Hi there, my name is Sophie.
I'm 22 years old and a pre-everything closeted trans girl.
My hobbies include, writing, drawing, comics and anime, and video gaming. (I'm a total nerd.)
This is my first time publically writing anything about my gender identity, bear with me. I'm totally a nervous wreck right now.
I started feeling girly (Is that the right word?) around the age of 10. I was into girly things, like Barbies and Disney Princesses. I always kept it a secret from everyone. I felt that I related more to girls and I got along with them better than I did guys. Male things seemed to disgust me. Like playing in the dirt and stuff like that. I didn't really know why at that point in time why I felt that way. I had a female cousin who I often played with and stayed at her house. I often tried on her clothes ( I know, sounds weird) and I felt really good. I felt beautiful. I also sat down to pee, only standing up if I really had to.
By the time I got into high school, I kind of kept these feelings repressed out of the fear that I would be bullied. I was already picked on in school, mainly because I was an antisocial nerd. I lived in a rural, predominately christian community where if you didn't fit in with the crowd, you were ostracized and bullied. As I continued on, I felt more and more out of place. I felt like I was in the wrong body. I thought and felt like a female. But puberty hit me like frieght train and I become more masculine, which only made me feel more uncomfortable. But I kept it locked away deep inside me. I only let those feelings go when I was writing in my diary.
Day by day I kept feeling more and more uncomfortable in my own skin. I was scared what would happen if I talked to my parents about it, since my parents were racists and homophobes. So I never told them. They still don't know to this day. I got to the point where even my own voice disgusted me, so I never talked unless I absolutely had to. And in very little words as possible. I always kept my legs and chest shaved, even though it grew back really fast. Then my feelings and actions became more and more drastic, I even tried unsuccessfully to cut off my male genetalia. I then began to contemplate suicide, hoping that I would be reborn as a girl. Luckily I never acted on it. I often sat in my room and cried for hours, just wishing I could become who I wanted to be.
I eventually joined an online roleplay community to show off my writing and fanfiction skills. I made many friends, but I never revealed that I was biologically male. It felt like the only place I could be myself. It was an escape from the dreadful reality I lived in. My parents, especially my mom, were heavy partiers and drinkers. They often would come home at 2am drunk, beating, fighting, and yelling at each other. I felt my world was collapsing around me. The only escape was my online family. They helped me and comforted me, even though I still hid my secret from them.
To this day, very few people know my secret. I still dress up when I'm alone. I bought a locking trunk and then went to goodwill and bought various womens clothing, dresses, skirts, the like. I kept everything locked in this trunk and kept it in the back of my car. I exercise and eat healthy to try and maintain a feminine figure. One day, I want to become the girl I truly want to be.
