Just a week ago, Saturday night 17th October I told my wife my whole life story and how bad I felt for all the hiding it all from her. It has taken me months to get to that point, and the reasons why it took so long were all to apparent. But I could not hide it anymore, come what may.

I totally broke her heart, in fact I completely devastated her, for which I could never ever have wanted, despite knowing it would.

We are still together, for now, she knows there is no way back for her now, telling her of years of hormones totally killed that, and rightly so. For me I have spent the last week being there for her, devoting my time to her, aside from long work hours (that's a real pain too!). Sunday and Monday she was totally broken, broke my heart so much.

But she understood why I had done things the way I had, understood my early adulthood... getting married, bring a children into the world etc. But I did try so hard, so very hard to be a model father and male... but it was, as it turned out all a big charade, and hiding for so long has totally broken her.

Currently we are on a bit of plateau whilst we consider where too now, how to talk with our families, kids etc...I don't dress in front of her, however much I long to be able to show her Katrina... I suspect we will, as I move through PT and into FT break up, which will be sad and hopefully we will remain friends.

We have funny moments, like she humour's me with talk of HRT, programs on TV that portray loss of trust, clothing... we had a massive laugh at how I had been caught a couple of times and how she nearly caught me so many times... we talked about makeup and when she asked me why my eyes looked darker sometimes... I think it really helped her pain.

At the moment she is in denial and obvious shock from realising those changes weren't just bigger than normal man boob's, I have a mixed wardrobe, she does not want to see my clothing etc... but knows its there, but won't look, yet! I am hoping that will change as I do not want to lose her from my life, but understand we'll never be the same again. We are also talking about counselling and therapy, but she is not quite ready for that. Also I am keeping the conversations up as I need to move forward now, especially after a couple of years of procrastination.

For now I feel painfully relieved but sad because I can't progress quite as quickly as I dreamed I would  , but I suspect that very soon my internal pressures will be too high and then I think the strain will be to high on my wife.

I am now free to start Electro she understands and I have explained that there may be reactions, hence why not started yet.

Love you all...

Katy xxx

Oh wow Katy, my heart goes out to you at this really tough time for you and your wife. I really do feel for you as I know how tough it can be. I hope you manage to come out the other side of this happier and closer to where you need to be.

Hugs

Sarah T

Hi Sarah..

Thanks so much, despite all the initial tears and pain, which will happen a few times for sure, I feel that I have at last done the right thing, although a few sleepless nights questioning that. I know what my future holds, as long as I can hold my job down for a few years, I hope that my wife will pull through.. I think she is strong, but this was certainly a bolt out of the blue to her, for that I will always feel regret that I am as I am and that it took so long to come right to the front of my life, and now to hers too.

I think time will tell and time will heal.

Thankyou for your kind words.

Katy xxx

Katy you gave her a priceless gift, the gift of the the truth.

Now she can move ahead with the process of deciding how this new reality will affect her life.

Hi Suzi, yes that is so true, and that we have been a rock for each other and brought up a wonderful family too.

At the moment she is still in shock as to what the future holds for her, first words were that I don't want you to leave home, but with that comes continued pain for me as I feel I will never be able to really be myself.

But it is early days, a lot of tears and discussions still to come, I pray that whatever happens that we can still be very close.

At this point she needs to talk to people close to her/us (purposely stated that way)... I will support her in whichever way she wants to handle moving forward, and she recognises the fact I am not male anymore despite the appearances for having to remain in that charade for 4 or 5 months more (new job and probationary period), which is helping her to understand and think on more.

Thanks for your response and thoughts Suzi

Katy xx

Hugs Katy. The moment of impact from the T bomb is always the hardest... it may take a while for the dust to settle but I hope it does soon, and favourably for you both.

Hi Grace,

Yes it will take time, but we both know the outcomes for me, for both of us there is now no turning back, as to what the end point is and how that plays out is not clear, bit more like a dust storm that has a hurricanes eye, right over us now 

If my wife feels awkward moving forward with me being public (which she will we are sure) then we both know what the outcome is, and as soon as I go down the name change path it will be uncomfortable for her and she has stated that. However I do feel massive regret over the many years of hiding it, despite doing that for what I assumed was the right reasons, and she is very understanding of that, but not the HRT... totally understandable.

Anyway thanks, as always for your kind words 

L Katy xx

Katy, your a strong woman and despite the fact this was a total shock to her you have done the best thing you can by telling her the truth. The fact that you are her putting needs still before yours is remarkable and shows how much you love her despite where you are ultimately going to need to progress to. It's a tribute to the person you are and as the dust settles I'm sure she will appreciate that despite what it means for her. Hang in there because it is a long road, but now at least you don't have to hide what is wrong anymore which in itself has helped you both move towards what is next. Take care and Hugs
Mariah

Hi Mariah,

I really don't know how much to thank you for all your love and support through these last couple of tumultuous months.

You have been my rock and taken all my too'ing and fro'ing, far more than many would have.

Oh and I know its a long road and there will be many hurdles but they will be overcome...

Hugs and xxx's

Katy

Hi Katrina, hugs for you in your trying times. Just know that I'm rooting for your happiness, if only because your life right now so closely mirrors what I have myself forthcoming. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me for any support you may need.

-Katelyn

So very true, they will be over come Katy. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: katrinaw on October 25, 2015, 04:34:34 AMAt the moment she is in denial and obvious shock from realising those changes weren't just bigger than normal man boob's, I have a mixed wardrobe, she does not want to see my clothing etc... but knows its there, but won't look, yet! I am hoping that will change as I do not want to lose her from my life, but understand we'll never be the same again. We are also talking about counselling and therapy, but she is not quite ready for that. Also I am keeping the conversations up as I need to move forward now, especially after a couple of years of procrastination.

Katy - VERY Proud of your strength and conviction.  I am in a very similar place, we are open at home, but my wife is also in denial.  She knows, but doesn't want to know.  I am just starting out and don't know where this path is leading but it is very freeing.  First time in my (long) life that I am not ashamed of who I am, even when alone.  I feel, uh, good.  Weird, right?  Counseling helps when I can get her to join me, wishing it was more often.  xo - Holly 

I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife 6 years. It was not a surprise attack as she always knew I had gender issues from day 1. But with that suppressed for 30 years hearing that I am in a TG support group and therapy and especially just doing SOMETHING about being TG was a shock. Of course the vision of a complete course change in our lives and redefinition of the marriage.

What has kept us together is the hard, difficult, gut wrenching, open and honest discussions about our feelings, what we are thinking, etc.. Avoiding TMI is difficult to impossible as is blurting. When discussing deep emotional thoughts the filtering between the brain stem and mouth is often removed which can lead to hurt feelings. It's important to hear the message and not listen to the raw emotion. Also important is to not let the hurt fester. Talk about that much later on after a needed break.

Over time, my wife saw how I changed from a creature she was growing to dislike (as was I) into a for real multi-dimensional person she liked. Our love for eachother today is probably the strongest it ever has been.

Our future? Who knows. One day at a time. She is convinced still that in time I'll be the one to leave as I grow. And of course there is the omnipresent "I did not marry a woman" and all that entails.

I hope the relationship between you and wife can survive this strain.

I told my wife I was T 10 years ago and things got a whole lot better, not ideal, but better.

Before that she discovered that I cross dressed and that always sent her into a rage.  It was really bad.  She was conjuring up all sorts of horrible things in her head and unloading them on me.  She even told my kids I was a pervert, gay, etc.  And I was too cowardly to be able to explain.

Finally I reached rock bottom and it was either pull the trigger on the pistol I was rehearsing with or be honest and hope for the best.

So I told her.

And the light bulb seemed to come on and all the hostility disappeared.  I was kind of surprised.

Luckily her unloading all that stuff on my kids when they were still pretty young didn't seem to have any adverse effects.  I'm sure they remember though because they were young, but not that young.


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A lot of the anger seemed to disapate when I told my wife that my therapist had diagnosed me with gender dysphoria. She's still very uncomfortable about the gender topic but she doesn't unload on me anymore. Of course, it hasn't been brought up in months, so there's that.

Katy, thank you so very much for modelling what real courage looks like in a setting I struggle in as well. I stayed up a lot of last night going over the pain and turmoil that is coming like a tsunami for me and mine. I have gotten to a point later in life in which the pain of being my true self is less than the torture of living life as someone long gone. The sticking point: to fully press the issue with my wife of 34 years. It is just what you have faced so admirably. There seems to be no way around the devastation of true honesty. I do know this: I don't want to commit suicide; and, I want to be an advocate for courageous women like you who have faced up to the uncomfortable truths that define so many of us. So, it is precious stories like yours that give me strength and hope as I move into the crucible of the end of a marriage. Thank you again and many rich blessings, Sheila Grace

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 25, 2015, 06:48:36 AM
Hi Katrina, hugs for you in your trying times. Just know that I'm rooting for your happiness, if only because your life right now so closely mirrors what I have myself forthcoming. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me for any support you may need.

-Katelyn

Hi Katelyn,

Thanks very much for your kind words, means a lot to me.
I hope I can be of help for you as I have been there and am in it right now.

Thanks
Katy xxxx

Quote from: HollyP on October 25, 2015, 09:01:58 AM
Katy - VERY Proud of your strength and conviction.  I am in a very similar place, we are open at home, but my wife is also in denial.  She knows, but doesn't want to know.  I am just starting out and don't know where this path is leading but it is very freeing.  First time in my (long) life that I am not ashamed of who I am, even when alone.  I feel, uh, good.  Weird, right?  Counseling helps when I can get her to join me, wishing it was more often.  xo - Holly

Hey Holly, thanks for your support.

We are also talking about counselling/Therapy, first off she wanted to keep it to herself but we both agree she needs someone to talk to, aside from any form of therapy.But I must say it was not an easy thing to do, it took every fibre in my body and soul to open up, and I hated myself after, she in fact consoled me despite her own grief... the immediate pain lasted for 2 days, but gradually we talk about it and I share things... but she will need help other than me in being able to talk freely... I have agreed that as she would like to do that alone I will support her in that sense. Because after all I am stronger... after so many years of double life and hiding/surviving... and now relief in many respects. The journey is long and will be painful... but for now we are talking.

Thanks

Katy xxx

Quote from: JoanneB on October 25, 2015, 09:36:55 AM
I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife 6 years. It was not a surprise attack as she always knew I had gender issues from day 1. But with that suppressed for 30 years hearing that I am in a TG support group and therapy and especially just doing SOMETHING about being TG was a shock. Of course the vision of a complete course change in our lives and redefinition of the marriage.

What has kept us together is the hard, difficult, gut wrenching, open and honest discussions about our feelings, what we are thinking, etc.. Avoiding TMI is difficult to impossible as is blurting. When discussing deep emotional thoughts the filtering between the brain stem and mouth is often removed which can lead to hurt feelings. It's important to hear the message and not listen to the raw emotion. Also important is to not let the hurt fester. Talk about that much later on after a needed break.

Over time, my wife saw how I changed from a creature she was growing to dislike (as was I) into a for real multi-dimensional person she liked. Our love for eachother today is probably the strongest it ever has been.

Our future? Who knows. One day at a time. She is convinced still that in time I'll be the one to leave as I grow. And of course there is the omnipresent "I did not marry a woman" and all that entails.

I hope the relationship between you and wife can survive this strain.

Hi Joanne, yes I have read many of your posts and admire the love you share. I pray that we will end up on that same plateau, however my drivers now are very high, from years of hiding and dodging bullets, I was surprised that she had not picked it, I honestly believed it was all about to come to become way to hard, so I did not want the tension anymore. I did so feel for her, but once we had got over the initial outpouring of grief, she started to let me know that she knew my condition could not be helped, but she, quite rightly, could not get past the medications.
I think we are actually bonding a little better now in these times of strain, but as she say's things tongue in cheek we open up a little more. I really do need her to confide in someone though, and we will do some counselling, but that's not the primary focus from her perspective right now. I do not know where we'll end up, I think it will be split up and maybe once the pain has eased I would hope we can be besties... but a lot of water yet.

Thanks for the thoughts and words

Katy xxx

Quote from: Deborah on October 25, 2015, 09:56:14 AM
I told my wife I was T 10 years ago and things got a whole lot better, not ideal, but better.

Before that she discovered that I cross dressed and that always sent her into a rage.  It was really bad.  She was conjuring up all sorts of horrible things in her head and unloading them on me.  She even told my kids I was a pervert, gay, etc.  And I was too cowardly to be able to explain.

Finally I reached rock bottom and it was either pull the trigger on the pistol I was rehearsing with or be honest and hope for the best.

So I told her.

And the light bulb seemed to come on and all the hostility disappeared.  I was kind of surprised.

Luckily her unloading all that stuff on my kids when they were still pretty young didn't seem to have any adverse effects.  I'm sure they remember though because they were young, but not that young.


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Hi Deborah,

Thanks for your wishes.... I only realised some 15 or so years ago that I was not alone and that I could make a change, however  I had kids moving into adulthood and beyond that marriage and grandkids, the pressure for change was there, it took many years of strength and total absorption into work to survive... I got cought cross dressing by my son whilst at primary school and my eldest daughter... both times I explained something of what I was going through, but from then was very careful not scare them further... looking back I wish I had come clean way back then, for me and for my wife.

Its still a long round, but the secrecy is over now, although she does not want to see or meet Katrina yet, but I hope she does... next step is telling the close family then the millions of other family members and our friends, some of whom I could tell sooner. But my wife wants to talk with one of them initially by herself which I think is good.

Thanks for your wishes and sharing

Katy xxxx