Hi, my name is Jamie.

I'm 28 and I live in Arizona, though I'm originally from Virginia. I'm an aspiring paleontologist who's been interested in fossils and prehistory since I was 5, and in my spare time I play tabletop RPGs (mostly Pathfinder, though I've also done a couple different editions of D&D and a little Black Crusade) and video games (mostly classic Nintendo stuff; I'm especially a Legend of Zelda fan).

I know I don't have anything I need to prove, but because of my scientific background and my own uncertainty, I feel like describing all the evidence that led me to this point would help.

I really didn't have an unusual childhood, never played with girls' toys or played dress-up, except that I was never very much into sports. At around 12/13 though, I started noticing both boys and girls were attractive, and I developed a strange but serious thought of wanting to become a girl. I did run across the term "transsexual" back then and wondered whether it might applied to me. I still didn't know that transition was even possible though. I got involved in a conservative Christian youth organization around that same time, though, mostly as a refuge from bullies, and all of that early exploration was quickly buried under a pile of religious shame and forgotten.

When I gradually started leaving that culture, my old thoughts started resurfacing. I came out as bisexual starting in 2009, which my parents were OK with when I told them in 2011, until I started dating a transgender girl shortly afterward. My dad couldn't handle it and avoided her as much as possible, insisting she wasn't really a woman and going out of his way to avoid using pronouns to refer to her. My mom tried to understand, but she was very disconnected emotionally from the situation and I had to actively remind her that we were not just friends. Even when she did acknowledge it, she would use words like "partner" instead of "girlfriend."

A few things that I have noted prior to what I am about to describe:
I have always been a lot more emotional than any other guy I have met, and tend to cry when I'm upset. I literally can't keep that kind of thing bottled up for very long.
I never really got the hang of standing up to pee. I can do it now, but I don't feel comfortable with it and will only do it when there is no other option.
I've always been fascinated by the idea of magically switching sexes.
For many years, I've had a certain fascination with transgender girls, which probably was involved in my decision to date the girl I mentioned before. I couldn't really explain why, but in retrospect it was probably that I secretly admired them for doing what I was afraid to.
I've taken to playing female RPG characters a lot.
Although I have crossdressed very rarely, I have enjoyed it when I had the opportunity. I would still occasionally take one of my mom's bras, stuff it, and put it on though.
One time after I crossdressed for a Halloween event with my school's LGBT club, I noticed that when I looked in the mirror I felt like I wasn't really looking at a crossdressing guy, that instead there was really a girl looking back at me. I just stared for a while, wondering what it meant.

So my joining up here was prompted by several things that all happened in rapid succession.

I decided to shave all my body hair off after a long time of feeling uncomfortable with it. After doing that for a while and liking it, I remembered my crossdressing experience and decided that maybe I could try crossdressing for fun occasionally, and to get to know the girl I'd seen in the mirror a bit more. As I kept the idea on the back burner over the next few weeks, I realized I was starting to question my gender identity. I decided to go for a more androgynous appearance over the next few months and then try presenting as female occasionally to see if I liked it. Eventually, as I continued to explore my identity while trying to get the androgynous look started, I finally wound up asking myself "If you could choose whatever body type you wanted for yourself, with no regard to social pressures, what would it be?"

The answer was almost immediate and not what I expected at all. I would prefer to have a female body.

That admission took me completely by surprise and I started emotionally breaking down. Yet the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true. And all the implications are truly frightening. I'm not sure I could ever tell my parents, for one. They've already heard enough from me including my coming out as bisexual a few years ago that they'll probably see it as a plea for their attention instead. Considering their reactions to my girlfriend four years ago, I expect my dad would definitely take it badly and I'm really afraid of the kinds of things he'd say. I don't know about my mom; she seems more open but she still gave me a hard time back then and I'm not sure I could really count on her.

Also, I was already having issues with starting and maintaining relationships, but now it would be even worse. I can't think of a lot of people who would want to date someone trapped between genders (and who would remain in between even at best; I'm not interested in having SRS). As for having friends, I can think of one or two who would stay,, but I don't know about the rest. My best friend, whom I have known for 17 years, was totally on board with me being bi, but once I had a trans girlfriend he started to waver a bit and told me in private at one point that "she looks like a guy with long hair." I don't honestly know whether that friendship would survive.

Also, regarding other issues, I'm already feeling bad about not dating a lot in the last few years and seeing people younger than me getting married, and I've wasted my time in college to the point where I can't qualify for the master's degree I need in my field. The last thing I need is something else to regret spending the last few years not doing, and this is making me feel like even more of a failure. I had started to think about this when I was around 12-13 and buried it when it started worrying me the first time; if only I had done more then maybe I wouldn't be in this position now. For one, I had a beautiful singing voice up in the soprano range back then, and maybe I could have kept it if I'd followed up on my feelings instead of burying them.

And the worst is that regardless of everything I've mentioned I still have serious doubts. Maybe I've been hanging around and sympathizing with trans people so much that I somehow want to be one of them as a result. Maybe I just find that sort of thing attractive and jumped to the conclusion because of it. My experience definitely doesn't fit the usual pattern since I don't have soul-crushing depression about my body and my childhood was not spent doing feminine things or playing dress-up. I've generally identified more with male characters than female ones. And I'm fine with my current parts and don't have any desire to get SRS done; shouldn't that be suspicious?

I still need to make a decision soon. At 28, I still have time to make some progress if this is indeed me, but I don't want to wait too long. But all of my concerns and doubts are still holding me back, telling me not to do anything rash and that I (correctly) still don't know for sure. In short, I'm completely overwhelmed and scared, my mind feels like it's been shattered into a million pieces, and I don't know a lot of people I can really turn to right now for it.

So that's how I wound up here. Hi everyone.

Also, picture of me, pre-everything, not even trying any female presentation for the moment of course:

Hello Jamie
I'm new here myself, I hope we both find what we're looking for.  I guess I'm the last person here to give advice, but two things I noticed in your post.  You didn't talk about therapy, and you mentioned several times how others (parents and friends) will accept you.  If you're not seeing a therapist, please, strongly consider it.  That was my starting point and the right one can make ALL the difference.  You will have to do the work, but they will help you sort out the issues.  As far as how others accept you, that is, as they say is THEIR problem.  I don't mean to be callous but the only acceptance you need is your own (like I should talk!)  When you start to really accept yourself for who you are, you'll find you won't worry so much about that which you have no control over.   Good Luck, it's a long road, but a beautiful journey.
- Holly

Hi Jamie 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's a few quick links to help you along

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Hugs

V M

Here are some resources that could help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,198096.msg1761785.html#msg1761785


*hugs*

Hi Jamie,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

Glad you have started to search for that inner truth. What you are experiencing at the present is quite normal. Trust me. It is a bit scary at times, but if you're committed to finding the ultimate truth, nothing can go wrong. Being scared at times is not all bad. In fact it is quite healthy. It puts you on notice to check everything, don't take no for an answer, and allows the truth to ring a very positive reassuring note to your inner core. Being a bit scared means you won't be blasé about anything. Use it to your advantage.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Thank you for the welcome, everyone.

Yes, I do intend on seeing a gender therapist, though I'm currently paying off medical bills from last year and I'm still trying to arrange a new insurance plan due to moving recently, so it will be a while before I can get that started.

I just wish that I knew one way or the other so I could figure out where to go from here, honestly. Everything's so confusing right now.

Quote from: Jamie_06 on October 24, 2015, 01:07:23 PM
Thank you for the welcome, everyone.

Yes, I do intend on seeing a gender therapist, though I'm currently paying off medical bills from last year and I'm still trying to arrange a new insurance plan due to moving recently, so it will be a while before I can get that started.

I just wish that I knew one way or the other so I could figure out where to go from here, honestly. Everything's so confusing right now.

You might go to plannedparenthood or a lgbt center.
There might be some counseling there without a fee.

Hi there Jamie,
It's terrifying isn't it? This could change everything but not all negatively.  What if you just went on as you are knowing but not accepting who you are, think what you would lose. My daughter came out the other day at age 13. She's autistic with a social communication disorder, so this was really hard but she had to do it. Like you she'll probably lose her dad but her ability to be herself is the most important thing to her. The road you are on is hard but the rewards are huge. Have faith, talk to a therapist and believe in yourself. You can do it Jamie and if you need support I'm here for you.


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I think I'm figuring out some of how it all fits together. I appear to have had no problems with myself as a child and lived normally until I hit puberty around 12/13; at that point, I found myself getting annoyed and disgusted with the results, and wishing I was going through the female version instead. But I reasoned that there was no possible way to change this and just accepted my fate with a lot of help from religion. Two things broke me out of it: one, I broke up with Christian Fundamentalism over the last 5 years; two, I started meeting people who had been where I was and had transitioned out of it. I realized that there was an alternative to continuing to live like this that would finally give me what I'd really wanted back then, but I have been questioning whether I want it badly enough to risk alienating most of the people around me.

I don't know if puberty-induced dysphoria manifesting as more annoyance than depression is anywhere near the same as knowing something was deeply wrong since birth, or how much it really can be considered transgender.

I'm already freaking out about how I'm going to explain this to everyone. Doesn't help that I only moved to my current area two months ago and a lot of people are still only just getting to know me as a guy. I'm currently managing to progress in my field by volunteering at my local museum and have developed a good working relationship with the staff there over the past month, but imagine the kind of problems that would come up from me telling them "Um, everyone, I'm really a girl."

To be honest, when I started trying to work out what my gender identity really was, I only thought I'd have a little fun in figuring out where I fit in and maybe learn something from it. Instead I got a huge scary mess to deal with.

And the worst part is that some part of me is telling me I'm just making this up in order to feel special or get attention or something.

Hi Jamie,

RULE No 1. Don't worry what everyone else thinks about you. Expend ALL your energy getting yourself right within yourself (ie self acceptance + self confidence = authentic, validated individual with integrity)
Once you're got this down pat the others will hopefully have a modicum of understanding. Those that don't; don't worry, it's there problem, not yours.

RULE No.2 In all cases, rule 1 applies.

Huggs
Catherine

Hi Jamie,

A fellow Arizonan!  I came here from Idaho recently(couldn't get a job there any more, had no other place to stay), but I ended up with a good job here in Tucson.

I had a similarly confusing time, but I simply didn't identify as anything.  I didn't relate to people in any way, though I did always feel on the wrong side of things, in terms of gender, but I didn't think about it much.

Eventually it just got to be too much, and I have been on HRT for years now, but I still identify more as "not male" than "female."

It's a very hard road.  I think you just have to know what you're getting in to, and accept what you get in return.  Tricky part is, I don't think anyone could possibly realize what they're in for, until they do it  

I see it as something I had to do to keep on living.  There was no future for me as male; it was something I wanted no part of.  I don't want full SRS either, at the moment, but will likely at least get rid of the source of the problem, so I don't have to stay heavy on Spiro forever.

Good luck, and take your time, and definitely talk it over with a therapist you like

Another Arizona member. Gee this place is getting crowded. You are not making it up and it won't go away. Like you I figured it out at age 13 but because of the times I couldn't get surgery until age 30. I moved from Arizona to California for treatment because there was none to be had in Arizona. After returning I discovered that pretty much everything I would need for a transition exist within 35 mile of my current address. I was just born far to many years to early.

Keep exploring and find where you fit. The transition has given me many year of happiness and the same is possible for you.

Hi Jamie and welcome to our family!

I read your post and it appears as if though you have a lot going on.  This can become overwhelming,so be sure and not let it get out of control.

Although easier said than done, do this;  step back, take a deep breath, and start to make a plan.  Take your time, keep a notebook akin to a diary and whatever comes to mind, whatever you are feeling, write it down.  I think you'll find that writing can be extremely calming and beneficial, and when you do finally go and see your (gender) therapist, he or she has something to read to get a more enhanced picture of you.

If you just need  to talk, our chat room is pretty awesome.  In any case, you hang in there,k?


Be safe
Marlo

Thanks. I've kind of backed off on the stressing out for now and am giving myself until the end of 2016 to make a decision on how to live from then on out. I guess that while everything I said above is still true, I'm still finding that I like a lot of my male identity and don't want to give it up completely either. Like, maybe I want to be physically a lot more female than I am now, but there are still things I don't want to lose that I would have to give up if I transitioned out of my birth gender (mainly certain body parts and the ability to identify with male characters). I just seem to keep going back and forth to the point where I'm not sure what to consider myself. With all that, Cinnamute's mention of identifying as more "not male" than completely female does resonate with me, and I'm considering that I might alternatively be non-binary and/or genderfluid.

For the moment, whether it will be the end result or a beginning to a full transition, I am starting a sort of "male to androgyne" thing to see how it feels. I've also started getting a few girl clothes to dress up in, though it'll probably be a while before I can try being female in public.

I'm going back and forth on therapy to be honest. Something in me keeps telling me that by going to someone else to solve my problems instead of doing it myself, I'm giving up; also, I've had too many cases where I've had problems, panicked, tried to get professional help, it didn't work, the problems eventually went away on their own, and I wound up having to pay for something I didn't need. Still might wait a while on this one to be sure, but if I still feel the same way when my last medical bill is paid off in March I will probably do it then.

Anyway, as I said, I'm planning to get this whole question answered by the end of next year, which will hopefully give me enough time to really think about it. Though if I really am trans I might want to at least make some progress before June; my 10-year high school reunion should be then and I would want all my old friends to see me for who I am.

No need to be scared my pretty.

Good plan Jamie,

Just keep in the back of your mind, this is a journey. Like any journey, you never see the entire performance all at once. Step by step, stage by stage, different things are revealed to you. More of the puzzle pieces are revealed for you to put in place. What you think and know today, will be different to how they'll look next year.

A good therapist will never try to solve your problems. They are there to simple direct and clear your thinking. We are all masters of our own destiny, and as such, have our answers within. Sometimes we need external input to coax it out of us. A good therapist will in fact substantially reduce the incidents that lead to panic reactions, because they have kept you focussed on where you should be. I still regularily keep in contact with mine. Although all my major issues were resolved, life never leaves you without issues. What he taught me in the past has helped immensely in my ability to manage myself better than I had ever managed myself. Still new situations arise in this never changing world.

Keep up the good work, and just love yourself a little more each day

Speak to you as soon as I put the washing out

Huggs
Catherine