Ok. So, here is my life situation. I've had a series of unfortunate events that have led me to abandon my life, and start fresh. I've started fresh before, but this will be unlike my other attempts to wipe the slate clean. This time, I'll be living with my parents.
I started living full-time as Jessica in 2003. My parents severely disapproved. Following advice from their pastor, they allowed me to be homeless. I lived in a dumpster for a few months while I saved for my first apartment. I eventually got on my feet and built a life for myself. That life was great. I had adventures. I was young, smart, pretty. I was making huge transition strides. Had a surgery. Change my name and gender on all my documents. Then life happened. I had a job working 50 hours per week. I got a second job so I could get insurance, to help me FINALLY get SRS.
I moved into a house, and started making plans. Thigs deteriorated quickly. My truck broke down 4 times from 4 different issues before failing completely. Losing my truck, cost me my good job. My new house was also a trap. The previous occupants had an outstanding bill for utilities, and now they won't service my home unless their name is off the lease. They also had bedbugs which ruined my furniture.
So now here I am, been living 8 months without power or water, in a house infested with bedbugs. I sleep on an air mattress on my kitchen table where bthey can't bite me.
Now. Back to my parents.
I've been Jessica for 13 years. My mom and I would correspond via email once a year or so. There were a few times where we didn't speak for 3-4 years. My grandparents were 100% supportive of my transition from day one, so me and my parents just used them for communication, rather than speaking to eachother directly.
Nana (my grandma) was so wonderful to me. She'd buy me pretty jewelry or ugly old lady clothes. It didn't matter. It was the thought. It showed she genuinely cared. She and my grandfather took me to get my name to get my legal name change, took me to TG support groups and doctors visits for horomones. They arranged for my mother to meet me for an hour or two while she was in town. That was in 2005. That was the last time I saw my mother in person.
When Nana died, I was forbidden to attend the funeral by my parents. I was livid. I held a grudge over that for years. Nana was ... Nana was amazing. I couldn't have asked for more. God I miss her.
After that, I quit talking to them entirely. Went years without speaking. I was damned angry. Who wouldn't be? I'm a redhead, so I got extra angry, but I digress.
2 months ago, I emailed my grandfather, and CC'd her email address so she would get an update that at least I'm ok. Then the tables turned on me.
My mom unloaded her guilt on me. She felt horrible for what she and my dad put me through. She asked for my phone number and we began to talk over the phone for the first time since they made me homeless. She wept. She cried and I won't lie. I did too. Now she is a changed woman. She learned that "hey, this Jessica chick is a way better daughter than a son ". I was a miserable male. Violent. Angry. Mean tempered. Depressed. All that. She hears my bubbly excited voice (which I have a woman's voice) so it's almost like her son died, but the twin daughter lives on. She also has now educated herself on the subject of transsexualism. She feels bad for me, and regrets I was robbed of life in this way. Now she is excited for my SRS. She is going with me when I get it. Her exact words were, and I quote, "When you wake up from surgery, I'll be there next to your bed, smiling at you". I cried again. Hard. That effed me up. I had grown so cold. It's been 10 years since I've seen her. 14 years since I've seen my dad, but apparently he too has grown accustomed to telling people about his two daughters (I have a sister). He calls me Jessica even.
Sounds good right?
Too good. I have many worries moving there. Like I said, my living situation sucks. I can't stay here. It's unsuitable for human habitation. I need a fresh start there. I would also be spending Xmas and thanksgiving with them, which has its own appeal. I've spent Xmas alone for a decade.
I'm afraid though. Sure my dad tells mom that he supports me, and he probably does. But. He's never actually met me. I haven't seen him since 2001, and I was a soldier, Army Ranger no less. Neither he, nor my mother ACTUALLY know me. I'm a stranger to them both. 14 years is a long time. I went full-time as Jessica and never saw them again.
Now here I am, a complete stranger, and we will be living together next month. This will come with stipulations.
1. I am not allowed to date men until postop. I refuse to have sex preop, because I don't use what I have, and anal sex isn't fun. Feels gay. Doesn't make me feel like a woman, just like a gay guy. Gross. So that rule is fine. No dating. Got it.
2. No drinking. I like wine, but I'm no wino. Easily done.
3. No friends over to the house. Eh, I won't have any when I get there, but I suspect I will make a few. I'd still obey the rules.
4. Church is mandatory, and women wear dresses to church. I didn't transition for the clothes. I wear them every now and then, and sure I look very pretty in them, but I don't like how exposed I feel being preop in a dress. I hate it actually. I use tight pants to help me tuck. Dresses offer no such support. I like a pretty dress, but I wear them on my terms. Wearing them every Sunday morning sounds awful, and I despise church. That's the last place I want to wear a dress.
Rules man. Living with strangers as a 33 year old woman with teenage rules. Doesn't sound great, but I guess it's better than the 3rd World conditions I live in now.
Anyway. I'm super conflicted about this issue. I'm scared. Terrified actually.
What are your thoughts?
