About a year ago I came out as trans to my wife. I didn't have plans to transition till early this year I just could not take keeping it a secret anymore. It devastated her she tried her best to carry on with the marriage and support me. Early this year I got a bad relapse and tried to kill myself being torn between being my true authentic self and letting everyone down the path to killing of the pain was clear.After failing at suicide I decided I am going to the therapist for help. I then decided transition is the only path to survival. My therapist agreed. My wife was on board she was supportive and even had a session with my therapist telling her that she is fine with the process and she won't leave me. I got approval for hrt. I came out on facebook to everybody that this is my path that I am taking. A lot of people where supportive but not my family. She is close with them.

A month after I started hrt the crap hit the fan I overheard her telling my father that she is not supportive of my choice and that she is just acting like it because she don't want to hurt my feelings. She is not bisexual I am forcing her to be she told them. She told them she is considering divorce. I told her I would quit if she asked me but she did not ask. This devastated me.I ended up in rehab after driving my car into a wall trying to commit suicide.I got clinical depression and anxiety also. In rehab I lived as my true gender. It was wonderful everyone knew I was trans and I felt at home and ease with myself the woman took me under their wings and I learned a lot of womanhood. I swore never to live as a man again. I came out of rehab chucked most of my man clothes I got a whole wardrobe full of female clothes as as gifts.

I made a promise in rehab to god if my wife take me back I won't transition while in the marriage and I won't leave her to transition. Well I begged her for 2 months to take me back she did not want to. After giving up because I could not take the rejection anymore as you know nobody can tell a trans person about rejection and what it is she decided now she want to give me another chance.

It is two weeks down the line now that we are back together and I feel dead inside as if a piece of me was taken away by stopping my transition after 3 months on hormones. My breasts started developing and all the good stuff that I wanted started to happen. After speaking to my therapist the first day I cried for two days trying to get over the pain of being male the rest of my life. Trying to be happy but know I am lying to myself about who I am. I got a taste of who I was with living as female now I must go back to being a man again. Every day I wake up and gd is there dragging me down. I want to be a woman so badly but I can't carry the pain of letting my wife down that I love dearly and my 2 year old daughter. I don't want to break up a family for this. It just feels so wrong. I don't want to hurt her anymore. The thing is it feels as if all romantic feelings are gone between us we don't have that connection anymore we are still sleeping in two different beds and it does not bother me or her when do you know to call it quits and move on.It is as if romantically we grew apart but still managed to be best friends.

Quote from: Amoré on October 09, 2015, 09:33:29 AM
I made a promise in rehab to god if my wife take me back I won't transition while in the marriage and I won't leave her to transition.

I don't think God will hold you to a promise to pretend to be someone else. You've given it your best shot, but if someone can pretend to be the opposite gender for their entire life, they're stronger than any human I know.

That was so rightly put suzi...

When i read your post Amore, it brought a tear to my eye and i felt every word you said. And im so sorry you have been going through this hell.. I have never been in this situation so i cant give advice, but i can say. You are an amazing person and so caring, that your willing to give up your happiness for your wife. And that is noble in its own way. But if you cant be who you really are with her. How could your companionship really work. Happiness needs to be on both sides.. You are just as important as she is.... I know you love her and you share a beautiful child together but it doesnt mean it is the end of all if your marriage ends. Your child will keep you strong and also having her as a friend too means you will always see her..

I just wish that things wore different for you, and i do honestly wish you the best and my love.. Just try and stay strong Take care

I understand what you guys are saying. The question is and her question how much more can I take we don't want to go down the same road again. We both got hurt in the whole process in the past with me coming out starting transition and stopping. I felt like I threw away who I am and have to live a fake life again just to keep family happy because they have booted me saying they don't want to know me if I transition.My wife will support but this will be the end of our marriage but we will remain friends and co parents. So I am scared of living a lonely life as a trans woman and not finding love again.My inner female just want to have what most woman have so desperately. I want to be a mother and a wife. I want to be able to breast feed my baby and they will know me as a mother.

The other thing is for a year she could not accept me as trans even if I don't transition she want me to want to be a man and like it. She keeps saying she is not comfortable knowing that I will always want to be a woman. I am scared that she will be unhappy in the marriage and I want her to be happy she deserves a real man. I told her I identify as female inside but will stay male outside but my inner core does not like this. I can't look at myself in the mirror without getting a sick feeling inside. Sometimes I walk past a mirror and stare at someone that is not me.

I don't know how to describe dysphoria it is like a noise in my head that is driving me insane and I can't switch it of. I can try to distract myself but it tends to interrupt me and leave me unable to function when I ignore it.

I also hate the sight of my body but I adore other males especially a well toned mans back. I just can't see myself in this body but want a man in my life as a woman I want to be loved as a woman not as a man.She can't give me that. I want to be desired as female and want to be made love to as a woman.I am bisexual. Is this normal to want this.

I don't cross dress because this makes my gd worse it does not help me and let me zoom in on my masculine features that does not fit in the clothes.So I end up in tears because I want to fit and like me in my clothes. hrt started to do it's job eventually and I started passing in the right clothes and got gendered correctly.She is also uncomfortable with me cross dressing. I am allowed to wear a panty if gd gets bad but that is that she wants to see the man she married. I must also wear my hare short I felt like I was dying inside when I cut it short two weeks ago and still can't stand the sight of it.

But the problem is it does not matter what road I take I will have a struggle. She can't be with a woman and most days I can't stand being a man.



 

I am so sorry for your situation. I, sadly, see it here quite a lot.

There is no easy answer, there is no resolution that will re establish the status quo.

She knows you are trans and to be honest she may never accept you as a man no matter what you do.

The choices? You both live in a destructive relationship before one of you decides that it is impossible.

You separate and start living your life and she can live hers.

The second choice sounds awful - I know.

But maybe it is the one that allows both of you to survive and live.

I'm sorry you face this choice.

Whenever I am faced with a seemingly irreconcilable question such as yours, the answer is usually found by asking another question; "Which pain is worse?"

As I am sure you are well aware, the suicide rate is pretty high for trans people. About every one of my TG support group member that are now full time reached the point of either Plan A to try transitioning or Plan B off themselves.  Only one of those have a "Do-Over" option.

I've been at the precipice a few times now. I got the membership forms from the Transition or Die club all filled out. To date I have not posted them. Low dose HRT had been a life saver for me over the decades. Feminizing levels even more so. During my many "WTF am I doing " meltdowns in the beginning I told my wife I will stop if she asked me or needed me to. Her response were always "You know you can't" and "I'd rather see you on hormones then hanging from a rafter in the garage"

My wife always knew of my gender issues. 30 years ago I had settled on being a CD. However me dropping the T-Bomb on her a few years back was a shocker for her. (It was for me to!) This has been hard on her and I cannot help but to think that on top of her heath issues I factor in as a large reason for her loss of a will to live.

Life and living is one bigger then life balancing or juggling act of all sorts of competing needs, wants, hopes, wishes, and dreams. All having a different level of importance at any ONE point in time. Live and living is also dynamic, always changing. Same applies to those needs. What was important yesterday may only seem to be so because it used to be. Sort of like your stuffy when your were a kid.

Hi Amore.  I too am so sorry to hear of your situation. 

I was in the middle of writing a response then my computer started to go through its updates and logged off (how rude).  Totally threw my train of thought off, but I'll try and remember what I was writing. 

I did comment on "approval"; approvals are for loans and auditions.  You are not auditioning to be yourself, as you are yourself.  That in itself makes you pretty [expletive] awesome! 

I am very lucky, as my wife, son, and one sister are totally on board.  I rarely speak with my other sister and I could care less about what she thinks.  I too have has a couple of suicide attempts years ago, fortunately unsuccessful.  I am glad that yours were unsuccessful as well.  I have not only seen your pain in others but I have felt it as well and no, it is not by any means a picnic.  But we get through it, one day at a time.

I am not totally on board with negotiating with God, but in a sense we all do in one sense or another.  I don't think that it is a matter of making deals; but when I pray I ask God to help me see everything through (and yes, I pray for much bigger boobs although I'm a C cup lol).  I graduate next month with my MS in Global Homeland Security Administration and Justice and was planning to pursue my doctorate in criminal justice so that I can teach at the university level.  Instead, I am going back to my undergrad roots in psychology and am enrolled to begin a double MS licensure program in  Marriage and Family Therapy then pursue my doctorate in clinical psychology.

Why?  Because I have been blessed with a very special gift, and I need to do something with that gift.  I will specialize in therapy for the LGBT community with a concentration with my trans brothers and sisters.  I will also specialize with members of the law enforcement, fire service, and EMS communities (we have a pretty high suicide rate among cops too).  OK, where the hell am I going with this?  I know there are those in our community that cannot afford therapy, let alone with a transgendered therapist who truly understands different dilemmas.  For those who truly cannot pay, I will offer my services free of charge. 

I am by far a religious gal, but i do pray regularly.  I am a lot of things but not a hippocrate.  God knows what my goals are, short and long term.  I ask Him to help me see not only my transition through but my educational journey.  Because I feel it is the right thing to do; it is not making a deal with Him, but perhaps it being more of making a deal with myself.  I have something to offer; so do you, Amore.  We need you on this earth, no matter how [expletive] up it is. 

You cannot outsmart the truth; so many of us have spent our entire lives trying to do so.  I am sorry, but I have to be blunt.  Sometimes we have to say goodbye to those we love.  For better or for worse has different meanings to different people (especially Bible thumpers) but it means one thing; for better or for worse.  If you stay, there will be resentment.  I can see it already, and an unhealthy situation will only worsen.   I have this same conversation with couples in domestic disputes; sometimes it is better to part amicably rather than to stay and hate each others guts, as resentment is the seed of hatred.  It is not fair to you or to her to stay for "her sake."  I promise you honey, you will not only hate her but you will hate yourself.  You have to be YOU for YOU. 

Everything else will come into place; maybe not overnight, but it will. 

No more talk about suicide, understand?  If I hear any of it I will have to hunt you down and bring you to my house and make you stay in a room with my Dachshund for a few days.  She will drive you coo-coo for coco puffs but you won't hurt yourself!   

OK kiddo, I have to get back out on the road and check on my guys.  You better keep us posted on how things are going, ya hear? If you want to send me a private message feel free to do so.  Just remember you are our gift; please don't take it away from us.

Be safe, honey.  When you're ready, I want to send you a link to a song that that I want you to hear.  Gotta go!


Marlo

Hi Marlo, I don't plan to try suicide again that was quite painful  . I admire you for your courage and your family for sticking with you and their bravery. I can't say the same of mine.I adore you that you want to help the community and give away your services for free to those who can't afford it. I am considering continuing with my transition. Her psychologist and my psychiatrist and psychologist all agree on one thing that our marriage is on the rocks. I am busy speaking to her to hold of divorce then until I am finished with my transition or presenting full time as female or can fill a cup size of a bra .  We are such good friends but throw marriage in the picture and the whole thing turns on a dime and gets complicated with me being trans and she can't accept me as trans. My psychiatrist told me she can't understand why I stopped my process for this marriage because it is toxic she can't understand the reason.should I listen to three learned people or follow my heart. I know I can't give my wife what she want for the trans thing to go away because I was like this from child that I can remember.