Hi Sandy,
The standard regimen for a trans woman without an orchiectomy includes an estrogen, such as estradiol, and an anti-androgen, usually spironolactone in the US.
Spironolactone is cheap, like $10/mo with coupons like GoodRx. I am older, so I use estradiol patches to minimize the chance of liver damage and thromboembolisms, but they are expensive without insurance ($100/mo or so.) Oral estrogens are the cheapest, but I have no experience with them.
Progestins are also used as anti-androgens, but not all endocrinologists advocate their use (mine does not).
I have read many of your posts, and I know you suffer a great deal from gender dysphoria, poor thing. I think you should ask your doctor/therapist about low-dose HRT, just for the mental relief it can bring. It may bring you some peace, without any major physical changes, and buy you time to consider what you want to do going forward.
Best wishes,
Terri