i dont think we need to discuss 'luck' 'choice' or starting any more young vs older transition wars melissa...
R

Hi Teri hon, don't worry about the motel room just let us know where and when to pick you up. I really believe this could lead to a fun time, maybe talk about our favorite subject, the cosmos and the Universe. Hey we can always drive around town and see what stores we would like to check out.

Cindy 

I just turned 39 this past week.

My first "hard time" was 12 years ago -- the first time I seriously contemplated transition. However, I had a wife and children and also had spiritual issues over the entire thing that I was working through. My choice at that time was to work at staying where I was for my family and because I thought it was the right thing to do.

Over the years, I worked through all of my other emotional issues (social anxiety/depression)... and eventually the only issue I had not addressed and worked through was my gender dysphoria. My depression had also gradually been getting worse over time. I did not want to hurt my wife and children by transitioning, but I didn't know how much longer I could survive if I did not do something. I became suicidal and spent every night for months fighting off the urge to kill myself, life and work just became very hard, and I withdrew from everyone.

Finally my wife got a real understanding of how close I was to dying, and told me that she would support whatever I needed to do in order to resolve this. My spiritual beliefs had also shifted somewhat over the years, so I no longer felt that transition was "wrong." So this past May I started electro and seriously pursuing all of this (working on my voice, building a support network IRL, coming out online, etc.)

It's funny. From a practical standpoint, my goal is to transition. My actual goal is to do whatever I need to do in order to become a "real person." What I have noticed in the process of pursuing all of this is that I have had to work through a lot of my anxieties and learn to accept myself and even my body (because it's the only body I have, regardless of its gender). I have had to be brave. I have had to learn to trust people rather than assuming the worst. I have had to plan and organize and schedule and discipline myself (things I am bad at by nature). I have had to stop hiding myself, stop covering myself up in fear of rejection, and be willing to be "out there" and let people think what they want.

Remarkably, this had made me a MUCH happier person to be around. I know wherever I end up, I am going somewhere good and I'm going to finally be "me," at long last. It is not an easy road, and my family is my major concern -- I want my children to still feel loved and safe and cared for.

So I suppose I waited this long partly out of fear of rejection, and partly out of fear of hurting people I cared deeply about, and partly out of fear of making a mistake. It was a dreadful thing to do, but I'm not sure how I would have gotten to where I am now otherwise; you can't move forward until you're ready, and I guess I did need all this time to become ready.

~ Jennifer

Hi, Jennifer,
Sounds like you have worked very hard to find out who you are, or who it is that resides within. All the anxiety, fear, and other negative stuff is mostly all manifest and brought about by ones own self.

This negativity is necessary in order to get to the beginning of the journey to where you wanna be. Making amends for past wrongs is also part of of our growth. This journey can be as hard or as easy as it can be, depending on which you decide to follow.

Happy Birthday and welcome to your new life.

Cindy

Quote from: morticia on October 16, 2007, 12:50:20 PM

Quote from: maybe_amanda on October 16, 2007, 11:39:18 AM

It is sooooooo great to have everyone here with the same experiences and be able to work through what I've been feeling all these years. Thanks so much everyone, it's making me feel closer to taking the "maybe" off my name.

You see, there you have it.  The SUPPORT...  There was NO SUPPORT at all in my younger years.  No where at all I could turn to.  No one else I could speak with.  All my fears and tears had to stay bottled up.  And kept bottled up they fermented into acid and they began to eat me alive from the inside out.

Where I live, support did not exist at all.  To come out here was a certain death sentence.
The ignorant people in this area make no distinction between gay and TS.  It didn't matter, the traditional line of thought around here is "kill em all"..  When I was in school there were these three bullies that picked on me constantly.  They were always beating me up because they knew I was different.   Long story short, the littlest one of them picked on me one day in gym class and I almost beat him to death.  I was trying to kill him but the coach pulled me off him.  I had enough and I snapped.  Anyway, the three of them later that year went and killed a gay man in Port Acres, Texas (not far from here) that people called "Cool Joe".  They robbed him, shot him in the head, dumped his body in a ditch and drove around in his truck and went on a spending spree.  They were caught within 72 hours.  However, because they were under age that pretty much got them off.  But what really made it easy on them is that the jury didn't care because it was a gay man they murdered.  So they did some time in a youth facility and walked free when they turned 18. 
When they walked free they some how managed to find me and resumed beating me up.  I escaped by going to sea.
While I spent a few years at sea some good person took a shotgun and blew all three of them away when they attempted a home robbery.  They are dead now.  Good riddance.

That's how people are around here, and still are to this day.

When I made my first transition attempt I moved to Dallas about 500 miles away where I thought I could blend in a little better.  That did help.  Plus I was able to find a support group and made some real life friends who were a huge help.
Just being able to talk with someone that's either already been there, done that or is on the same path is a huge, huge help.  I couldn't have done it otherwise.  And still, that was pre-internet days.

I wish I would have had the internet when I was a teen..    Oh well...

The word justice generally disgusts me cause of stories like this. I'm sorry to hear of that. I got bullied in Private School in 6th and 7th grade. I was cocky, so I started some of it, but nothing was done about it, so I basically got the crap beaten out of me a lot for 2 years. It made me who I am though, and I could never go back to naive happy boy again. It wouldn't be right. Amnesia wouldn't be good either. As for late transition ideas (cause I haven't really jumped on the "coaster" yet.) I got them after alot of thinking about my sexuality and gender and which thing I identified with the most. I didn't feel obliged to conform to which body I was given, or which overpowered sex drive I was given. This, of course, wasn't all of it. I had a couple of relationships which greatly altered my view on things. I had crossdressed many times, even by then, and I had pondered if I were gay before I knew what the real deal was. I loved one of the girls...Painfully I might add. She...Was very messed up though and accused me of horrible things I would never intend in my wildest dreams. I still knew I had problems then, but I loved her so much I didn't care. I had so much going on I wasn't even close to assessing my problems. I always had this fantasy of getting a new body, and it being female. I thought of the conventional approaches, but I thought..."Na...The technology sucks. They'd botch you." (But that had nothing to do with what gender I truly associated with, it only had to do with my inner sense of preservation. The voice which tells you when things can very likely harm you. That voice has begun saying, "Yeah Whatever" lately cause I'm so tired of this.)
After that I pondered deeply. The internet maybe brought on a little of it. I then lost my virginity, and realized how little I enjoyed having a male role. All ties to my maleness, except being a chill friend who liked video games and dumb stuff, were gone... So I guess it was introspective thought, common-sense, and access to other people with relating stories that triggered my want to start transition.
I stumbled across this site when I thought (in my dumb head) that it was still just a "Fetish" even when I crossdressed years before. I started realizing some very heavy things.

Well I would like to embrace and hug all of the young uns here. You are all an awesome bunch of kids. It is so wonderful to see you all doing something about GID at an early age. I pray that you will be able to live a more full and happy life as who you present as

Cindy

Quote from: cindybc on December 02, 2007, 12:35:21 AMSounds like you have worked very hard to find out who you are, or who it is that resides within. All the anxiety, fear, and other negative stuff is mostly all manifest and brought about by ones own self.

Hi Cindy, thank you so much for your post.

Yes, it's funny how that works, isn't it? I create much of the negativity in my own head. Not that everyone will be positive, but to an extent I create the environment around me and the attitude with which I face life.

QuoteThis negativity is necessary in order to get to the beginning of the journey to where you wanna be. Making amends for past wrongs is also part of of our growth. This journey can be as hard or as easy as it can be, depending on which you decide to follow.

I can honestly say, that wherever this ends up, I feel I am finally taking responsibility for my life and "growing up" by making choices and then accepting the ramifications of them. I'm genuinely excited to think of where this could go, even though I am sad by some of the changes [in relationships] that have to be worked through.

Hugs,
Jennifer

Jennifer,

I know how you feel, I am 43 about to turn 44 and I waited this long mostly due to the fact that I was married and had a son. I was not able to even think about or deal with the thoughts that I have had all my life of being born the wrong sex, until I was divorced and living on my own. I am Bi-polar, a recovering alcoholic for the last 18yrs, but I have tried to avoid the thoughts and feelings of being born the wrong sex anyway I could, in fact it wasn't until I disclosed this fact to A.A. sponsor that the door to being who I truly am was even cracked open a litle bit. It seems that once I disclosed being possible TS the thoughts feelings were stronger then ever. I finally had to do something about this or I was going to go insane, so I started seeing a therapist, joined this site, and started talking to people here. I have suffered from great bouts of depression because of denying who I truly am, have attempted suicide three times, but ever since I have accepted that I am truly a female and started working on transitioning, I have been somewhat happy.

I still worry about how my 14yr old son will react to all of this, and when and at what age to tell him. The last thing I ever want to do is lose him, he is my life. I also know that I have to continue being true tomyself If I want any chance at all of at least having some peace in my life, so I struggle with how and when I am going to tell him. I have been on hormones just over a month now and I like the way they make me feel.

I have talked to my therapist about why I couldn't have transitioned earlier in life and she made a very valid point which was that I was not ready until now and I totally believe that to be true. I tried anything to avoid looking at the possiblity of being born the wrong sex and I now believe that we transition when we are ready, can accept our true selves, and can deal with all that comes with transitioning.

This is why I waited until late to transition.

Hugz,
Ariana

I wish I had trans'd earlier in life but I didn't because of life, family, marriage, 2 sons and on and on.And I don't know if I ever will fully trans. I sort of slopped together a life that works ok for me for now. I tried for a long time to put a name on it, TV TS CD but never seemed to meet the criteria.So I exist in my confused state,taking HRT(with a Doctor's supervision), I dress both in men's and women's clothes, I wear only F underwear, my ears, nipples and belly button are pierced, I wear womens swimsuits to the beach. I have pretty much a lesbien sexual relationship with my wife. We color our hair together and give each other mani and pedicures.
  Jill, my wife has become much more supportive in the last 5 or so years. We did a little counseling and that helped. It just so nice to be able to be how you see yourself and not keep a huge secret and have all the guilt that goes along with it.

Hi, Ariana,

I believe that the younger the child is told, the better, or at least old enough where they have a grasp on the opposite sex from theirs. I believe they are more accepting at a younger age. 14 is not a bad age.

For me my two daughters were in their early twenties when I told them. They didn't reject me but I could tell that they were not completely for it either. My oldest daughter told me once to more or like follow my heart.

My son was living with me for a couple years and he knew about me and one day I found  him in the depths of depression. I talked away the entire afternoon with him, and when I left he appeared to be feeling better. He went out that evening and I never saw him alive again. About thirty some miles out of town he had been hit by a truck on the highway.

I felt so guilty for a a lot of years after that to the point I stopped eating and was anorexic for a few years until Tracy, a friend of mine called, and asked me if I would care for her children because she had to go away for a while. She knew about my transsexuality and I had already started going full time by this time.

My time with these children, two years, was the best thing that could have happened to me. I began eating and again as I found myself with three children in my care. Those were the two most wonderful years I had experienced in a long time.

I guess the lesson of this whole story is to be truthful to your son because you never know what tomorrow could bring.

Cindy

Cindy,
Thanks so much for sharing your personal story with me about your son and duaghters. I can't imagine what I would do if i lost my son. I know that I have to tell him, but I don't want to upset his life either, he is doing so well in school and all. I just don't know if I have the right to upset his life or not, it seems pretty selfish on my part. I believe that as parents we have to sacrifice for our children, not them sacrifice for us. I also know for me to happy or some have peace in my life, so there is my dilemma. I appreciate your advice, and I thank you so much.

Hugz,
Ariana

Hi Ariana. That's OK, take your time and when you feel it's time to tell him then do so. You will know when it's time. One thing about your own child you can feel what's there in his heart, just as he does. You will know when the time comes to explain about the gender dysphoria disorder. It is a shame that some people out there think of it as being some type of mentally disorder or something. I think there isn't anything more wonderful then coming to the discovery of whom we are, who the inner child that resides within is, You and the inner child will grow together and be her. Once you are able to drop all of the fears, it is no longer a fear It will be like a rebirth to be the real you.

Even if you in the mean time start the therapy it's ok it will take at least 6+ months before any change begins to show.

Cindy 

Cindy,

Thank you so much once again. I really appreciate the support and love. I know that you are right, that I will know when its time to tell him. It is awesome finding the true me and matching with my inner child. I have begun hormones already and have been on them for about 1 1/2 months. Thank you once again.

Hugz,
Ariana

Hi Ariana, you are quite welcome. If you wish to chat again I'll be somewhere in this croup or you can contact me by PM.



Cindy

Cindy,
I was so touched to hear about your kids. Your son's passing must have torn you up. I have really been lucky. I have two wonderful daughters. After I told them about myself, the youngest one never missed a beat. She was almost nine. She thought it was just as cool as if I had bought another Harley Davidson for us to ride. She is going to be 15 in about a week. My oldest daughter seemed to take it in stride, but later stopped talking to me (she lived out of town with her Mother) Later, she called me back and apologized for "wasting a year of our lives" and took me back. Then she moved to NYC and started college. She told her Mom to tell me to stop calling and mailing her, out of the blue. That was over 2 years ago, and so far, nothing. But the 2 of them are in touch ocassionaly (they are half sisters). So I know she is okay, and that is enough, for now. The "little one" is always on the honor roll, has lots of friends, but the oldest one hated school, dropped out, had no friends, and later got her GED. Neither of them seem to have GID, thank Goddess!

Hi Nickie, thank you
Well I do pray that everything will turn for the better from your eldest. I haven't heard from my daughters for about thee years now but I know they were ok with me and they both doing well as far as careers. Thy never really had a mommy and she got taken away from me and I never saw them again for ten years when they sere ready go get on the bus to go to college. But they are fine and I thank Great Spirit for that.

As for the rest of my family sister an my nieces have pretty well disowned me. I get mail from them around the Christmas season addressed in my old name, well "que sera, sera."

Have a wonderful day. 

Cindy  

Wow I just logged in and read this last page. 

My heart goes out to all of you, Ariana, Nickie, Cindy, and others who I haven't the time to read about. 

I have told my wife about my need to transition, but my 28 year old (soon to be married) daughter, 25 year old son, my mother, brother, numerous friends, are still in the dark.  I don't want to lose any of them, and your stories make me feel so sad.   

I know that I have to do what I want, at long last, even if it means losing them all, but still it hurts me to the core to realise that your experiences may be indicators of my future.

I intend to tell everybody about my transition plans after my daughters wedding in Feb 2008.  I can't say anything before as it is unfair to her.   

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

God bless you all.

Hugs

Jenny

Hi Amanda.

I'm still on the first page of this thread, but just had a comment.

I think most later transitioners transitioned late for one reason - the knowledge and options weren't there.
Maybe others chose to wait for whatever reason.
If I had known it was possible to change my body to match my mind, I'dve done it years ago while I still had my health.

Quote from: Nero on December 17, 2007, 10:38:29 AM
I think most later transitioners transitioned late for one reason - the knowledge and options weren't there.
Maybe others chose to wait for whatever reason.

I actually went in denial because of the ignorance out there.  When I was 13 I *knew* that I wanted to transition.  I would talk to my best friend about it and I even started planning what I would have to do.  Then I saw something ridiculing MtFs and my brain said "Nope, not going to be like that."  Then 24 years later my bisexual wife came out of her denial and declared herself a lesbian.  Realizing that I had caused a lot of problems because of my denial and the fact that I had probably lost her when I wanted to be the woman for her, I cracked.  Spilled everything.  Now she's as supportive as she can be and I'm the messed up, whiny one.

Val

Quote from: DeValInDisguise on December 17, 2007, 12:20:21 PM

Quote from: Nero on December 17, 2007, 10:38:29 AM
I think most later transitioners transitioned late for one reason - the knowledge and options weren't there.
Maybe others chose to wait for whatever reason.

I actually went in denial because of the ignorance out there.  When I was 13 I *knew* that I wanted to transition.  I would talk to my best friend about it and I even started planning what I would have to do.  Then I saw something ridiculing MtFs and my brain said "Nope, not going to be like that."  Then 24 years later my bisexual wife came out of her denial and declared herself a lesbian.  Realizing that I had caused a lot of problems because of my denial and the fact that I had probably lost her when I wanted to be the woman for her, I cracked.  Spilled everything.  Now she's as supportive as she can be and I'm the messed up, whiny one.

Val

That interesting. I wonder if she fell for you because she felt your female energy or something.