I'm going to be spending the night at a girl's place. One who I'm interested in, and who seems interested in me. The problem is, she doesn't know I'm trans. There is no way that I'd be willing to tell her.
I don't know what to do. It's making me feel really bad about myself. I can't keep her interested, all the while rejecting her sexual advances forever. I could tell her I'm not actually interested (which makes me sad), but really am I going to have to do that for the rest of my life (or at least until I get bottom surgery)?
If anyone has ANY alternatives, I would be incredibly grateful.

Hiya kaleb, sexual relationships are hard. And it can be so very difficult. But my experiences tell me to be honest. Because you cant lie to yourself because you will never be happy. And you cant not tell her because she will feel that something is wrong. And that could put a real strain on your relationship..

When i started to date my guy, he thought we was in a gay relationship even tho i never believed that myself and the way he treated me sexually made me feel horrible. Because i have never felt like a guy. So i pushed myself away from him because i didnt want to feel that way.. It nearly ruined the relationship. Then we had a chat and i told him that i was trans and it did take some getting used to (for him) and after, our relationship improved because he started to see me the way i was. We have now been together 10 yrs..

I hope this helps and good luck in your new relationship...

I wish there was an easy answer to that question. Its a dilemma that many have faced, and which has caused much pain.

As someone who is many decades past all surgeries and such, it would easy for me to be glib and say things about honesty and trust being the only foundation for any sort or real freindship/relationship, and in reality that probably is the harsh bottom line, but its not a terribly nice thing to have to say and I realise that it probably doesnt help.

Perhaps the most helpful and comforting thing I can say is that almost everyone trans has faced this dilemma at one point or another in their lives, and while it is probably true that it makes initial negotiation of a relationship more tricky, there plenty of people on here who have successfully jumped that hurdle.

I think the key is in being realistic with yourself, and not fixating on partners who are likely to have problems with that aspect. For example I've mostly dated people who are Bi/Pan/Trans. There many straight men and women that I've found attractive but i've always told myself that they are mostly off limits to me. That way I've never had a problem. It has cost me interest in a few nice people, but some of them have then gone to become good friends anyway.

In my opinion the "could I tell him/her" test is actually a pretty good metric for whether my interest is merely a passing infatuation or potentially something deeper and better. Only if my interest passes the threshold do I then proceed. The end result has actually been that I have had some quality realtionships in my life!

Thank you, it is nice to hear that I'm not alone in this.
Now that you've had your surgeries, are you able to have relationships without your partner knowing that you're trans?
I suppose you're right. As a straight cis girl, she's off limits...

I to am an honesty is the best policy girl. My surgery is very old and in a dark room it would pass but if we started playing doctor, there would be noticeable differences. Also as my partner could be uncomfortable with the truth about me, I would want them to be able to back out with their dignity. I want any relationship I am in to be based on the truth instead of a lie. If the relationship can't take the truth, it wasn't meant to be.

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leacobb, my problem is that I like the way she treats me. She believes me to be a cis male, and I don't want that to change. When I was in high school, everyone treated me like a freak. Now in uni, I'm happy living with anyone knowing I'm trans. People treat me normally. I don't want to jeopardize that, but at the same time it's unfortunate that I can't date anyone.

Im so sorry kaleb, this is so hard for you. And it is not a easy thing. I was in the same boat as you when i was in school. Being called a freak and beaten up. It was horrible. But believe me when i say you have never been a freak. I guess what i could say is that look into your heart and ask yourself how do you want you life to be in your future. What will make you happy ? As you have just said you dont mind telling people your trans. In genral, and i really believe that if this girl is as nice as you say, im sure she would want you to be happy...

Take care kaleb. And good luck xxx

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Quote from: kaleb234 on October 08, 2015, 02:08:13 AM
Now that you've had your surgeries, are you able to have relationships without your partner knowing that you're trans?

Yes I could... but I choose not to, because there would always be a slight risk, and a.) I wouldnt want to make someone feel that I had been dishonest, and b.) I'm not ashamed of who and what I am.

so it hasnt ever caused me any difficulties.

Quote from: Dena on October 08, 2015, 02:08:55 AM
My surgery is very old and in a dark room it would pass but if we started playing doctor, there would be noticeable differences.

Dena - two things.

1. you do realise that there are now good "cosmetic updates" available? My surgery is of the same vintage as yours and in 2010 I had it very successfully updated to modern standards. In the US Toby Meltzer is the man, here in the UK we go to Bellringer or Thomas. They all offer a good update to vag 2.0

2. As someone medically (and now part surgically) trained I reckon I could personally spot even the best modern surgery. There are always subtle differences and clues for someone who is suspicious and well informed to pick up on, but frankly its not something I expect most people would either bother to do or indeed have the knowledge to do...

I meant to type "without anyone knowing I'm trans." I moved to a new city where no one knows me. Your advice still applies, though. I really do need to sit down and think about how I can achieve a happy future.
Thank you very much for the kind words, leacobb. You take care as well

I haven't had a relationship since Cro Magnon was eating fresh Mastodon steaks , but I always believe it's best policy to get it out of the way to save bigger problems latter. 

I'm a straight cis woman dating  transguy. We're not off limits. I appreciate and love my BF felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable and share his story with me. 

I can appreciate the man he is today far more because I know his past. He is stealth, but not with me and I don't think it's possible to be stealth with the person you are dating, at least not if you want a relationship with substance.


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bwr,
That is really nice to hear. I could tell her, but I don't know how she would react. Do you think it would be better to tell her sooner, or later? I see both sides:
I can tell her later once she gets to know me better and things get more serious, which makes sense to me.
Though if I allow it to get to that point and she is uncomfortable with me being trans, then it would make it a messier separation.
How soon did your boyfriend tell you? How did he even start that conversation (if that's not too personal)?

Dear Kaleb: 

Relationships as a trans-person are sensitive it seems or at least have the potential to be that way.  As you well know it's personal and no two relationships are the same.  I'm older so my view below is, well, that of an older person.

Consider being open early and truthful with sensitivity and care for how you and the other person are going cope; however, don't delay very long on big things (little either).  It has always made things more difficult for me when I did.

Take good care,

Rachel

Kaleb,

this is something you will have to decide, because you know her and your relationship with her, and we don't.
But don't think about yourself first, think about her.

Here is what I would do, and why (I am MtF but mainly into women, so I won't change the pronouns):
If I believe she likes me, the time to tell her is now.
There is no other way.
If I wait, in her heart and mind she will have formed a solid picture which I will have to shatter, hurting her, badly damaging her trust in me.
I explain to her why I have decided to tell her now, just like I am explaining it here.
If she is able to accept me, she will, at least she will try. If she is too uncomfortable, it will never work, and things will definitely not become better by waiting longer before telling her.


I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done - Lucille Ball

I was thinking about you OP. How did it go?  Hope everything worked out for you!


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bwr, thanks things went surprisingly well. By the end of the weekend I just told her the truth and she told me that she's fine with it. I truly didn't expect her to be cool with it.   

Thank you everyone for the advice, I don't think I would have mustered up the courage to tell her without this forum.

Oh, that's a great start!  Good for both of you.   

Rachel 

I'm happy you were comfortable enough to tell her. For some people, I think that just wouldn't be an option! Personally, I have never come that close to anyone without them already knowing that I am trans as I am only semi-stealth.

I do not think that cis-straight people are off limits, as I think that our image of what we are attracted to is so shaped by society, and I genuinely think that anyone could enjoy and be attracted to a body that is in some sense different from what they thought was their preference. Now that is where my limit is drewn, because if someone plainly refuses to open themselves up to that, I don't think they're a good fit with me.