Hello everyone,

I will preface this topic by saying that this may upset some of you as I talk about a suicide attempt in relation to transition.

I am a straight cisgender woman and I have been dating a wonderful man who happens to be transgender. I have known him for many years but we only recently got romantic and have moved in together. He was doing very well, he was stealth and working in a job and was very happy to finally be able to live authentically as the man he is. He has worked very hard to get to that point and disconnected from all his old friends to prevent gossip. However, a close friend ended up discovering his past as she encountered someone who knew him before and he came up by happenstance. This person ended up disclosing that he is born female to all his coworkers who began to gossip about him behind his back. Of course he found out.

He was devastated and I did my best to support him but it was not enough. Very quickly he became a different man entirely. For a few months I noticed odd things. In the laundry I saw that some of his clothes developed blood stains and he was even more secretive about his body than usual. I discovered that he had been cutting himself in private to cope with the pain. He would disappear at random times in the night and would come back reeking of alcohol (covered with cologne and gum) and refuse to tell me where he had been or what he had done. And he became...strange. He would have periods where he would seem as though he was not present mentally. He was very secretive with me which is uncharacteristic of him and he would spend a lot of time alone in his room listening to strange music.

One day he texted me saying that the gossip had spread further and that a coworker mocked his appearance but he would not elaborate. He came home to me, went to the bedroom and listened to music and refused to talk to me. He came out appearing very calm and at peace, and said he was going to take a walk. He drove off and a half hour later I got a phone call saying that he was being taken to the hospital as he had tried to kill himself while driving the vehicle. He did not die but he was hospitalized in the psychiatric ward and is being closely followed by the psychiatric team at this time.

He is not as suicidal as he once was and he is willing to receive help from the psychiatric team. He tells me that he knows he cannot change the way he was born but that he is not sure he can live in a world where he cannot leave the past in the past. He is a very private person and he does not believe that something as personal as a gender transition is something to share with simply anyone.

I am heartbroken to know that I could not support him adequately and that he tried to take his own life because of this situation. I feel guilty that I did not see how sick he was and refer him for help. I am scared because I worry that one day I will get a phone call saying that he has successfully taken his own life. I am frightened at how calm and assured he was as he walked out the door to commit suicide, it was as though he thought he found the answer. And I am furious that this coworker chose to spread this gossip as if it were her right! I have known this man for many years and he has acted as a rock for me even when he was struggling on his own. He is kind, intelligent, humorous, and I love him with all my heart and I do not know what I would do without him.

I don't know how I can help him. That is why I am here. Clearly we need to be more careful with his transgender status in the future. But at this stage I am so desperate for answers.

Wow that is certainly a story. Is he still seeing a gender therapist? He should probably start seeing one if he isn't.

Let him know you love him and you're there for him no matter what. That should help comfort him.

Because of the alcohol and self harm he should definitely be talking to someone.

Best wishes
Hugs

There was recently a thread by another user here who went through a similar situation at work. She hadn't come out yet or socially transitioned, but coworkers found her Facebook and began to gossip about her. She had success working with HR. If your boyfriend enjoys the work that he does, I'd encourage him to reach out to them as soon as he's feeling up to it. They should be able to help his coworkers understand not only his situation, but how their actions have affected him.

Even if he decides that he no longer wants to work in that environment, I think something should be said to HR. Think about any future trans people that may work there. We don't want your boyfriend's situation to be repeated. Allowing his coworkers to continue their behavior implies that their behavior is acceptable. It may not be the most comfortable conversation to have, but it could easily be brought up in a resignation notice or exit interview.

In a lot of ways, I agree with and understand where your boyfriend is coming from. I'm planning on starting over in a few years, and I'm not sure what my reaction would be if my past caught up to me. It's not that I'm ashamed of being trans. I feel like the circumstances of my birth are generally inconsequential, and should be of no importance to anyone that I'm not romantically involved with. The obsession with and objectification of trans people's bodies by cisgender people just boggles my mind.

I'm so sorry that he's going through this, and I hope he finds a resolution to the situation that he is comfortable with. He is very lucky to have you, you seem like a really great partner. My advice would be to remind him that you love him. Take care of him in whatever way he will accept. Offer to go to therapy with him. Offer to speak to work on his behalf if he isn't comfortable doing so. Most of all, just be present. Let him know that you're there.

I am so sorry this has happened to you both.  It sounds like your partner puts a lot of value into the way others perceive him.  I know a lot of people highly value their reputations, but men may have an especially hard time.  They often have an ego that depends on people believing they are confident, composed and emotionally robust.

A lot of guys joke with each other in hurtful ways, as if to build-up and test their resistance to emotions.  I feel as though your partner may be a bad place because he thinks of this secret as a weakness, and now others know about it. I think this is one reason why men become secretive, so nothing possibly perceived as weak can be used against them.  Your partner may have an especially hard time because in the minds of some men, anything female suggests weakness.

Saving face from this kind of situation is something most men struggle with. It would be really nice if some coworkers banded together and came out with their own deep secrets (e.g. coming out of the closet).  Your partner would see that he is not alone, and "even the playing field" among his peers.  But instead, I worry your partner has to find the strength (maybe with you, HR and colleagues who will stand by him) to remind people this isn't something to be ashamed of. 

Hopefully the hospital, a doctor or counselor can help him to get back on his feet psychologically.  I know a lot of people whose lives were literally saved by the right medication and the intervention of a therapist, myself included.

This is my fear too. I afraid of the ridicule, even though I'm prepared, that I'll get once I show myself to the world. It's dangerous to be my true self in a world filled with ignorant eyes.

Be there for him. Even if he doesn't want to talk about it to you, be the person he can talk to. Be ready to listen and comfort if he should ever open up to you. The worst part of depression is the feeling of isolation imo.