I'm just kinda upset with myself that I threw twenty years of my life down the toilet trying to force myself to be a guy, when I've known I'm a girl since I was 5, and when trying to be a guy never worked for me, not once.

I grew up without any friends at all because I couldn't socially function as male, at all, and I was really self conscious and ashamed of myself; and I live in a homophobic town, so because I was feminine, I was percieved as a gay man and shunned and ostracized from age seven up to this year, before my appearance got feminized a bit.

I didn't get to have sleepovers as a kid, I didn't get to grow up as a girl, I didn't have people coming to see me on my birthday, I didn't have brothers or sisters, I didn't go to the zoo or ever have anyone to play with, I was never invited to parties or to people's houses or anything, or have any of the basic experiences people have during childhood and in their teen years. I literally spent the first twenty years of my life holed up in my house playing video games and watching tv whenever I wasn't at school. That's all I really did.

How do I get over that? Dx I mean it isn't making me like depressed or anything, but it really sucks. It's like the first twenty years of my life was a whole lot of nothing.

And when you have no friends at all where you live, it's just about impossible to meet people. It's like moving to a new place where you don't know anyone and have no way to get out.

Idk.

I really don't mean to depress anyone but I'm wondering how to deal with this and how common my situation is.

Did anyone else on here grow up without even a basic childhood or any friends at all, whether you were raised as a boy or a girl?

As someone who had a shot at transition twenty years ago but then dove into denial, the issue of regret could have been doubled down for me. When I finally decided to go ahead at age 47 I could have been angry, depressed, upset, morose, etc about all those "lost years" but I chose not to be. I live in the present not the past, I can't change the past but I'm going to make damn sure my future isn't ruled by "could've/should've/would've" and I live every current day for all it's worth. How did I get over it? It took some therapy and self realisation and meditation but in the end I just let it go. Why grasp nettles when doing so hurts like crazy? The same applies to holding onto regrets.

Agreed. I transitioned at 28.

At some point, you gotta try to let go of the old and move on with the new. Do what feels good. Think positive. Keep on trucking.

You can dwell on the negative and all that you've missed or you can STOP, pick yourself up, and move forward and enjoy what life you have left (cuz there's a lot of it!).

My life story has a lot of similarities to yours, except add another five years of repression and denial. -_- I had few friends, was often viewed as being weird or effeminate, spent most of my childhood watching TV or playing games. In my teenage years I was somewhat successful at fitting in, but only with nerdy kids, and even then I was constantly suffering from dysphoria in the background, along with a crippling sleep disorder. After it all became too much I dropped out of college and just lived as a shut in for years. It's hard for me to think about, and even harder when I think how much better things could have been if I'd been living that time as a girl. Nothing can change the past, but as Ms. Grace said, it's better to just let it go. Your past is in your past, but your future is the life you still have the chance to live. Also, you have to admit there have been some pretty great video games released in the past 20 years, so it's not all bad.

Reading your story almost brought a tear to my eye.  I am sorry that happened, and unfortunately it happens to all too many people.  One thing to keep in mind: No matter how bad your past was, it always could have been worse, so try to be thankful that it was not worse.  Try to look at it as a glass half full instead of half empty.

While you cannot ignore or forget the past, look on to the future and have confidence that it will be better.

Quote from: PsychedelicSage on October 16, 2015, 04:08:56 PM
How do I get over that?

Did anyone else on here grow up without even a basic childhood or any friends at all, whether you were raised as a boy or a girl?

I think my childhood would have been a lot easier if I had been raised a girl. OTOH, I think I turned out to be a terrific person, and my childhood, imperfect as it was, was a part of that. To reject the past that made me who I am is to reject myself.

The key is to love yourself exactly the way you are (even if there are changes you know have to be made). Get in touch with the joy you bring other people. Look at yourself the way a best friend would look at you and appreciate all the wonderful things about you. If all else fails, pray to be able to accept yourself as a beautiful, wonderful, amazing child of the universe. (If, like me, you're not sure about God, you can pray to your inner strength. I find it works just as well).

Hugs, Sage. I hope this helps. It's not much but it's what I've got.

I, too, look back at the last 20 years as wasted since I backed out of transitioning at 20. I'm 40 now and starting transition, and I instead try and look forward to the next 20 years living as myself.

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk

Been there, done that.

I wasted 36 years of my life too.

I wouldn't say wasted because I got 3 wonderful, loving kids out of it, and that kind of helped because maybe my daughters will show me somewhat what I would have looked like if I was a cisgender woman.

Nothing you can do but forge ahead.

Quote from: iKate on October 16, 2015, 06:37:56 PM
...what I would have looked like if I was a cisgender woman.

Kinda like your avatar?

Quote from: Jill F on October 16, 2015, 06:40:13 PM
Kinda like your avatar?

Thanks Jill.

Thanks all 

Idk I guess my biggest issue is, it's a million times harder to make friends as an adult, and there are no fun things like dances for adults.. and I'm not talking about the hoity toity rich-people-fests full of spoiled people who don't know how to have fun xD
I'm afraid to go to bars because I can't afford to legally change my name (considering I would either be laughed out of the bar or attacked, even in a lesbian bar. My drivers license pic is from high school and looks extremely masculine). And there really isn't anything very fun for adults,, especially adults who have literally nobody to hang out with and nowhere to get out to.

I'm in college and I'm living it as female so at least some of my education is a positive experience. But I just don't know how to like socialize with people I've never spoken to lmao.

I'm not exactly sure how a best friend would see me since I've never had anything remotely close to a best friend xD

And my social skills are kinda underdeveloped outside of a work environment on account of my negative school situations before, so I have no clue how to talk to someone I don't know/hasn't talked to me first.

As Grace said earlier, there's not a lot we can do to change the past. There's an awful lot of people on this site who can think of many "wasted years" - but what we need to focus on is how we make the best shot at life from where we are now.

College is one of the best places to meet new people - because most of the people there are likely to be in the same boat of not knowing many if any people. I understand your worries about socialising - but you just have to give it a go. Sure, we can fall flat on our faces at times, but in fact it is surprising how much people do like to get on with others....when the opportunity arises. The main thing is not to be over self-conscious- give yourself a chance, and I expect others will too.

Good luck for the future - and I hope you find fulfilment! 

Well, cis gender people have these problems too. Being socially awkward isn't the sole domain of trans people. That said it isn't uncommon to feel socially isolated since many of us found it difficult to socialise within our assigned gender groups. That was me, and I was a bit of an introvert who found it hard to find my social niche. Problem is, the more you fret about it the harder it can be to overcome. My first two years at university were an utter write off, but I turned that around when I decided to be more approachable, more confident, more positive and less worried about what other people thought of me. You're at college, I don't know your study, living, class arrangements but surely there must be other students or student groups you can connect with? Don't be focused on getting a "best friend", work on building up your occassional acquaintances into people you might have a coffee with every now and then. Friendship takes work, rarely does it happen as easily as others make it appear. Just be yourself and be friendly. Friendship follows.

well, I wasted 60 years, so I can do one of two things, walk in front of the rush hour express train or live what's left of my life happy. I've chosen to be happy.

I don't think you can really get over something like that if it bothers you, but you can work around to make it bother you less.

I was always aware of being unhappy in life, even as a kid. I was in a ->-bleeped-<-ty town, in a ->-bleeped-<-ty house, with parents who drove me crazy with their fighting and drinking, in a ->-bleeped-<-ty school and with ->-bleeped-<-ty social skills, etc. How did I deal with the fact it felt like every moment ticking by was a waste and could have been something better...? The minute I got my freedom as an adult I went out there and started exploring what I wanted to do. Every day practically I would tell myself, "I'm starting over. Forget the past, forget yesterday, start again. This is how I'm going to live my life and who I am." I did this countless times. Every time life started to feel bad, I'd start over and try harder. Eventually this shedding skin mentality became my way of dealing.

I know I can't go back and get those lost years, but I'm still the same person in my head I always was only older, wiser, more confident, more awesome. You might as well think the same. Life is just a stream of consciousness from one state and situation to another and it'll never be perfect, but learning to enjoy each moment is the key. Start over any time you want and say to yourself "this is the first day of the rest of my life, and I'm going to pursue the things in life I want, and it's going to be done my way." 

In the end I came not to care about those wasted years and I feel differently about time itself. I get the most out of each moment, good or bad. I did grow up exactly who I was in my own head and nobody can take that away, I am the person I want to be now and nobody can take that away. You'll get there too I am sure.

What a sad but a good question to those who keep living in the past like myself. I also wasted more than a decade of my so called life when I should have just taken the steps towards the surgeries I knew I needed  ALL ON MY OWN. I have no friends in real life for this very reason and will keep it that way since they will never know me as a real male. Just like PsychedelicSage, I did nothing fun like all the other kids (of any genders, because I didn't fit into any) because I was too busy battling the puberty of my metamorphosis. Thinking about the trashed life does absolutely no good and I know because I literally cry every single day.
I know it's stupid to be sad every single day because who knows what's going on inside my physical body such as my immune system from the mental distress I suffer with. I try but it's hard to stop the tears when they start. I try my VERY best to focus on things I love.

I can very much relate to your story except I mostly lived as male for 40 years and
only recently came out to my family and started down the road to something that makes
me sane. As a teenager I was totally confused about attraction and relationships so
that I had almost no friends (or girl friends). I guess I never really fit in.  I had seen myself
as girl since I was about 3 but it was difficult growing up in the 60's and 70's to try and change.
I look back at all the time wasted as male and it gets me down but I remind myself that
I have two wonderful daughters and an amazing wife, and I can't change what happened growing
up and need to move forward and not dwell on the past (hard at times). You'll have to let
the regrets go and time with a therapist will probably help.  By the way, you look wonderful

Kath

As in MsGrace's case I too TWICE experimented with transitioning in my early twenties and then spent 30 years trying to live as what I thought a "Guy" should be.

I also spent all that time living and learning. Being in the world. Growing as a person. Along the way, unknowingly,  picking up a nugget here and a nugget there that eventually led to me having the strength, the will, and some of the where with all to even dare to once again think about, much less actually start down the road of transitioning... AGAIN.

I cannot now consider that part of my life a waste. It is a part of who I am today