Just got an email that my binder's been shipped C: I'm going away in about a week hopefully it'll arrive before then >.>

OOh man! Good luck on that! The postal service is either super fast or super slow. I got mine in just a few days.

Now I need to decide if I'm going to wear it to my first day of work. We'll see if I can adjust to it today.

Yeah it's got to go from Miami across the atlantic so I'm not hopeful...

Are you out at work and stuff? i don't actually know when i can start wearing a binder if I'm not actually out out

I'm not out at work, but that's because it's my very first day tomorrow. But I thankfully live in a city where not binding one day then binding the next probably wouldn't even get noticed. At the interview they scared me cause the manager said they're very "conservative." Then clarified it just meant they don't want people to have like lime green hair.

Awh but didn't you want lime green hair...?

Now there would be a sight. I'd be like a beacon. XD

I actually (acidentally) had a lime green fringe when i was about sixteen... it was white, and then i put what i thought was an emerald green over it, and ended up with a sort of painful neon

troubled times indeed

i actually feel better about myself now remembering that

I think a lot of people did some really questionable things with hair at that age XD

For me it was mid-back length dyed maroon all over. Coupled with a bright yellow, overly baggy fleece, there are some amazing photos of me from that era that need to be burned ASAP.

Another step. Hung out with people who I also know online. My friend introduced me to their boyfriend as Colin, and kept using male pronouns. And it was a really odd moment of "wait, that's ME!" in a good way.

My roommate ruined it by tromping through, calling me by my real name and using female pronouns. But she's more careless and oblivious than malicious.

Colin, I'm really digging this thread. Congrats on finding your way.

Quote from: captains on October 06, 2015, 02:04:23 AM
Colin, I'm really digging this thread. Congrats on finding your way.

Thanks, man!

Today was my first day wearing my binder out in public. And I'm actually already used to it! No issues apart from remembering it takes a bit of extra effort to breathe sometimes.

I also used my new name at Starbucks this morning and it made me so happy to hear them call it. But that led to an awkward moment.

The usual receptionist was out, and a temp was sitting in for her. That temp's name is...Colin. So I had my coffee sitting next to me while going over paperwork and the HR lady asked me why I had the receptionist's coffee Oops. Given that this was the first day, I didn't know how to tell her. But she didn't even bat an eye when I told her it was just a name I gave them.

And I had another reminder to keep my doubts at bay. Usually it takes me at least a week or two to get settled into a job and not feel super exposed. But today, even before lunch I was perfectly comfortable. Sitting up straight, getting so into my work I forgot the outside world (which I normally can't do in a cubicle environment). That continues to be incredibly surreal as I've gone 30+ years of constant stress over my appearance and how I appear to people. And one realization and one small garment has shifted that from an 11 (out of 10) to about a 4.

And now I prepare for big steps. Like telling my mom....

I'm glad your new job's working out!

It almost DIDN'T today D:

I was too tired to sit up straight and started having issues breathing because of my binder. The first 2 days were fine! But I think it's cause of stress mostly, and the binder was just making it MORE difficult. But I've got to go without tomorrow just in case and try again on Friday.

Ahh oh no...

if you can get away without binding some days i maybe would tho

Speaking of! I'm trying mine out today... i want to practice before i wear it in public

So far I'm not getting any slippage though i have had to make it a bit shorter to stop it crumpling so much it shows through my shirt. it may actually be too big in places but there's no sending it back with the lower two inches missing... and much tighter and i think i might not be able to breathe...

I can't decide if I'm flat enough or not, it's like i suddenly can't remember what mens chests actually look like? lol

Quote from: Peep on October 08, 2015, 09:10:28 AM
Ahh oh no...

if you can get away without binding some days i maybe would tho

Speaking of! I'm trying mine out today... i want to practice before i wear it in public

So far I'm not getting any slippage though i have had to make it a bit shorter to stop it crumpling so much it shows through my shirt. it may actually be too big in places but there's no sending it back with the lower two inches missing... and much tighter and i think i might not be able to breathe...

I can't decide if I'm flat enough or not, it's like i suddenly can't remember what mens chests actually look like? lol

I'm not completely flat in mine, but way more than with a sports bra that's for sure. But that's good, because as heavy set as I am right now, it would look really weird to be super flat up top.

Word of caution: Don't wear your binder when you're super tired. I found out that's the issue with mine. I'm just too exhausted for the additional breathing effort. Which is minor when I'm properly rested, but major when I'm on 5 hours sleep trying to get through a work day.

And now some other stuff!

This transition has given me the fuel I needed to start a proper diet. I'd been trying for YEARS to eat better, and once I came out to myself, it wasn't even a question anymore. I'm passed the rough adjustment patch and apparently can't even make myself eat some of the trash I was eating just a month ago. My big treat used to be ice cream. And today I couldn't even push myself to have a spoonful, despite being hungry.

I've also had another dream! Further proof that I'm headed in the right direction. In the past, if I would see myself in the dreams, I wasn't myself. I was a character or another person. But never myself in any form if I could see myself. But in this dream, I was looking at myself in the mirror. And it was ME. It was Colin, the person I WANT to be. I'd some how dropped a lot of weight, and my chest was flat. Like it had just happened over night and I was marveling at it.

But even more impressive is that I was looking at myself, in the mirror, without a shirt on. Which is not something I can do in real life currently. I am physically unable to do it. If I have to go in front of the mirror for some reason I shield my face so I can't see myself.

I hope this dream means good things for me.

I'm also getting more comfortable as openly referring to myself as a guy. I'm so fresh off of fearing people would know this about me that I'm still getting used to it. But it feels good.

So, today, I took a couple of big steps. Starting with coming out to my mom. Turns out she already knew. Well before me. Claiming she knew since I was a teenager. And looking back on some things she's said in the past, I'd believe it. She's always pushed the "I'll accept and love you no matter what" thing with me way more than with my sisters.

I also came out across all of my social media. Given that only a month ago, I found my way here so timid and afraid of myself that the very idea of anyone I knew even finding I was thinking about this stuff froze me to my core. At that time, as I tentatively started to accept myself, I thought it would be on a timeline of many months before I could even tell my closest friends. And even when I did start to tell my close friends about it, just saying the words "I am trans" was impossible for me. It's still a little difficult because it feels so final. But not in the way it did at first. More "this is it, this is the moment I've been waiting for" than "oh god what if it's not right."

One thing I'm finding I have difficult shifting myself on is how I phrase things. I'm still incredibly passive when it involves asking anything of anyone. Like in saying I want them to call me Colin and use male pronouns. But I blame years worth of professional and polite communications for drilling that into me.

And then sometimes not all of those tiny first steps are great.

First, I found out why I was having such an issue with my binder, even after it was awesome at first. I was getting sick! Adding compression when it was already difficult to breathe was just not a good plan. So I had to spend a week not wearing my binder at all. Which I thought I'd be okay, I wasn't that used to it anyway.

But it wasn't okay. And I had my first resurgence of dysphoria. Mine is the subtle kind that creeps in with whisper of "why bother?" Even as I shook the illness I still fell like crud. But then I was feeling better so I put my binder on again, and went out with some friends for a bit and felt so much better.

And where previously I wasn't all that self conscious of my chest, that's starting to set in, now. So that's fun.

Yeah I can't decide if i like binding or not, it's not 100% flat so that last bit is almost more annoying than not binding. It's weirdly more comfortable than any bra i've ever owned though.

I just keep thinking I've probably still got a minimum of two years binding and it's pretty daunting. :C

Sorry to come into your thread and be all negative but yeahhh

It's pretty daunting, Peep, but time has a funny way of passing without you noticing it. I used to be in your position, knowing how far away surgery would be for me, and now I'm on a waitlist to schedule. No idea where the time went, but I'm glad it did. You'll get there someday For me, binding's infinitely better than not, whenever I'm around basically anyone but my s/o. Even though it's not the most comfortable thing, you do get used to it, I promise.

I'd like to bind all the time but I'm worried about my skin and lungs lol
Also i can't see that binding at the gym would work, i don't fancy passing out on the rowing machine

I know everyone says this but I just wish I'd started this process five years ago when i first thought about it.