Quote from: KatelynBG on October 25, 2015, 10:10:33 AM
A lot of the anger seemed to disapate when I told my wife that my therapist had diagnosed me with gender dysphoria. She's still very uncomfortable about the gender topic but she doesn't unload on me anymore. Of course, it hasn't been brought up in months, so there's that.

Oh right, thought you still had to go there, sorry misread...
Yes I feel much of my pent up pain and anger has gone, and now since a very long time ago, I am feeling better about my world again.

Katy xxx

Quote from: Sheila Grace on October 25, 2015, 12:51:37 PM
Katy, thank you so very much for modelling what real courage looks like in a setting I struggle in as well. I stayed up a lot of last night going over the pain and turmoil that is coming like a tsunami for me and mine. I have gotten to a point later in life in which the pain of being my true self is less than the torture of living life as someone long gone. The sticking point: to fully press the issue with my wife of 34 years. It is just what you have faced so admirably. There seems to be no way around the devastation of true honesty. I do know this: I don't want to commit suicide; and, I want to be an advocate for courageous women like you who have faced up to the uncomfortable truths that define so many of us. So, it is precious stories like yours that give me strength and hope as I move into the crucible of the end of a marriage. Thank you again and many rich blessings, Sheila Grace

Hi Sheila
Thanks for responding and your wishes xx
It was very painful, my planned messaging and story just went to pot as I just let it all out... I had been close many times before especially in the last year or two, but I was fit to burst... I also felt that my wife was more than suspicious of my changes, many of which had been over many years, probably why she had not picked it.
I honestly thought it was all over before I opened up, and certainly with the pain I had caused, I even suggested that I would move out, then she responded with a no, its our home, which really took me back, she also said she cannot commit to how long she would feel like that and obviously does not want to see or meet Katrina... but she did also say that in time that may change. Currently we are in the eye of the T Hurricane... I hold no designs on how we will end, but either way I am prepared.. Its funny at the moment I get lots of tongue in cheek comments that we laugh about and then I use those times to talk a little more about where I have come from and where I will head... I can tell when enough is enough and say, another day.
I hope that I have helped, in my stumbling way, you and please if you need any support or help I am here, after a short break, to help you in any way I possibly can.

once again thanks of your kind words and sharing your next steps - hugs

Katy xxxx

Quote from: katrinaw on October 26, 2015, 05:42:36 AM
Oh right, thought you still had to go there, sorry misread...
Yes I feel much of my pent up pain and anger has gone, and now since a very long time ago, I am feeling better about my world again.

Katy xxx

Yes she knows of my diagnosis but not of my transition plans. The anger WI be back. Good luck stepping forward.

That is one of the hardest talks ever, Katy. The guilt, the trust questions, the no longer needing to hide......and the repercussions. Oh, the repercussions.

It's probably about 16 months since I actually announced my intention to transition, and no more um, er, maybe. We are still together but it's been pretty hard.

Your wife has said she can't stay once medication/HRT are in play; that is certainly not great, but it is clear.

The terrible thing is that that which finally frees us at the same time also makes our partners so desperately sad. It's impossible to square that particular issue, at least in my situation.

I hope that this next period goes as well as it can do for you, Katy.

Hugs xx

Certainly the lights are on, but yes it will be tough again, I figured after a few days that, and my wife sort of commented the same, apart from knowing things have not obviously changed, it could be sort of forgotten, but I do keep things at the front of mind because to go through this again would really kill me...

If there is anything I can help you with.. (I wrote a message to her in case I could not go through the discussion and left it on view) she never read it, but I still have it because its me on two side of paper.

Maybe you need to start bring up some points again, like "kind of feeling some of previous pain is returning" or maybe other subtle comments... funny tho I tried that approach but I still blind sided her, but could work well for you??? just a thought xx

Good luck and best wishes

L Katy xxx

Quote from: rosinstraya on October 26, 2015, 06:12:46 AM
That is one of the hardest talks ever, Katy. The guilt, the trust questions, the no longer needing to hide......and the repercussions. Oh, the repercussions.

It's probably about 16 months since I actually announced my intention to transition, and no more um, er, maybe. We are still together but it's been pretty hard.

Your wife has said she can't stay once medication/HRT are in play; that is certainly not great, but it is clear.

The terrible thing is that that which finally frees us at the same time also makes our partners so desperately sad. It's impossible to square that particular issue, at least in my situation.

I hope that this next period goes as well as it can do for you, Katy.

Hugs xx

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your wishes.

Yes that night I could have died a million times in the worst possible way.... but I was surprised in that she understood... the years on HRT told her that I would not stop and am committed, I did not share exact dates but she was interested in next dr. visits and how it all works, she did say that she may come around, but too early and feels anger that I did not share years ago before hitting HRT (I get that too, and actually agree with her views on that), but the end result we both agree would have been the same, and she gets I needed to see how things worked out!
I find it interesting that something on TV, or "said" triggers a bit of a laugh and rolling of eyes, and a bit more discussion... but my wife does know that at some point I will break again and cannot live any form of charade, she also knows that whilst I am in probation at work that there is a level of comfort for her to understand.
But I do believe, in the end, we will have to part, mainly because I can't go back, don't want to go back. I will not be able to take not stepping quickly through part time into full time. We have talked about electro, she was interested and said rather you than me when I told her how it all worked... so we have humour and communications.
I really want her to meet me, but it may be the final straw for her... we'll see.

I wish you well in progressing and hope that you can

once again thanks for your thoughts

L Katy xxx

Hey Katrina.  Hugs!  I only have a couple things to say, and I'm gonna try to keep it short, promise. 

First off, as much pain as this has caused, congratulations on owning up to everything to your wife.  She deserves to fully know the person she's living with and you deserve to have someone who fully knows you.

She needs someone to talk to, you've covered that already, but I just wanted to reiterate it.  After I told my wife, she nearly exploded with trying to keep it inside for like 2 weeks.  I gave her permission to tell two of her best friends, and it helped tremendously.

Also, keep in mind that you wife has been living with you through years of HRT already.  The majority of your changes should have already taken place.  Moving forward with transition at this point will only really be clothes and self-presentation, and things you can finally talk freely about with others.  Plus acceptance by others of course.  You are likely already the person you always will be moving forward, so your relationship at home shouldn't really change much, again except for clothing and topics of conversation.  The relationship dynamic will only change if you and her let it.  You are still the same person, she just has a different view of you right now.  Make sure and show her that you're still they you she's known and loved these past years.

I hope it all works out for you and your family.  I'm thankful that my wife has been able to come around and be supportive.  She doesn't get scared off by topics like SRS and post-op sex anymore (even if it means involving someone else now for penis, lol).  She's offered for me to look through her wardrobe to see if there are things I could use, etc...  It's quite amazing, and it can be for you too, I know it.  Best of luck!

Hi Kristina,

Thanks for the kind words and support.

Quote from: KristinaM on October 27, 2015, 09:26:14 AM
Hey Katrina.  Hugs!  I only have a couple things to say, and I'm gonna try to keep it short, promise. 

First off, as much pain as this has caused, congratulations on owning up to everything to your wife.  She deserves to fully know the person she's living with and you deserve to have someone who fully knows you.

Thanks certainly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, took me months (nearly a year, with mitigating circumstances)

QuoteShe needs someone to talk to, you've covered that already, but I just wanted to reiterate it.  After I told my wife, she nearly exploded with trying to keep it inside for like 2 weeks.  I gave her permission to tell two of her best friends, and it helped tremendously.

Well my daughters now know, she needed to confide and did with our daughters, I must say when I got home from work after she had shared with one of my daughters, I felt absolutely in horror of what I had done, I just collapsed into a balling wreck in my wife's lap (totally distraught), despite my daughter texting me earlier to say "I still love you, no matter what" or words to that effect anyway, I just responded to her "I love you all so much xxx" and she came back with "xxx"

QuoteAlso, keep in mind that you wife has been living with you through years of HRT already.  The majority of your changes should have already taken place.  Moving forward with transition at this point will only really be clothes and self-presentation, and things you can finally talk freely about with others.  Plus acceptance by others of course.  You are likely already the person you always will be moving forward, so your relationship at home shouldn't really change much, again except for clothing and topics of conversation.  The relationship dynamic will only change if you and her let it.  You are still the same person, she just has a different view of you right now.  Make sure and show her that you're still they you she's known and loved these past years.

Yes definitely, we talked about that again this morning, as the evening before we were talking about, well I was, about perhaps acquiring a small apartment so I can live there etc. In the morning she said she had not slept well as it was on her mind and said that now the girls know, she is in a much better place, and may have to meet Katy at some point.
All I can say is despite what I have done to her and my family, she is a rock, a superstar and I really do love and cherish her so much, but we both know that I will move ahead, and I said nothing would make me more complete in this world than to do that with her next to me.

QuoteI hope it all works out for you and your family.  I'm thankful that my wife has been able to come around and be supportive.  She doesn't get scared off by topics like SRS and post-op sex anymore (even if it means involving someone else now for penis, lol).  She's offered for me to look through her wardrobe to see if there are things I could use, etc...  It's quite amazing, and it can be for you too, I know it.  Best of luck!

She still has not wanted to look yet, but we are now 3 weeks in and I think she may well come round, but initially she said rather than throw stuff out maybe she should offer me things that was humerous. Also with Xmas coming up, my daughter said to my wife, well makes getting presents easier now, so much more choice (bless her, so love her/them).
I am happy that you are where, relationship wise, where I hope to be soon, certainly we have talked already about changes, she knows money will flit a bit and so it makes sense for me to stay at home with her, and also knows that I will need to move into PT proper real soon.

And thanks for your wishes

L Katy 

Best wishes to you Katy, you deserve happiness and i hope this strengthens the relationship in the end.
Safe journey
love linda

Hey Katy,

I am proud of you for doing what I could not.  My marriage fell apart with no more reason than I could not be open about who I have always been.  Reading your courage and honesty is a lesson I could have used 25 years ago!  LOL, nothing meant above I wish I had had the same courage as you are putting forth now.  Worse part is, when I did tell my wife (yep, never remarried or even thought that direction again) 6 months ago, she accepted me with no question at all...the irony...

Anyway, no matter what happens, your honesty will count for volumes in terms of character.  Attitudes temper over time once shock wears off.  Allow her time as we can only imagine what our family and friends think when we reveal our hidden world to them.  We have lived this for so long it is normal, even if we never outwardly state or show it.  For everyone else, it is something new and often frightening.  Your wife will come to her own understanding of who you are and your honesty will play a positive part in that, no matter which way the chips fall.

*hugz*, know you are not alone and you are loved no matter what and everything will come around in time.

Hi Katy,
So proud of you and how you are handling this. I am in the same place right now and it's very up and down, my wife is devastated by it all too and is going from denial to anger to reluctant resignation..... I am trying to support her as best I know how and hope to persuade her to attend therapy.
Stay strong xo
Dianne

I'm really proud of you!  My first mention to my ex-wife was a disaster that unraveled into a bigger one.  I wish the very best for you and your wife.
xx

Quote from: lindagrl on October 30, 2015, 06:38:25 AM
Best wishes to you Katy, you deserve happiness and i hope this strengthens the relationship in the end.
Safe journey
love linda

Hey Linda,

So lovely to hear from you, how are you?
Thanks for your kind words xx
As to how things will turn out, I will be happy I will get through this, it will be wonderful if I have company with the love of life as part of it.
I hope you are doing well...

L Katy xxx

Quote from: kaitylynn on October 30, 2015, 08:30:11 AM
Hey Katy,

I am proud of you for doing what I could not.  My marriage fell apart with no more reason than I could not be open about who I have always been.  Reading your courage and honesty is a lesson I could have used 25 years ago!  LOL, nothing meant above I wish I had had the same courage as you are putting forth now.  Worse part is, when I did tell my wife (yep, never remarried or even thought that direction again) 6 months ago, she accepted me with no question at all...the irony...

Anyway, no matter what happens, your honesty will count for volumes in terms of character.  Attitudes temper over time once shock wears off.  Allow her time as we can only imagine what our family and friends think when we reveal our hidden world to them.  We have lived this for so long it is normal, even if we never outwardly state or show it.  For everyone else, it is something new and often frightening.  Your wife will come to her own understanding of who you are and your honesty will play a positive part in that, no matter which way the chips fall.

*hugz*, know you are not alone and you are loved no matter what and everything will come around in time.

Hi Kaity, Its funny, I have also told others about how being honest and open is the best way, but for myself with over 40 years of happy marriage on the one side, but an increasing agony of knowing I was on my second bout of Dysphoria, I couldn't myself.
I hated what I was doing but could not come around to saying. Now that I had to and now I have questioned why did I not come out sooner?
The family cannot get past my starting of HRT all those years ago, but I did not want to break everyone up, then not move ahead because I could not hit a certain level of womanhood, selfish, probably! certainly been thrown at me too.

Now its a roller coaster of emotions, I will survive and move on, my wife knows that, I am not pressing her too much, but she knows I will be starting Electro as soon as I can get an appointment. As far as living as Katrina... she is digging in on that one, not surprisingly, but she may come around, certainly we are talking joking and she asks me about what I have etc... so very, very open now... talk about 360 spin around.

It was certainly the hardest thing, she need to tell the kids, they were happier it was she telling them than I. The grandkids are unaware and the rule is to keep it that way till we feel its right form my perspective and my daughters thoughts.

Thanks for your words and thoughts... I am ok, just feeling so sorry for all those hurt in this, but I despite the pain of paining others, I am still pretty resolute. Hope its a shared journey... but time!

L Katy xxxxx

Quote from: DianneM on October 30, 2015, 08:54:31 AM
Hi Katy,
So proud of you and how you are handling this. I am in the same place right now and it's very up and down, my wife is devastated by it all too and is going from denial to anger to reluctant resignation..... I am trying to support her as best I know how and hope to persuade her to attend therapy.
Stay strong xo
Dianne

Hugz Dianne

We should be crying on each others shoulders sniff, sniff...

Yes the same, coming up on 4 weeks now, my daughters and son now know, as my wife just had to share, they were happy from her rather than me.
I do keep suggesting counselling/Therapy for us as a partner pair, marriage is gone, all bar divorce etc... but because of our age and how we have been through 40 odd years of marriage we are trying to find a common ground, at least till I go Full Time.

It is so hard trying comfort and help, when we are the cause, but she does tell me it helps talking. We have a lifelong friend in the UK from our early life together, she so wants to cry on her shoulder, I suggest she should Skype her and do just that, but its not the same! She has hinted that she wishes we were closer, so maybe she may reach out to my wife?

She knows that I am on a path of no return now... I've just got to try and keep a common link open between us until we can't meet in the middle anymore, or maybe we can?

I do hope you can both find that common ground, no matter how much we know we can't help who or what we are, for those not afflicted its hard to understand.

Thanks and best wishes to you too... stay strong yourself xxx

Oh and welcome in case I missed welcoming you because of the last few weeks of turmoil 

Hugs Katy 

Quote from: kylie1 on October 31, 2015, 12:02:14 AM
I'm really proud of you!  My first mention to my ex-wife was a disaster that unraveled into a bigger one.  I wish the very best for you and your wife.
xx

Hugs and thanks Kylie xxx

I am not sure where this will end up, I have a strong notion, but you never know.. she knows I am now driven and past the point of no return, actually years past it!

Thanks and trust you are in a better shape now.

Oh... and welcome to Susan's too xxx

Hugs

Katy 

Big hugs kat. Id like to highlight what you said: 'i tried so hard to be a male role model'

Sounds close to home. I tried so hard only God knows how hard i tried. But it was in vain. The moment i put on a dress i knew that was me.

Sendig lots of prayers yor way hoping that you girls stay together xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: clarabrown on November 03, 2015, 11:43:28 AM
The moment i put on a dress i knew that was me.

Yes. This. OMG.

Hi Katy and everyone on this thread....
I need hugs and prayers and strength....as I've said in previous post I recently came out to my wife.....it didn't go well and is getting worse.....she's convinced I have a mental illness and I'm following a 'dark path'....she told me that I am 'threatening my existence'..... I'm worried sick...I have 12 year old son from a previous marriage and she's even threatening to have him sent back to his alcoholic mother.....

Quote from: clarabrown on November 03, 2015, 11:43:28 AM
Big hugs kat. Id like to highlight what you said: 'i tried so hard to be a male role model'

Sounds close to home. I tried so hard only God knows how hard i tried. But it was in vain. The moment i put on a dress i knew that was me.

Sendig lots of prayers yor way hoping that you girls stay together xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hey Clara, thanks for those really kind words... and as for trying hard, yes, I thought I sucked, but apparently I did not appear that way, but interestingly I was always getting caught in awkward situations, with groups and the like. Hmmm!

But as for the putting a dress on, yes I wear them so much better xxx

Thanks for your post too...

Luv Yaa...

Katy xxxx