I'm in the telephoning stage with two men I've met on OKCupid. Neither has asked me out yet, but they seem eager to talk on the phone and tell me that they like me a lot (I take it with a grain of salt - don't think you can really tell if you like someone without meeting them in person).

Both theoretically know that I'm trans, since I list "Transgender woman" on the gender line of my profile and mention in my profile that I'm post-op. But neither has brought it up. Some might see that as a good thing, but I don't want it to be the elephant in the room. When we talk about my history or my life it's unavoidable. My transition was a big event in my life, and the first half century of my history was as a male, something that can't be avoided when we talk about our past. I'm a trans activist so a lot of the events in my life are related to being trans.

I'm not sure how to raise the topic.

Any suggestions? Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do?

"I just want to be upfront, I'm transgender." That should do it. 

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 12, 2015, 09:30:38 AM
"I just want to be upfront, I'm transgender." That should do it. 

I'm just concerned that would bring the same silence that I've been seeing. I thought of "how do you feel about the fact that I'm trans" or "have you ever dated a trans woman before." The idea is to break the ice so they know this is an ok thing for them to talk about, rather than feeling like they need to tiptoe around the subject or avoid it like a plague.

You could say "I do a lot of work with the transgender community" as a pure icebreaker?

Hugs, Devlyn

I mention it on my profile, if someone didn't read my profile, but is talking to me like that, they are a shallow person I don't need anyway. I will however, at some point likely bring it up if it is never brought up in the context of my own history just to show whoever I am talking to it isn't something that I am ashamed of or afraid to talk about, more of a "I am trans, what of it?"

That being said, it is quite likely the people in question know about it but, don't want to be the first to broach the subject, I mean after all, it is a pretty personal thing. I know from my own experiences that when dating people who aren't trans they tend to be on eggshells around the issue until I show them I am comfortable with acknowledging and speaking about the fact that I wasn't born as I am now.

So, I would just make a casual mention of an event that makes it clear you are trans, and suggests how willing or not willing you are to talk about the subject. Like set the narrative for your potential partner, and then you can control how the discussion is framed.

I wouldn't worry too much about it . You put trans in the profile . They've gone that far so they're at least curious which opens the door. Also what Devlyn says.

Suzi, I think you are on the right track with "How do you feel about the fact that I am trans" line of thinking. You'll either break the dam and they'll ask inquisitive questions or that will be the end of your conversations. I know that getting the silence would hurt, but better that than the alternative if the topic is never explicitly discussed. You've been a big help to me and I also wanted to wish you good luck.

I would do a mixed approach.

First, their avoiding the subject might be a good sign. They seem to be not ->-bleeped-<-s.

Second as Hikari said its possible they feel like on eggshells... not exactly knowing how to approach the subject without seeming to be offensive.

It might be possible to make a remark...
as you have read I'm transgender... that means I identify as a woman... and if you don't deliberately use offensive language I won't be offended...
and move on to another subject...

so they know its ok to talk... but not necessarily now.

Thanks, everyone, for the suggestions.

I'm increasingly getting the feeling that neither of these men are exactly who they say they are. I caught one of them in a lie and the other one, despite supposedly being local and telling me how much he likes me, seems unwilling even to discuss the possibility of meeting me. He changes the subject every time I bring it up.

In the future, I will take this as a red flag: When men seem not to want to say something about my being trans. Nearly everyone who was eventually willing to meet me brought it up pretty early, if only to say they had no problem with it.