.

Trust me, man, the backtracking is r-o-u-g-h spells ROUGH. I was partially out and making progress before I shoved myself back in the closet ("You know what, it's fine, mom, don't even worry about that pronoun thing. It doesn't matter.") and back to the start ("What if I get caught packing? How could I explain that? Better not, just to be safe.") and hooooo boy, the feeling of so-close-yet-so-far is intense.

I was scheduled for top surgery! And now I'm nowhere. I can't say I have regrets, but the number of emotional boo-boos has increased.

Transitioning is super personal and everybody's path is going to be a little different. I had a lot of reservations similar to yours.

Speaking from personal experience, my views on what I wanted in my transition changed as things started happening. Originally I only wanted top surgery and to be referred to as male. As soon as I asked people to use my name and male pronouns, I realized I wanted to start T to enhance the masculine features that I already had. After top surgery, my dysphoria shifted and has been focused below the waist. I hadn't previously been considering bottom surgery. Now I've contacted my insurance company and multiple surgeons to start talking through what my options are for phallo.

As far as social stuff, I never made a big announcement. I told the people I see on a consistent basis and my immediate family, and then I just updated my name and made my gender public on Facebook. People quickly figured it out. It felt like a big deal to me at the time, but it was really not.

My only wish is that I had done it all earlier. It was not hard to go back and update my school records for undergrad and grad school. It isn't hard to ask for references from people who are friends with me on Facebook that I've worked with in the past. But I sort of feel like my life isn't my own at this point. It's like I've taken over my old life, and it isn't a life I would've chosen for myself. So that's tough. I've got student loan debt and I'm strongly considering taking on more to better accommodate bottom surgery phases and have a degree that genuinely feels like it's "mine".

I wish you luck in figuring out what will work best for you.

Trust me, Captains, patients care far more that their doctor has a good working knowledge of the human mechanism and a steady hand than they do about their doctor's gender identity or preference. 

I do understand your concerns, though because I have a far worse problem than you do.  I want very badly to transition to female, and if i were retired I would do it in a heartbeat.  But I work as a criminal defense attorney, and I get paid to represent some very manipulative clients, and the first thing a lot of criminal defendants do is try to find a way to blame their lawyer for the outcome of their case.

Add to that the ones that already have the "prison mentality" and you can see how I am likely to be treated when I display the first signs of femininity on the job.

It's hard. It's hard and I'm sorry you all relate to how hard it is, but if I'm honest, I'm glad I'm not alone.

I think I've got to give myself space from this transition stuff. No more tumblrs or photos or YouTube videos. I can't tell if I'm self-soothing with transition stories, or if I'm just feeding the flames. I think it's time to nut up and live as a girl for a bit -- stop binding, dropping my voice, giving my preferred name at Starbucks -- and see what, exactly, is intolerable vs what's me being a big whiner.

That's brave lol :) I hope you sort things out

Quote from: Peep on October 08, 2015, 09:11:52 AM
That's brave lol I hope you sort things out

Brave is one way to put it -- masochistic is another. It's only been like three days, but lord almighty, they've been unfun. Turns out, it's hard to unopen a box.

Not binding sucks, but worse were the days where I fought tooth and nail against my internal gender identity. The morning after my last post, I woke up determined to just "be a girl." It's one thing to smile and nod along with a person who misgenders you, but it's another thing entirely to try and convince yourself that they were right all along.

I learned some stuff about myself, but it's been a painful few days, haha. I'm checking back in in a moment of weakness, but honestly, I dunno how long this can last. Thank god I only ever intended this to be a diagnostic.