Alright so, for starters. I'm not entirely sure if I'm in the right place, but it seems like this forum might be the one I'm looking for.

Browsing through these forums (and any online community for that matter), it seems like most people are dead set on finding a label that matches them. I don't care what the proper term is, I'm not sure what I would be considered, but I do know that I want to be happy with myself. And I'm not, so I'm searching for answers.

So I apologize if I offend anyone for being uninformed or not doing my research. It's almost 4 in the morning and I have no one to talk to and I have to vent.

On to the point.

My biological sex is male, it always has been. My gender on the other hand, I really have none. I don't identify as male or female. I know that it's been drilled into my head that I'm expected to behave a certain way just because of my biological sex, and I also know that I am not ok with those expectations.

I've been wrestling with the idea of pursuing a sex change for years, but there are a lot of things holding me back.

-My body is excessively masculine. I'm 6'5", built like an NFL tight end, my head is huge, way too much body hair yet I've had a receding hairline since I was 14. I'm a better than average looking guy, but I would imagine that I would make a very hideous woman. Particularly the fact that hair grows everywhere on my body except the top of my head. Can this be fixed, or is it just something I'll always have to deal with?

-Can someone who undergoes a sex change have kids? I want kids more than anything. But they can't like give you ovaries and a uterus so you can bear children, can they? Or has medicine advanced to the point where they can? I don't want to forfeit my chance to reproduce, since that's kinda the thing I want more than anything.

-What if I'm wrong? What if I go through all of it and realize that being a woman isn't what I really wanted? This is a concern that was my main concern at first, but it's become less and less of a concern as I've become more certain of who I am.

-Am I too old? I'm 29, well past the point where people reach their peak in development. I feel like this is the type of thing that should be addressed before you finish developing if it's going to work right.

So the thing that makes me most certain about this is the way I respond when I'm around women. Most guys when they see a beautiful woman, their response is "wow I wish I could have that." But for me I never really feel lust, I have no desire to possess another person. But I do feel a sense of longing and jealousy when I see a beautiful woman, like "wow I wish that could be me."

The only time I've ever felt complete is when I've been in romantic situations with women. And it's because I kinda project my thoughts onto them, like I wanna live vicariously through them. And that's not fair to somebody else for me to need them around just for me to feel complete. I should be able to feel that way on my own and I don't think that's possible with the way things are right now.

I feel like I've rambled too much so I'm just gonna leave it at this for now. Mad props to anyone that deciphers this and manages to respond appropriately.

You could start out slow, with easy reversible steps, and see hwo they make you feel.
You might also look for a good gender therapist to help you along.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194986.msg1737439.html#msg1737439

Concerning producing offspring you might look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195920.msg1744753.html#msg1744753

And its not too late... there are people who transitioned in their 70s.

Well concerning wishing to have a female body... I'd say quite a few transgender people feel that way...


*hugs*

Woh, so much ground to cover! But that is ok - there is no hurry and you can take your time. Don't feel like you are running out of time at all, you have years to think about things if you like.

By sex change do you want to pass as a woman? That is what it sounds like to me, irrespective of your sense of gender identity (which is kind of like me).

I'm not sure where to start here but you have taken a huge step coming and asking soo many questions.  You have obviously been thinking about this a lot and have come for some help. So well done, huge step! I think this is awesome.

I won't really address any of these questions directly right now though as it is late in my country and people can write an awful lot about each one. But I wanted to reassure you that lots of people in similar situations transition in some shape or form and go on to live good happy lives. You will face some mighty challenges and you will have a lot of fears to overcome to be sure. But you are in good company!

You sound very genuine and I look forward to more conversations.

Take care, I'm off to sleep!

Welcome to Susan't place. What a list and where to start?

We have members who are taller than you and I am 5'14". Body hair sometimes stops growing or grows  lighter. You can removed what remains with laser or electrolyses and it won't come back. As for your head, many of our members wear wigs and you wouldn't know from their pictures.

Bottom surgery is a sure way not to reproduce but some people freeze the little guys for latter when they are ready and when they find a woman to carry the baby. Others delay or don't have bottom surgery until after they have children.

Most doctors require a year of living in the desired role. If you are unsure about the role you wish to be, live another year in the role. Because of lack of money, I ended up cross living for two years and you get a better feeling as time goes on.

Often I deal with people in there 50's on this site. Yes it's a bit harder if you are older but age isn't a limitation to transitioning. Younger is better but we can't make you younger. I had my surgery at age 30 mostly because it was far harder to transition in those days.

In short, there is no reason for you not to transition and it sounds like you are transsexual. I know you said no labels but you might want to go to youtube and request "The Transition Channel". The videos will tell you if I am right or wrong.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

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Quote from: anonymous_user on October 22, 2015, 02:57:56 AM
I'm a better than average looking guy, but I would imagine that I would make a very hideous woman. Particularly the fact that hair grows everywhere on my body except the top of my head. Can this be fixed, or is it just something I'll always have to deal with?

The body hair will recede on HRT, and a wig can easily take care of the lack of hair on top. Te body build is something else. Fortunately, there is no requirement that a woman look a certain way (or be gorgeous). Women are allowed to look exactly the way they look and still be women.

Quote from: anonymous_user on October 22, 2015, 02:57:56 AM
Can someone who undergoes a sex change have kids? I want kids more than anything. But they can't like give you ovaries and a uterus so you can bear children, can they? Or has medicine advanced to the point where they can? I don't want to forfeit my chance to reproduce, since that's kinda the thing I want more than anything.

To my knowledge, no, no one can make us fertile females. Some women freeze sperm. I don't know how well that works and it's costly. There's also adoption and foster parenting, which you'd have to work through in your own mind how you feel about those options.

Quote from: anonymous_user on October 22, 2015, 02:57:56 AM
What if I'm wrong? What if I go through all of it and realize that being a woman isn't what I really wanted?

This is something we all struggle with. A therapist can be very helpful. I tried dressing as a female and going out in social situations (a divorced/separated support group and a trans-friendly all-female feminist reading group).

Quote from: anonymous_user on October 22, 2015, 02:57:56 AMAm I too old?

Gawd no! I transitioned at 51 and I'm loving it.

Hugs, AU. It's a long road, but most of us find it's more than worth it.

Hi there

Quote from: anonymous_user on October 22, 2015, 02:57:56 AMMy biological sex is male, it always has been. My gender on the other hand, I really have none. I don't identify as male or female. I know that it's been drilled into my head that I'm expected to behave a certain way just because of my biological sex, and I also know that I am not ok with those expectations.

A lot of people talk about having a gender identity, and in a way, I have a vague understanding of what they mean. But really, I'm the same -- I just can't see the point of dividing people into fuzzy categories that, essentially, are pointless really...

Quote from: anonymous_user on October 22, 2015, 02:57:56 AMMy body is excessively masculine. I'm 6'5", built like an NFL tight end, my head is huge, way too much body hair yet I've had a receding hairline since I was 14. I'm a better than average looking guy, but I would imagine that I would make a very hideous woman. Particularly the fact that hair grows everywhere on my body except the top of my head. Can this be fixed, or is it just something I'll always have to deal with?

Options for head hair regrowth are unfortunately fairly limited; there are drugs available, but these are a bit hit-and-miss in terms of results. Suzi's suggestion of wigs is probably the best option, short of removing your head hair completely with laser / IPL and rocking the completely bald look -- I'm actually seriously considering this one

As for body hair, regular waxing will certainly take care of most of it; laser or IPL are other options if you are have reasonably light skin (certain lasers work with darker skin tones too, but extra care needs to be taken). Facial hair will probably need electrolysis (upper lip... omg ) but laser may be able to thin down your facial hair a lot, helping to speed up the process.

Quote from: anonymous_user on October 22, 2015, 02:57:56 AMCan someone who undergoes a sex change have kids? I want kids more than anything. But they can't like give you ovaries and a uterus so you can bear children, can they? Or has medicine advanced to the point where they can? I don't want to forfeit my chance to reproduce, since that's kinda the thing I want more than anything.

I believe that one day, we will definitely get there! -- there have already been cases of successful pregnancies in women who have received uterine transplants, and several women with Müllerian agenesis have received in vitro engineered vaginas, created from their own cells.

For now though, sperm banking is certainly possible; this way you have the option of reproduction via IUI or IVF with a female partner  or egg donor / surrogate.

Quote from: anonymous_user on October 22, 2015, 02:57:56 AMWhat if I'm wrong? What if I go through all of it and realize that being a woman isn't what I really wanted? This is a concern that was my main concern at first, but it's become less and less of a concern as I've become more certain of who I am.

This was such a big concern for me, and even after a year of HRT, I still haven't shaken it. But if you realise that being a woman isn't what you want, you can always go back... seriously! Start taking T again, revert back to talking with a male voice, get a breast reduction if necessary... of course, you can't reverse SRS, but in day-to-day life, apart from during sex, no-one gets to see anyone else's junk anyway.

Of course, that is, if you even want to live within the gender binary in the first place

Quote from: anonymous_user on October 22, 2015, 02:57:56 AMAm I too old? I'm 29, well past the point where people reach their peak in development. I feel like this is the type of thing that should be addressed before you finish developing if it's going to work right.

In a way, it's already "too late" once puberty has started really -- any time after that, any changes that HRT makes will always be tempered by the irreversible changes that testosterone makes to the body.

But even at 29, HRT will most likely make some significant changes, especially to your skin and fat distribution, and reasonable breast growth is highly likely after several years. What hormones can not change can always be altered by surgery (in the case of facial bone structure), vocal training (in the case of voice), makeup (in the case of 'beauty' -- the arbitrary, unrealistic idealisation of femininity that is simultaneously both the joy and bane of every woman) and just building the confidence to be yourself (perhaps the hardest, yet undoubtedly one of the most vital aspects of transition).

Of course, as per anyone in their late 20's knows, lifestyle plays a big part in this! Plenty of sleep; regular exercise; not hiding from the sun -- UVB produces vitamin D in the skin, essential for proper cholesterol metabolism; eating well -- lots of vegetables, eggs, good fats, cutting out carbs, sugar, and synthetic vegetable oils such as canola, rapeseed, corn, soybean, peanut, sunflower, safflower, etc., margarine and shortening (the so-called 'healthy' alternatives to butter, lard, etc. which actually cause significant oxidative damage to cells in the body); and of course, not smoking or abusing stimulants.

TL;DR: Now is always better than never!

Quote from: anonymous_user on October 22, 2015, 02:57:56 AMSo the thing that makes me most certain about this is the way I respond when I'm around women. Most guys when they see a beautiful woman, their response is "wow I wish I could have that." But for me I never really feel lust, I have no desire to possess another person. But I do feel a sense of longing and jealousy when I see a beautiful woman, like "wow I wish that could be me."

The only time I've ever felt complete is when I've been in romantic situations with women. And it's because I kinda project my thoughts onto them, like I wanna live vicariously through them. And that's not fair to somebody else for me to need them around just for me to feel complete. I should be able to feel that way on my own and I don't think that's possible with the way things are right now.

This was me with my ex-girlfriend of almost 9 years. It's actually what sparked my decision to finally start transitioning -- when we broke up, I decided that I didn't ever want to put another partner through that, pretending to be a man who I could never be.

Quote from: anonymous_user on October 22, 2015, 02:57:56 AMI feel like I've rambled too much so I'm just gonna leave it at this for now. Mad props to anyone that deciphers this and manages to respond appropriately.

Good luck working things out hey, hope to see you around