Quote from: brunx on October 11, 2015, 10:59:49 AM
Well, this button that could remove the dysphoria would solve the problem. But if I had the choice between these two buttons, I would still pushing the one that made me a girl.

Me too

I know this is all very hypothetical and kind of pointless, but without the dysphoria, the desire to be a girl would not be there either so then I would be a "normal" cis-male. Trying to understand how these imaginary buttons would work is making my head hurt.  It's like trying to understand how the future would be affected if traveling back in time were possible.

Anyway, I guess the point I was trying to make was that either magic button would be OK because in both cases the hurt, pain and confusion would not exist.

Jayne

I thought once about what I would do if there were two pills.  A blue pill to erase every bit of conflict and make me male and a red pill to erase every bit of conflict and make me female. 

I choose the red pill every time.  It's not so much for the physical aspect.  Rather I feel that if I took the blue pill I would be somebody else.  For all practical purposes I would cease to exist.  The blue pill is cyanide for the soul.


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3 of you have said you would choose the red pill/button every time without question. That adds to my confusion. It makes me think I'm not trans, instead there is something else that is causing me to have this conflict in my head. Because for me, it doesn't matter if it's the blue or red pill/button, as long as the conflict goes away. I don't feel that either option would change who I am inside. Wow! I think I have opened up a can of worms here trying to decide between two options which are both imaginary.

I'm so confused!?!?  I have no idea where I belong on the gender spectrum. I've read that gender is decided before birth and a child has a pretty good idea of their gender identity by about age 3 to 5. I'm 43, and I think the department of gender identity in my brain is on an extended lunch break! I keep calling it to find out what I am but there is no answer. 

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on October 11, 2015, 05:38:06 PM
3 of you have said you would choose the red pill/button every time without question. That adds to my confusion. It makes me think I'm not trans, instead there is something else that is causing me to have this conflict in my head. Because for me, it doesn't matter if it's the blue or red pill/button, as long as the conflict goes away. I don't feel that either option would change who I am inside. Wow! I think I have opened up a can of worms here trying to decide between two options which are both imaginary.

I'm so confused!?!?  I have no idea where I belong on the gender spectrum. I've read that gender is decided before birth and a child has a pretty good idea of their gender identity by about age 3 to 5. I'm 43, and I think the department of gender identity in my brain is on an extended lunch break! I keep calling it to find out what I am but there is no answer. 

Jayne

I suspect most/all Red Pill Poppers have seen or are living in the promised land. Before I learned I can be seen as and accepted as a woman I likely would have opted for the blue

Quote from: Jayne01 on October 11, 2015, 05:38:06 PM
3 of you have said you would choose the red pill/button every time without question. That adds to my confusion. It makes me think I'm not trans, instead there is something else that is causing me to have this conflict in my head. Because for me, it doesn't matter if it's the blue or red pill/button, as long as the conflict goes away. I don't feel that either option would change who I am inside. Wow! I think I have opened up a can of worms here trying to decide between two options which are both imaginary.

I'm so confused!?!?  I have no idea where I belong on the gender spectrum. I've read that gender is decided before birth and a child has a pretty good idea of their gender identity by about age 3 to 5. I'm 43, and I think the department of gender identity in my brain is on an extended lunch break! I keep calling it to find out what I am but there is no answer. 

Jayne

In actuality there is no blue pill. There is only transition. That's the point that I got to. 95% of my waking thoughts are about my gender identity. It's awful. Even my good moments are clouded by thoughts of "This would be better if I was a woman." And not in situations where gender would make a difference, like watching my daughter play at the park.

At the same time, my wife is already on record that the marriage cannot continue if I transition. She's also 9 months pregnant and I'm not about to put my unborn child's life at risk nor risk missing her birth because my wife is filing for divorce. So I drudge on, swallowing my emotions. Not telling her what's wrong when she asks. Not telling her how I sob at night when everyone else is asleep.

Katelyn, I'm sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation. I wish I had some comforting words to give you. I don't have any children, so I don't know what it feels like, but I imagine that witnessing the birth of your child would be something special. Maybe that is something you could focus on to help take your mind off things.

Jayne

Ahhh, My Dear Katelyn but for the Passage of Time Go I:

A Secret - - - - -

It's all made up by someone: partly by you, partly by those you know and the rest by everyone else.  That's the big secret about life; it's what we say it is.  If what we say is workable for having a life we love then great and if otherwise life is still life (and maybe great too seen through a different lens but seldom our own).

It can be pretty brutal to deal with life like that, unless you can accept whatever happens in your life you are responsible for because you were/are there.  However, there's a simplistic beauty and a world of love in that notion as well.  Without getting any more esoteric, the implication is you have the power of choice, and choice is all about being able to create a life you love and can live with joy and peace.

Your wife is going to ultimately to choose (or decide and note the root: "cide") and it's perfectly acceptable and expected in healthy people that they should choose regularly including you.  You seem to have a good sense about timing just now but that time will end soon enough.  When that time comes choose to have a life you love, and be open and caring about choosing and taking action. 

Many of us have stared deep into that abyss you are staring into.  You do not have to look there if you choose otherwise.  That choice can be as simple as giving yourself 5 minutes a day to be who you are.  Maybe you want 5 minutes or 55 minutes, you simple choose and be called by that choice.  Maybe in time you will want a life like that all the time; you can choose that too.

This will not make the noise go away, but in a little while the noise will to begin dampen, and someday it simply will be the background noise we all have because we are human.

Here's something to consider as a game:  What little thing, key for the exercise is 'little,' is now missing from your life which would make a difference if you had it.  Then choose it and act accordingly.  In time you'll build muscle (the good kind - lol) around choosing and doing . . . where you go from there is up to the woman you are.

Please stay in touch and know many, many sisters are here for you,

Rachel

Thank you Rachel, that brought a tear to my eye. This place is so supportive, I'm not sure what I would do without it.

Rachel, you have a real talent with words. Thank you for being so supportive.

Jayne

Hi all,

I went to see my therapist yesterday. We had a 2 hour session this time. It was good. The time goes so quick. I'm really struggling with accepting myself, especially after having days like last weekend where the dysphoria was pretty much gone. I have trouble identifying what I'm actually feeling at any particular time, which causes me confusion. For example, I don't know if it is fear of transitioning, anxiety, hatred of myself, worry about what I'm putting my wife through I wish my thoughts came with little neon signs so I could properly identify them.

My therapist asked me if I would like to take some test for other conditions like depression, anxiety, autism just to put my mind at ease. I keep asking her if it is possible that I might have some other condition that may be causing my dysphoria. She doesn't think I do, but is happy to run whatever tests she can come up to help me. Too bad there is no test for ->-bleeped-<- (is that even a word?). Maybe by the process of elimination I can more easily accept myself.

She also asked if I prefer that she call me Jayne rather than my actual name. I didn't seem to bothered about that. I currently only present as male and have only ever been called my male name (except on this forum). She also asked wether I would prefer she start using female pronouns and refer to me as a woman. I told her that "woman" had an odd feeling about it. I prefer female to woman. I don't know why. I can think of myself as female, but I have trouble thinking of myself as a woman. Does anybody else feel that? Does that mean anything?

I just remembered, during our 2 hour session, I needed to use the bathroom. I asked her where it was and she said the men's is right across the hallway and the ladies is to the right. She told me to use whichever I felt comfortable with. Again, I didn't seem too bothered either way, it's just a bathroom. I ended up using the men's incase there were other women in the ladies, I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable with a guy walking in.

Jayne

Sounds like you have a good therapist. Mine has done many of the same things. She refers to me as Katelyn and uses feminine pronouns in private and I think in her notes. It's very comforting to me that she accepted that so quickly. Occasionally I notice that she slips the first time she says my name in the session and then doesn't slip again for the rest of the time. It doesn't bother me, I like her.

One thought that crossed my mind was, if you were a cismale, wouldn't it bother you that your therapist would even ask you if you wanted to be referred to with a female name and pronouns?

Also sorry about my previous long post. It turned into something completely different than what I intended to put out there.

Hi Katelyn,

Thank you for your continual support.

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 13, 2015, 04:30:37 PM
One thought that crossed my mind was, if you were a cismale, wouldn't it bother you that your therapist would even ask you if you wanted to be referred to with a female name and pronouns?

I'm not sure. The whole reason I'm seeing the therapist in the first place is because of this confusion in my head. I think she is just being good at her job asking me if I prefer female name and pronouns. So it doesn't bother me that she asked.

I keep trying to ask myself if I would be happier as male or female. I can never answer that question with any certainty. And thinking about it just ends up making me frustrated and angry. I feel so lost. At least when I tried to bury these feelings I would go through whole spans of time without feeling bad, until I had a complete meltdown. Having a complete meltdown once every few years might be a better option. I don't know. I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

Can someone please hit me in the head with a club or something and tell me what the hell I am?

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 13, 2015, 04:30:37 PM
Also sorry about my previous long post. It turned into something completely different than what I intended to put out there.

Please, no need to apologise. We are all here to seek help and offer help where we can.

Jayne

Maybe you're bigender and feel like floating between the two at a whim?

Maybe!? I'll bring it up with my therapist next week. Thanks Katelyn.

Katelyn,
I've read through all of your posts.  I'm in the same boat in many ways.  Any transition is impossible for me right now.  Physically and for work.  I work in an all male environment where big and strong is a must.  You will find having this conflict will actually make you a better father and a better husband in some ways.  Just know that you're not alone.
Xx 😊

Thanks Kylie. I'm determined to transition as soon as possible. Whenever that is.

Hello,

I don't know what is going on. I'm going from bad to worse. Every time I look in the mirror, I see a man. Every time I open my mouth, I hear a man. My mannerisms say I'm a man. My interests are typically make interests. My brain doesn't know what the hell it is. Sometimes it feels female, sometimes male. Every day I wish that I simply was never born. My whole existence feels like a cosmic joke.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot imagine myself a woman. Yet there is this constant recurring feeling inside that I am. I so desperately want to rid myself of this dysphoria crap and just be a normal guy. There is no way I could ever pull off being a woman. I don't even feel like I'm a human anymore.

I frequently have thoughts of how I would end myself. I'm not suicidal, but I'm scared that one day I might be. If I was crossing the road and accidentally tripped, and a truck was coming, I'm not so sure I would hurry to get up out of the way.

I keep reading topics on this website. Everyone seems to know what they are. Their struggle seems to be around how to find a way to reach peace with who they know they are and how the world sees them. I have no idea what I am. I don't know where I belong. Thinking about this makes me so angry I just want to break everything in my sight. This is no way to live. Maybe if I'm lucky a truck might take me out after all.

Jayne... Or John..... Or whoever the hell I am!   

Hi,

I too go through this sort of thing, it can be very hard to see myself as a woman but I also know I'm not just a normal man either. The uncertainty can be scary, I know this first hand. I guess all I can really say is you're not alone, and you don't have to make some sort of binding decision this second. You have plenty of time to think things over and figure out the path that is right for you.

Quote from: Jayne01 on October 15, 2015, 12:26:34 PM
Jayne... Or John..... Or whoever the hell I am!   

You're you, and that's all you need to be.

I think that you and I are similar in that we want to figure out the best course of action right away, and then take immediate steps to get on that course. I've found that this sort of thing doesn't work in this situation. Being unsure of yourself can be frightening, but it's nothing more than an opportunity to explore who you are.

I think you should definitely talk to your therapist about what you've said in your most recent post, and if these thoughts get worse I really want you to contact some of the resources at the top of this forum.

*Hugs*

E

Mannerisms are mostly cultural and learned.  And what is a typically male or female interest?  If you look really carefully you can see those are largely cultural and enforced by society.  Gender identity is separate from all that and is further confused because most of us in earlier times forced ourselves to inculturate stereotypically out of self preservation.  It's all very confusing and it takes a tremendous amount of introspection and review of all past experiences and emotions to untangle the web.


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