I'm out to my friends, family, professors, coworkers, and bosses. I've been on T for nearly a year and I'm very close to setting a date for top surgery. I feel like I'm getting along pretty well in my transition, but I am seriously struggling to choose a name.  I don't want to share a name with anyone I know, so standard and even a lot of distinct but familar names (like Anton) are out. I want a name who really reflects who I am, but I'm struggling to really figure out who I am, and obviously one or two names can't reflect everything about me, so I have to prioritize. Which is hard for me, because I cycle through things. I speak several languages, so sometimes I think I want a name that reflects one or two of them, but then it's fall/winter and the weather is perfect (for me) for spending a lot of time outside hiking and bouldering and camping and tracking animals (I don't hunt, I just like to track) and just experiencing the changing colors and the colder temperatures and the first snowfalls, and I think I want a nature name. But then it's blizzard season and I spend more time inside reading, and maybe I want to take a literary name. And then it's the holiday season and I was raised Catholic so I end up going to church with my family or Catholic friends fairly often, and even though I don't believe in Christian teachings I really do enjoy being in church and doing church things and I think maybe a saint name, maybe a religious name, but it's also time for some pagan celebrations, which I like to participate in even though I'm not spiritual in a pagan sense either, so I think maybe a really old pre-Christian name would be good, and then it's spring and second semester starts and I get back into band which I've been doing for nine years and I think I should name myself for one of my favorite musicians or composers, and so on and so forth until I talk to my Russian friends and think about how much I love Russian and consider a Russian name and then it's fall again and I'm back to nature names, etc. Like I can find names to represent different parts of me, and at different times and in different situations different names feel good and right, but I've been name-hunting for three years and I've never found one that's me all the time, though I've tried a couple that I had faith in (they all failed me.)

And then there's the overarching concern that I'm being pretentious. That by picking any of the names I like I'm trying to make that one aspect of my life the center of my identity, that I'm trying to make myself out to be this rugged outdoorsman because I like the name Angus or this brilliant scholar because I like the name Ignatius, that by picking a distinct name I'm trying to be special or grandiose. Because naming yourself Michael doesn't say much about you except that you're a guy who probably lives in a predominantly English-speaking country and you like the name Michael, but naming yourself Konstantin says a lot.

And then there's the issue of heritage. I'm an American. I was born and raised in the US. My parents were born and raised in the US. Even my grandparents were born and raised in the US. But my dad's side of the family is from Donegal, Ireland, if you trace back far enough, and my mom's side of the family is from two different places in Sweden, much much more recently than my dad's side. My mom grew up in a small town of predominantly Swedish descent; her church was Swedish Covenant Lutheran, they celebrated Saint Lucia's day, they ate Swedish food, even though my mom's given name was pretty universal she went to school with people with names like Börje Lundqvist. Most of my extended family on my mom's side lives in or around that town, but my mom left. We live in a big city more than 12 hours away. My mom doesn't cook, so the only times I've had Swedish food was once a year until I was eleven that we would go visit our family where my mom grew up (and when I was in high school and I got interested in cooking Swedish food, my mom would get angry and not let me because she hates the smell of cooking.) The only Swedish I knew until about a year ago was a prayer I learned from my grandma. I've never gotten to really celebrate St. Lucia's day, just heard about it a couple weeks later because that's when we'd visit. My mom, and by extension my siblings and I, are completely Americanized.  But I don't want to be, because I don't consider myself just American. Because my heritage is important to me, and I want desperately to be connected to it the way my cousins and aunts and uncles are.

And the fact that my mom's family is Swedish isn't going to change throughout the year like my hobbies do. So I think, perhaps a Swedish name? But I know for a fact my immediate family would disapprove, think it was silly or even (to my mom) offensive. And what claim do I, an American and americanized college student, have to a Swedish name? As much as I wish I wasn't, I'm disconnected from Swedish culture. When I cook Swedish food for myself, when I practice speaking Swedish on my own, when I try to celebrate St. Lucia's day by myself, I'm not participating in a culture that was passed down through generations in my family, I'm just cooking or learning a new language or celebrating a holiday. Or at least that's what the sad angry voices on the back of my head keep telling me, no matter how much I wish the latter was true. And it is important to me, because I'm an advocate against cultural appropriation, but I don't know how I fit into cultural reclamation. Obviously a group of people who have been forcibly removed from their traditional culture (or had elements of their culture de-ethnicized) has the right to reclaim it, and I'd say a person living in a country who's disconnected from more traditional elements of their country's heritage because of their more urban setting has a right to reclamation, but do I? I don't live in Sweden. Is being half-Swedish by blood enough for me to be able to decide to practice as much of Swedish culture as I can, including using a distinctly Swedish name? Or am I just a pretentious American who's trying to come off as more special and cultured than I really am?

And I know Latin and Russian, and I've been studying them for a long time and they're both important to me. I'm planning on pursuing a career with Russian, and "Latin student" was a huge part of my identity in junior high and high school. All my friends who weren't from band were from Latin; I did competitions, I read book after book after book about Roman history and culture. Latin's not even a spoken language, but you can bet my friends and I spoke it to each other. Even though I'm not currently studying it, the Latin language and ancient Rome are hugely significant to me. And Russian is, of course, also very important. I speak the language, I read about the history, I keep up with politics both modern and historical, I lived in the greater St. Petersburg area for a few months and Irkutsk for a year and a half and would love to end up there permanently. The Roman and Russian names I like are not devoid of context. I don't just like them because they're pretty. But I have no Southern European heritage at all, let alone Italian. I had no ancestors in Ancient Rome. And I have no heritage connection to Russia either. So I think of course it would be appropriative of me to use a distinctly Roman or Russian name. But then there's annoyingly hopeful voice in the back of my head that says it's okay because I do have some connection to them, even if it's not heritage. But then I think how weird it would be if I went with a Russian name and when people asked if I was Russian I just said "no but I really like it." and with the Roman names that aren't popular enough for me to already know people with them and that don't just sound Italian, they sound incredibly scholarly, and I'm not.

And my last name. I feel no connection to my last name, because my dad is estranged from his family, so it holds no significance as a family name to me. I've always identified more with my mom's maiden name, because I actually know and interact with my mom's family. ______son holds more meaning as a family identifier to me than O'________. But my parents are going to divorce once my youngest sister finished high school, and my mom is going to change back to her maiden name. And though I'm closer to my mom's family than my dad's, I'm much closer to my dad than my mom. So I feel like taking her name would be a slap in the face for him, which I don't want. But I want to love my name, because I think names are so cool and important and wonderful and even before I knew I was trans I was fascinated with names and wanted to change mine to something I actually felt represented me. I've never liked any part of my name. So I think, maybe the Swedish equivalent of my current last name? But then it feels once again like maybe I'm just being pretentious, like it's silly of me to just choose a completely new last name, especially one of a distinct origin that's clearly different from my current one. And maybe it would hurt my dad if I change my last name at all, I don't know.

I just don't know. I don't know what to do. This is so much longer and more rambling than I originally was planning on it being, and it went in a direction I wasn't expecting. I'm sorry, I really am, but please help me untangle this. I want a name that really reflects my identity, a name that feels personal to me and not one-size-fits all, but I just don't know who I am or who I could potentially be. I don't want to be pretentious, I don't want to come off as try-hard, I don't want people to make snide comments about my name change behind my back, I don't want to offend my family, but I want something that's me and I feel like I just can't find a name that's everything I need it to be.

Have you tried looking at any baby name websites? There are tons of them out there, and you can filter through things like origin or meaning. Maybe you can find something that integrates a few different things that are important to you. You also may want to consider whether or not you want to keep your initials.

Don't feel like you need to apologize, I think it's good that you're putting so much thought into your name. After all, you're pretty much gonna be stuck with it for the rest of your life. (obviously there's the opportunity to change it again, but who wants to go through that whole process twice?) I myself felt rushed into the name change process and didn't take a lot of these things into consideration, so I ended up with something I'm not completely in love with and I regret it all the time.

I've been looking through baby naming sites and books for three years. I have a little notebook that I write names in when I find ones that I like, but it's been a while since I've found anything new and usable. It feels like I've seen and considered every possible name, you know? I know what names I like, I just struggle to find names that I would actually feel completely comfortable using, because I'm so concerned not just with whether or not I like the name but also with whether or not everyone around me will like or at least accept/approve it it. I kind of wish I could just not care, but when it comes down to it, I don't live in a bubble. It would hurt my feelings for my family to deride my name; I don't want new people I meet to immediately write me off because of what my name implies about me; I don't want a name so out there that it hurts my job prospects. My name is in a lot of ways my first impression, so it's not just about what I think of it, it's also about how other people are going to react to it.

My initials are another thing I'm worried about that I didn't mention in the main post for fear of it getting too long. My given name and all three of my siblings' given names start with K. There's not exactly a wealth of boy names that start with K that aren't 1) uncle names like Keith and Kenneth or 2) currently popular for babies (mostly Irish names that are supposed to be spelled with a C, like Ciaran ----> Kiaran, or anglicizations like Cianan ----> Keenan.) I feel bad breaking the tradition, but I just don't like K names.  And then my middle name is very distinctly feminine, but it's also the name of my mother's sister who died before I was born. I've considered using a masculine middle name with the same first letter, but even that feels disrespectful, so I feel like maybe I should do masc. first name, masc. middle name, fem. current middle name, last name, so that I keep it officially but have a different middle name to use on most forms and stuff, but I'm just not sure.

Thanks for that though, good to know I'm not ridiculously overthinking it.

Have you tried these?

KAI
KYLE
KURT
KIRK
KEANU

I have, not a fan.

There are lots here, maybe one will jump right out at you.
http://www.babynamewizard.com/baby-name/boy/K

I've already looked. I've been looking for three years, and I've certainly included K names in my searches. I'd love to find a K name, but it's far from my top priority at this point, mostly just something I feel guilty about.

Quote from: solinvictus on October 13, 2015, 07:16:28 PM
      I want a name that really reflects my identity, a name that feels personal to me and not one-size-fits all, but I just don't know who I am or who I could potentially be.

You will become whoever you are...regardless of your name.  You may be assigning value to a name, when it is, really,... just a name.  It is YOU that has value, purpose, character, and identity.

You may get to the point where you hear a name - and it just feels like it's supposed to be yours.
Anyway, you may consider finding a name that's more of one of the things you've said you wanted. For example, it may be a swedish name, derived from latin that as a "natural" meaning (and maybe is russian too, since some names are shared by more languages.) A thing on latin names: I speak for myself only, but as an italian who was born and raised in Italy, I don't feel like it's cultural appropriation. Modern italians aren't ancient romans. Kids in Rome now are more likely to be called Lorenzo than Marcus Aurelius, because Lorenzo is very popular and only latin teachers in university would call their child Marcus Aurelius. So latin names are ours just as much as their yours - they're everyone's. Also, some latin names are used in english, but not in italian (Marcus is one of them) because we translate them (Marcus Aurelius becomes Marco Aurelio) and you don't. So, I'd say using latin names isn't "cultural appropriation" at all, as Ancient Rome no longer exists. Also, I wouldn't be so sure you can't trace ancestors to the Roman Empire, they may have been someone (but that's not important anyway.)
I know the name is important, but try not to thing too much about it. Think about it, think of names that feel like "you", but don't get stressed about it. And good luck in finding the right one.

How about Tobias, Toby, Mikleo, Vincent or Ice?

One thing I think you should remember is that you're choosing this name for yourself. You may feel bad for picking something that isn't ideal for say, your family, but you're the one that's going to be going by this name so what really matters in the end is what you're happy with. If you have a few names you like but aren't set on one, try having a few close friends call you one name for a while, and see how you like it. If you don't, try another name.

I suppose you should be careful about some aspects of name choosing. Some names might be so unique they draw a lot of attention and not everyone wants to draw that to themselves if they are trying to pass and appear as regular as possible. Sometimes names that point to a certain ethnicity may or may not be favorable depending on how friendly the people are to it where you live, etc. If you live in an accepting environment, I guess it's no issue.

A name like Ignatius is going to stand out. You're probably going to have to spell it out for just about everyone you meet, because they probably won't know how to write it. If you're ok with having an unusual name and doing that (it can be a conversation starter) then great, go for it. Just pick something you like and relates to you.

I've considered the same things as you. In the end, our parents didn't know anything at all about us as individuals, right? They actually were clueless about if our names would actually fit us. So they selected how they selected.

We can't control what others think. I think it is most important to select a name that you feel connected to, connected in any way that's meaningful to you. When you hear it it will feel right and you'll know it.

Just my 2 cents


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I felt guilty for a while about changing my name because that was the name my parents wanted for me but I am over that now.  This is my life and a name change really shouldnt affect anyone elses life. I struggled for a while thinking I needed an obviously male name and that I needed to keep my initials but I couldn't find a name that felt like me.  I ended up just going for the masc version of my name which is Lane Don.  I dont know that if that is possible for you?  I guess everyone is different but I think it would be hard to find a name that you think is a perfect fit.  I feel like one would have to pick a name they like and then overtime it will eventually feel like that was always your name.

You aren't being pretentious.  You're thinking all the same things that parents do when they name their kids.  Remember that names have power^*, and the name you pick will affect how people perceive you and how you perceive yourself.  I've had trouble with selecting a name, and I'm in this weird state where some of my friends call me Kelly, my wife calls me Rose, and everybody else calls me by my boy name.  I'm actually thinking of changing my middle name to Rose and sticking with my boy first name... this makes sense to me 'cause I'm nonbinary.

Looking over Swedish boy names, I find Greger: "awake" or "watchful".  As an academic and an outdoorsperson, this speaks to me.  You can anglify it to Greg or Gregory.  Also, I see Jerk.  Don't pick that one.    Also, I see Peder "rock"... fits into russian and christian contexts with slight spelling changes.

Eventually, the first thing I gave up on was picking a name that nobody I knew had.  All the good names are taken by somebody.  You can be the only person to be named Kenilworth this century.  But then you will sound pretentious!

^* I mean this in an entirely concrete, non-mystical way.

The way I found to honor my family and our heritage was to let my mother pick my middle name. She chose Andrew, because it's the Anglicization of her father's name, Anders. He came from Sweden. It's also the Anglicization of my dad's beloved grandfather's name, Andreas. He was German.

It's not my first choice for a middle name, but it means so much to my family.