So, I was kind of hoping that my body's response to HRT would align favourably with the average experience so that my laser hair removal, fat redistribution, head hair length and breast growth would all coincide for the ultimately efficient transition. But it didn't quite work out that way and I don't really know what the best approach would be right now.. as I am literally in between boy and girl mode. What did you all do?

If I am in boy mode, my breast buds are clearly too large to be normal and I have had numerous people comment on them so far. My head hair is almost shoulder length and quite feminine and all the nail polish, jewellery and pristine skin is almost in itself, a dead give away. While in girl mode, my breasts are too small to really be breasts and my lingering 5pm shadow of a shadow completely betrays my true gender identity.

I feel like I am trapped in purgatory while on my way from hell to heaven. Argh!

Yes we've all been there... Back in my day I had no one to ask, so I just did what I wanted, and transitioned to full-time immediately and toughed it out over the facial hair.

The way I figured it the sooner I was fully transitioned the sooner I could get GCS, which was the only thing which mattered. So I just said "to hell with it! Everyone will know anyway so who cares?" It was ok - getting outted and ridiculed in the local press wasnt fun but the rest I'd do again exactly the same way tomorrow.

Realistically its a short term problem and people thankfully have short memories... You'll be a bit of an oddity fror a few months and then one day you'll realise they've all forgotten. Thats what happened to me.

I'm one who believes that successful transition needs planning.  Doing hormones is just the beginning, but it will take you only so far.  Electrolysis, hair transplants, breast augmentation, facial surgery, and maybe even GRS are usually needed to correct a masculinized body.  Then, you have to correct that deep voice and learn the mannerisms of women.  Either that, or say to hell with it, and just be yourself. 

Quote from: Clara Kay on October 16, 2015, 11:16:22 AM
Electrolysis, hair transplants..

These are so important to get done before you transition.  Electrolysis/Laser can take 1.5 - 2 years to finish.  The same with hair transplants.. you practically have to shave your head when it happens, and spend another 2 years growing your hair long (again! if you had it long before).

Getting laser hair removal/electrolysis (and hair transplants if you need them) at least 1 year before you plan to go part-time/full-time, and it will be a lot easier.

Nothing to do but press on.

I don't believe in waiting for electro/laser. You can do it simultaneously. I did.  I was absolutely NOT waiting 1-2 years before I could start HRT or go full time. I would have probably walked into traffic or something. But here I am, full time, with 5-6 sessions of laser ahead of me.

Shadow is manageable with the right makeup, and some girls do have shadow.

But a big part of transition I feel is simply accepting what you can't change. My bone structure isn't changing, there is only so much I can do without FFS (which I may or may not have) and socially I have a whole life as a man behind me. So what do I do? I accept.

Many times I thought I was (and still am) in an in between but that is not the case. Somehow I pass and somehow people refer to me affirmatively with feminine pronouns. This is even though my self image is that of a freak at times...

food for thought

I haven't really focused on the physical aspects of transition much at all.  No transplants yet.  No laser yet.  I am on hrt and it is helping, but the emotional transition is what I have focused on.  Concepts of empathy, love.  Getting in touch with my own desires and emotions.  Dealing with all the anger and resentment that led me to drink and act out.  Changing my heart and allowing myself to open up to people.  To trust again.  To let people get to know me as me has done wonders.  Being honest.  I have found building relationships with cis and trans women and learning to fit in has been a tremendous help. 

Looks fade.  To focus on the superficial is the last step IMHO.

Before starting laser/electrolysis you better wait to start HRT cause it's gonna be way more effective. The problem is that Testosterone counter the weakening of the hairs, it does works but slower and "less permanent ".

You will save money and pain if you wait after HRT or a little bit of time if you start before.

QuoteIf I am in boy mode, my breast buds are clearly too large to be normal

I used a sports bra.

Quotemy breasts are too small to really be breasts

I've dated cis girls that had no breasts

Quotelingering 5pm shadow of a shadow completely betrays my true gender identity

Ugh, I hate this one. Mad makeup skills until hair removal is finished. There are tutorials on youtube. Pinks in concealer help to neutralize the dark areas. Personally I use Benefit's Erase Paste concealer and Hello Flawless powder.

QuoteMy head hair is almost shoulder length and quite feminine and all the nail polish, jewellery and pristine skin is almost in itself, a dead give away

From your avatar, I don't see why you would want to boy mode

QuoteI feel like I am trapped in purgatory while on my way from hell to heaven. Argh!

And it's been the only thing worth the trip through hell for me.

I don't know really, I wore a lot of baggy clothes and was somewhat agoraphobic until I reached my frak-it point and went full time. I still got ma'am'ed, miss'ed and sir'ed about equally when I went for it.
Yellows in foundation work well to mask shadow because yellow is the color opposite of blue (the color of your facial hair under your skin).
You can wear your hair in a hat and sports bras + baggy clothes to go in boy mode. There are other ways to style your hair like a low pony tail that are more masculine.
Breast forms are relatively inexpensive, and there's also miracle bras.
Lastly, get out of your head. There's always going to be small things you aren't doing perfect. Let it go, enjoy being yourself. Your transition is for you, not every Cis person around you. Focus on being happy and Frak haters.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

*

Ofelia:

You appear fine as female in your photograph.  You are ready for full-time female.

By what you posted, I am understanding that your current transition is leaving part-time male behind as you are moving part-time toward female full-time forever depending upon what you are doing - work - school - friendships - etc.  That was my transition.

As iKate posted, you can do it all during transition.  There is no point waiting.  Whether I presented as either male or female, I learned how passing was in presenting.

I wore T-shirts underneath my baggy, over-sized men's business office shirts to help cover my nearly 'C' chest - though probably not very well - while presenting as male at work.  My attire was otherwise uni-sex female jeans, shoes, tops.

I plucked my facial hair - it took about an hour each evening while watching TV - while also doing electrolysis (one-hour sessions once or twice per month for a few years) that combined to keep my face clean from shadow and not require heavy face make-up.  Plucking damaged the follicle root and thus made electrolysis easier.

I recently learned the term 'male fail'; looking back that's where I was the last few years of my transition.  I was not aware that I was far more advanced to female than as I imagined in my mind.  Katie is so correct - the force holding you back is the doubt in your head.

I made my clean break with only one regret - that I could have done it better and sooner.

*

Quote from: liz on October 16, 2015, 10:34:51 PM
Before starting laser/electrolysis you better wait to start HRT cause it's gonna be way more effective. The problem is that Testosterone counter the weakening of the hairs, it does works but slower and "less permanent ".

You will save money and pain if you wait after HRT or a little bit of time if you start before.

It really doesn't matter because you're not getting back male T levels once you start unless you stop HRT. And as I said, a year or two is a long time to wait. I was feeling literally ill and suicidal before I started HRT. I had a thick beard and it worked out fine for me simultaneously doing HRT and electro/laser.

To be honest I just jumped in to full time, pre everything. It was hard and I faced ridicule but I think it toughened me up for my future. I have had the worst of it now. I wore all female clothing from the get go but androgynous leaning clothing. People could see I was gender variant  and that was enough of a starting point, they knew I wasn't male. It gave me the joy of not having to hide anymore. I have focused on what makes me feel better instead of what society expects to see.

I didn't start electrolysis until three or so months into hrt. I also have let my slowly reversing hair loss be plainly visible. I have found the most comfort in accepting that I am visibly in between genders. I have actually gotten quite comfy. I am a woman, just not the standard model. Not feeling like I have anything to hide is the most freeing thing. I don't use the ladies room because I pass. I use it because I am a woman and that is where women pee. I have been clocked in there. On electrolysis day with three days growth on my face. But I didn't react to their double take and checking to make sure we were in the ladies room. I acted as I belonged because I do. So they went about their business.k

Confidence and self respect are what matters, that is what the world will see the most. Be you. Do what feels right when it feels right. No one can tell you the best way for you to transition. And from a butch woman to a femme...you look beautiful already.

Quote from: Oliviah on October 16, 2015, 12:20:37 PM
I haven't really focused on the physical aspects of transition much at all.  No transplants yet.  No laser yet.  I am on hrt and it is helping, but the emotional transition is what I have focused on.  Concepts of empathy, love.  Getting in touch with my own desires and emotions.  Dealing with all the anger and resentment that led me to drink and act out.  Changing my heart and allowing myself to open up to people.  To trust again.  To let people get to know me as me has done wonders.  Being honest.  I have found building relationships with cis and trans women and learning to fit in has been a tremendous help. 

Looks fade.  To focus on the superficial is the last step IMHO.

This is truth, focus on making your inner light glow, soon enough the world will see it and recognize its radiance!

It is my goal to come out of this not just more femme but a happier and more complete human being. I want to be fully me and see what potential I have!

Thank you all for the lovely compliments and even more so, the constructive contributions to the conversation. I love the fact that so many of you were confident enough to just pick up who you were and run with it. Sadly, I am the hesitant, planning type of personality who needs to see everything out in front of me before I can confidently approach a situation. I suppose that is exactly why this question came up in the first place.

I have made it past the point of realising who I am, and then past the point of realising that it is more important to care for myself rather than strangers, and now I am at the point of hoping that others will be able to see me as I see myself - so that finally, everything will be as it should have been in the first place. But I think that Abby had it right, in that relying on a sports bra until laser does it's job will be the way to go... then... finally... my world can be at peace.

On a side note, my God my nipples were so itchy today!! Has anyone come up with a good solution for this?!

Quote from: Obfuskatie on October 17, 2015, 12:19:16 AM
Lastly, get out of your head. There's always going to be small things you aren't doing perfect. Let it go, enjoy being yourself. Your transition is for you, not every Cis person around you. Focus on being happy and Frak haters.

<3 This. I think I need this affirmation on the ceiling above my bed!

Quote from: Ofelia on October 23, 2015, 10:44:14 AM
<3 This. I think I need this affirmation on the ceiling above my bed!

Glad I could help ;-)


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Ofelia on October 23, 2015, 10:40:04 AM
Thank you all for the lovely compliments and even more so, the constructive contributions to the conversation. I love the fact that so many of you were confident enough to just pick up who you were and run with it. Sadly, I am the hesitant, planning type of personality who needs to see everything out in front of me before I can confidently approach a situation. I suppose that is exactly why this question came up in the first place.

I have made it past the point of realising who I am, and then past the point of realising that it is more important to care for myself rather than strangers, and now I am at the point of hoping that others will be able to see me as I see myself - so that finally, everything will be as it should have been in the first place. But I think that Abby had it right, in that relying on a sports bra until laser does it's job will be the way to go... then... finally... my world can be at peace.

On a side note, my God my nipples were so itchy today!! Has anyone come up with a good solution for this?!

Moisturizer.   Mine itch like crazy if they get too dry.  As for your original post.. You're 3 months in.  Don't worry 'bout it!  Give it another 9.

I'm 7 months on HRT,and about 3 months fulltime. But I started hair removal a year ago. I couldn't have gone full-time if i didn't put a decent dent into the facial hair removal process. I was just way too self conscious. I would say if you are bothered by it, get it to a more manageable level and then determine if going full-time is right.

Also when I went full time i barely had A cups and even now i just barely fill out an A cup bra. Just wear the bra anyways, and get a padded bra. You don't need insane cleavage to create the appearance of decently formed breasts. Even try a push-up bra to push up whatever tissue you have so far.

just my 2 cents on those topics.

What is the hardest part about transition? It is going from fear to courage. From shame to pride. From boo hoo woe is me to woe to the people who hate me. From I can't, to I will. Transitioning your attitude is the hardest part by far.

Quote from: Oliviah on October 24, 2015, 10:32:28 AM
What is the hardest part about transition? It is going from fear to courage. From shame to pride. From boo hoo woe is me to woe to the people who hate me. From I can't, to I will. Transitioning your attitude is the hardest part by far.

I can not agree more. This is by far the most difficult aspect for me.

As I sit here getting wasted after the millionth fight with my wife.  I understand I am never going to fit in.

I am getting wasted at whole foods.

I just don't care.

Meh life is meaningless.

My wife said we should kill ourselves today.

Yeah I agree.