Hey guys, I on a cross road in my life I lived the last 27 years of my life as male got married had a child and tried my best to cope with GD. I knew I was a girl from a very young age and can recall this feeling all my life. This caused me great misery and depression in my life. As a teenager I tried to castrate myself many times wanting the effects of testo to stop because like most boys the stuff that was happening was not for me I was a girl inside. In desperateness I injected my unit with battery acid trying to force my parents to let me transition. The doctors rescued the damn thing after many months of pain.

I went to a psychologist that told my father I need a father figure because I stayed with my mother and I had to go live with my father.He was hard on me trying to turn me into a man. They believed it was just a phase. I planned to get a job over sees and transition to female over there and come back as my real self. Then I met a girl that became my wife I kept my secret and we got married. During our relationship of 10 years the cracks started to show. I wanted to wear makeup and groom myself more than most men in our culture. I shaved all my body hair from about 16 years old so she was used to it. I wanted to wear my hair long also. I wanted to wear makeup in public this just felt natural to me and caused months of fighting. She also believe mens should have short hair. This was also many months of fighting. I wanted to wear skirts at home and she got really uncomfortable. She could not understand what was wrong with me. I was also in denial and thought it was a phase as I suppressed my GD for so long.

Then it resurfaced and hit me hard. She begged me to tell her what my story is and I told her I am a woman trapped in a mans body. After opening my closed everything just got worse not only did I have to deal with my own grief I had to carry hers also. I suppressed it from there and got two relapses of depression during a period of a year she begged me to go and see someone I told her that would mean the end of our marriage. I then went to a psychologist and the process started. I got on hormones and was on them for 3 months. I stopped them to try and save my marriage. But I feel fake it feels if I am lying to her and to myself and the world of who I am. I walk past a beautiful woman and I don't desire her I want to be her. It brings me sadness and depression to think that I will live like this the rest of my life.

I don't know what to do. We have two psychologists and a psychiatrist telling us our marriage is broken beyond repair. There is just no more trust left. She does not trust me that I won't relapse in the future and I can't promise her that I can. She wants that guarantee that I won't relapse and transition again. I still love her. I don't want to let my family down. But how do you get intimacy back and all those things if trust is gone.

I am scared of relapsing myself.The more I try to stay a man and be manly the worse it gets. Both our logic is saying it is not going to work but our hearts can't let go. Can you really fight of GD your whole life and live a happy life or will it get the better of you and come hunt you down and make transition is inevitable.

I thought I could - after abandoning an attempt at transition in 1991 I took a second dip in 2013. I don't see it as a relapse... more like finally stopping the self torture and lies.

Amore'

Your history sounds similar in ways to mine. I fought for ever. But in the end I realised that I was fighting an impossibility; I'm a woman and not a man.

My choice ended up being quite simple - and sadly not uncommon. I will drink myself to an early death or I will be me.

I chose to be me.

This is a hard road but not an impossible one.

Somewhere and somehow I made the decision that I had a right to life. I now have life. I have a family (who accepts even if they do not understand) and I am happy. My family is so glad to see me happy! I think they also are quite glad that I am alive

Dear Amore:

There's no easy or single answer.  You'll find many others, myself included, who were in denial episodically.  I wish I knew what to say that would be immediately relieving and uplifting . . . I don't.  That's the reality it seems for a while; how long is largely up to you.

If that sounds harsh I say it from experience and with the deepest empathy I am capable of, for the place you are at was my zip code too.  In the end I listened to my therapist, psychiatrist, and endo.  Life moved on and after crying for every night for over a year I slowly clawed out of that place.  The good news was as soon as I started it got better very quickly, and I noticed that when I felt guilty and a failure that it had little to do with life that was coming at me as a woman - a life of being me, a woman thank goodness.

During that period I narrowed my options down to taking one little step, emphasis on little, every day.  Occasionally I'd back slide, but in the main there was eventually a path I took to accepting that my life, as it was recreating itself was a sweet, beautiful thing . . . to be lived with peace and joy.  All from taking one step at a time (and recognizing that the past was just that and it would never be a satisfactory substitute for the future).

You are a beautiful person with a mysterious and wonderful gift; it just isn't easy to accept that gift at times early on or ongoingly for that matter - that is until you can claim who you are.  And in closing, it will happen for you - just one little step at time.

Take care and please stay in touch,

Rachel

I have a good 40 years of experience fighting this same battle. Many of them shared with a wife who knew I settled on the label of Cross-Dresser after two earlier (failed) experiments with transitioning.

"ReLapse" is inevitable. Especial while under stress or faced with the excrement hitting the air-handler situation.

Knowing you are trans is one thing. Accepting that you are is a lot different. Shame fed by guilt is a powerful DeMotivator. Being trans does not necessarily means a full physical and social transition is a requirement for a happy life. In fact no one is guaranteed a happy life. Just ask any one of the throngs os depressed cis people out there.

Trans is a spectrum between cis female and cis male. What we each do to manage our particular color or shade is unique, yet similar to many others.

I identify with your story quite well.

My wife and I went to a marriage counselor. She also treats a few trans. After 30 minutes she said we no longer have a marriage and we are room mates and friends and that we should split up. I have a new therapist and 25 minutes into my first session she said I no longer have a marriage and we both deserve to find someone and be happy. This time I realized she is right in that we no longer have a marriage. What we do going forward is unknown. We could stay together, we could separate and stay together or go our separate ways or we could divorce.

The chance of relapse (need to be yourself)  I would rate it very high. Dysphoria gets worse as we age.

What helps keep my GD at bay is living,not hiding. I have lived life as me,the only me I get,I've always dressed gender neutral,the only two male aspects I have is a mustache and a penis,the rest is female,I enjoy living in both worlds even if I don't fit either. My advice is live life too it's fullest and hang on for one hellava ride.


Edit...If me and my wife listened too the nonsense we would never have gotten married,heck a astrology book on birth signs told us we should not marry,well 27 yrs later we're still together.

Quote from: Amoré on October 17, 2015, 02:28:07 AM
Hey guys, I on a cross road in my life I lived the last 27 years of my life as male got married had a child and tried my best to cope with GD. I knew I was a girl from a very young age and can recall this feeling all my life. This caused me great misery and depression in my life. As a teenager I tried to castrate myself many times wanting the effects of testo to stop because like most boys the stuff that was happening was not for me I was a girl inside. In desperateness I injected my unit with battery acid trying to force my parents to let me transition. The doctors rescued the damn thing after many months of pain.

I went to a psychologist that told my father I need a father figure because I stayed with my mother and I had to go live with my father.He was hard on me trying to turn me into a man. They believed it was just a phase. I planned to get a job over sees and transition to female over there and come back as my real self. Then I met a girl that became my wife I kept my secret and we got married. During our relationship of 10 years the cracks started to show. I wanted to wear makeup and groom myself more than most men in our culture. I shaved all my body hair from about 16 years old so she was used to it. I wanted to wear my hair long also. I wanted to wear makeup in public this just felt natural to me and caused months of fighting. She also believe mens should have short hair. This was also many months of fighting. I wanted to wear skirts at home and she got really uncomfortable. She could not understand what was wrong with me. I was also in denial and thought it was a phase as I suppressed my GD for so long.

Then it resurfaced and hit me hard. She begged me to tell her what my story is and I told her I am a woman trapped in a mans body. After opening my closed everything just got worse not only did I have to deal with my own grief I had to carry hers also. I suppressed it from there and got two relapses of depression during a period of a year she begged me to go and see someone I told her that would mean the end of our marriage. I then went to a psychologist and the process started. I got on hormones and was on them for 3 months. I stopped them to try and save my marriage. But I feel fake it feels if I am lying to her and to myself and the world of who I am. I walk past a beautiful woman and I don't desire her I want to be her. It brings me sadness and depression to think that I will live like this the rest of my life.

I don't know what to do. We have two psychologists and a psychiatrist telling us our marriage is broken beyond repair. There is just no more trust left. She does not trust me that I won't relapse in the future and I can't promise her that I can. She wants that guarantee that I won't relapse and transition again. I still love her. I don't want to let my family down. But how do you get intimacy back and all those things if trust is gone.

I am scared of relapsing myself.The more I try to stay a man and be manly the worse it gets. Both our logic is saying it is not going to work but our hearts can't let go. Can you really fight of GD your whole life and live a happy life or will it get the better of you and come hunt you down and make transition is inevitable.

You will relapse.   So of you say you will not you are lying to both yourself and her.

Stop lying decide to be happy come out and get help.

Women have courage.  Find courage.

Be good to yourself and your spouse.

You are trans.  If she doesn't want a trans partner let her be happy.

Let yourself be happy.

Too many in this community wallow in self pity and dred. 

You're not "relapsing;" you're breaking through, like The Doors.

You'll feel so much better after accepting yourself. Here, he's a bunch of us queers at a queer punk show. It was hands-down THE most empowering thing I'd ever seen in my life. Maybe you'll catch some of what I got.

Thanx for all the feedback.

From what I understand relapsing is inevitable. I have clinical depression and anxiety also. That is just throwing more fuel on the fire. It seems that most of the trans people I know opted for transition and I guess wish they have done so earlier. I wish that my marriage can survive transition but my wife is not bisexual so the biggest boundary for me is letting go if I want to go down that road. The only reason that I will go down the transition road again is to get the noise out of my head and if it can make me a better person and parent. I need to find courage.

The problem is I can't transition even socially because my wife is very conservative and grounded she wants to be normal and viewed as a normal couple so I'm expected to play the part of my assigned sex. It is fine at home and when I am busy but when I am reminded in a way that I am physically male like expected to do a physically demanding task  GD kicks in.

I can relate to much of what you are saying.  My wife is also very conservative thinking and she does not like to see me wearing women's clothing.  When I came out to her she took it extremely hard and cried.  That hurt my feelings too, and since I really do love her, I wanted to try all options to keep us together.

I learned quite a while back that testosterone fueled my GD.  My GP is female, which helps a lot, but she is in a group with a number of male docs.  I know not to be treated by the male docs because they always think I need more T - just the thing I do not need or want.

One thing that has helped me a lot was that I had an orchiectomy.  You can't believe how much better I feel since then.  I'm currently not on E but instead take a low dose T.  It is enough to feel somewhat manly, but low enough to keep much of my GD suppressed, at least for now.  I'm just buying time, I know.  This has really helped our marriage.  Without it, I think it would be over by now.

I still wear women's clothing every chance I get, but try not to when my wife is around.  That way she is not bothered so much by it.  I realize this is probably only a temporary measure, and I still want to try a low dose E.  But I also know that is something my wife would not want, so I'm hoping things will change over time.

I wish you the best of luck.

never ending cycle of despair . Finally said good bye and found peace.

I can NEVER go back to being him. NEVER. Not even if a gun was being held to my head saying detransition or die. I would tell them pull the trigger. Let me die happy.

Some people do detransition which is why we take it slow, seek therapy and are supervised by doctors, counselors and psychiatrists and do not commit to anything irreversible until we are reasonably sure.