Lately, my life has felt like that line from the intro to the film "Casablanca":

Quote from: Casablanca
But the others wait in Casablanca -- and wait -- and wait -- and wait.

Around August, I decided it was time to go on HRT (long story), and got an appointment at Callen-Lorde at the beginning of September, which turned out not to be an appointment (even longer story), went to a second appointment which turned out to be an intake appointment and not one with anyone who could prescribe anything.  The next appointment is next week, which I hope will result in a prescription (well, two prescriptions), but who knows?

For all that I've dithered around about what to do and how fast and whether this is even the right thing for me and am I just making it all up for some kind of weird lulz, suddenly I'm feeling impatient.  Like: when will I actually make a perceptable step towards living as a woman?  My electrolysis has not resulted in any improvement that I can see or feel.  (My electrologist says she sees a difference, but there are lots and lots of hairs, so it will take a long time.)  I just want to get over with it, or at least get on with it.

I am suddenly sick of living as a man.  I'm done with it.  Several times a day I'm hit with the thought: how would this situation be if I were a woman?  How would I relate to the people around me?  Life no longer seems worth living if it means I have to spend the rest of it seeing a man in the mirror and having other people see a man, it's nothing but going through empty motions.  I don't know that living as a woman will be any better, but at least it will be different.  Futzing around finding a way to do it that's halfway comfortable will at least occupy me during my remaining years.  I want to dig a tunnel and escape from the prison of this body and this social construct.  I don't want to continue with this pretense -- this farce -- a minute longer.

I keep thinking of that line from Casablanca: I wait in my personal Casablanca -- and wait -- and wait -- and wait.

Your next appointment will be to take blood for blood work if that hasn't already happened.  Then if that comes back ok you will get HRT. 


What is stopping you from transitioning full time?  Facial hair and other things can be done while living as your authentic self. 

They took blood at the intake interview.

But you never know.  (They don't call me "old doom and a gloom" for nothing.)

Quote from: Oliviah on October 23, 2015, 12:37:17 PM
What is stopping you from transitioning full time?  Facial hair and other things can be done while living as your authentic self.

Right now, I would have a hard time passing well enough to satisfy me.  I don't want to be constantly dealing with the "man in a dress" thing.  My goal with transitioning is to (a) live a more or less normal life without too much extra hassle (i.e., not a whole lot more than what any woman experiences) and (b) not have to do it as a man.

Also, I tried shaving off the beard this summer and was repulsed by what I saw.  I'm hoping the feminizing effects of estrogen will make my face seem less hideous to me.

I may experiment with a few things over the next 12 months.  (As an initial assumption, I'm figuring 12 months for HRT to have noticeable effects.  And maybe in 12 months, I'll be able to actually see some progress on the electrolysis front.)  One of my TG groups has suggested I try wigs.  I may try to track down someone who does M2F makeovers.

It's just that all of this takes time, and I want results NOW!  NOW!  NOW!

Quote from: Asche on October 23, 2015, 12:52:35 PM
Right now, I would have a hard time passing well enough to satisfy me.  I don't want to be constantly dealing with the "man in a dress" thing.  My goal with transitioning is to (a) live a more or less normal life without too much extra hassle (i.e., not a whole lot more than what any woman experiences) and (b) not have to do it as a man.

Also, I tried shaving off the beard this summer and was repulsed by what I saw.  I'm hoping the feminizing effects of estrogen will make my face seem less hideous to me.

I may experiment with a few things over the next 12 months.  (As an initial assumption, I'm figuring 12 months for HRT to have noticeable effects.  And maybe in 12 months, I'll be able to actually see some progress on the electrolysis front.)  One of my TG groups has suggested I try wigs.  I may try to track down someone who does M2F makeovers.

It's just that all of this takes time, and I want results NOW!  NOW!  NOW!

I can understand that, but I have found that the thing that helps presentation the most is practice.  The kind of practice that going out and getting ready regularly facilitates.

There are many masculine females.  There are bald females, and females with beards.  Those women present themselves daily.

I looked terrible my first day out.  Didn't know how to properly cover shadow and my makeup was pretty garish.  However, transition focused on the superficial is far more likely to fail.  If you wait until you feel you look like a pretty cis girl to transition you will wait forever.  As we will never be pretty cis girls.

Asche, I couldn't wait. I refused to allow my transition to depend on my success with hair removal or HRT. I set a date that I would become Suzi, even if Suzi looked to all the world as a guy in a dress. It helped that I had met a number of non-passing women IRL and had spent enough time with them to see that their lives and transitions were just fine. I ended up transitioning on the exact date I had chosen and things have gone very well for me.

You didn't ask for advice, so stop reading now if you don't want any. My suggestion is to be yourself as soon as you can. If hair removal isn't going well (I'm almost through 3 years of it, and not near the end), use beard shadow makeup. Go to a wig shop or hair stylist and get a hairstyle that frames your face. Buy whatever clothes make you feel the best. Go out and live your life and proudly be who you are.

I appreciate people's concern, but I have a feeling that my transition is going along a path and at a rate that, though different from what anyone else might take and sometimes slower than I would like, is still the right path for me, and probably really the only one I can take.  I always feel bad because I whine about where my life is at the moment, so people give me all kinds of advice and then feel snubbed because I don't take it.

You see, on the one hand, I have little confidence in my judgement and my worth as a person -- growing up being told every time you do or say or think something that you're wrong will do that to you.  Yet on the other hand, something inside me, something I like to call my "inner oracle," seems to have guided my steps all my life.  In a way, it's like the wise parent (or other relative) that I never had.  It led me out of the school that nearly killed me (and may kill me yet) and led me to leave my toxic home and community, both physically and emotionally, for good at the earliest opportunity.  In the moment, it always feels like I am just muddling around and goofing off and acting on foolish impulses, yet when I look back, I feel that I ended up taking about the best path I could have under the circumstances.

In some respects, I'm already a ways down the path.  I dress in skirts and dresses and the like full time except for work.  It took a while to develop a look I was comfortable with, and it (and my comfort zone!) have evolved in a more feminine direction as time has gone on, and already I feel better.  I come home from work and take off my male drage uniform and put on my clothes and I feel better and more like me.  The electrolysis was something I was merely contemplating until the day something in me said: it's time.  The same for HRT.  I know I'll need to explore wigs, I'm just trusting that one day that inner voice says, go do it.  I'm not ready to try to present as female yet, but I have the feeling the day will come and when that day comes, I'll know in my innermost being that it's time.  Indeed, that I don't really have any alternative.

But knowing all that doesn't make the waiting any easier.

Asche I have been here and have appreciated your thoughtful posts for years.  You have made progress and helped others too!  We accept that there is no one formula for how and when to transition, if at all.  Exploring options seems smart to me and you have done that well.  I dithered around in limbo making furtive attempts and working toward androgyny for decades.  When I finally found my way to self acceptance it was like lightning hit and there was nothing that was going to stop me.

Then the process began and impatience was my middle name.  I had a lot of lost time to make up for  

I know you will find ways to chill till the thrills are yours.  Hang on, you're worth it.

Quote from: Asche on October 23, 2015, 09:15:30 PM
Yet on the other hand, something inside me, something I like to call my "inner oracle," seems to have guided my steps all my life.  In a way, it's like the wise parent (or other relative) that I never had.  It led me out of the school that nearly killed me (and may kill me yet) and led me to leave my toxic home and community, both physically and emotionally, for good at the earliest opportunity.  In the moment, it always feels like I am just muddling around and goofing off and acting on foolish impulses, yet when I look back, I feel that I ended up taking about the best path I could have under the circumstances.

Asche, you're in very good hands. 

I have a similar voice inside me that doesn't often steer me wrong. I've learned to be able to get my inner peace from that voice as well. In the same way it gives me wisdom and courage, it can also give me patience and acceptance.

I hope you find a way to enjoy the ride.

When was I first approved for HRT I found out it could be several months before I even see the Endo, I was okay with this, but then it took weeks for that particular Endo's office to even get back to me. All the while long another Endo's office had been offered that is further away even though I was hoping to stay closer to home. I was looking at what could be 6 months from the letter being wrote to seeing the doctor. In the end, I opted for the endo that was further away because I felt how the other office was handling it wasn't working for me. Now I'm in the long wait for my SRS. I know waiting is hard and stinks, but it do to the hoops we have to jump through it becomes a big part of our transitions. I wish we could just move along at the pace we need, but in many ways I'm mentally in a better place by having things split apart like they are. Hang in there and the wait will be over before you know it. Hugs
Mariah