...and now I am getting my butt kicked by dysphoria.

To recap, earlier this year I had the money and motivation to get myself some therapy for the first time in my life and it helped me come to terms with all those feelings I have had most of my life. I want to be female and it is a desire that has caused me pain and grief in ways I am unable to adequately describe to those around me. I eventually realized those negative feelings are what some call dysphoria.

The thing is when I came to this realization, and that my only chance at coming closer to what/who I want to be and shedding the dysphoria was to transition, it was at a time when I had met and started dating the love of my life. After some time and a lot of effort on my part and patience and support on hers I came out to her one weekend. We had quite a rocky road (we told our story on another part of this very site) and while we were both determined to stay together I realized that if I took steps towards transitioning it would mean the slow and painful death of the only relationship I have ever had and the one I want to last the dest of my life. It would also mean I would never be able to start a family with her as I cannot afford to bank the sperm it would take to guarantee the family we often dream of having. I was at a crossroads, one path leading to transition and perhaps some peace from the dysphoria and an existance more like the one I've yearned for since I was young, but also solitude and loneliness... and the other path, life as a loving husband and father with the family and home life I want but also plagued by dysphoria for the rest of my days. I eventually chose the latter. I just couldnt't give up the lady I love and the children we have yet to give life to.

My problem now... and I'm hoping some people can chip in with some helpful advice here... how am I going to cope with the desire to be female and the crappy feelings that go along with not being female? The yearning, depression, severe envy of all women, etc. You know what they are and feel like I would bet. I suffer from them off and on. This summer wasn't too bad but so far this fall has been terrible. I spend my free time reading everything I can from trans people talking about their experiences and looking at photo timelines of people making wonderful transformations into totally passable, and more importantly, happy people. I have gone back to occasional private crossdressing which my girlfriend knows about and is ok with, though at this point in time neither of us are totally comfortable with me being dressed around her which is a problem since we've been living together for months now. The dressing when I can manage it helps but it is too little and too infrequent. I need other ideas for dealing with the dysphoria.
Does anyone have any advice? Or know of anyone who has made the same choice as me and managed to stick by it and have a happy life? I could use some success stories to help me be sure I can make it.

As someone who once came close to transitioning and then chose not to, the only thing that really worked was finding something to totally preoccupy me and to not have a single thing to do with anything remotely trans. It worked for a while but obviously didn't stick!

Quote from: Ms Grace on October 13, 2015, 04:36:25 AM
As someone who once came close to transitioning and then chose not to, the only thing that really worked was finding something to totally preoccupy me and to not have a single thing to do with anything remotely trans. It worked for a while but obviously didn't stick!

You know I have noticed that the times when I am busy with something else are the easiest. I actually feel comfortable since I'm not thinking about all that crap. One thing I have going for me is that I don't have overly strong negative feelings towards being seen as male or my body even, unless I am in some kind of female headspace... then it is quite the opposite case But I suppose more distractions would help. The only problem there is I am a night shift security guard so I end up having quite a lot of time when there isn't much for me to think about other than what happens to be on my mind, and you can guess what that is And it is hard to avoid all things related to ->-bleeped-<- because I have an aunt who came out of the closet a few years ago who I hear about frequently. I am pretty proud of her. She is basically taking on the government legally here in Canada to fight for more equal treatment for trans people when it comes to healthcare. So whether I try to avoid it or not I the topic of trans people and issues will be popping up here and there

Hi Amy,

First of all, congratulations on meeting your true love.  That is a gift not everyone will receive in their lifetime.  The fact that she is so supportive of you makes it a double blessing.

On to your conundrum.  I am in a much different point in my life, and I can only pass along my experience, but perhaps it will give you an option.  Just to give you some background, I decided to transition, or at least explore that option, after 15 years of marriage and two children. My wife wants nothing to do with it (we are separated).  I am terrified my children will reject time if I come out to them.   Yet, I have been tormented with an unrelenting desire to be female since I was a child.  I finally decided it was time for me. I am 58, nearing retirement, and want to be happy in my remaining years.

I started seeing a therapist, and started laser/electrolysis.  I let my hair grow, and got my ears pierced (that was the scariest part of all, worrying about what people would think!). Each little step gave me more courage.  After a year or so, I decided to start hormone therapy.  I have been on hormones about three months now.

Here is the part that may interest you:  After a few days on low-dose estrogen, my dysphoria started to disappear. I was no longer obsessed with being female.  I felt more complete, and happier with myself.  I have to disclose that my libido is near zero, too, but I am now on a transition dose of hormones.

I guess my point is this is not an either/or decision.  It is possible you may able to find a happy medium, keep your girlfriend, and also be comfortable with who you are.  As someone else on the site said, "There are many ways to be transgender."

I hope that helped.

Terri

Your story is similar in many ways to mine when I was younger.  Like Grace said, staying occupied with something, to the point of near OCD, helps. 

What happened to me though was I would go through cycles and the low point at each cycle was lower and longer than the one before.  Finally, although it did take a long time, I reached a low point that felt like complete crushing hopelessness.

I wish I had something more hopeful to offer but if there is a permanent self-fix out there I wasn't able to find it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Amy, I am walking that same tightrope myself, but farther along.  My wife of 15 years loves me and is okay with me being transgender and dressing in private.  Her youngest brother is gay, she has a half sister who is MTF transgender, and her best friend is a very flamboyant gay makeup artist.

However, my wife is very worried about my income and career (self employed attorney) and she will not let me come out in public.

I love her and do not want to lose her, so for now I live like Rappaccini's Daughter, confined to the house and walled gardens when being my true self.

Therapy and low dose hormones are in my near term future, but beyond that, the only way I can go farther is to somehow assure my career and income stream first.  It is unfortunate, but it is what it is.

I have my stealthy little things I do, like shaving off body hair, eyebrow sculpting, nail polish on the toes, wearing Jockey women's panties under my clothes when I am out in the world.  And then there is the fun of shopping for clothes.  I carry pink roller pens with the support breast cancer logo.  I got an aqua colored cell phone case to match the aqua color of some of my favorite Hollister and Aeropostale women's tops.

I have always been an optimist, finding joy in every little positive thing I can do.  And if I have to become Carly one little piece at a time, then that is just what I will do.

Believe me, I feel your pain.

I'm afraid my advice, both as a very young age transitioner and now in later life trainee doctor is that this condition is not one that you can really fight. Basically you have two options, give in gracefully, and find some sort of peace beyond transition, or fight it for a time only to cave in later in life and possibly full of regrets.

That may seem stark but its been true for literally 100% of the many hundreds of trans people that I know. I've never yet met anyone who can look me in the and convince me that they are happy and have fought this off. Then again I'm not infallible and its your life path to choose. I can only speak from my own limited experience which leads me to believe that non transitioning usually means "not yet transitioning". Like I say - only my perspective - and you must be free to make your own evaluation.

I decided too not transition at the age of 17 when I met my future wife,after a 5 yr. separation I told her I was a cross dresser,she was ok with that, but I wasn't, after 11 yrs of secret dressing, it all blew up, I confessed to my wife what was wrong, she is ok with me dressing as long as I don't do hormones or transition, I'm fine with that. In Dec we will be married 27 yrs. and had 3 kids and I wouldn't change anything, but the thing that works for us is we do it together, she helps with my makeup and finding clothes for me that actually look good on me. I love my wife and my life.

My suggestion may not prove helpful. When I transitioned, blockers weren't available and HRT didn't shut down the urges I felt so more or less I was cross living with a somewhat male hormone balance. I ended up with a 2 year RLE and and when the time came for surgery, I felt I could have lived without surgery had it not been available to me. There are people who are comfortable living in the opposite role without surgery. You may also decide after starting a family to go on blockers but not hormones which would help your mind without altering your body. There is no single right answer to your problem, only what you find to be an acceptable solution.

When I was at a similar decision point in my life, I chose to try to be "normal".  I have faked it for 15 years or so, more or less successfully, but it is killing me inside.  I don't see any alternatives at this point except to carry on now with more of the same. 

My advice would be to spare yourself the agony and be who you are.  The dysphoria won't go away.

It's pretty common to find that estrogen makes the dysphoria much less severe, sometimes it disappears nearly completely.  People think they are "cured" and discontinue the estrogen and the dysphoria comes back.

It's a really strange paradox.  Now that I have a very feminine looking body, I find that I don't really mind being male. I wouldn't mind being female either. Gender and Sex just don't seem that important.  Estrogen has profound effects on the body, but the greatest change is in the mind.

This article by MTF psychologist Anne Vitale explains what happened in some cases:

http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm

Quote from: Maybebaby56 on October 13, 2015, 05:50:16 AM
Here is the part that may interest you:  After a few days on low-dose estrogen, my dysphoria started to disappear. I was no longer obsessed with being female.  I felt more complete, and happier with myself.  I have to disclose that my libido is near zero, too, but I am now on a transition dose of hormones.

Amy,
Welcome to my life.  I'm a giant massive man that has lived with the dysphoria my entire life.  From experience, be the woman inside the mans body if that makes sense.  Be kind sensitive and connected.  Do feminine things like shaving your legs, if your SO doesn't like to see you in women's undergarments or dress femme, wear silk boxers, use clear mascara, chap stick for soft supple lips, exfoliate your skin, apply lotion, take long hot baths with candles, get massages, file your nails etc.  I carry a nice leather satchel instead of a wallet. It's more like a purse.  All of this doesn't fix the dysphoria, but it does help keep you more femme feeling which quells the dysphoria.  I've abandoned all of this in the past to embrace my manhood and attempt to snuff the feminine side.  I've discovered that trying to destroy the feminine side is to destroy myself.  So I'm back on eating good food and doing all of the things I've listed.  I hope this helps.

Quote from: Ms Grace on October 13, 2015, 04:36:25 AM
As someone who once came close to transitioning and then chose not to, the only thing that really worked was finding something to totally preoccupy me and to not have a single thing to do with anything remotely trans. It worked for a while but obviously didn't stick!

What I call the 3Ds. Diversions, Distractions and Denial.

I gave up on Denial, AGAIN, 6 years ago and took on the trans beast for real. Prior to that, aside from the 3Ds, I relied on the occasional "Escape" from maleness by cross-dressing. Something my wife also knew about and was uncomfortably supportive of. BTW-her being around on those days also was a total buzz-kill in the romance department for days afterwards thanks to the image of Joanne fresh in her mind.

Six years ago any sort of transition was the absolute last thing on any To-Do list. Been there, tried it twice decades earlier. Job number one was to figure out some way to get these two great aspects of myself to live together at peace inside of me. To shed a lot of the baggage and bad habits that came from NOT handling being trans in a healthier way. The closest support of any kind was 90 miles away. A TG support group which in time led to a T-friendly therapist.

The slow painfull process of healing, of finding peace begun. Thirty years of slowly turning into a miserable, depressed, and angry person began turning around. Much to my wife's joy. Still, dropping the T-Bomb left a lot more damage in its wake that has taken years to put behind us, for the most part.

Again, like Ms Grace, the 3Ds did not stick. The path to self acceptance, to peace, to finding joy, also led to other unexpected and unwanted (at the time) changes.

Unlike Ms Grace, I still live and present primarily as male. For several years I had the opportunity to do otherwise, living part-time as female. I realized my life-long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman (in a small way).

I struggle daily maintaining a balance between all the conflicting needs and wants in my life. As does my wife. 

The only solution is to come out and be happy.  To destroy yourself to make someone else happy in order to cling to liveing in a sad Co dependant spiral that really just wastes years of both your lives.

I have read this same sad tale thread after thread.  This Co dependant fence  sitting has got to be the saddest trans narrative going.

Be out be proud there is no other solution.

this is a rough situation and im sorry that there is no easy answer. i can say that i wasnt able to live with the dysphoria and i had to start transitioning, but everyone is different

i think the advice someone else gave of exploring more feminine-ish types of expressions and accessiories might help. try being a pretty boy. get your eyebrows done (in a clean but not femme-y way), wear fitted clothes, try to smell nice, use nice lotions to make your skin soft, get a nice longer (for a guy) hairstyle, file your nails, get some cute accessory items, get your ears pierced (lots of guys do that), maybe even get a nostril piercing (i did this and it made me feel a lot more feminine, even though ive seen guys with them).

i cant say that these things will make your dysphoria go away, but theyll be non-outing, non-medical forms of expressing femininity, and honestly itll probably make u look rly cute. and maybe itll make you want to transition even more, but maybe itll make you fine with where you are, or at least help you cope. i have no idea, but you might as well try if youve got nothing to lose

I am in a similar situation.  I decided not to transition medically for personal and practical reasons.  But gaygirl420 said some things that I do to help out.

Quote from: gaygirl420 on October 21, 2015, 11:46:41 AM
i think the advice someone else gave of exploring more feminine-ish types of expressions and accessiories might help. try being a pretty boy. get your eyebrows done (in a clean but not femme-y way), wear fitted clothes, try to smell nice, use nice lotions to make your skin soft, get a nice longer (for a guy) hairstyle, file your nails, get some cute accessory items, get your ears pierced (lots of guys do that), maybe even get a nostril piercing (i did this and it made me feel a lot more feminine, even though ive seen guys with them).

Try some of those things out and see how you like doing them.  I found doing my nails, smelling nice, shaving my body hair, putting perfumed lotions on my skin especially my legs made me feel more feminine.  To other people it may not seem that way but to me I really like doing it and makes me feel good which helps dampen the dysphoria.  I would suggest keeping an open mind toward these things.  Don't do them because they are things that females do, but to try it out to see if you like it and how it makes you feel. 

What also helped me is realizing the triggers for my dysphoria and trying to avoid them.  Try to find things not so much as a distraction but make you feel good about yourself. 

Also realize that you are not alone.  It is hard to do in the transgender community when the overwhelming voice in it is about transitioning.  I know for me it tends to make me resentful of the ones that do transition if I let it.  That is why sometimes I have to withdraw before it gets too bad and I lash out.  But try to find people who accept your decision and are supportive to be your support network and you can be the same to them.

What also helps me is realizing that I am not alone in the bigger picture.  That everyone at some level has some part of themselves or their lives that they wish they could change but cannot for some reason.  That they have to deal with the disappointment and negative feelings that comes with that. Ours is gender but someone else could be something else entirely.  In a sense we are all in the same boat just why we are there changes from one person to the next.

I don't think any of these things will completely erase the feelings of dysphoria.  if anything just moderate it to the point that I can live with it.  Maybe for you in whatever way works can reach that point.  I wish you all the best and hope that it works out for you

It's a narrative you'll hear again, and again, and again. The dysphoria will not go away. It may even get worse.

Doing "nothing" won't work. Fighting against dysphoria makes it stronger. So much of our energy goes toward (or against it) that at times it felt like the dysphoria is the strongest, sometimes the only, thing in my mind. Distraction is just as much energy spent on dysphoria, energy spent feeding it.

It's such a powerful thing, so overwhelming, that we so often forget we have gender euphoria too, and it's just as much a part of us as the dysphoria. There are things about being trans that will elate you, things that validate your true gender. Find those, seize and own enough of them and step by step, little by little, we can own both, rather than being overwhelmed by dysphoria. The key is balance.

If your goal is the elimination of dysphoria, everybody here is right, you won't find it. But it doesn't have to disappear for you to be emotionally healthy.

When I found enough of my gender presentation to control the euphoria too, I found a balance where it doesn't overwhelm me, even if it doesn't go away. Possibly I could feel even better if I went "all the way," but there's a lot of reasons I am not willing or able to do so. I have found enough of the balance of both that I am comfortable with who I am. I hope you can too, it's definitely not easy, but neither is transition. And neither are even close to "nothing".

For the love of all that is holy, don't fight it, don't suppress it, don't ignore it. It's a part of us, and does not want to be denied. If we own it, we have a chance. Maybe.

Don't keep it inside. It does want out, but that doesn't have to mean full blown transition, or even HRT, if it's not something you feel you truly need. Only you can truly know. People here are great to talk to, even when some of us walk a very different path.

   I want to thank everyone who offered feedback in this thread, whether it was the kind of response I was hoping to hear or not. I have asked this type of question before and the overwhelming response is always that sooner or later dysphoria will overwhelm me and I will have to do something. I know this is the case with most transgender people who supress their feelings to live a normal life but I have to hold out hope that I have what it takes to get by in the hard times. If I do anything further than occasional private dressing, as in come out or start hormones, I will end up losing my girlfriend (the woman I plan to marry in the not so distant future) and my chance at having the family with her that I want more than anything. So the plan is to strive on and weather the storm using tricks like distractions and private dressing and occasional bouts of body hair removal (as hard as it is with these manly hormones of mine :/). I hope I have the strength to hold it off indefinately, but every time I hear a story of someone who failed and had to transition anyways scares me. It is my hope that there are a decent number of people who are successful in non-transitioning and therefore don't spend time on support sites such as these to provide their experiences. Maybe my dysphoria won't get worse. Maybe I am not as bad off as most people you hear about. I have to hope for something like this, because I won't give up the wife and family I want. I won't give up my future without one hell of a fight.

It is about finding a balance and believe it or not, working with a good therapist can be very helpful.  Each of us has a different set of coping mechanisms that we have used to varying degrees of success.  When it became obvious that my birth sex would not win out, I began to search out a balance to get me through to a time when I could transition.

Over the course of a few decades, direction has solidified and I know what I want and what I need.  I honestly believe that 'transition" is a journey and not just a process.  Discovering you is a huge step, learning where you will go with it is just another step and choosing to make things happen is another.  For me, never was it a race.  This year found me in a very different place than I have ever been and as life evolved...the decision was made.  Do not beat yourself up over thinking it, but accept each phase for what it is.  A learning experience and building block to self realization and expression.

I guess maybe I can chime in as the old lady.  When we married, I was 20 and Miss Dee was 18.  I did explain to her about being trangender shortly after we became engaged and, there was the mandatory, "You'll quit that after we're married," to which I agreed.  A few years of sleepless nights, depression and sneaking into her closet it when she wasn't home.  So then it was, "OK let's get you some things but I don't ever want to see it."  A few more years went by and gradually she thawed to the point of attending Southern Comfort Conference with me.  She loved the formal events at conferences where we both got to wear evening gowns.  I should mention our son was born when she was 19 and around age 25 Miss Dee started having some health problems that have never gone away.  Basically would never have been able to survive without me.  Over the years I don't think she realized how much I was hurting until one night about 15 or 16 years ago when we were talking actually about someone we knew here at Susan's and her transition progress.  All of a sudden I started crying and I'm not talking about a tear or two dripping down.  I'm talking about falling over on the bed bawling my eyes out and trying to explain how much emotional pain I was in.  That's when she finally understood what what I felt inside.  It still hits me occasionally as late as last week and I get a little down.  That's one of the reasons I signed back up here.  I'm going to tell you it will be hard.  There was once when I had my RoadRunner well over 120 mph on the Interstate, seat belt off and wondering if it would hurt when I hit the bridge abutment.   But I thought of how will she and our son live if I do this.  Obviously I didn't.  Anyway, this past June 7th was our 45th anniversary.  She's still the love of my life and my best friend.  It's hard but it can be done.

Bev