I had my SRS in febuary this year and my quality of life has improved a lot since. Its great to look in the mirror and finally see my body the way it supposed to be. However, I stop dilating a few months ago. Maybe I am just being pessimistic, but I feel like what is the point if I probably won't find a partner and be sexualy active? Everytime I disclosed my TS status things didn't end up well, and I feel tired of being hurt. So, a part of me kind of gave up. I do have TS friends that are married or have serious relationships,  but its very rare. Most men tend to look girls like me as a sex toy, and I don't think its fair after all that I've been trough allow myself to be used like that.
A lot of people would think that I had a successful transition... started hormones at 13 (by myself), graduated college, considered an attractive girl, pass as a woman without problems.  And I feel proud for achieving my goals, but at the same time I feel devastated inside. All the hurt and pain that I had to endure to get to where I am now made me depressed... I guess I didn't got over all the bad things that happened in the past. It was worth it, of course, but still hurts. For so many years I was treated like garbage, like a freak for being who I am, had to struggle in hostile situations so I could get an education and the money to pay for my surgery, and in the process people humiliated me, I was bullyed and isolated. And even tough things are much better a part of me just stoped looking in to the future.

I've been there, believe me. I was bullied and have had some men get homophobic/transphobic on me. I spent a little over a year being agoraphobic in my fortress of solitude (aka my apartment), because of fear learned from experience. But that wasn't what I transitioned for, so I finally got a therapist and forced myself to take my anxiety meds and go out in public. I've found several I have dated from OKC, and a couple I'm currently dating. While I'm not where I want to be in my transition and won't be for a little over a year, the progress of my transition doesn't have anything to do with my qualifications to be dateable.

Dilation is important because it's much healthier to do that than risk the complications that occur from not doing it. It isn't as simple as just closing up. I urge you to reconsider for your own health's sake. Your genitals are yours and for your pleasure, not someone else's.

Also, are you doing anything to help with your mental health? Therapy has helped me immensely with all of my neurosis not just gender related. I understand hesitating to see a therapist, as I avoided finding one for years because I didn't want to have to justify/prove my transness. But you don't need any more letters, if you find someone who has had experience with trans people, they can help you a lot with dealing with issues like confidence and acceptance and stuff.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Here are resources by reputable sources showing being trans has biological connections:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

Its not your fault... nor that of an upbringing... nor whatever...

this might help concerning memories:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,198052.msg1761647.html#msg1761647

Be like a bird, spread your wings and fly...
just be yourself... you can start anew....

and there are many trans girls in relationships...
just take the time you need, you will find someone in time...

you went with Kamol ? 

*hugs*

Even CIS women often have to look for a long time to find that special person. Sometimes after surgery we expect all of our problems will be over and we will go on to live that life we dreamed of. The only way that happens is if you go out there and look for it. Look for the relationship before sex. If somebody want to take you to bed on the first date, they aren't the one you are looking for. Try to find somebody who wants to just be with you. They are out there but it will take time. Also you should return to dilation because while you can recover what you had, the longer you wait the harder it will be. I have to admit I went a long time without dilation but I had done it for 20 years before I stopped. The first few times left me sore for a couple of days afterward. As new as your surgery is, it will become a problem much faster.

I had some of the problems you had because I put my life on hold for 17 years before surgery. After surgery I had to learn how to live and I still have other damage to my life I am dealing with. You are in a better place than I was because you know what you want out of life but you just aren't sure where to find it and you want it now. I think you will find it, just not as fast as you want it to happen.

You also need therapy where you can talk this out and find a solution to your issues. Possibly medication will help over the short term.

Thanks Katie, Laura and Dena for your support

Laura, yes I had my SRS with Kamol

I am taking Effexor, Wellbutrin, Duloxetine and Lamotrigine, prescribed by my psychiatrist, and the medication has helped me a lot. I also been going to a psychologist once a week. In the last few years I've had therapy with other psychologists and i'm glad I did, because I got to know myself more and developed ways to deal with my issues. The medication and the years in therapy are probably what gave me strength to hold on. I guess it will take time to heal those wounds...
I always knew I had to study hard so I could get a good job and have the money for srs. When I was accepted in the university, my mother told me that she only would allow me to go if I presented myself as a boy; unfortunally I said yes, because it was the only way to get out of that place, witch means I had to go back in my transition and let go of my dream to start a new life as a girl . I was 18 at that time... but since I started hrt at 13, with long hair and a female appearance obviously nobody saw me as a boy. Because of that everyone saw me as a weird creature with no gender, they didn't know wether to use male or female pronoums etc. To make things worse my dear mother put me on a male dorm room. It was a nightmare. At 20 I had enough and started living full time. Things got better for a while. Since my field is in the health care, I had to to an internship in a teaching hospital, and everything was ok but when they found out I was trans, some professors made things difficult for me, to the point I almost quitted. I felt dead inside, but I had to finish school and get my degree... so I had to take all kinds of crap daily. The worst part was to deal with that pretty much alone.
Anyway I finally graduated and started working in a place where nobody knew about me and saved the money for srs and some other cosmetic procedures. Life is way better now, i get to interact with nicer people and live without all that pressure. People say I am pretty and i'm finally doing things like reading a book or going to a different place to eat, witch I had no time to do before. I feel better, but at the same time empty.
After so much stress and pain I don't know what to to from now on. It's like i'm afraid to keep on with my life. I know things are different now, but i'm afraid to endure such horrible situations again. I

Now I understand. For the second time in my life I am where you are. Much like you, after surgery I really didn't know what the next step in my life would be. I was attending therapy to give me something to do and to help others when somehow I connected with my roommate to be. She was an extrovert and liked seeing and doing things and in all the years we spent together she provided something new and different often enough to keep me from falling into a rut. She passed away two years ago and the grieving took a long time to pass. About may of this year I started to feel the need to do something more with my life. My problem is I don't have that many people in my life and i really should get out and meet more. The voice surgery I had thanks to Susan will allow me to move in society drawing less attention and i have found a social group where I will fit right in. I could have joined a volunteer group of which there are many and they could become my fall back if my first idea doesn't work out.I dilate because who knows what will develop with this new approach to life. Even if I don't get into a sexual relationship, I may better be able to fill my social needs by doing this. Enjoy the time you have by your self but consider doing something that will get you out of the house doing something interesting.